Ex partners new partner calling my son "mum"

[Mummaonherown]

My ex has a new GF, they met end of October and things have moved quickly, they are "in love" however when he sees me, he always "tries it on" with me and has stated he doesn't think his feelings for me will ever fade.

Anyway, we had an agreement that new partners would not be introduced until 6 month mark, my son is on the ADHD waiting list and still wants "mummy and daddy" to have days out with him.
My ex collected our son on Saturday and took him swimming, when he came back I asked if he had a good time and he said "yes I went swimming with daddy and mum"
I asked my ex if she was there, he said no however my son has stated on 3 separate occasions with my family members and my friend and her mother that "mum" was there and this morning my son has said he wants to go swimming with mum and daddy again.

I have corrected my son, and told her what her name was, but yet he keeps saying "no it's mum"
AIBU for not thinking this is right?
My ex will deny she was there

I can understand why it bothers you but I don’t think there’s anything you can do about this really. Assuming he is young he is going to decide what to call her, and correcting him isn’t going to change things.

Actually if this went to court for things like CAO etc, and this was brought up, it would be made very clear that there is only one ‘mum’ and this should be discouraged. Rightly so. I doubt very much that’s what the child has decided to call someone he barely sees. This is driven by ex.

Can it be a misunderstanding? Like her name is Monique and she says you can call me "Mon"?

@Mrsttcno1 thank you
My son has speech delay (around a year) there is no way he would have called a strange woman mum without someone saying something.
He's around babysitters, my friends, my friends mother and never has he called them mum.
I can understand if this was a 4 year relationship but this isn't going to last, he has already admitted he would get back with me several times.

I've got a call with mediation this afternoon, my first session so I will bring it up with them.

@arcticpandas nope her name is Rachel. Even when I said her name, he said no her name is mum

How old is your son ?
My son went through a phase of calling his nursery school teacher mummy last name he's 18 now and doesn't remember this all you can do is keep saying no I'm mummy Daddy is Daddy and Daddys friend is "Julie ".

I agree. What is her actual name? If he has speech delays her perhaps mispronouncing her actual name if he is so adamant?

Cross posted with my last post.

Does Rachel have kids and did they go swimming too? Were they calling her mum?

If he calls you mummy he may really think her name is Mum if her kids were calling her that.

This just isn’t true, no court dictates what a child is allowed to call their step-parent/parent’s partner. It’s fair to assume a few things:

1. This is unlikely to be the first time they’ve met
2. Dad has probably introduced her as “mum”

OP can absolutely have a chat with dad about this and express a preference but ultimately this isn’t something that can be completely controlled.

@Spirallingdownwards no she doesn’t have any children, from what my ex has said I don’t think she can have them.

I don't see why you're bringing up that your ex would still have sex with you if he could. That's immaterial. You have no say on who he introduces to your ds in his time or what he calls them. I agree that getting him to call her mum isn't doing anyone any favours though, so if I were you I'd just call her rachel.

@Mrsttcno1 thats what I think. He had another girlfriend that lasted 4 months and he introduced her to our son as well but he never said the word mum.
Someone has definitely said something, maybe he’s really serious about this person however to do introduce someone as “mum” isn’t right I know what his response would be if I introduced my new partner (I’ve been seeing someone since start of January) as “dad”
It just doesn’t sit right with me, this is the 2nd woman in less than a year.
I will speak with him, but like I said he will just deny deny deny

@RedHelenB I’m bringing it up as it is relevant, he more than likely will finish with his girl at some point or cheat like he did to the last 4 month relationship and hin introducing women to our son because he struggles to have him on his own isn’t right.
I have no problem with him introducing a new partner but it should be done the way we agreed to and the name should be her legal name, not mum.
I call her Rachel but he is still insisting that she’s “his mum” actually said “my mum”

I have been in the courtroom when this happened. Judge was very clear. It was also in the court order.

Directing your child to call another person ‘mum’ is a sign of being unable to promote positive relationships with the child’s actual mum. It’s definitely frowned upon and the court will make directives like this if they see it as necessary.

It would piss me off, massively. I would also assume given everything else you have said about your DS being involved with previous girlfriends and all the other women in your son’s life, it’s unlikely he has just come up with this randomly by himself.

Unfortunately I get the impression that if he won’t even admit his girlfriend was there on the day and met your son, he certainly isn’t going to tell you whether one of them encouraged him to call her that. Don’t think this is something ex is going to be bothered about or take seriously until it happens to him (DS calling another man dad) then I’m sure he’d be very unhappy.

Can’t give you any advice other than please never, ever get back with this man no matter how many times he tries!

Actually CAFCASS heavily discouraged it with my ex during our court proceedings. It was deemed alienating actions and the judge ripped him a new one. It’s in our CAO as an undertaking that neither parent is to encourage to use of mum/dad to our children regarding new partners.

A bit off the topic of thread, but I am interested in this- what if it’s not directed by the parent but is entirely child led?

I would call that emotionally abusing your child by telling him his girlfriends are to be called mum.

Talk to your GP/ health visitors etc., and create a paper trail.
He is causing confusion in a young child.

What a nasty twat.

Can you record these conversations with your child.
Obviously with non leading questions.
I would want to have proof of this.

@MissUltraViolet nope, he won’t admit it at all, I asked him last night (again) if she was there and he’s calling her mum, he said no, he denies everything denied he cheated until I caught him in the act.
He sees our son 2 Saturdays a month, sometimes he stays over sometimes he doesn’t all depends on whether ex has nothing else on (this is why we are doing mediation) and our son is very energetic can get very overexcited - so 2 people are better than 1 at times so I have no doubt he would have brought her along to help him.

Agreed, I’m sure if I’m still with my partner past June and ready to introduce him, if I say the word “dad” he will go apeshit.
My son doesn’t even know I go out with another man, he’s far too young to understand nor does he need to understand when I introduce it will be mummy’s friend Dean.

I have no intention of doing so, I know he will cheat on her, he’s a serial cheater he thinks with his Willy

Awww, bless you

I assume it is the same - that it is not to be encouraged. Small children are easily influenced, if there are step siblings etc who call the step parent mummy/mummy. They are easily directed to use another name. There’s no reason to encourage it. Child already has a mum/dad. As PP said it’s a form of parental alienation.

@Creameded my son was at my parents last night while I was doing my usual Sunday night housework - my sister was also over visiting and she just said to him what did you do today/yesterday and he just came out with it “I went swimming with daddy and mum”
Hes also asked to go swimming again with daddy and mum today, I’ve said her name several times and he’s looked me at like “no her names mum” my son only calls me mummy, never said the word mum to me.
I’ve actually got a meeting with the SEN lead at nursery on Friday, my son has had some issues over the past 3 months, surprisingly around the same time dad has disappeared - I’ll let them know.
thank you

@GlennCloseButNoCigar this is useful I’ll speak with my mediator today

‘Ripped him a new one’ exactly how I would describe how the judge gave this direction to the father in the case I was involved in. Glad to see they are consistent.

I would ask your sister to give you a voice note of exactly what happened as you were not there.
Make it clear that you have other witnesses to this.
Best of luck.