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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex partners new partner calling my son "mum"

119 replies

Mummaonherown · 10/02/2025 11:26

My ex has a new GF, they met end of October and things have moved quickly, they are "in love" however when he sees me, he always "tries it on" with me and has stated he doesn't think his feelings for me will ever fade.

Anyway, we had an agreement that new partners would not be introduced until 6 month mark, my son is on the ADHD waiting list and still wants "mummy and daddy" to have days out with him.
My ex collected our son on Saturday and took him swimming, when he came back I asked if he had a good time and he said "yes I went swimming with daddy and mum"
I asked my ex if she was there, he said no however my son has stated on 3 separate occasions with my family members and my friend and her mother that "mum" was there and this morning my son has said he wants to go swimming with mum and daddy again.

I have corrected my son, and told her what her name was, but yet he keeps saying "no it's mum"
AIBU for not thinking this is right?
My ex will deny she was there

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummaonherown · 11/02/2025 08:29

@Oodlesandoodlesofnoodles yes and I think he’s using that to his advantage.

OP posts:
ClaredeBear · 11/02/2025 08:37

There's not much you can do here because sadly the one suffering is your son, who is essentially being called a liar. You know very well your ex is liar and has no regard for women so you're just going to have to go with it and try to make sure your son is protected and has a decent male role model in his life, like a grandparent or uncle. There is no reasoning with a pathological liar, as you have found out. Best to opt out of the drama now.

CorrodedCoffin · 11/02/2025 08:39

Mummaonherown · 10/02/2025 11:26

My ex has a new GF, they met end of October and things have moved quickly, they are "in love" however when he sees me, he always "tries it on" with me and has stated he doesn't think his feelings for me will ever fade.

Anyway, we had an agreement that new partners would not be introduced until 6 month mark, my son is on the ADHD waiting list and still wants "mummy and daddy" to have days out with him.
My ex collected our son on Saturday and took him swimming, when he came back I asked if he had a good time and he said "yes I went swimming with daddy and mum"
I asked my ex if she was there, he said no however my son has stated on 3 separate occasions with my family members and my friend and her mother that "mum" was there and this morning my son has said he wants to go swimming with mum and daddy again.

I have corrected my son, and told her what her name was, but yet he keeps saying "no it's mum"
AIBU for not thinking this is right?
My ex will deny she was there

This might be a really stupid thing to ask, but is there any chance your ex’s mum went swimming with them? Assuming she is still alive/part of your exes life/your son doesn’t know her as “grandma”. I appreciate that your ex has been denying his new girlfriend was there when you have asked, but have you specifically mentioned that your son keeps referring to this other “mum” and asked whether he has heard your son referring to anyone else as “mum”?

mum11970 · 11/02/2025 08:45

Ask your ds what mum looks like. From his description you may be able to tell whether it’s you ex’s girlfriend or not.

Original poster
Mummaonherown · 11/02/2025 08:47

@ClaredeBear your right! When he was cheating, and I caught him in the act he swore on his son's life (in front of the other girl) that we weren't together and he wasn't with me 2 days before, so I know he will lie to protect himself.
He doesn't see him that often, and I'm planning on moving shortly, so I reckon once this happens and she falls pregnant my son will no longer see him.
I have a really good male friend who I've known since I was a teenager, his family are like mine in really close to his mum and sisters, my son spends alot of time there and he's an amazing role model, plus my older brother who is also a father, is amazing with him so I know he'll be ok.
Thank you

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Original poster
Mummaonherown · 11/02/2025 08:50

@CorrodedCoffin not stupid at all. He calls PGM "nanny" and nanny has a chest infection, that's why he wasn't able to stay over on Saturday night with dad at PGM, dad said she was putting on her "dying act"
She's been sick for around a month now, my son stayed once in January (which was her birthday weekend) but he hasn't had an overnight stay since then. She might be sick, or it just might be a ploy so my ex gets the night with his new GF

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Original poster
Mummaonherown · 11/02/2025 08:51

@mum11970 I did, and he said she looks like mummy with two buns on her head (assuming hair was tied up) I'm mixed race, my ex is white I think my ex said she was Jamaican.

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Lostcat · 11/02/2025 09:07

@Mummaonherown it all sounds very odd. How old is your child? Does he not know what ‘mum’ means? I’m struggle to imagine my little ones being comfortable calling a virtual stranger ‘mum’… are you very sure you haven’t misunderstood/ misheard what he is saying? Can you explain to him that he only has one mum, like he only has one dad, and that’s you?

GoldMoon · 11/02/2025 09:21

My dh has children from a past relationship , we have been together now many years . His children have gone from age 10/12 to adulthood.
I've never been called Mum by them , they have a mother.
I have a good relationship with them and they call me by my name.
I know your son is very young but I'm sure if he came say mummy , daddy , nan etc , he can learn her name .
I'd be telling your ex he has no option to allow his partner to be called mum.
As a suggestion , in the Jamaica culture friends of parents and other close females in children's lives are known as Auntie , could he call her that ?

Original poster
Mummaonherown · 11/02/2025 09:45

@Lostcat he's 4 yes I've told him I'm his mum, maybe because he only calls me mummy "mum" is a name he doesn't associate me with, I'm "mummy" if that makes sense. I'm sure if he/she said I'm "mummy" he would have said no.
He's said it on 3 separate occasions, to me on Saturday when he came home, we went to my friends/her mother's house, I left him there for a playdate with my friends children on Sunday morning, he said the same to them and again on Sunday evening at my parents house as clear as day in front of my sister.
Yesterday morning he repeated twice "I want to go swimming with daddy and mum"
He's now saying her name, he hasn't mentioned her today and if he does it's "Rachel"

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummaonherown · 11/02/2025 09:48

@GoldMoon well he's denying she was there, so the conversation will be pointless but I know he's lying. I had my MIAM yesterday and they said they will bring this up in our session (if he engages of course)
Yes, my dad's side of the family are from st Lucia, most African/Carribbean call family members and long time friends "auntie" this for me will still be not acceptable, it's a form of respect - for now I will suggest he calls her Rachel, which is her name she's virtually a stranger.

OP posts:
Lostcat · 11/02/2025 10:45

Mummaonherown · 11/02/2025 09:45

@Lostcat he's 4 yes I've told him I'm his mum, maybe because he only calls me mummy "mum" is a name he doesn't associate me with, I'm "mummy" if that makes sense. I'm sure if he/she said I'm "mummy" he would have said no.
He's said it on 3 separate occasions, to me on Saturday when he came home, we went to my friends/her mother's house, I left him there for a playdate with my friends children on Sunday morning, he said the same to them and again on Sunday evening at my parents house as clear as day in front of my sister.
Yesterday morning he repeated twice "I want to go swimming with daddy and mum"
He's now saying her name, he hasn't mentioned her today and if he does it's "Rachel"

He's now saying her name, he hasn't mentioned her today and if he does it's "Rachel"

Oh that’s good. I think just reinforce to him that “mum” means the same as mummy and it’s weird for him to call this woman mum because she’s not his mum. At four I think he can understand. Sorry your ex is such a weirdo; his partner also sounds very odd. I can’t imagine for a minute why they think this is appropriate.

Vynalbob · 11/02/2025 18:57

Being devils advocate
If he went swimming with Dad + GF pretty much any member of staff or public might have referred to her as mum. I'd find it a much more likely scenario than being encouraged after such a short time.

Peachperfect · 11/02/2025 19:53

Defo not right. I would be going absolutely bonkers if this was my child. From everything I have read from you, it sounds like he is very manipulative, maybe even told your child to call his new gf mum to get a reaction from you? Sounds a bit like he realises he has been a tw@t to u in the past and he now realises what he could've had (sounds like u have ur head screwed on and would avoid!) I personally would be very upset, if he keeps overstepping the boundaries then maybe suggest an outing together. It's also not fair on his gf if she can't have children so as he is likely to cheat on her too

ThistleTits · 11/02/2025 20:46

@Mummaonherown does she have children that could have been swimming too? If they were calling her mum, he may be copying them. My daughter's friend's son called me granny because my grandchildren did. He genuinely thinks it's my name.

admirible · 11/02/2025 20:52

When he says it just say you mean Rachel, her names Rachel and keep reinforcing it,

Blades2 · 11/02/2025 23:30

You’re sharing an awful awful lot of private info about this lady, please think before outing everyone x

Teenagehorrorbag · 12/02/2025 00:05

Are you Mum or Mummy (or something else)? If you are both Mum then that is out of order.

I agree it's upsetting but if he has been told to call her that it is a discussion you need to have with your ex, not your DS. Can she be Mama or something? As long as it isn't what he calls you then you may have to accept it.

Pherian · 12/02/2025 00:24

I think you’re off the mark with trying to control what happens outside of your home.

I am a step mother and while I’ve never asked the children to call me mum - they did. They are at an age now they are calling me by my name as they understand the dynamics of their life. Am I bothered - no. Whatever they are comfortable with I’m fine with.

Children don’t have adult understanding of the world or situations around them. They rationalise things based on their experience.

Be grateful that she’s a woman who will be good to your child and wants to do activities which benefit him.

Your next move is going to determine how much. My step childrens mum could call me right now and I’d answer my phone and help out anyway she asked me too.

I doubt you’ll enjoy a similar relationship with her and that’s your loss.

Original poster
Mummaonherown · 12/02/2025 08:18

@Vynalbob I wish and hope that's true, but my son said last night when he was playing swimming in the bath "daddy said mum is going to take me to the park" I said Rachel will take you to the park and he replied no, daddy said her name is mum.
My X is a bastard, if you read my last post it shows the lengths he will go to for himself.
Thank you though

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Original poster
Mummaonherown · 12/02/2025 08:22

@Pherian I don't think I'm off the mark at all, my son is under SEN at nursery, he's been showing signs of stress and anxiety since dad disappeared again in October/November - now he's being asked (see above) to call a random woman "mum" my x has known her for 4 months, not 4 years. He will cheat and leave before the end of the year, if not before, what happens with the next woman, is she to be called mum as well.
I think your situation is very different from mine, you maybe married and secure, they are neither my ex constantly tries it with me and if I wanted to he would.

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Original poster
Mummaonherown · 12/02/2025 08:24

@Teenagehorrorbag I'm mummy, like I said this isn't a 4 year relationship it's 4 months I'm pretty sure if I introduced someone 4 months in to a relationship and my son started saying "daddy" he would not like it at all, and rightly so.
Her name is Rachel and that's what I will refer her to.
Thank you

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Original poster
Mummaonherown · 12/02/2025 08:25

@ThistleTits no children, although I'm starting to think she's pregnant.

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Vynalbob · 12/02/2025 10:38

Mummaonherown · 12/02/2025 08:18

@Vynalbob I wish and hope that's true, but my son said last night when he was playing swimming in the bath "daddy said mum is going to take me to the park" I said Rachel will take you to the park and he replied no, daddy said her name is mum.
My X is a bastard, if you read my last post it shows the lengths he will go to for himself.
Thank you though

Ah, seems like winding you up maybe his purpose and/or manipulation of new gf. As it's clearly come from him I can't think of any other or positive possibilities. I can't think of any possible decent response that wouldn't play into his narrative he's probably built around you.... other than to try to ignore it.

Original poster
Mummaonherown · 12/02/2025 11:50

@Vynalbob Everything he does is to suit his narrative, I don't have a relationship with his mother, he threw me under the bus many times with her.
I'll try to ignore it, I ain't going to bite back anymore hopefully when he engages with the mediator he will see what he is doing

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