Ex partners new partner calling my son "mum"

[Mummaonherown]

My ex has a new GF, they met end of October and things have moved quickly, they are "in love" however when he sees me, he always "tries it on" with me and has stated he doesn't think his feelings for me will ever fade.

Anyway, we had an agreement that new partners would not be introduced until 6 month mark, my son is on the ADHD waiting list and still wants "mummy and daddy" to have days out with him.
My ex collected our son on Saturday and took him swimming, when he came back I asked if he had a good time and he said "yes I went swimming with daddy and mum"
I asked my ex if she was there, he said no however my son has stated on 3 separate occasions with my family members and my friend and her mother that "mum" was there and this morning my son has said he wants to go swimming with mum and daddy again.

I have corrected my son, and told her what her name was, but yet he keeps saying "no it's mum"
AIBU for not thinking this is right?
My ex will deny she was there

Did you not say 'I'm your mum, you only have one mum or mummy and that's me' ?

Ok but what about situations where it may feel normal/ comfortable/ authentic for a child to call a step parent that? Isn’t it just a bit hurtful to constantly correct the child? I just think it’s another example of the parent- centred court system, which is all about centring parents feelings of jealousy/ sense of entitlement over children .

Can you make a people in my life chart
Get a photo of the lady in question and writer mae underneath
Also try to get photos of class staff
make sure photos of class Staff stuck on Velcro and that it is stuck on with glue.
After a week of reinforcing names, make a point of removing the photo and replacing it on the same place a couple of times a day. Explain you are only there with Velcro because they can change. Because they are always there.

Ah that is more worrying then. I woukd perhaps have a word with both ex and Rachel at the same time (trying to keep calm) and even if you think it's to early for her to be on the scene don't say that. Just say DS says he is to call you Rachel mum which I don't feel is appropriate.

@PullTheBricksDown I did yes, so did my sister when she heard it and that’s when I’ve been saying her name more.

Don’t try to correct as this may meet resistance. Use her name when he uses Mum. Ensure Everyone else in the family reinforces her name. When he says Mum did such and such you reply - Did x do such and such what else did x do today?
sorry you are having to do this, they both sound totally inappropriate.

Hello! This is disrespectful to you and I assume your ex has introduced her as ‘mum’. I’m a stepmum and my stepchildren call me by my first name because I’m not their mum and it would feel weird for them to call me stepmum or mum 2 or whatever, even though I’m married to their dad. When we’re out sometimes people refer to me as mum to them and I even step on and say ‘oh I’m their stepmum’ or similar. I feel this is respectful to their mum and helps the children to not feel confused or like I’m trying to replace their mum. Anyway, you’ll have to talk to ex about this. It could become confusing for your child.

Of my initial post, should say family are stuck down with glue because they are always there, throughout your life

In your DS's mind any woman with his dad may be mum. Explain that he only has one mum/mummy and that's you, any other women has a different name. If you are mummy he may also think mum is a different thing/person.

in reality you can agree terms for introducing new partners, but you can't force him. The same with the mum stuff, if he will just "deny deny deny" what can you actually do?

just remind your son that you are mum. when he talks about her say "oh, daddy's friend Rachel" and keep going with the conversation

your ex is clearly fickle and a liar so you have to accept that he will probably be introducing your son to partners and definitely in less than 6 months.

@Spirallingdownwards Ill ask him again but he will just deny it.
He’ll never let us meet, he’ll be too frightened that I will show her the messages he’s been sending to me and tell her he tries it on every time.

This is the same in my Court order,it wasn't asked for but the judge did ask if either was in a new relationship & as my ex is the judge put it in, that no partner (on both sides) are to go by any parental name such as mom/dad etc,& they have no parental rights over our children

I can imagine years ago there might have been a stigma and it was better in public if the child called the new partner 'mum' but it's really no big deal (sadly) nowadays for children to have step parents or be with the girlfriend or boyfriend of their parent and be called by their first name.

This isn’t one of those situations though. I also don’t agree that it’s hurtful to correct the child. It’s not in their best interest to encourage them to call a person other than their mum, ‘mum’.

I say this having also been in the position of the child. I think I maybe asked once if I should call my grandparents mum and dad instead, they said I shouldn’t because I had a mum and dad, and they were Grandma and Grandad. And I thought no more of it. It would have been wrong of them to encourage it. Unless the mum is an absolute horror and contact has been banned because she’s a danger etc, I can’t see how it could ever be in a child’s best interest to encourage something that will cause conflict between their parents.

Yes I agree that isn’t OP’s . Sorry you edited comment so didn’t have a chance to read

I am a bugger for the edit button. Sorry!

Sounds like poor DS is going to have a few years of confusion ahead of him if you can’t make the idiot see sense. You just need to try be as consistent as possible and try to correct him every time.

Seems ex is using these women as childcare to help him with DS twice a month, which is pathetic. Between you, DS and even the girlfriends - he is treating everyone appallingly.

I can definitely imagine there are lots of potential scenarios where it would be hurtful to correct a child (although not yours as grandma/ grandpa makes perfect sense). And what defines a “mum”? For example, surely adoptive children are allowed to call their adoptive parents mum and dad? Iyswim.

I also disagree that it is always in children’s interests to centre their parents’ feelings to “avoid conflict”…

Anyway I will stop derailing!! It’s just interesting to me how this is so much the subject of court orders these days..

Same 😆

My son is speech delayed and went through a phase of calling all men and women couples mum and dad.

Then shortly after it was just that all men were dad and all women were mum, even if he had previously known their names.

He's 6 now and grown out of it for the most part, although I do die inside when we're in public with family and he still occasionally says things like "daddy uncle Justin" "mummy gran gran" "daddy grandad" and suddenly I can feel the pierce of a thousand stares into my skull from onlookers who obviously have questions they dare not ask.

That’s not what I was saying at all. Some people would encourage this to antagonise the other parent, when presenting it as ‘well little Charlie wants to call my girlfriend ‘Mummy Beth/mummy 2/mummy’ etc.’ Small children often ask if they should call a step parent mummy/daddy etc, whatever the common language of the house is. Saying no isn’t harmful, and it’s not expecting the child to safeguard the parent’s feelings. It’s about both parents positively promoting the child’s relationship with the other parent. I would question the motives of any father who encouraged his child to call his girlfriend of the month ‘mum’. That’s not about looking after the kid’s feelings, it’s weaponising the child.

anyway, derail over.

Are you 100% sure this woman was actually there and your son has met her? Could it not be that your son is pretending that he went swimming with “daddy and mum” as that’s what he had done previously (I.e with you both when you were together?). In the way that children sometimes have imaginary friends, has he seen other kids with both parents there and imagined that for himself? A bit of a stretch I know, but I just can’t see why your ex is denying it & making his own child out to be a liar if the woman was actually there. For what gain?

But when he's older he'll switch to mum. He's not going to keep calling you mummy when he's a teenager (unless you're an aristocrat). So calling Rachel mum or any other of dad's girlfriends mum is going to be really difficult later. Mum is reserved for you only.

Agreed, I’m sure if I’m still with my partner past June and ready to introduce him, if I say the word “dad” he will go apeshit.

Why on earth are you calling a boyfriend you've not had a long your 'partner'. Why do either of you need to introduce the poor little mite to anyone after 6 months? I know you can't control what your ex does but to be honest if he can't see that the precious time he spends with his son should be 121, then he's an arsehole and you're well shot. But don't start introducing him to a new boyfriend that you have either. He's not a partner, he's a random bloke you see every now and then and your son doesn't need another confusing man to be introduced to.

This simply means they are having unprotected sex because she has told him she can't have kids. Expect her to be pregnant within the year.