Is 45 too old to have a baby

[Catontoof]

is this fair on a child?
I am seriously considering this as I feel like
therr has been a huge hole in my life.

It’s all arbitrary isn’t it.

I had my kids at 31 and 33. But under 40 is all of a muchness to me - the kids will be finished school before you hit 60, the overall risk of abnormalities is still low.

Over 40 was my personal cut off and I think it’s madness to consider it at 45.

@Spendysis I definitely think that's something Op is forgetting. Just how tying those early years are. And how stressful it is getting away from work to do pickups. The stress being stuck in traffic.

I think in your 40s with almost grown kids, time with a new partner it's time to enjoy the freedom of not having young children to consider. Be able to have off-peak holidays, long weekends all at the drop of a hat.

No one should be taking childcare as a grandparent into account when having a child that’s crazy. I don’t expect my parents to mind my dc. It’s not their responsibility.

I agree, it's the least important consideration, but it is worth thinking about. Perhaps it is more about whether the child will actually have grandparents around long enough for them to have a connection and that relationship in their lives. I think this is even more important in small families where there aren't lots of other extended family members.

@Cornflakes123 I agree. We had our dc at 35 and 40. I don't expect grandparents to look after my 4 year old and 4 month dcs! We moved miles away anyway. My mum is only 61 and I can depend on her for an emergency but wouldn't expect anything else

I had my 6th child at 38, am now almost 52.

Whilst I disagree that 38 is too old (obviously!) I think that setting your own limit on ttc is sensible and if it works for you then thats all that matters. It allows you to see your future in a different way, making concrete plans rather than holding on to "But we might be pregnant then......" uncertainty that trying and trying and trying gives you. Hope is the cruelest torment.

For MN purposes though, perhaps you might want to rephrase it as "I think that 38 is too old for ME to become a mother" rather than as a blanket "I dont want to at that age, so no one else should either".

Exactly this. Agree that setting your own cutoff is one thing but telling others they are too old just isn’t nice. It’s such a personal decision.

but I can also really relate to the putting your life on hold to ttc mentality and this is really important for the OP. It’s very hard to make any plans when you are constantly hoping to be pregnant in the near future.

Absolutely not too old x

I literally made it personal by saying 'I am too old at 38'. I didn't say others were. If I thought that, I would have said 'everybody is too old at 38'.

If you can still have children & you want to have a baby then go for it. There are people in their later years far more healthy & fitter than those half their age. As I mentioned in a previous post I had a neighbour in a previous house who regularly in her late 70s & early 80s looked after her Grandchildren in preschool & after school. She was amazing.

I completely I understand the arguments about financial security and life experience.

But statiscally if you are in your 60s you are far more likely to become unwell or infirm than someone in their 30s no matter how unhealthily. Odds are still in your favour if you are healthy weight etc, but not less than someone 20 years year how could it be ?

I got pregnant 1st time trying in my 40s and had no issue with tiredness or finding it a huge drag and ds was a live wire

But there again 20+ years later and I work with late teens/early 20s people and I am fitter and faster than virtually all of them. (Only ones that can out pace me are dd and ds who have much longer legs than I do)

FWIW we know 2 of dc’s peers who had lost both parents (who were in their early-mid40s by the time they had left university)

Having children in your teens and early 20s doesn’t mean there is any guarantee of you being around for their wedding or having grandchildren

I don’t think you can appreciate how unfit some 20 year olds are

Very true.

DH is the result of "teen pregnancy" (a social disaster in the 70s bless her), and his mum died many years ago after years of ill health. She was never really a grandparent at all to our DC due to illness (and it has to be said, personality).

My DDad was late forties having me and didn't die until I was in my forties, having been a brilliant, present and interested grandparent right up until his very last month. (He was however a lot older than my mum and that has always been a bonus)

Yes in my opinion it is too old OP… I base this on having the oldest parents in the school. I have no memories of any grandparents, my own mother died at 60 and it tore me to shreds. I’m now early 40’s and have hardly any family left. My husband was the picture of health until he turned 42 and now he’s on 8 different medications and we will be lucky to have him around for another 10 years. Who would look after the young child if you were gone? It’s not just about the age you conceive, it’s how healthy you will be in the next 18 years. While health is never a guarantee, think about when people start developing more serious problems with their health generally. Think long and hard.

It certainly would be for me. I'm 44 and in Peri so not likely to conceive naturally now. Physically and emotionally it would be too much for me but I did have my kids my 20s so the exhaustion is probably down to having kids already as well as all the hormonal changes I'm dealing with.

My choice is not someone else's and they may not have been ready until their 40s. Being financially stable and finally in a loving relationship are great reasons to wait for the right time. Having a baby when you are struggling for money or with a knobhead OH (that once you have kids, you are then attached to for life) is a much tougher deal.

So my advice is is the circumstances are right then go for it.

I’m not sure you understand statistics and probability!

people always come on to say they know a sixty year old who is fitter than a twenty year old they saw eating fast food!

however, that doesn’t change the fact that a sixty year old, on average, has a much higher probability of being diagnosed with a life limiting illness. That is life - people age. A twenty year old has a much longer life expectancy than a sixty year old.

I never understand why people make these arguements. They heard a tragic story about a young women dying therefore it must be equally likely to die at 27 as 67. It’s not.

Well this has been interesting. So May really helpful thoughts and sadly so many who put their view across in a really nasty manner too. Luckily there are an equal amount able to share their view, whatever that is, in a humane and kind way. Thank you.

iv been given a lot of flack for saying that having another baby would fill a hole. I see nothing wrong with this I have always always wanted another snd that is said hole I am referring to. Nothing will take that away.
Interestingly I know that a lot of adoptive parents are 40plus and this is never raised as an issue.

So many helpful answer's I really feel more than ever that I want to expand my family, however will be looking at other options including perhaps fostering or supporting children who are already in need. As I'm not stuck on that child needing to be biologically mine. Thanks everyone

@Catontoof totally agree about adoptive parents. Men don’t get nearly as much criticism either. Sometimes I think as women we are our own worst enemies the way we criticise and judge each other.

As many people have pointed out already men don’t have to physically carry a baby, give birth to it and – sadly – aren’t usually nearly as involved in its upbringing still. OP, I think fostering could be just the thing for you if you have what it takes

Practically it probably is too hold, you probably won’t be in your child’s life as long as you want to be.

I’m an IVF baby now in my late 20s and my parents are 46 and 40 years older than me, but my mum died of cancer when I was just 26.

I got pregnant with my first child when my husband and I were 27, knowing that I wanted as much time as I could with my child, and to give her siblings whilst we were still young. Not everyone is ready when it’s the right time biologically though.

However much I wish I had younger parents, I still had a great childhood. The yearning for a child is real and powerful and if you feel compelled to be a parent and believe you could give a child a great life, then do it.

If you’re planning on having a child yourself it’s unlikely you’d be successful with IVF using your own eggs. Donor eggs would be more likely to lead to a pregnancy but certainly woman have had and will continue to have children in their mid 40s.

I think the “cut off” point for IVF at least is 50. I would agree that 50 is probably too old, but at 45 if you really want this now is the time to try to have a child as literally every month you wait your fertility declines to the point where it may be biologically impossible.

Not all of us are lucky enough to meet "our man" in our 20s.

There's lots of bad men around.

I had my first child at 33, second child at 35, third child at 36 and I'm now 38 and pregnant with our forth and final child.

When I was in the hospital, there were quite a few women in their early 40s giving births.

It's not as unusual as some people on this thread like to think.

There's a big difference in terms of fertility between early 40s and mid 40s. Much more common to have a baby at 41/42 than 45.

That’s actually a very sexist attitude to have. Plenty of dads are just as involved as mothers. And doesn’t fit in with many of the arguments here which are “you are probably ok at 45 but imagine being 60 with a 15 year old” But thanks for your comment