Is 45 too old to have a baby

[Catontoof]

is this fair on a child?
I am seriously considering this as I feel like
therr has been a huge hole in my life.

If you can get pregnant naturally at 45 ( & many women do ) then clearly you’re not too old.

Too old in my honest opinion.
Will it be fair on your current child and your possible new child? Probably not.
Don’t just think of your own wants and desires.

It's not just for a decade!

Yes it is but there is still a very good chance of a successful pregnancy.

Yes. Look at fostering or adopting an older child. The risks to you and baby with a pregnancy at 45 are much higher and the chance of you becoming seriously ill or dying whilst they are still a child is much higher. I know going from typical life expectancy it may seem you are likely to be around into their adulthood but the reality is that the risks of cancer and other health conditions do significantly increase with age.

This. Because what if it doesn't? They don't do refunds and to be honest I don't feel it's entirely healthy to bring a life into the world to plug a hole within yourself. That amount of pressure being put on one set of shoulders makes me shudder somewhat.

Selfish to have a baby at 40 imo. A 60 year old parent with a 20 year, just no.
The child would be starting their own family and possibly have an aging parent to care for. With all due respects and fairness who is seriously going to say that is their choice in life? I wouldn't believe them for one minute.

There are a few things you need to hear in mind:

1. are you actually physically able to get pregnant?
2. you may be in good health for a baby now, but by the time you get pregnant and give birth you’ll most likely be nearing 47. Statistically you probably won’t be around to see that child get married, have grandkids etc. You’d need to ensure they wouldn’t have to care for you in your old age when they are only in their 20s.
3. You’ll still be running around parks and doing school runs at 60. You also need to prepare for the fact everyone will assume you are the grandparent.
4. Do you have a support structure in place to provide care for a child if you do become infirm or pass away whilst they are still young?

My DH’s parents had him in their late 40s and to be perfectly honest they simply weren’t up to it.

If it feels right to you and it is what you really want, you should go for it. I had my second child at 41 and I don't think four years makes much difference. Yes, you will find it exhausting. But you will find your own ways of coping. The people saying 45 is a grandparent age are just being rude.

I have three friends who have had or are having a baby mid to late forties. They are all utterly exhausted (not unhappy about it but they have all said how tired they are all the time ). One had her only child at 45, another had one at 44, one at 46 and is now having twins at 48 (not ivf apparently being older you release more FSH???) and the third had one baby via ivf at 47 with donor egg

Yes, it's too old imo.

My eldest will be 23 when I'm 45. I could not imagine having a baby at that age.
Or having a 15yr old at 60! My mum is 60 and she has a 15yr old grandson!

Dp's parents died at age 59 and 63, through illness, potentially you could leave a teenager with no parents. Yes anyone can die at any time but he older you get the more likely it is.

The only thing that might be in your favour is more financial security than younger families.

I had my two at 41 and 45. Everyone’s life is different. Honestly, you’d be best not seeking opinions on here because some people are very vocal about how evil and selfish it is to be an older mother. Not an older parent, but specifically an older mother. I would have had my second at 43 if it hadn’t been for an ectopic pregnancy. I consider myself very fortunate to have been able to conceive again at 44. Do what’s right for you.

Just because you can doesn't mean you should. What happens if there were on going health problems with the child would that child grow up resenting their parents for being older and problems occuring as a result? Sperm ages as does eggs, higher risks all round.

This is a very good point. I have teenagers, elderly PILs, and work full time in a stressful job. Honestly it’s too much. I can’t imagine having to do it with small children.

For me personally, I would say yes, 45 is too old to have a baby.

The older a woman is, the more risks there are associated with maternal and fetal health.
Not only that, if you have a non-sleeper, it messes you up in every way. There's no way I could cope with that if I had my DC at that age.

Managing teenagers was fairly horrific in my 40s. I definitely would not have coped well now, in my early 60s

I don't know many people of 45 who are grandparents, unless they were very young mums and then their children were also very young parents. I was 29 when I had my first and 34 with my last. Many friends the same age gad babies into their 40s.

Why is a 60 year old parent with a 20 year old a just no? Asking because I am 62 and my daughter is 20 and neither of us feel disadvantaged in any way. She thinks she has the best mum in the whole world, so I would just like to know what you think is so wrong?

I think it is all up to you OP! Many women have babies at 45. I think the most important thing is to consider whether you have the resources and capacity to give a child what they need. Children require so much time , energy and money and sometimes I think that looking around me that not all parents are willing or able to give them what they need and this can damage children emotionally . I would also look at whether you want a teenager when you are 60 (and over). Teenagers are the hardest stage and they (quite rightly) want to push all your buttons as they need to learn to become independent. In terms of fertility then there is a reasonable chance that you would need IVF which can be a tough process to go through.

Priorities: Me me me me me me. And me.
...
(Potential child)

Obviously there is a higher risk of complications for you and for baby. Higher risk of down syndrome for example.
You will get such a mixture of different opinions here.
If you wish to count my opinion then I would say do it if you really want a child. It's not going to make you a less good parent being older.

I was a very young fit 41, my partner 5 years older. I, now 56,have managed fine. My partner has struggled from the start. What I realise now, is that it was a very selfish decision, in terms if my child's welfare. Not least because they will be a lone child, of ill/elderly/dead parents, at too young an age 😢

Believe me, there are lots!

No, not recent. But it was the norm to be a mum in your 20’s in the 1970’s and 1980’s, and grandparents 25 or so years older.
My parents being older also meant I didn’t know my grandparents in any meaningful way, two had died before i was born, the other two died before i was 5 I think. I don't really remember them sadly.

The window may already be shut, and with a 14 year old now why not just enjoy her? You may have wanted 2 but that didn’t happen, what would another baby give you that your DD hasn’t? Counselling seems like a good idea to help resolve these feelings. And then when you do date do it just for yourself, it’s far more likely to be enjoyable than if you do it rushing to try and find a similar aged man who wants a baby so late in life.