It's a wedding one! Missing DD's last day of school

[notanotherweddingaibu]

DH's best friend of many years is getting married in July. DH is the best man.

It will be a small, intimate wedding. Apart from the B&G's DC, the B&G's parents and the brides sister and her DP, DH and I are the only people invited to the ceremony.

We were only told the date last week and it turns out the wedding is on the last day of the school term, and our Year 6 DD's last ever day of primary school.

DD is Autistic and struggles with 'transitions' so is anxious about the prospect of moving up to secondary school. DD and her 2 best friends are all going to different secondary schools, and although there are good reasons for this and DD is definitely happy with her choice I think it's likely all 3 of them will become upset at some point when the realisation hits that it's their last day at school together. We know that the Leavers assembly isn't on the last day, but I suppose it's possible that there may be something else going on involving parents on the last day that hasn't been announced yet.

I am struggling with the idea of DD not having a parent around so part of me thinks DH should just go without me. I feel I should put her first. But the Groom is one of our oldest and closest friends. I'm very fond of him and the idea of missing his wedding makes me feel really sad.

The wedding is a 3 hour drive away, so we wouldn't be able to take her to school then go. We will either have to stay overnight or be back very late.

We are lucky to have two sets of GP's who are very willing babysitters so childcare not an issue.

YABU: Of course you can't both miss your DD's last day of primary school, DH should go to the wedding alone.

YANBU: She'll be fine with the GP's, of course you should both go to the wedding.

You are making this into a big deal for your children. Just don’t mention your worries to them. If they haven’t said anything to you then don’t put ideas in their heads

UPDATE:

I asked DD how she would feel about GP's doing the school run and having a sleepover at their house on her last day. I brought it up whilst we were driving to her hobby as a casual "oh by the way..." type thing because I'm mindful of what pp's have said about parents feeding a lot of the emotion/drama around this stuff. She shrugged and said yeah that's fine. I told her that DH and I will both be there for the leavers assembly the day before. I also suggested we plan something with her 2 best friends for a few days after. She said that would be nice.

She was really quiet for the rest of the drive. She never stops talking normally! so when we got there I asked if she was OK. Her eyes filled with tears. She tried to hide it but was clearly upset.

Eventually she told me she doesn't want me to miss the wedding but she feels sad and panicky at the thought of not having me around on the last day because she doesn't know how she's going to feel when she wakes up in the morning or when she comes out of school. She said she loves her GP's and knows they would look after her if she was upset but it's "not the same". She said I know I sound like a baby but I just want you there, Mum. I told her that doesn’t make her babyish as I'm 41 and still want my Mum sometimes when things are difficult!

I've never known DD turn down the opportunity to spend time with her GP's so it's clearly a big deal to her.

I was half expecting this reaction, half expecting her to not care at all. It's tough to predict with DD. But now that I know how she feels I guess that's made my decision for me!

How am I making it a big deal for DD by posting on here? I haven't mentioned my "worries" to her at all, i've mentioned them here to get advice. She already knows about the wedding, and since she's Autistic it's important to prepare her for things (like one or both of us being away) in advance. I can't just disappear for a a night away without talking to her about it first, maybe some kids would be fine with that but we're not in that position.

Aw bless her. Definitely put her first. But then in the space of there is no one else’s wedding the two of us would absolutely have to be at. DH is part of the wedding party so that’s that.

That's too bad. I don't know why schools and parents hype these things to the point where kids get tearful about them. Making a big deal out of an ordinary last day, to the point it affects other plans.

OP - I think you are doing the right thing and absolutely right to bring it up casually and see how it goes.

I generally agree on the things being overhyped nowadays but I also remember leaving primary school over 30 years ago and that it was a big deal even then so I’m not sure things have changed that much.

@BettyBardMacDonald i don’t think things are necessarily hyped up, and it certainly doesn’t sound like it in this case

These kids have spent 7 years going to school in one place with the same group of friends. It’s the end of a key stage of their lives and feeling sad at it coming to an end and apprehensive about a big change is natural.

I think it’s great that op has spoken to her dd and understands her feelings about it. She’ll now be there for her and her dd will feel reassured and supported, something that she’ll probably remember forever.

After a week of the emotional overdrive, last year my DD just wanted to be home, with me, to decompress. She absolutely hated the place and home was calm and safe.
She might have been OK with one set of grandparents, but she might not have. She was only really able to open up about the bullying to me and her sister.

Its tricky because they all react differently.

Your poor DD. I'm really sorry that this was her experience. It sounds like you have a lovely close relationship though.

DD absolutely loves her school, teachers and little group of friends but finds the sensory aspect of school really hard and some children have not been kind about her SEN so it will be a day of very mixed emotions for sure.

You should definitely go to the wedding. Your dh needs you for support and honestly it will be difficult for the bride and groom to understand that their wedding is missed because of your child’s last day at school when grandparents are able to take over. You will be gone for next to no time and back the next day. I understand your dd has transitional issues but she isn’t being left with strangers and grandparents will ensure she is okay. Perhaps you can arrange a phone call or something to check on her and perhaps a leaving gift which grandparents can give her.

I get where you're coming from. I agree that it doesn't benefit the kids to make it a massive deal. In our case I don't think the school are hyping them up really. Transitions are just really hard for DD because of her SEN and she's really anxious about the move up to high school, but that's not the schools fault. I can think of a couple of parents who will almost certainly be doing some performative weeping and wailing on the last day though, and it will 100% not help the situation 😕

There doesn't have to be hype for children to form attachments to places, routines or people. It's actually quite normal. Add in the fact that for some children it is a massive change in terms of location, familiarity, size, having no other friends or one or two etc., the last day can feel very emotional and a big deal regardless of how parents/schools act.

I have ex pupils that still come to visit me every now and then or run to me for a hug and a chat if they see me out in the "wild".

Just food for thought:

How will she develop resilience if she's always shielded from anything had, even when the shielding causes significant inconvenience/disappointment for others? Always caving to her fears just validates them.

Everyone, even people with autism, must learn how to handle things that don't 100 percent go as they please.

I would think the presence of loving grandparents would suffice. You can't be at her side every challenging moment of her life.

Really? You would end a 20 year friendship with a couple because they decided that one of them should be with their child on a day that was going to be particularly challenging for her due to her additional needs?

Presumably if you felt that strongly you'd have checked with your friends before setting the date? That hasn't happened in our case.

DD is very resilient. Hence she has made the decision to go to a different high school to her friends, because its the right environment for her.

I'm not sure where you got the idea that she is "always shielded from anything that's hard" and that we are "always caving to her fears". In the last 12 months alone she has pushed herself massively out of her comfort zone to go on a residential trip, joined a new extra-curricular club where she didnt know anyone, and performed in front of very large audiences. She has also dealt with a bereavement and serious family illness.

Life is always going to be a bit harder for her than it would be if she was NT and there's nothing I can do to change that. DD has to do things every day that scare her. Because being ND in a world that is set up for the comfort and convenience of NT people is really, really hard. So to be honest with you if her SEN very occasionally causes "inconvenience/disappointment" for adults maybe they're the ones who need to develop their resilience?

I would definitely cool a 20-year friendship if I realized my friends didn't prioritize my tiny wedding.

I wouldn't think ill of them, but I would accept that we weren't very important to them and that our lifestyles weren't compatible going forward, and not exert myself to perpetuate the relationship.

Their best man will be there.

I think you should go to wedding - prepare DD, say it's your best friend's wedding, you'll go to end of your assemblies etc. I agree it might not be that important to her for you to be around. If she can be with grandparents she has someone close to share with emotionally.

You already have your answer, but I was going to say you should stay.
I wouldn't have left my autistic DC on the last day of primary school. It is such a huge transition to secondary school and the summer holidays might be tough for her as she will be thinking about what's to come.
The posters saying she needs to build resilience or you should go to the wedding and explain it to her are very logical. But sadly life with an autistic child is far from logical sometimes!

OK, well we're all different I suppose.

I'm generally of the opinion that people should have the wedding they want, but if what they want is a weekday wedding, during term time, then it shouldn't be a huge shock if friends with school aged children can't make it.

Also DH is taking a day off work, booking a hotel and travelling to be there so he is prioritising the wedding.

You sound like a lovely mum, a good friend and generally a very kind and chilled person!
It's a shame B&G didn't check the dates with their small guest list, as it sounds like you and DP are the groom's only guests. Like you said, they have every right to do it how they want, but hopefully they'll understand the flip side of that is that not everyone will be able to make it. Can you do something separately as a four to celebrate, assuming you're also close with them?

That's not how resilience works. Resilience is knowing and accepting the thing will happen, doing it anyway, knowing you'll get through it and having a plan for it. For a 10/11yo wanting her mum there when she knows it'll be an emotional/distressing time is actually great forward planning and preparation. It's like taking a painkiller before a painful intervention.

It's also not avoiding her fear. She's still going in. She's doing the day. She's doing the leaving thing. She'll feel all the feelings.

The fact that she'd much rather have her mum there for comfort and support on a day she knows she'll needed doesn't mean she's avoiding anything or not being resilient.

I think if a couple are planning such a tiny wedding that it's non-negotiable for all their invited guests to attend it would be sensible to check that it doesn't clash with any unmovable commitments the guests already have.

Exactly this. You've articulated my thoughts on the matter much more eloquently (and less stroppily!) than I did so thank you.

It's frustrating that many people still see accommodations or support for Autistic children as a barrier to developing resilience when actually the opposite is true! But I also accept that some aspects of parenting an ND child must seem counter-intuitive if you're used to parenting NT kids. I still second guess myself sometimes, hence this thread!

OP I think you’ve gone about this exactly the right way. Very thoughtful and light touch no pressure way of raising it with your daughter, and great understanding to see past her answers. The right answer for her is likely different to the right answer for lots of other children. And as for your friends - your DH will be there, and if they are good friends I hope they would understand that you don’t take these decisions lightly. Very much a shame to miss it, and sod’s Law will say that your DD is completely fine and relaxed on her last day - but you have to take the decisions you think are best.