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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's a wedding one! Missing DD's last day of school

135 replies

notanotherweddingaibu · 08/02/2025 17:52

DH's best friend of many years is getting married in July. DH is the best man.

It will be a small, intimate wedding. Apart from the B&G's DC, the B&G's parents and the brides sister and her DP, DH and I are the only people invited to the ceremony.

We were only told the date last week and it turns out the wedding is on the last day of the school term, and our Year 6 DD's last ever day of primary school.

DD is Autistic and struggles with 'transitions' so is anxious about the prospect of moving up to secondary school. DD and her 2 best friends are all going to different secondary schools, and although there are good reasons for this and DD is definitely happy with her choice I think it's likely all 3 of them will become upset at some point when the realisation hits that it's their last day at school together. We know that the Leavers assembly isn't on the last day, but I suppose it's possible that there may be something else going on involving parents on the last day that hasn't been announced yet.

I am struggling with the idea of DD not having a parent around so part of me thinks DH should just go without me. I feel I should put her first. But the Groom is one of our oldest and closest friends. I'm very fond of him and the idea of missing his wedding makes me feel really sad.

The wedding is a 3 hour drive away, so we wouldn't be able to take her to school then go. We will either have to stay overnight or be back very late.

We are lucky to have two sets of GP's who are very willing babysitters so childcare not an issue.

YABU: Of course you can't both miss your DD's last day of primary school, DH should go to the wedding alone.

YANBU: She'll be fine with the GP's, of course you should both go to the wedding.

OP posts:
Browniesandcustard · 08/02/2025 20:30

Go to the wedding … get GP’s to do the last day. It’s primary school and they’ll do all sorts in the last week anyway.

Original poster
notanotherweddingaibu · 08/02/2025 20:31

pimplebum · 08/02/2025 20:24

Our primary has a lovely tradition of clapping year 6 out and them all the parents go to the park and drink and nibble kids run around
it lovely but your asd may not mind missing out on something like that ?

ask her what she thinks ?

can she not sleep over at a friends house , go to last day , get a relative to put her on a train you pick her up from station ?

It would be a 4+ hour journey involving changing trains. Maybe some Y6 kids would be fine with that but it would definitely be too much for DD and I wouldn't feel comfortable at all.

I haven't asked her what she thinks yet but knowing DD she will say "ill be fine, you should go" even if she really wants me to stay. If she really does want me to stay it would more than likely come out in the form of a huge meltdown a week or two before.

OP posts:
okydokethen · 08/02/2025 20:38

I'd feel too awful to miss the last day and would drive up after school with a stop off for dinner and expect to arrive about 7pm.

Happyhippos123 · 08/02/2025 20:43

I agree with others that the last day of primary is only a big deal if the kids and parents make it a big deal - I'm surprised to read about kids being waved off by all the school, or parents singing to them.

If your school is going to have an emotional send off like this, it might well be better for your daughter to miss it, and finish up with the leavers event the evening before.

So I think you go to the wedding, and your DD skips the last day and stays with grandparents, so there's no risk of any drama and upset.

The leavers assembly in my DDs school was lovely, definately lots of misty eyed parents, kids were busy with songs etc so space for drama lamas to indulge but it was enough.

Gymrabbit · 08/02/2025 20:54

*Vitriolinsanity *

I wouldn’t expect the groom to know the OPs kids term dates but I would expect him to ask one of the tiny amount of guests attending if the date was convenient for them before booking.

Delphiniumandlupins · 08/02/2025 21:00

If you have capable and willing grandparents I think it's a lovely opportunity to let them be involved. You can go to the Leavers' Assembly the day before. Knowing you are missing a close friend's wedding is going to add more pressure to your DD

berksandbeyond · 08/02/2025 21:02

I would stay with my child.

The bride and groom have cheaped out with a weekday wedding so they shouldn't be that surprised if some people can't attend

JimHalpertsWife · 08/02/2025 21:09

berksandbeyond · 08/02/2025 21:02

I would stay with my child.

The bride and groom have cheaped out with a weekday wedding so they shouldn't be that surprised if some people can't attend

And do what? Pick the child up, come home, make dinner. That's all. Same as every other day.

PullTheBricksDown · 08/02/2025 21:12

notanotherweddingaibu · 08/02/2025 20:18

This is a good idea, thank you. We will definitely do this if I end up going to the wedding, or even if I don't actually it's still a good idea!

Show quote history

Do this, go to the wedding and let her grandparents take her. You said 'they're brilliant with her'. That's the key thing. You're leaving her in the charge of people who love her and look after her really well. I think you're right that if you stay back it risks making it seem like a bigger deal - a bit like all the parents crying which really isn't great for anyone! Set up the catch up the week after with her good friends. The last day is just one day, and there'll be plenty of other things in the last few weeks that you'll be there for.

Keepgettingolder81 · 08/02/2025 21:13

Just go to the wedding!
The leavers concert is usually the week before anyway, so I wouldn't worry.

BlueSilverCats · 08/02/2025 21:17

You know your DD best. Some kids literally said bye and they were off, not even one look back. Some were devastated, crying, clinging to us/their peers, hugs, wanted pics with the teachers etc.
Some were slightly emotional, had a hug then off they went.

You know best, what kind of child your DD is and whether she'll actually need you for comfort on the day.

NameChangedOfc · 08/02/2025 21:17

Talipesmum · 08/02/2025 18:06

It would be v sad to miss the wedding but I do think, with what you’ve said about your DD, I’d stay at home for the day and send DH to the wedding.

Agree

Pottedpalm · 08/02/2025 21:24

Gymrabbit · 08/02/2025 19:42

I don’t feel strongly about the issue at hand but I’d be pretty pissed off with the groom tbh. It’s a tiny wedding but he didn’t bother to check that the date was a good one for his best man and family? Or was your daughter not invited anyway?

Now you are being ridiculous.

TheMadGardener · 08/02/2025 21:31

I am a teacher. I was not physically at either of my DDs last days of primary school as I was, you know, at my own school and picked them up from childcare later. They were fine. It wasn't a big deal. Go to the wedding, DD has grandparents for any support, she will be fine.
I can't stand it when Y6 mums cause upset to the kids because the mums are sobbing on the playground because their little darlings are leaving primary. It makes the kids think they should be crying too. Most of the Y6s I've known haven't sobbed through the last day, I can only remember one class that did that (mass hysteria). It's only a big deal if parents make it a big deal. Sorry if that seems callous.

HippogriffTattoo · 08/02/2025 21:49

Depends doesn't it? Do you still want to be friends with your closest friends after missing their tiny wedding? Because I wouldn't see you as a friend after that

Gymrabbit · 08/02/2025 22:52

Pottedpalm · 08/02/2025 21:24

Now you are being ridiculous.

Show quote history

Why is it ridiculous?
The OP clearly said it is a tiny wedding. A rough count up from the OP suggests 12 people. And the groom couldn’t be bothered to check that it was convenient for 1/4 of those people before booking.
The OP just needs to do what she wants. The groom clearly wasn’t fussed if she and her daughter attend if he didn’t check the date. (Obviously it would be different if it was 5o people or so)

Ponderingwindow · 08/02/2025 23:21

At our school the last day is a very big deal. All the parents come and all the students line the halls as the leavers walk out of the building for the last time.

we didn’t get to do it because of Covid, so they actually brought us all back later to recreate the moment it was considered so important.

I can’t imagine missing that last day.

Ponderingwindow · 08/02/2025 23:23

If you or your husband’s attendance was critical, they would have checked the date before scheduling the wedding. That is what people do for must attend guests.

BlondiePortz · 08/02/2025 23:24

notanotherweddingaibu · 08/02/2025 17:58

She definitely will not want to miss the last day of school, which I understand as I would have been the same at her age.

Show quote history

Agreed my child would not have wanted too either, I would send my husband and stay with my child

Bestfadeplans · 08/02/2025 23:27

I dont think parents need to be involved in the last day do they? Unless the assembly is in that day, which it isnt

HMW1906 · 08/02/2025 23:28

I’d go to the wedding and let grandparents do pick up. From what you’ve said it’s going to be more about leaving the 2 best friends than leaving the school so I’d just arrange something for that weekend or the following week for her to see her friends so that she knows that it’s not going to be the last time she sees them.

mitogoshigg · 08/02/2025 23:35

If she's close to her grandparents I'm sure they can substitute for you if needed. Go enjoy yourselves

mitogoshigg · 08/02/2025 23:40

Btw when did this become "a thing" my dc are young adults and last day of primary was no big deal, there was assembly and dd1 got a prize for highest sats mark but otherwise they came out of school and went home via the sweet shop, a decent percentage missed it completely as they had gone on holiday (fines started the following year)

mitogoshigg · 08/02/2025 23:45

@TheMadGardener

Less than half the kids at my DD's primary were collected by parents, last day was no exception, but then there was no overly emotional silliness either. 80% + went onto the same secondary so would have been rather over the top to be sobbing Grin

MiddleClassProblem · 08/02/2025 23:46

mitogoshigg · 08/02/2025 23:40

Btw when did this become "a thing" my dc are young adults and last day of primary was no big deal, there was assembly and dd1 got a prize for highest sats mark but otherwise they came out of school and went home via the sweet shop, a decent percentage missed it completely as they had gone on holiday (fines started the following year)

I left primary in the 90s and it was a thing then. We all signed each others shirts or jumpers. Tears but I think the parents organised a meet up in a park after where we played rounders and had a picnic.

You are potentially with those kids every weekday, 39 weeks a year from 4 years to 11 then might never see them again. You’re also leaving a place that you know to go somewhere you don’t at all.