It's a wedding one! Missing DD's last day of school

[notanotherweddingaibu]

DH's best friend of many years is getting married in July. DH is the best man.

It will be a small, intimate wedding. Apart from the B&G's DC, the B&G's parents and the brides sister and her DP, DH and I are the only people invited to the ceremony.

We were only told the date last week and it turns out the wedding is on the last day of the school term, and our Year 6 DD's last ever day of primary school.

DD is Autistic and struggles with 'transitions' so is anxious about the prospect of moving up to secondary school. DD and her 2 best friends are all going to different secondary schools, and although there are good reasons for this and DD is definitely happy with her choice I think it's likely all 3 of them will become upset at some point when the realisation hits that it's their last day at school together. We know that the Leavers assembly isn't on the last day, but I suppose it's possible that there may be something else going on involving parents on the last day that hasn't been announced yet.

I am struggling with the idea of DD not having a parent around so part of me thinks DH should just go without me. I feel I should put her first. But the Groom is one of our oldest and closest friends. I'm very fond of him and the idea of missing his wedding makes me feel really sad.

The wedding is a 3 hour drive away, so we wouldn't be able to take her to school then go. We will either have to stay overnight or be back very late.

We are lucky to have two sets of GP's who are very willing babysitters so childcare not an issue.

YABU: Of course you can't both miss your DD's last day of primary school, DH should go to the wedding alone.

YANBU: She'll be fine with the GP's, of course you should both go to the wedding.

Our school used to do something similar but have stopped it apparently as there were not just kids, but also parents crying inconsolably which then made the kids more upset. I think they try to keep it quite low key now. But I wouldn't be surprised if there was some sort of afterschool event organised by some parents.

But I wouldn't be surprised if there was some sort of afterschool event organised by some parents

Could her grandparents take her, if something else crops up? Or can she go with her closest friend and their parent?

As long as you are there for the leavers assembly, I'd say that's sufficient.

I am the last person who would be driving any 'drama', honestly. DD is also not one for drama at all, but I can imagine that some of the parents will be extremely emotional and she will find that awkward and not know how to react. Part of me agrees with you, by missing the wedding do I risk raising her anxieties further by making the last day seem like a really big deal?

If she wanted to go the GP's definitely would take her. She may not want to though. She doesn't really like parties or 'big' social events. She is only really comfortable with her little group of friends and even then she needs time to decompress after socialising. They don't do a Y6 prom and DD has mentioned she's glad as she wouldn't have wanted to go. But if it was something fairly chilled like a pp mentioned going to the park, something like that she probably would.

Ahh ok, that makes it easier then - grandparents take her home. Maybe leave a little gift with them for her to know you are thinking of her - and on the leavers assembly day maybe take her out for a nice tea.

I would go to the wedding.
Why do schools ramp up this to make it a big emotional deal, it’s unnecessary! Keep it low key and the children will respond accordingly. Time enough for big farewells when they finish year 11.. sixth form.. university ..

The last day for my DD last year they had a disco in the evening, but it wasn't for parents. Wouldn't have mattered who had dropped off or picked up. The stuff for parents was the week before. I'd go to the wedding and trust that grandparents can deputise for anything that day.

The last day of Year 6 is a really important one. My dc would have been really upset to miss it. It’s when they all sign their shirts and ours have their leavers assembly and it’s just a really special day for them. I wouldn’t have missed it for a wedding.

Dh can go on his own and I would stay with dd.

I would go to the wedding, have the grandparents do a big treat thing after school and do a few video calls to chat to your DD about the day.

I would let Grandparents pick her up and you go to the wedding. I bet she'll be fine and if she does get a bit upset, GPs can give her a cuddle and maybe take her for a little treat like a nice hot chocolate and cake at a café? Or you could leave a treat and a little note for her to find when she gets home 😊

I agree with you and to be honest, part of me would have been happy to take her out of school for the wedding to avoid it. But she really doesn't want to miss the last day.

Whilst it doesn't need to be this huge emotional thing, if people are going to turn it into a huge emotional thing then I feel a bit guilty expecting GP's to manage that. They're totally capable of managing it, they're brilliant with DD. It's just the old 'mum guilt' I suppose.

As long as DD will be OK with grandparents then do what you want to do most.

I wasn’t sure when I read your OP but having seen the replies I’ve been convinced by the “go to the wedding, the grandparents will be fine” cohort.

From what you’ve said about your daughter she’d maybe find any drama and sobbing and hugging a bit cringeworthy and might prefer to be taken off to a cafe for tea by her GPs rather than navigating that.

Perhaps talk it over with her?

No one is suggesting the dd misses her last day.

Many parents won’t be there as they’ll be at work. She will be fine and I’d be upset if I was your friends and you didn’t come.

I definitely wouldn't my child to miss the last day of primary school either. I have lovely memories of the last day, hugging, reminiscing, listening to sad songs and crying (in a nice way, not hysterical), with friends. It was a really good bonding experience. How about you drop her off at school, drive to the wedding and let grandparents collect her from school? You guys enjoy the wedding then get back to her as soon as you can after?

As I've said, she won't be missing the last day whatever happens and dropping off at school then driving to wedding not an option as we wouldn't make it in time.

Does she have a sensible grandparent who would be able to calm her down easily? My mum is lovely but also quite no nonsense and I can't imagine any of her grandkids getting into an emotional state over the last day of primary with her around to quickly soothe and calm them and get them out of there. If her grandparents are similar, and are happy to deal with any potential drama then I would go to the wedding.

I get that, but presumably the majority of those parents will at least see their kids in the evening when they get home from work whereas we would either be away overnight or back way past her bedtime so not quite the same.

Not wanting to upset our friend is a consideration and part of the reason I feel torn.

Only you know your daughter and only you know the school. What events are planned for when and what events does she want you there for? My DS left primary last year and I think the leavers assembly and sports event were done before the last day. Obviously your priority is your daughter (and I would argue she is your husband's priority too), so if there are things on the last day she'll be upset if you miss, don't go, if not do.

She's your daughter, your friend is an adult and will get over it. Be there for your daughter.

Go to the wedding.
Have a good time.
Make some memories for you and dh and then go back to being mum the next day.
Your dd will be fine making her 'own' memories and you'll both have loads to talk about the next day.

The last day of year 6 is really special, well it was for both of my two at their school. Don’t miss out on that lovely last day OP.

She has lovely GPs you say? She will be absolutely fine with them. If they plan a special treat, you can FaceTime her later and then enjoy yourself. She will take her lead from you so if you make it something to be emotional about missing, she will perceive it that way. If you focus on how lucky she is to be collected by GPs to share this special day with them she will be fine xx I have just lost my Mom. She had an amazing relationship with both of my DDS. I worked on Fridays which was usually the last day of term and GPs would collect them as they did every Friday. I can't remember collecting them on any last day. One has definite ASD tendencies. Neither have any issues whatsoever with GPs sharing last days with them. In fact there would have been a protest if I had turned up!!

Urgh see mine was different - we had a full week of events at school, then on the last day all the kids and parents stood hugging and crying on the playground and dd said "mum, can we just go home? This is ridiculous"