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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

If you’re married to a surgeon please tell me if you think I’m being unfair?

406 replies

Likao · 07/02/2025 21:46

I am 40 and we have 1 dc age 2. I do everything for dd in terms of nursery runs, packing bags, ensuring dd has new shoes that fit, taking her to appointments etc. Any admin you can think of, I do.

i also work full time from home, so I have flexibility which is why I do nursery etc. At weekends DP will take dd out from 10ish to 4pm ish on a Saturday or Sunday so I can have a break. I don’t think this is ok or enough and I’m starting to get really pissed off that everything is left to me.

if I ask DP to do a specific task like put a wash on or pick up some food then he will. But what infuriates me is there is NEVER a sense of urgency from him to be home at a reasonable time and he would absolutely never ensure he was there to collect dd from nursery for example. I have to cut my data short often to collect her if unwell but he literally does not think he can do this because he can’t just leave patients (in his words). Obviously I know that there is a difference with his job but I am absolutely at the end of my tether tonight and very upset he’s been at work since 6am and not even asked how I’ve got on with dd and her bedtime (she’s very difficult at the moment). It’s making me very unhappy and feel very alone. It’s caused loads of arguments the last few weeks as I feel totally put upon. I don’t feel I have an equal relationship and the only answer I get back is that his job means he can’t do more. I’m sick of it all, should I expect more, is it fair?

OP posts:
BlanketLanyard · 08/02/2025 08:50

Allihavetodoisdream · 08/02/2025 06:50

I have to say, I am depressed by the number of women who are saying that six hours a week to oneself a week is “loads”. Just because you don’t get it doesn’t make it “loads.” Why are so few of you getting any me-time? Do you get to go out in the evenings? For dinner with friends? For lunch on the weekends? For a swim? What do you do if it’s not work and childcare and how haven’t you all plotted a revolution yet?

OP, like you, I expect some time to myself so I hear you. Yes he has a big job but as the many women surgeons and hospital consultants on this thread have demonstrated, they put their shift in childcare wise. (I wonder why that is.) As do some of the other surgeon husbands. So it sounds like you have one who isn’t pulling his weight as much as he could be.

Time to sit down and discuss it properly. Life is too short to be so unhappy.

And everyone else, ask for a bloody Saturday off!

FWIW my DH doesn't get 6 hours a week to himself either. He works long hours, I work school hours. Weekends are family time and catching up on housework, gardening etc.. We might get a few hours a week each to do our own hobbies, see friends etc., but there isn't enough time in the week for us both to have 6 hours in a row to ourselves and for everything to still get done. I appreciate things are less stressful for me than OP as I only work school hours, but I have two ND children so it's not really a walk in the park.

Poppybetty · 08/02/2025 08:50

Depends whether you signed up to be the facilitator for his life so he can have the glittering career and get to be a dad with no inconvenience to him while you compromise your career and life to serve him. Is your time worth less than his? Are you fully human or less human than him with fewer rights than him? When he looks after your child on the weekend are you supposed to feel grateful that he is "helping " you and that really it's your duty to be the parent and he doesn't have 50:50 responsibility for the child with you? Would he do all the parenting if you were a surgeon and he also worked full time? Have a look at the Fair Play card deck which helps couples to split domestic tasks. Also a great book is This American Ex Wife amzn.eu/d/2Vc2ogD

ApiratesaysYarrr · 08/02/2025 08:55

I'm a dr, but not a surgeon.

Sounds like the OP's husband is a registrar (for non -drs this is someone who is fully qualified as a dr, has done postgraduate exams, and is in the last part of training to become a consultant, which is usually 4-5 years, although can be more if does a PhD or a fellowship to gain extra experience).

Although I am not a surgeon, I am aware that the hardest part of the job is getting the hands on experience of doing surgery- the way that training is set up these days means that people get a lot less experience than they would have done before. There are good reasons for this - we operate far less overnight, and only for life or limb threatening issues, as we know that the days of fairly junior surgeons just being expected to get on with operating on anything that came in, regardless of time of day, wasn't safe and led to patient harm, but it does result in less experience overall, and so most surgeons are desperate to get to theatre for operations (after all, they became surgeons because they enjoy operating).

Again, for important training reasons surgeons are not expected to simply turn up in theatre and be allowed to do the op- they generally need to know the patient's case, which means reasing the notes, familiarising themselves with what's been going on, and meeting/examining the patient, all of which takes time before the actual operation. There is a strong culture/expectation of showing commitment by doing such things, and when you are a registrar, most people want to impress their bosses, as they can potentially be applying for a job in that hospital.

As a registrar, there is much less flexibility compared to being a consultant. It is likely that once a consultant, if they are in a specialty that does on calls, they will have a day free in the week (some of them choose to do private practice in that time, but they may not), and also have the ability to do some admin from home. They can potentially request to do LTFT (less than full time training - note that even LTFT training in medicine means working what most people would consider a FT job - a standard medical training job is approximately 48hrs/week - so an 80% LTFT job will be working 38.4 hours). Traditionally (not just in medicine) it has been unusual for men to go LTFT for childcare reasons, and there is still a worry that by doing so, they can be perceived as "less committed".

A 6am start is likely to be because Op's husband is in a hospital that is some distance away - again, this is not something he can control during training, as they are required to move around different hospitals in the region while training.

It sounds like he is making an effort in terms of taking the kids out at a weekend to spend time with them and to give OP a break, but it also sounds as if the timing is not so good for OP, and OP is not feeling valued or recognised that he is able to do what he does because she is holding the fort.

I'd suggest a good talk, at a time when neither of you are feeling more stressed that usual, about your feelings and the options to manage this. There are lots of things that can be considered - husband going LTFT (but note above comments, or if he is close to finishing traing, he may just want to push through for 1-2 years FT to get there), buying in help such as afterschool care, mother's help to help with the drop offs, cleaner, a list of jobs that are his responsibility in the week, things that he can do at the weekend to prepare for the week and make life easier, or simply a commitment that on one/two evening per week, he will be home (barring TRUE emergencies) at a certain time and do all bath/bedtime etc. In the last situation, it wouldn't be a fixed day, due to on call rotas, but you ought to be able to look at his rota for the next 2-4 weeks and pick out a day from each week that suits.

Also, talk about what he thinks a consultant job might look like - think about compressed hours for example. I know a (male) paediatric cardiologist who does compressed hours to have 1 day in the week free for family time.

Oodlesandoodlesofnoodles · 08/02/2025 08:55

The family I know where both are hospital doctors (not surgeons) have a nanny instead of nursery. Might this be a better option for your set up?

Strictlymad · 08/02/2025 08:55

Likao · 07/02/2025 22:59

@BlanketLanyard is this a joke? 6 hours a week? It’s not loads.

It’s more than lots of us get… I’d settle for 2 hours

GreyAreas · 08/02/2025 08:57

You're in the trenches with a young child. Most family set ups work best if one or both of you are part time or have some flex - your only flex is working at home so you are up against it.
It will get worse until about age 7 and then it will gradually get easier.
Of course, it's up to you and you alone what you find reasonable. And it depends what conversations you have had about careers and fairness before now.
I think your weekend arrangement is good, stick with that.
I wouldn't expect him to stick to an agreed time home - it's not realistic with the job in my view - but is he making every effort to get home at a good time when possible.
I would suggest he takes on 100% responsibility for some non time dependent tasks across the week (online grocery shop, washing clothes, cleaning bathrooms).

Pineapplewaves · 08/02/2025 08:58

If your DH is a Surgeon you must have a good income, can you not afford to get a cleaner so the bulk of the household jobs are taken care of, leaving you just DC to deal with after work.

Can you not get a babysitter so you can go out for the evening? Any friends or relatives near by? If not ask the nursery staff, some of them will babysit at evenings and weekends to top up their earnings.

I have two DC and I enjoy doing their admin. I love shopping for their clothes and shoes etc. I don't find it a chore. I guess you do so have you written a list and told him which tasks you would like him to deal with?

HundredPercentUnsure · 08/02/2025 09:00

@Likao admin can still happen at the weekend. Shops are open. During your 6hrs to yourself, let DH pack the bags himself, let him take kiddo to get feet measured at the shops, let him take them to swimming lessons or to collect the food shop or prescription or whatever errands/chores need doing.

Get a cleaner.
Get Hello Fresh, the quick meals.

And then the other day at the weekend, make sure DH gets his 6hrs to himself too.

Devon24 · 08/02/2025 09:01

Poppybetty · 08/02/2025 08:50

Depends whether you signed up to be the facilitator for his life so he can have the glittering career and get to be a dad with no inconvenience to him while you compromise your career and life to serve him. Is your time worth less than his? Are you fully human or less human than him with fewer rights than him? When he looks after your child on the weekend are you supposed to feel grateful that he is "helping " you and that really it's your duty to be the parent and he doesn't have 50:50 responsibility for the child with you? Would he do all the parenting if you were a surgeon and he also worked full time? Have a look at the Fair Play card deck which helps couples to split domestic tasks. Also a great book is This American Ex Wife amzn.eu/d/2Vc2ogD

There are plenty of women pursuing glittering careers with their dh in a supporting role. It is different for every family.

Carving out a life with a surgeon is obviously going to impact some areas at home, because he is literally saving lives - not everyone carries that responsibility by any measure.

Having some respect for the enormous pressure and responsibility of this type of profession is not ‘facilitating’ - it’s being realistic.

Having a six hour block of time is rare. Yes. Having dinner, going for a swlm etc is usually much shorter bursts of time away. A whole block of time of almost a day every week is really beneficial and yes rare.

Pasithean · 08/02/2025 09:02

Mine was in ophthalmology . He has now retired completely. Be careful what you wish for. 24/ 7 is overrated.

Nannyfannybanny · 08/02/2025 09:04

Gasgirl25, I agree with you. I was nursing,trained 1972. Even the drs in the hospitals were awful. One surgeon (brilliant surgeon) threw instruments across the theatre, complete arsehole as a human being. By the 1990s they had become much more pleasant. If the patients were awake, they would be VERY surprised at some of the conversations and jokes.

PoorLion · 08/02/2025 09:09

I can’t get past the 10-4pm a day at weekends, I don’t know anyone - except separated parents that do that. On a weekend we all do activities, dc dies a club or two. I sometimes get hair done or meet friends, or do long dog walk leaving DH with DC, DH does stuff like sports. We do stuff as family too.

TemporaryPosition · 08/02/2025 09:10

tigerlily9 · 07/02/2025 22:16

I’m friends with some and one said it’s because they cut into people. They need to be really confident that they are right to do something so serious

I would tend to agree with this. I would want my surgeon to be laser focused on their role and not have to use bandwidth for other things. Particularly if they were operating on someone I loved. I know that's not a PC response. And it makes life difficult. But this should have been discussed pre kids. And understood. And then help hired if you're both earning good wages or work less so you have better balance.

Daisymae23 · 08/02/2025 09:16

Husband is not a surgeon but is a high earner. His job cannot be worked part time. I was a high earner prior to children. When it was time for me to go back to work we looked over our options - my work denied flexible working request and his would not be able to be worked part time

  • I go back to work full time. We contribute equally to fund the extra help we would need, cleaner, nanny ect
  • I become a sahm - finances are reduced and we make cuts accordingly. As a sahm I am responsible for the majority of house and admin and child care in the week.

Working full time with a child just in nursery was NOT an option. I knew it would be me working all day and then doing the majority of the childcare and hose work so the option was off the table. Either my husband and i committed a good portion of our salaries to putting the right help structure around us or it was a no go.

we actually chose option 2 and whilst i don’t regret my decision I do acknowledge it was hard to give up my old life. It is such a tough decision. I actually now work part time in a job that is flexible around school pick up and allows for some time off.

I think you need to go back to your husband and go over your options again. I am assuming that surgeons make a good salary so if you want to continue to work full time - look into after school help, au pair, house keeper. If his job means he can’t physically be there to help, he needs to commit some of his salary to support you.

pimplebum · 08/02/2025 09:17

My DH and I are in same job but their job has always taken president and this has caused some resentment but it’s because I took step back career wise during the baby years and I was the one to take all the days off for sickness and i did appointments and all school admin costumes dress up days etc
DH still kept his housework hours up

your DH will be earning a shit load of money plus the kudos of having a surgeon DH I personally could play dutiful surgeon wife a bit but totally understand you want to be acknowledged and respected

surgeon have a bad rep for the god complex and he needs to keep that in check

I would get a fab cleaner so you are just left with admin

Strictlymad · 08/02/2025 09:17

what happens on the second weekend day?

TanginaBarrons · 08/02/2025 09:18

I can't get past the 10-4 off on a Sunday with one kid 😯

Yousay55 · 08/02/2025 09:22

My dh is not a surgeon but was barely around to help when my dc were young. I would have loved a whole day off at the weekend!
I imagine he earns a good wage & I wonder if you need to work full time? Can you get a nanny & cleaner?

Runoutofmilk · 08/02/2025 09:23

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Oodlesandoodlesofnoodles · 08/02/2025 09:24

Strictlymad · 08/02/2025 08:55

It’s more than lots of us get… I’d settle for 2 hours

It’s not a race to the bottom, though? A lot of people are struggling with anxiety and depression, unhealthy because they never get time to exercise and a lot of marriages are falling apart. The fact that she gets more of a break than someone who has an even shitter time doesn’t mean it’s an ideal situation?

Scottishgirl85 · 08/02/2025 09:24

6 hours a week to yourself is absolute luxury. We have 3 kids, oldest nearly 10. And I honestly can't remember the last time I had more than an hour or 2 to myself, and that's with a toddler still in the house, but sleeping, so I'm still "on-call". But my husband is utterly wonderful and everything is 50:50 (we're both high earners in high pressure jobs, so roles are "even"). Weekend is family time so we don't get time away from kids, hence why I'm saying your 6 hours is luxury.
BUT it's not on that you're doing everything. When does your DH get home in evenings? The rules should be that when people are home, it's 50:50, and that every effort is made to leave work on time. Of course he can do it, he's choosing not to. What would he do if you suddenly became very ill or died, he'd have to change his priorities. So he can start now.

Parker231 · 08/02/2025 09:27

Liveandletlive18 · 08/02/2025 00:35

I imagine your feeling the stress of the job your DH does as do I (not the same profession) Whether you like it or not this is what you signed up for. Your DH has the lives of families in his hands. The very least you can do is support him. If you find it too much to cope with then with the best will in the world you shouldn't have become involved with a man in this profession

Edited

He has become a parent - your job doesn’t give you an opt out of parenting. If he can’t jointly parent his DD, he shouldn’t have become a parent. (DH is a doctor - and yes he jointly parented - he put DC’s before any downtime for himself).

ValentineValentineV · 08/02/2025 09:29

OP do you use the six hours to blitz the house, do a tonne a laundry etc or are you off off, or a combination?

wannabewitch · 08/02/2025 09:29

OP - I think you are being given a hard time in some aspects and not in others.

No one, surgeons included spend all ay 0600 - 2100 in the hospital all day everyday. I frequently have watched my male colleagues swap into on calls as they could get some sleep (!) and sit at work watching Netflix etc rather than go home early or on time. Ps everyone has a half day for admin rostered nowadays!
i also have seen colleagues junior and senior ,who absolutely take their DCS to school once per week, pick up once per week minimum, take paternity leave, take shared parental leave and ensure boundaries in their working life.
I am reading here behaviours of people from in the main a bygone era - yes there are some arrogant arseholes around but there is also an extremely high amount of neurodiversity in the surgical/anaesthetic population. there takes a certain amount of single minded focus to stand and focus down a microscope for 12 hrs trying to cut out a cancer and not damage the person too much. Small deviations from the pathway to a successful operation can cause major distress - if you start thinking of surgeons as humans and understand neurodiverse behaviours some would find ways to interact much easier - there will always be some arseholes aswell.

OP - you need to sit down and discuss roles and expectations. If he is still a registrar then the roles will need to be fluid if he changes to the next part of the rotation. He is not just a weekend Dad but committing to getting home on clinic days by x time to do bath time/ tea etc are not impossible but need a mindset re think.

And before anyone is rude to me - I am a surgeon and became a single parent

jeaux90 · 08/02/2025 09:30

This is all about context.

I'm a lone parent, work long hours a week in a heavy career, I get no time off at the weekends and DD now 15 has had to part time board at private school since the live in nanny went in year7.

If you aren't happy with the set up do something about it OP. Assuming you work, outsource more!

BTW not saying your DH is right just many of us work under constraints and sometimes you need to throw money at the issue if you can.