Why doesn’t everyone sleep train?

[Goldstar88]

I know there’s always debate about the pros and cons of sleep training. I personally haven’t with my 13 month old (and they do still wake 1-2 times but sometimes sleep through). I often have friends telling me I just need to sleep train. My DC self settles, even in the night after a feed, so I have never thought it that necessary, albeit I’d like to have a reliable solid night’s sleep (wouldn’t everyone!).

I’m genuinely intrigued as to why if sleep training is the silver bullet it is touted to be by sleep experts and lots of parents, why doesn’t everyone do it? Surely it would be taught by every midwife etc and no one would ever face sleep deprivation after the newborn stage?

Am I, and lots of other parents, just being naive and missing out, making it hard for ourselves?

To be clear, I really don’t like the idea of leaving my DC to cry and I’m holding on to the hope they will eventually just sleep through as they get older…!

Because every baby is different and every parent is different.

I have never needed to sleep train at night but then I was lucky to have a child that slept through from a month old.

Who am I to judge Sally down the road that decides after a year of no sleep which has caused her depression and every 40 min wake ups in the night for needing / wanting to sleep train her baby?

Our son never napped during the day and he was so unbelievably overtired I remember crying to the HV for advice. We would put him in his cot at age appropriate wake windows and leave him for 2 min intervals after comforting him. Although some would say that’s cruel to leave him to cry for 2 mins at a time, after day 5 we had no issues with naps. 2 mins to me felt nothing, as he cried for much longer in the car seat etc

Sleep training doesn’t work for every parent and some don’t want to do it. Some babies will just smack their heads on their cots, vomit or cough if left crying.

Never would do it, ever. Think it’s so cruel

A lot of people I know who sleep trained at a young age led to stressful older sleepers with anxiety and nightmares . I don’t know if there is a genuine link or if that’s just been the unfortunate luck of a few people I have spoken to.

We had to "sleep train" our eldest. No, I had to. She couldn't self-settle at all at 10 months and I was on my knees with exhaustion. Gradual withdrawal in a very gentle approach worked better than I'd dreamt it could, and after 3 nights she was sleeping much better, sometimes sleeping through. Basically if they can't self-settle then they wake themselves up regardless of whether they needed to wake for a problem, or not.

Her brother self-settled from the start, worried me in fact the first time he "slept through" because I thought it was too long for how little he still was. We didn't need to do anything active about how he slept.

We still had varying degrees of night wakings from one or the other for years, but they could be quickly dealt with, or if not it was because someone was actually ill and you expect to be up more then.

To those of you with dreadful sleepers, good luck finding a path that works for your and your child and gets you both enough sleep and hope for improvement over time.

Sleep training just does not work for a significant proportion of babies. I did try, but it was so clear that it just wasn't going to take.

I've known people who have gone to mother - baby units. Even after weeks of work with professionals, they only had very small changes - enough to make life a little more liveable, but certainly no magic bullet!

@Whotenanny Baby sleep improves anyway without sleep training, just at a slower rate. Children aren't waking through the night at primary school if they aren't sleep trained!

I guess ultimately it comes down to how selfish you are. Personally I put my baby's needs first, and she benefits much more from feeding back to sleep (though she barely wakes me as we co sleep) than she would from me leaving her to cry in a dark room thinking she'd been abandoned. I wouldn't do that in the daytime, so I wouldn't do it at night.

Sleep training was amazing for both of mine. Worked within 3 days and they've been great sleepers since sleeping 7-7.
We did it from 8months.

All the "teaches them that you won't come when they need you " is BS . I can tell you that when they then did cry, we went to them straight away, and now they're older 5 & 6 - they will come out of their rooms to see us if there's a problem.

Because fundamentally it contravenes my values and my understanding of child development and psychology.

I think it’s regimented and not child centred, focussing on adult need/preferences
Treating a baby like it’s a something to be trained,controlled for adult comfort

A friend of mine said this. She could 'never leave her child crying'. So instead her child then proceeded to cry for hours through the evening, in her arms, exhausted and desperately overtired and crying because they wanted to sleep. And then cried again every 2 hours through the night. And then cried lots in the day and was generally quite an unhappy baby as just seemed so tired, all the time.

Mine fussed for a few mins (literally 3 mins) before falling asleep. Was a happy smiley delight all day. The only exception was when for whatever reason they didn't sleep well (loud noise or whatever) when we really observed the impact of poor sleep as the next day they would be so so unhappy and much harder to manage.

Which method involved less crying??

Sleep is unbelievably important. A very brief period of fussing at bedtime (minutes!!) is absolutely worth it for the beneficial impact of good sleep.

My parents "sleep trained" me , ie left me to cry it out / fall asleep myself, and I've had trouble falling asleep for my whole adult life. So I've never been convinced that "sleep training" is conducive to a lifetime of good sleep.

Never wanted or needed to, I broke all the sleep 'rules' and should apparently have nightmare sleepers because of this. We co-slept from day one (including in the hospital), fed to sleep and contact napped. Funnily enough they slept through from about 6 months, go to bed without any fuss (now 11 & 4) and we have never had a 'bad night' where they've been up and down. They both moved into their own rooms at 4 just before starting school and though I stayed with them until they fell asleep (about 20 minutes) at first they were both happy to have kisses and cuddles and be left to self settle within a few weeks.

1 AuDHD, one ADHD (undiagnosed but it's blindingly obvious)

ETA: could have moved them out of my bed sooner but I enjoyed having them in with me! Me and OH have slept separately for years as he's a snorer and I like to starfish

I didn't sleep train, I co-slept with mine and it was lovely and I wasn't sleep deprived because we were actually sleeping! All of mine went into their own beds with no problems at around 18 months, youngest was 3 but he was the last one so I wanted to keep him as long as I could!

This is what is so frustrating about sleep training threads.

Sleep training is an umbrella term for many, many methods. Many parents sleep train without leaving their baby to cry alone in a dark room.

Sleep is also a need for babies, it's essential for their development.

We never sleep trained at night but had to sleep train during the daytime for his naps.

At night he was fine, day time he stopped napping at 4 months old.

Cried all day every day for about 10 hours, overtired, nothing I did could get him to sleep.

One of the darkest times of my motherhood journey.

One day my HV suggested leaving him for 2 min intervals in his cot for nap times. We followed wake windows and after 5 days he napped perfectly fine.

My son was the happiest little boy after that, and I was a much better mum for it. Really annoying when people tarnish all sleep training with the same brush or say “it’s not fair to let them cry” yet NOT sleep training was watching my son cry hours on end.

It's unnatural, leaving a child distressed is emotional neglect, it doesn't support a healthy attachment and is believed to cause anxiety, it can make it more difficult for children to self sooth and regulate their emotions.
I didn't sleep train, my 2 older children were sleeping through the night alone well before the age of 1, I think it was at around 6/7 months. The youngest does still have some struggles getting off to sleep some nights but he is autistic.

From the day they were born, my MIL put them in their own room at night, closed the door, and didn’t go back until the morning. Obviously that’s extreme but hearing my dh and his siblings talk about it put me right off the idea of ever trying to sleep train one of mine. I’ve had naturally good sleepers and others that were very poor sleepers but they all slept eventually without any experiences that would traumatize either of us.

It’s almost as if children are their own individual people with their own different natures and temperaments and so what suits your children doesn’t suit for others…

rather than you being some kind of superior parent than your friend….

I’ve known parents who were depressed and unable to cope with sleep deprivation that ended up sleep training because they were not able to be the best parents they could be for their non sleeping child. I will never judge anyone who is that low and depressed to sleep train their child.

Doing what you feel is right for yourself and baby is not selfish.

They would be the first to say “so sad RIP” to their friends who take their life due to PND and lack of sleep.

Works for some but not others
My sister sleep trained her two girls but my experience trying was completely different, mine would become very distressed and still now at 9 and 14 they struggle to fall asleep. My sisters girls didn't really cry themselves to sleep they kind of just laid there and eventually fell asleep but didn't become distressed.
All children are different and what works for one doesn't for others

Because it’s cruel to leave them to cry 😢 We’re still co-sleeping at almost 3 and a half and we still breastfeed morning and night too 💕

Never sleep trained. Many reasons, had a brother that died from SIDS in a Moses basket in my parents room, that changed everything about all babies in our immediate family, and not how most people would assume. More of a life is so precious and the time with these babies is so short so keep them close. Sleep seems to be partly genetic, my dad, my brother, sister and myself are awful sleepers, my mother and youngest brother will sleep through anything and the second they are in bed they are gone. My DS coslept safely with me, never felt exhausted. He has a similar sleeping pattern to me.

I sleep trained. Never left them to cry.

There's more than one way to sleep train.

As someone currently training to be a therapist I am learning so much about how very early childhood trauma (and sadly I think it is somewhat traumatic) can affect us negatively down the line, so personally it wasn't something I chose to do with my little one and around 18 months sleeping through magically just happened.

That being said, it's a balancing act - I was in a priviledged position where I didn't need to work, drive long hours etc. whereas if I had to perform at work to put food on the table, or was in danger of crashing my car from sleep deprivation, or needed to protect my mental health then I 100% would have sleep trained because the outcomes of all of those risks would have been highly more traumatic than sleep training. So no judgement here, but it wasn't for me in my situation x

I never ever left mine to cry but I did manage to sleep train both DDs at around 12 weeks. I did a late feed at 10-11pm and they'd sleep through until 6am. There were sleep regressions at around 16w and they would wake in the night when teething or ill, but on the whole both slept really well. It may have been luck with chilled sleepy babies but we were very consistent with soothing them back to sleep in their moses basket as soon as they woke up (usually because they lost a dummy).