Why doesn’t everyone sleep train?

[Goldstar88]

I know there’s always debate about the pros and cons of sleep training. I personally haven’t with my 13 month old (and they do still wake 1-2 times but sometimes sleep through). I often have friends telling me I just need to sleep train. My DC self settles, even in the night after a feed, so I have never thought it that necessary, albeit I’d like to have a reliable solid night’s sleep (wouldn’t everyone!).

I’m genuinely intrigued as to why if sleep training is the silver bullet it is touted to be by sleep experts and lots of parents, why doesn’t everyone do it? Surely it would be taught by every midwife etc and no one would ever face sleep deprivation after the newborn stage?

Am I, and lots of other parents, just being naive and missing out, making it hard for ourselves?

To be clear, I really don’t like the idea of leaving my DC to cry and I’m holding on to the hope they will eventually just sleep through as they get older…!

As a mother your guy instinct is too reapond to youe crying child. Natural motherly instincts but some men in the 1959s said Nah thats not ok to have those natural inatincta your need to teach your BABY to sleep by themselves and self settle.

There is nothing wrong with teaching babies and young children good sleep habits. It doesn't have to be "barbaric" How is a baby or young child going to thrive and grow iff they wake up every couple hours through thr night? When they no longer wake to feed of course.

Because it's cruel and harmful

We used the Ferber method after speaking to a sleep consultant when DD was 11 months old. I was back at work full time as was DH and she just wasn’t sleeping… at all. Not on me, not with me there, not in our bed, not in her bed. If she did drift off it was for an hour max. She was an emotional wreck, always unhappy and something had to be done. Plus we weren’t functioning and everyone was unhappy.

We did Ferber and she was sleeping 7-6 in her own cot within 3 days and was a much happier baby for it. Different strokes for different folks.

I figured that my child needed something when she woke (she was never one to wake without a reason), and that I wanted to be there for her. We always had (and still havw, at 5) a good sleep routine. She is also way too stubborn for anything like that, and I never had the heart to!

Each to their own on this one- I can understand why those who don't get any sleep do it. I have had friends who have been through that torture and some were helped by various sleep training methods which meant that the whole family was happier and healthier.

EtA: even though I didn't do it at all, it is worth pointing out that sleep training isn't just Cry it Out. There are plenty of other methods that don't involve this.

I try really hard not to judge sleep training. Some of the best mums I know have done it. But I can't get my head around the idea of leaving a baby to cry, regardless of how tired you are or much you'd like unbroken sleep.

They don't understand why you're not coming and it just feels wrong to leave a baby scared and alone when they want comfort.

What do you think other cultures do in the world? Your comment is so ignorant and narrow minded.
Children are fine and qell adjusted and have great bonds with their parents.
I coslept with my DS1 snd at 2 he was ready foe his own bed. He was sleeping through the night at 2.5years old and puts himself to sleep happily now. No torture required.

I never sleep trained my kids and they are now great sleepers, 2 year old sleeping through the night. We sit with her as she falls asleep, which is actually a nice relaxing time for a parent too.
I really do not understand sleep training. I had tried it with my first, add everyone does it, so it must be ok. But I ran in after 20 seconds of crying, and said never again. This was meant to be gentle! Whatever way they package gentle sleep training, it's not always gentle. There's always crying involved.
All friends that have sleep trained always get a regression too, and then have to sleep train again 😬

We sleep trained our first two at 10 and 8 months respectively. It was absolutely the best thing we could have ever done. We used the Ferber method, which isn't quite CIO but not too far off.

I say 'we', but DH didn't have the heart for it. He got me to do it instead 😆 Every night I documented timings, thoughts and external factors like room temperature. This allowed us to see improvement straight away. Nap times were the hardest as you all go through a lot of stress for such a short (45m) sleep. It almost doesn't seem worth it.

Sure, it was a stressful couple of days but by day 4 all of us were happier - and most importantly, our babies.

They're primary school age now and are excellent sleepers. I often have to wake them in the morning 😆

It goes against instinct and is a new fad.

Learning to self settle is a skill that babies need to learn.

Some do this really well whilst others need help.

DS1 wasn't a good sleeper but I didn't realise they needed to be taught to settle themselves. It took 5 nights of just verbally saying goodnight rather than picking him up and he then slept through the night.

DS2 was an intensive care baby so was a good sleeper due to constant checks and beeping machines.

DD1 didn't sleep through until 3.5 years and sleep training didn't work as she just refused to sleep. She slept on a mattress on my bedroom floor!

Sleep isn't a skill you learn, it's a biological necessity. You can't teach a child to sleep, you can create a calm, safe environment conducive to sleep and it will happen naturally. Leaving a child to cry doesn't teach them to sleep, it just teaches them not to cry because they will be ignored. That's not a lesson I wanted mine to learn.

You often hear people saying sleep training worked and their babies slept through afterwards. I always wonder how they know. Presumably they are sleeping too so how do they know their child isn't lying awake having been trained not to cry?

Sleep training puts the needs of the parents before the needs of the child.

Google long term effects if lack of sleep in adults.
Ime they are real negative effects.
I sleep trained via Dr instructions.. Never left dc to cry...

We sleep trained. It was horrible at the start but eventually worked. But for what though, because he is now 3 & climbs into my bed every night and he is much worse than he ever was. We have no idea when he comes so can’t stop him! I probably wouldn’t put myself or next child through sleep training again as in my experience we slowly broke out of that routine.

Best thing I did.

Not everyone is going to do something even if it is recommended.

With sleep training, I feel like there's a lot of misunderstanding such as it only means leaving your child to cry which isn't true, that's just one of the many, many methods out there.

I think it's important to teach children how to sleep, it's essential for their development and good for the parents mental health because they matter too.

It was around over 30 years ago. Definitely not a new fad.

I didn't sleep train as it was more important to me to let my babies know I was there for them always and I felt it was cruel to let them cry. That's how they communicate and I wanted to be responsive to their needs.

I've noticed that among the friends who sleep train it very much depends on the temperament of the baby/child and then goes out of the window once they can get out of their cot/bed themselves anyway.

I tried it with my 3rd when I was at the end of my tether but he screamed until he made himself sick and I was beside myself. Have never had babies that self settle. They are fine now, teenagers, have to wake them up

This is nothing to do with Sleep training. Most kids sleep well by age 5 regardless. It's developmental. My child will also sleep in and I did not do sleep training. She was sleeping through herself by 2.

Because it broke my heart.

Because it's just not always necessary.

I was pretty lucky, after 12 weeks both of mine slept well, mostly sleeping through 3-4 hours at a time and with one or no wake ups 10-6 at 6+ months. But outside of the 'lucky' I would say only about 10% of parents I know experienced sleep that you'd call problematic beyond 6 months. Despite all the 'hahaha, you'll never sleep again' I think even if they don't sleep through, most babies do sleep an amount that is possible to cope with by 6 months. DS woke up once a night until at 6-10 months and that was perfectly manageable. They might wake early past 6 months months, but most babies past that stage won't be keeping you up all night.

Sleep training isn't always cry it out though.
We sort of sleep trained, but only in the sense we put her down still awake (pj's, clean, comfy, stories etc) and said goodnight.
Sometimes she'd send herself to sleep, others she'd be more restless and upset. We never left her crying, and I think in part that sleep trained her cause she knew if she was upset, we were there.
Entirely depends on age, nature of child and parents ability to cope. It's not a one size fits all.

We've (just last week) finished sleep training. We resisted it for so long. We tried everything else, including co-sleeping which I did for months and months, but our DD turned 2 in January and I realised that for two years, I have not had a single uninterrupted night's sleep and things needed to change. So we spoke to her nursery and we bought a sunrise alarm clock and we did it.
It was as awful as I thought it would be and for four nights it was really, really hard and I felt dreadful listening to her cry in the 5-10-15 minutes intervals I left her for. I was always outside her door, I would wait and repeat that she was safe but it was sleepy time, close her eyes, cuddle BoBo bunny, etc. and the first couple of nights I did end up stepping in for a cuddle and going back at 1am, 3am, 4am, 6am ... it was a gentler version of extinction methods I guess. Gradually with a mix of positive reinforcement and sticking to the script, she got there.

But now we're on day 16 and for the last five nights she has slept from 7pm - 7am with no wake ups at all.
We didn't sleep train because I couldn't bear to hear her cry, but now she is old enough for me to explain, to re-enforce, and to lean into her desire for more independence and bask in the praise she earns through effort and success, I felt able to push through with it.

Sending love and luck to you in this phase! 💕

Mine vomitted too, so that was the end of that!