Why doesn’t everyone sleep train?

[Goldstar88]

I know there’s always debate about the pros and cons of sleep training. I personally haven’t with my 13 month old (and they do still wake 1-2 times but sometimes sleep through). I often have friends telling me I just need to sleep train. My DC self settles, even in the night after a feed, so I have never thought it that necessary, albeit I’d like to have a reliable solid night’s sleep (wouldn’t everyone!).

I’m genuinely intrigued as to why if sleep training is the silver bullet it is touted to be by sleep experts and lots of parents, why doesn’t everyone do it? Surely it would be taught by every midwife etc and no one would ever face sleep deprivation after the newborn stage?

Am I, and lots of other parents, just being naive and missing out, making it hard for ourselves?

To be clear, I really don’t like the idea of leaving my DC to cry and I’m holding on to the hope they will eventually just sleep through as they get older…!

But not all sleep training involves leaving a baby to cry by themselves?

Anecdotally (so this might be bollocks) I think what the baby books tell you will happen is often true for boys and not girls!

I haven't followed an official method of sleep training as I feel that breast feeding to sleep feels natural and it seems a shame to waste a tool we have been given. I'm also not religious with routine. However, I have let my babies cry when I know they are tired, their bellies are full and their nappies are not soiled. As with most things in life I think there is a middle ground between completely co-sleeping and feeding them for comfort whenever they cry and letting them scream themselves sick until they are blue in the face.

We tried to sleep train and it didn't work.

My boys were terrible sleepers. Never had the heart to let them cry it out. I wouldn't let an adult cry themselves to sleep, so why would I do it to a helpless baby?!!

I agree with this. It isn’t teaching them to self soothe, it’s teaching them to detach because no one is coming when they need someone. Their needs arnt being met. I never sleep trained any of mine and never would. Babies need their mums and will eventually learn to settle when they are ready. Their is much gentler approach’s that can be taken also

God that's horrendous 😪😣

I wasn't at all interested in sleep training. I was interested in what my daughter wanted and needed at any given point. She cycled in and out of sleeping 'well' for a few years but after the age of 4 she liked bedtime, slept deeply and was cheery in the morning. I think having pleasant associations with sleep is good.

Their is much gentler approach’s that can be taken also

Aka 'sleep training'

I had the exact same question!

I spent ages wondering if we were doing it wrong ... and trying over and over ... and trying bloody everything ... and then I realised that sleep training only works if you have a baby who is already amenable to it.

I am sure it is a godsend for parents who are struggling with a lack of sleep and who suddenly find their baby falls in line.

But does it do the trick with an actual sleep refuser? No. Sadly, there are just some babies who need less sleep, or who wake a lot.

DD was a delightful and wonderful baby (thank god, because otherwise ...). But she was terrible. We did everything. I remember crying at nursery, because she wouldn't go down until 12 or 1, woke on the hour every hour, and was ready for the day around 6am. She'd grown out of naps at that point, and I was dying.

She is now rising 8 and she is still perfectly happy and cheerful on about 5 hours sleep. She does sleep, now, or at least she accepts she needs to sit quietly in her room. But she simply does not need a great deal of sleep. It's brutal.

I question whether "sleep training" is even possible. Regular waking is developmentally normal for babies. You can't train a baby to sleep, you just train a baby to know that their primary carer is not going to come to them when they cry, need comfort, are scared etc Crying is the only way babies can communicate.

Sleep training can mean different things to different people though. I wouldn't say I sleep trained my kids however I did definitely use some methods etc to try and improve their sleep/nudge them into gradually going to bed awake and so on. How much what I did helped vs time and their temperaments, I have no idea of course.

DC2 started sleeping through reliably around 16 months btw so hopefully not too much longer for you! We moved them to their own room about two months after that without any issues.

Because child experts (developmental experts) say the stress has long term affects on brain development and how pathways and connections are made. Your screwing up your childs future wellbeing for a few months of sleep.

Sleep experts are crooks who want to make a quick buck of struggling parents.

In my culture and most non western cultures. Sleep training doesn't exist never heard of it. Baby stays close to Mum as along as they need her. Baby wearing is the norm and cosleeping until toddler is ready to move to their own bed 3 or 5 years old. Normal. It was the case in the UK until some blokes - yes men! in the mid 1950s said no that's not good any more. And we wonder why so many people have issues later on in life. Maybe all appears ok to start with but many issues stem from abondment even at that nearly age when the brain is growing the fastest. There is science but peoppe would prefer to pretend it is not there because a lady called Carly or Sarah who are "sleep experts" say you need good sleep hygiene. I told my midwife this and she LOL and said what a load of Bol;&ks. Even IBCLC say this is a load of crap and not good for the child at all.

We did it with our younger two. It worked amazingly. We didn’t let them cry it out. We did similar to what we’d seen on Supernanny (I think).

Basically, bathed them, bottle, snuggled them and talked to them while snuggling. Then we put them in their cot. If they cried, we let them cry for a minute, then went in and patted them and talked quietly that we were here but then went back out once settled. I think eventually we left it for 30 seconds longer each time and stopped the talking. It took two nights with each of them before they just dozed off themselves (with a musical nightlight). I know we were possibly lucky.

Everybody and every baby is different though, which is why not everyone does it.

Sometimes I think sleep training means different things to different people. At 4 months mine would only cosleep and contact nap so I started off with the first nap of the day in his crib. He cried immediately so I went to him after 10 seconds, settled him and put back down for 20seconds. Repeated adding 10s each time until I got to one minute and went to him every minute until he fell asleep. After 2 days of this he started settling quicker each time and eventually just went down awake each day and went off to sleep quite happily. I then just added more of his naps in the crib and eventually tried him at night...he still woke for feeds but would go right back down.
To me that was a form of sleep training as it taught him how to self soothe. If he cries in the night now I know something is up and go to him immediately so I don't think he's traumatised in any way. He loves going to bed!

Agree some babies qre happy being left to it but nost are bot and need their parents. That is the norm from a biological sense and a survival perceptive.

Well it's all a matter of degrees isn't it? Some babies wake once or twice in the night and settle back down to sleep quite quickly, some babies wake every hour and fuss all night.

Some parents can get back to sleep very quickly after being woken, some can't and lie awake fretting about the next wake-up.

Some parents have to be up at 6am on a Monday and face a 60 hours working week ahead of them, some parents can get up whenever they like and not need to be present for a paid job at all.

It's pretty fucking obvious when you think about it.

I didn't do it becsue I was happy to comfort my babies. I was also happy to comfort my toddlers. One of mine still needed me as a primary aged child and I was happy to comfort them too.

I don't think it's ideal for them emotionally. I understand for some families it is probably the best option but I remember hating being alone at night in my room as a kid and didn't want my child to feel like that.

I do what works for my kids. My 13m old gets put down for a nap in his bed daily around 11am and if he is unsettled after 10 minutes I go and get him but I do let him try to settle for 10 mins first. Same for bedtime. He’s nearly always asleep within 5 minutes but if he can’t settle we don’t just leave him to cry it out because that causes me immense stress and I want him to know we come when he cries. He isn’t in his bed any other time than those sleep times. He’s also fantastic at sleeping in the car seat or buggy when we are out and about. So some would argue that I sleep train as I leave my child to sort it out for those 10 minutes. My eldest coslept till age 2 and now goes to sleep independently at age 5. Just different personalities.

I haven’t sleep trained my DC. He just gets too upset and i’m unwilling to leave him like that. I knew he’d sleep through when he was ready and he now is. As adults we often wake through the night for a drink or to use the bathroom, or sometimes for no reason at. I felt like I couldn’t expect DC to sleep through when neither myself nor my husband do a full night without waking.

I completely get it for some though and don’t judge those who do. We’re all just doing our best whatever way we can. I can’t imagine how rough some parents have it, so completely understand being willing to try everything. It definitely seems to work really well for some.

There was no point in even contemplating it for me. My dd went from zero to about ten thousand in the space of less than a minute when it came to crying. Some of them are just like that. If they’re not and they calm down and settle quite quickly and easily, then it’s a whole different story.

Horrible 😞

This is horrendous

I was happy to comfort my babies too but I still sleep trained. DC1 slept through 11pm to 7am from 7 weeks and DC2 from 11 weeks old. I think it helps if you have big babies (both mine were 4kg+) which means they could go longer between feeds.