Why doesn’t everyone sleep train?

[Goldstar88]

I know there’s always debate about the pros and cons of sleep training. I personally haven’t with my 13 month old (and they do still wake 1-2 times but sometimes sleep through). I often have friends telling me I just need to sleep train. My DC self settles, even in the night after a feed, so I have never thought it that necessary, albeit I’d like to have a reliable solid night’s sleep (wouldn’t everyone!).

I’m genuinely intrigued as to why if sleep training is the silver bullet it is touted to be by sleep experts and lots of parents, why doesn’t everyone do it? Surely it would be taught by every midwife etc and no one would ever face sleep deprivation after the newborn stage?

Am I, and lots of other parents, just being naive and missing out, making it hard for ourselves?

To be clear, I really don’t like the idea of leaving my DC to cry and I’m holding on to the hope they will eventually just sleep through as they get older…!

Tried with mine - she just didn’t do it 😆

People aren’t programmable! If it worked for everyone, everyone would do it!

They don't teach it because funnily enough every single baby is different. So sleep is different with every baby. My eldest needed sleep training at 14 months old because she fought sleep and didn't know how to self soothe. She is 9 now and still hates sleep but does eventually go to sleep and sleep until 7am which is nice. My second - well he from day dot understood sleep, didn't need any training and still goes to bed every night and is usually asleep within 10 minutes with no fuss at all. Each kid different.

Because babies are humans and you wouldn't do that to any adult who is in distress, and you wouldn't let them cry like that in the day when out and about, so why would doing it at night when they need more support not be completely distressing.

There is lots of robust evidence on atachment trauma and disfunctional attachment styles

Because babies are humans and you wouldn't do that to any adult who is in distress, and you wouldn't let them cry like that in the day when out and about, so why would doing it at night when they need more support not be completely distressing.

There is lots of robust evidence on atachment trauma and disfunctional attachment styles

I could talk about sleep training for ages as I'm about to go through it again!

It can put everyone's needs first. My kids (especially my first) were miserable 24hrs a day of due to constantly interrupted sleep. I made a sleep diary, and on several occasions she woke up 8 times between 8pm and midnight. EIGHT.

After sleep training she was so much happier, sleeping through from 8pm-8am. If she was upset then we'd know something was wrong.

I'm going to be sleep training my 7mo son in the coming weeks. He wakes up every 20-45 minutes through the night, and has done since 22nd December. I go back to work in 5 weeks to a very brain usage-heavy complex job (software engineer). I am so sleep deprived that I bought a new and interesting flavour of crisps at the shop on the way back from the school run. They were cheese & onion. My brain didn't register that these crisps have been around for decades.

Tried it once, was defeated by my six month old. Looking back, I'm glad.

I think babies should not be left to cry until they are old and secure enough to realise that you are always around and will be returning.

Not all sleep training involves letting a baby cry in distress.

I sleep trained all of mine. No crying in distress.

There's a gazillion different ways to sleep train.

Because you can't sleep train every baby. I agree with the posters who say it's down to temperament. There is no way we could sleep train DD she was a very high needs baby and would cry with tears from almost day one if not cuddled. I finally learn what other mums meant when they said sometimes their baby was just grisly when tired and if you left them they fell asleep, when I had DS as he was a way more chilled baby. So I could put him down he'd grisl a bit then fall asleep. No real crying from him unless he was unwell.

I was advised by the pediatrician to not sleep train as it can cause anxiety in babies and separation anxiety. Babies need different amounts of sleep and will regulate eventually. I wouldn't have been able to do it anyway. It would break my heart to leave my DC to cry it out.

Sleep training is not the same as leaving to cry

I think MOST people don't because the overarching opinion of most people you go to for advice is that it's not good for a baby to cry. I also think when you sleep train too late you can cause a lot more distress to little ones because they have gotten into night time habits and rituals that are very hard to break, so it becomes a longer distressing process that feels cruel.

I sleep trained my 2 sons, both at around 6m. (When they no longer had night feeds) It was a very simple and straightforward process and they both sleep very well, in their own rooms and I don't need to stay with them while they fall asleep. It was a training tool that was very effective for our family. They are now 6 and 9.

First child was a thumb sucker, second was given a dummy. They'd grizzle on and off during the night and then self soothe, once we were confident that this would happen, we'd ignore them until it was time for a feed. Oh and because this was 40+ years ago, they slept in their own rooms but I accept this is now frowned upon.

I never sleep trained mine and my son was a terrible sleeper but we powered through and now he’s a brilliant sleeper. I could never have sleep trained, no matter how ‘gentle’, it just wasn’t right for us. I want my children to know that if they call or cry out then I will be there for them.

I can recall crying alone when I was little and I do struggle with emotional things now - I do think there is a link.

we used a dummy just for sleeping so never needed to sleep train. No crying at night at all. Quite a bit of chatting though.

establishing a daily routine is all part of sleep training, meals, naps, tea time etc
Establishing a bedtime routine is sleep training
reading a story in bed is part. Of sleep training
getting baby to the stage. I’d self settling is part. Of sleep train

now if you’re not doing any of those things- you’re not sleep training but if you are then you’re definitely doing some parts of sleep training

As others have said it really depends on temperament. When my daughter was upset she would go completely over the edge crying hysterically and there’s no way I could leave her in that state. Around 8 months I just gave up on the cot and started cosleeping. Still doing it at almost 2 and she loves her middle of the night cuddles.

Eventually we’ll have to move her into her own room so I guess we’ll have to do some sort of sleep training but now that she’s older and understands more I’ll feel more comfortable with it.

Hugs to anyone struggling with sleep deprivation, it’s brutal.

Both of my ds were high needs, strong willed babies. I highly doubt sleep training would work with most high needs babies. I know mine would have not stopped wailing if I ever attempted it.

Ds2 (11mo) still wakes up 2-3 times a night for a bottle. Ds1 used to be the same at his age but although lean, they’re both very tall and broad for their age. If they’re hungry during the night I’m not going to deprive them of milk.

If it’s any comfort ds1 is now 3 and in bed for 6:30pm and sleeps 13 hours solid. It does pass!

All babies are different - I did some sleep training because I was cracking up as my little boy was waking hourly through the night for months and not napping ever - when he was 8 months I couldn’t go on like that anymore. I have a toddler to deal with too who often wakes in the night

within 2 nights he was only waking up twice at night and naps fell into place shortly after.

we all get lots of sleep now and everyone is happier. So think what you want or judge all you want about whether it’s cruel or not. I’ve got zero regrets

I don’t go around shouting about it though or suggesting it to anyone

Sleep training doesn't always work. Ds1 responded very well to gentle sleep training but with ds2 it just didn't work. The only thing that did work for him was letting him sleep in my bed until he was ready to stay in his own bed all night, which was when he was around 4/5. Even now he's nearly 7 he came into my bed the other night because he had a nightmare.

I actually wish co sleeping and letting children sleep with you until they are ready not to was more socially acceptable and encouraged, tbh. We'd all get a lot more sleep than I think.

Ds2 is actually more well adjusted than ds1. Make of that what you will...

By the way, people talking about self soothing should looked at the origins of the phrase - the man who coined it regrets it massively because of how it is now used to sell sleep training courses to desperate parents. He never intended it to be used as it is. He simply wanted to differentiate between the children who could support themselves back to sleep and those who couldn’t and then it was turned into a money maker.

Because my duty as a parent doesn’t end at 7pm. if my kids needed me during the day I wouldn’t leave them to cry and I certainly won’t be doing it in the night.

Babies infamously don’t sleep, I knew that when I decided to have children. I don’t understand people who are suddenly surprised by this

Do not start me on unregulated “sleep trainers” with their bogus 2 day internet certifications selling “courses” to tired desperate parents. The biggest bunch of con artists going.

The first five years of life are when a child’s brain develops the fastest, forming millions of neural connections that shape emotional regulation, attachment, and overall well-being. When babies cry, they’re not just seeking sleep — they’re communicating a need, which can be for comfort, security, or reassurance and not just feeding or changing. Responsive caregiving during this critical period helps build a foundation of trust and secure attachment, which supports healthy brain development.

Sleep training methods that involve leaving a baby to cry alone can sometimes lead to stress responses that impact brain development.

I personally find sleep training to just be of benefit to the people doing the sleep training, and babies will settle into a sleeping pattern when they're good and ready on their own even if they're into their toddler years when it happens.

FWIW my DS didn't sleep through and still doesn't but now I know it's because he is ND, and sleep issues and ND go hand in hand.

I obviously didn't know that when he was a baby and nobody else would either but I couldn't imagine forcing a child who needs additional support with emotional regulation to have to go through all that alone as a baby. It's just traumatic for them.

I don't sleep train because it's cruel. I'd rather put my daughter's happiness and future mental health first. I would never leave a baby to cry. There are plenty of other options like cosleeping etc. It feels wrong and hard to sleep train for parents because it IS wrong. It's a denial of instincts. Terrible how it's permeated parenting discourse as if it's a normal and natural part of bringing up a child.

I have heard a few experts say ‘babies who are sleep trained eventually stop crying because they know no one is coming.’ Awful. Couldn’t do it.

Also, I’ve found most that say their babies sleep through either say their OH does the night feeds or later discloses their baby wakes up numerous times a night.