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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Meal plans going wrong, why should I be blamed?

106 replies

pussinboots61 · 06/02/2025 19:25

I have a meal being planned with a group of friends in March. For years we have always met as a group, no men involved, a girlie get together. We do all meet seperately and in pairs but we have a meal altogether for Christmas and birthdays.

The main issue here is with three of the friends, who I'll refer to as A, B and C so as not to cause confusion.

Friend A does the arranging. Last Christmas friend B invited friend C's boyfriend to come along. He was the only man there. A good male friend of mine had given me a lift to the place and part of me felt obliged to invite him in for a coffee but I thought I wouldn't as it would be a girls meal only and I didn't want the other s thinking I was inviting a man along. But when friend C's boyfriend turned up I felt that I could have invited my friend in after all. Friiend A wasn't happy about the boyfriend being invited but when she found out that friend B had invited him she didn't say anything.

So now friend A is planning a meet up in March for her and friend C's birthdays which are both this month. She asked friiend C if her boyfriend is going, which she then took it as him being invited which she would do. I then, knowing that my male friend will be giving me a lift, said that I might ask him along too if another man is going to be there to keep him company. Friend C is totally happy with this and can't see a problem. Friend A however is not happy, she accused me of taking over, said its not my birthday and this man isn't even my partner. I pointed out that this makes no difference and friend C is happy for him to go along and its her birthday meal too. She said that its always been just us women before and she thinks its getting out of hand with other people coming along. I told her that she more or less invited friend Cs boyfriend but she said she only mentioned it to be polite. I told her that friend B invited him to the meal last Christmas and it wasn't her birthday and she hadn't asked anyone if they minded him going along but she said she won't say anything to her. Which means she will tell me but not anyone else.

I feel really upset by this. I have been in touch with friend B since and she said that friend A has rang her and said she's upset that the group is getting ruined and would rather it just be us. I agree with her, that men shouldn't be going along when its a girlie thing but if another man can go then I refuse to not allow my male friend to go.

Friend B feels sorry for friend A as she's got a lot on at the moment at home, and I feel sorry for her too but she's no need to talk to me like she has done. I have stress and depression but don't snap at people,.

Friend B was going to invite her cousin along (who is female) but she's thinking of not doing so now. I am taking my friend though if the other man is coming.

Any views on this and sorry if it's a long post. Thank you.

OP posts:
latetothefisting · 07/02/2025 12:36

friend B started this whole thing by inviting friend C's boyfriend, which was weird. Presumably if C wanted him there she would have asked him herself. Either you or she should just say 'Look let's go back to original plans and just have the 4 of us.' Problem sorted.

I feel sorry for A. Not only is she the one that does the organising, this time it's her birthday, she can invite whom she wants. She didn't invite C's partner, she just asked if he was coming, she might have even been trying to make a hint or little dig with that that he shouldn't. And then bad enough that C's partner comes along but then you try and invite a complete stranger just to make a point. It's really petty of you, and also very rude - it's basic etiquette that you don't invite other people to someone else's event without their permission.

I'm also another one who feels confused why these men would even want to come to a 'girlie' meal with people they don't know well. And why you described your friend as only coming "if there's another man going to be there to keep him company," as if he's a dog or something. What company can a random stranger provide him that you, his friend that he actually knows, and the other women, can't? Just because they both have a penis?

Crunchymum · 07/02/2025 12:37

pussinboots61 · 06/02/2025 23:31

I agree but this bloke has now been invited so the girlie day out has gone up the spout it seems.

Show quote history

Why can't friend C (is that even correct?) just tell her BF that everyone has agreed they'd prefer this occasion to be a girls only meet up? So you revert to th me original plan?

Bloom15 · 07/02/2025 12:39

It's a bit odd that C's boyfriend is invited - although maybe not as it is her birthday. But very odd of OP to invite a random male friend along too.

Just seems very tit for tat

latetothefisting · 07/02/2025 12:39

Blondeshavemorefun · 07/02/2025 12:04

I think it changes the whole thing tho. They have men there. She will be in her own

Show quote history

a - so what? It's a birthday meal out, not a swingers get together or ballroom dancing. It's not 1812, a male chaperone isn't essential
b - she won't be "on her own", she'll be with 3 of her close friends. She somehow managed to enjoy herself with just them before the random men started getting involved so I'm sure she can manage without a male escort
c - A and B also won't have partners there either, so it's not as if she's the only one without

hideawayforever · 07/02/2025 12:41

I feel sorry for A, she's tried to organise a girls night out and first of all B invites Cs boyfriend.....why when it's a girls night? now because of B, you're now demanding that your male friend goes too.
If I was A I would leave you all to it and have my own birthday celebrations with other friends/,family.

latetothefisting · 07/02/2025 12:43

there's a very weird tone to this thread from some posters (including OP), like a man is some sort of high-status accessory, like an expensive handbag or designer dog breed, something that doesn't have autonomy of its own but that you're not quite as cool if you don't have one of your own.

that, and a very playground mixture of 'Well if Molly is bringing her barbie to school then I'm bringing mine, otherwise it's not fair!'

Bizarre.

Comff · 07/02/2025 12:46

If the boyfriend is happy to go then you don’t need to invite a completely random penis to keep him company! How weird.

Btrsun10 · 07/02/2025 12:48

Why on earth did friend B invite friend C's boyfriend?? What's that about?
Why did friend B not invite her own boyfriend?
I cant get past this point 😂

wholettheturnipsburn · 07/02/2025 12:51

It all sounds exhausting

I would just give it a miss and say that as it's not a girls night out anymore, you'll catch up with your friends later

Comff · 07/02/2025 12:53

Btrsun10 · 07/02/2025 12:48

Why on earth did friend B invite friend C's boyfriend?? What's that about?
Why did friend B not invite her own boyfriend?
I cant get past this point 😂

Maybe they hadn’t met before? Or hadn’t seen each other in a while?

Comff · 07/02/2025 12:54

wholettheturnipsburn · 07/02/2025 12:51

It all sounds exhausting

I would just give it a miss and say that as it's not a girls night out anymore, you'll catch up with your friends later

Except it’s partially OP’s fault that it’s not a girls night anymore as she’s intending to bring a random man.

I’d do this if I was A though.

GermanBite · 07/02/2025 13:02

Is this actually about men not being welcome or is it that Friend A wants to keep the original group unchanged?

If the person giving you a lift was a woman, would anyone mind if she joined you?

arethereanyleftatall · 07/02/2025 13:15

I feel very sorry for A. Does all the organising, organising her own birthday, then her friends go and just invite whoever they fancy along! That's so rude.

Kitsmummy · 07/02/2025 13:31

B made it weird but you're making it even weirder

IButtleSir · 07/02/2025 13:45

Not the point of the thread, I know, but would it not be possible for friend B's boyfriend to talk you you, A, B and C? Does he have some sort of medical condition which precludes his speaking to women?

Nanny0gg · 07/02/2025 17:27

pussinboots61 · 06/02/2025 23:31

I agree but this bloke has now been invited so the girlie day out has gone up the spout it seems.

Show quote history

Then I'd politely decline.

Or arrange another time and specify it's for the 3 of you

Original poster
pussinboots61 · 07/02/2025 18:56

Well I will respond to everyone at once here. So many views and opinions.

The male friend of mine is not a stranger to this group of friends, they do know him. I am not inviting him to be difficult or to make a point. The main issue was when friend B invited friend C's boyfriend at Christmas. She says that he's a nice guy and does everything for friend C so he should be encouraged. Yes he is nice but that doesn't mean he has to come to our girl's days out.

I realise that its friend A's and C's birthdays but friend C said she is happy for my friend to come along. Now friend B is going to discuss with it C, I don't know if she maybe will suggest that she leaves her boyfriend out of it because it is upsetting friend A and then it will be all girls again like it should be.

I have since spoken to my male friend and he said may just call in and have a coffee until the others turn up and then go.

Please note that my stress levels are very high at the moment and I do tend to react to things. Friend C has advised me nicely to try not to worry about it and that we will all have a nice meal, which I am sure we will.

I am not a stroppy or demanding person at all. I used to be far too laid back and put up with anything but I don't now. Years ago, another group of friends took all their partners to a party and told me that I couldn't take my partner of the time so I just listened to them and went on my own. I refuse to be dictated to now.

Incidentally friend C's boyfriend is quite clingy. She once arranged a weekend for me to stay over at her house and told him it was a girlie weekend and to do his own thing. He still came to her house and stayed overnight.

OP posts:
Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 07/02/2025 19:03

Is friend C unable to say no to him?

Simplynotsimple · 07/02/2025 19:24

Not being a pushover doesn’t mean going in the completely opposite direction and inserting your way on to everyone else, which bringing this man on to a ‘girly meeting’ is absolutely.

Friend B sounds like she’s a bit gooey eyed over C’s boyfriend. He himself reads like a red flag. There’s no such thing as clingy and turning up at her house when told she was having friends over. Does C have doubts about the relationship and B (for whatever reason) is trying to keep them together?

Original poster
pussinboots61 · 07/02/2025 19:49

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 07/02/2025 19:03

Is friend C unable to say no to him?

I think that's the case. He's not demanding but is he clingy.

OP posts:
Original poster
pussinboots61 · 07/02/2025 19:50

Simplynotsimple · 07/02/2025 19:24

Not being a pushover doesn’t mean going in the completely opposite direction and inserting your way on to everyone else, which bringing this man on to a ‘girly meeting’ is absolutely.

Friend B sounds like she’s a bit gooey eyed over C’s boyfriend. He himself reads like a red flag. There’s no such thing as clingy and turning up at her house when told she was having friends over. Does C have doubts about the relationship and B (for whatever reason) is trying to keep them together?

How do you mean there's no such thing as clingy and turning up at her house when she's invited friends over? To me that is clingy.

OP posts:
BunnyLake · 07/02/2025 20:39

Simplynotsimple · 07/02/2025 19:24

Not being a pushover doesn’t mean going in the completely opposite direction and inserting your way on to everyone else, which bringing this man on to a ‘girly meeting’ is absolutely.

Friend B sounds like she’s a bit gooey eyed over C’s boyfriend. He himself reads like a red flag. There’s no such thing as clingy and turning up at her house when told she was having friends over. Does C have doubts about the relationship and B (for whatever reason) is trying to keep them together?

No such thing as clingy? What’s made you believe that?

BunnyLake · 07/02/2025 20:40

pussinboots61 · 07/02/2025 19:50

How do you mean there's no such thing as clingy and turning up at her house when she's invited friends over? To me that is clingy.

Show quote history

Of course there’s such a thing as clingy, very strange thing for someone to think it doesn’t exist. That would have really annoyed me OP and taken the edge of the stay.

It’s even got a definition in the Cambridge dictionary (and probably every other one). Honestly, the stuff people come out with.

Simplynotsimple · 07/02/2025 20:53

pussinboots61 · 07/02/2025 19:50

How do you mean there's no such thing as clingy and turning up at her house when she's invited friends over? To me that is clingy.

Show quote history

Sorry didn’t make myself clear. He’s not clingy, he’s possessive. It undermines worrying behaviour to describe a man following a woman to all her ‘girl time’ events akin to a toddler missing their mum. Turning up at her house when she was specifically having a ‘girls night’ is absolutely flashing red light possessive and controlling. And now she can’t do any of your usual meet-ups without him there, instead of recognising that there may be worrying behaviour here, you’re ignoring it as a sign you can bring your own man mate along.

Spondoolies · 07/02/2025 22:00

I would back up A and say having thought it over you agree it should be kept a girls thing as it totally changes the dynamics having a bloke there.

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