Meal plans going wrong, why should I be blamed?

[pussinboots61]

I have a meal being planned with a group of friends in March. For years we have always met as a group, no men involved, a girlie get together. We do all meet seperately and in pairs but we have a meal altogether for Christmas and birthdays.

The main issue here is with three of the friends, who I'll refer to as A, B and C so as not to cause confusion.

Friend A does the arranging. Last Christmas friend B invited friend C's boyfriend to come along. He was the only man there. A good male friend of mine had given me a lift to the place and part of me felt obliged to invite him in for a coffee but I thought I wouldn't as it would be a girls meal only and I didn't want the other s thinking I was inviting a man along. But when friend C's boyfriend turned up I felt that I could have invited my friend in after all. Friiend A wasn't happy about the boyfriend being invited but when she found out that friend B had invited him she didn't say anything.

So now friend A is planning a meet up in March for her and friend C's birthdays which are both this month. She asked friiend C if her boyfriend is going, which she then took it as him being invited which she would do. I then, knowing that my male friend will be giving me a lift, said that I might ask him along too if another man is going to be there to keep him company. Friend C is totally happy with this and can't see a problem. Friend A however is not happy, she accused me of taking over, said its not my birthday and this man isn't even my partner. I pointed out that this makes no difference and friend C is happy for him to go along and its her birthday meal too. She said that its always been just us women before and she thinks its getting out of hand with other people coming along. I told her that she more or less invited friend Cs boyfriend but she said she only mentioned it to be polite. I told her that friend B invited him to the meal last Christmas and it wasn't her birthday and she hadn't asked anyone if they minded him going along but she said she won't say anything to her. Which means she will tell me but not anyone else.

I feel really upset by this. I have been in touch with friend B since and she said that friend A has rang her and said she's upset that the group is getting ruined and would rather it just be us. I agree with her, that men shouldn't be going along when its a girlie thing but if another man can go then I refuse to not allow my male friend to go.

Friend B feels sorry for friend A as she's got a lot on at the moment at home, and I feel sorry for her too but she's no need to talk to me like she has done. I have stress and depression but don't snap at people,.

Friend B was going to invite her cousin along (who is female) but she's thinking of not doing so now. I am taking my friend though if the other man is coming.

Any views on this and sorry if it's a long post. Thank you.

I think friend A has made it clear she's bothered but is prepared to put up with her friends boyfriend because 2 people wanted him there and it's her birthday.

Now OP is just being a dick and creating unecessary drama about the boyfriend rather than just saying she didn't want men invited.

My honest answer is that if A is organising it, and A doesn't want men at the meal, then A needs to find her voice and tell all people due to attend that it's a women only meal. Blokes can take the night off and eat elsewhere.

If B or C bring a bloke along, then everyone needs to say when he rocks up to the table it's a women only meal.

For the time being, A needs to send out a text message to everyone for the March meal saying that as she is organising the meal it will be in Location at Time and no men are invited. They are welcome to join for a drink afterwards or not at all but they aren't invited to the meal.

It's one meal. Surely men could sit this one out?

Seems all very complicated. IMO friend B should never have said friend C's boyfriend could come in the first place without checking with the group.

I have been in a similar group since my 20s. The core social events are with the 'girls' at restaurants, though originally they were at our respective homes. We also, less frequently, meet up as couples, either for special occasions or a meal at one of our houses. No one flouts the unspoken rules without checking with the rest of the group that's it's OK. We occasionally invite another woman to our meet ups, again checking first with the group.

I guess you need to have a discussion about what works for you all, or accept that it's OK to invite others along, whether other men, women, partners or just friends.

@pussinboots61 why would B take it upon herself to invite C's boyfriend? didn't she realise it would upset the applecart?? that is what started all the upset! no men should be invited at all if it is a girlie event!

I think it's strange of you. You don't want men there. But now that one friend is bringing one you're insisting on doing the same because "of the principle". That's just being stubborn and childish in my opinion.

It's the original group or it isn't - but a pre-invited extra is very different to a spontaneous invite in for a drink.

I do think it's weirder to bring a random friend than a boyfriend just because they gave you a lift. You can invite them in to yours before for a coffee if you want to thank them, not into someone else's house.

I don't know how busy everyone is, but it's also sometimes tricky to organise diaries for events like birthdays if everyone's busy - for example I think some of my mum friends were put out when my husband came to my drinks out for my birthday, but I only had one chance to go out out.

So I think there has to be a degree of pragmatism about expectations of how often you can all socialise as an exclusive four.

LOL at you doing the lone man a favour by bringing a man he doesn’t know to talk to!

If lone man doesn’t feel comfortable without another man (random to him) then he’ll just decline to come.

If I was somehow invited to an otherwise all male dinner I wouldn’t want to make small talk with an additional woman I didn’t know rather than the men that I did know.

’The principle’ will wreck your friendship. You really don’t have to make yourself obnoxious to A for the sake of a principle. That you don’t even agree with since you favour an all woman get together.

Completely agree here!
While C should be able to go without her boyfriend, it's her birthday so... 🤷‍♀️
But I find it really weird that you want to invite a friend who is giving you a lift???

I completely see why friend A is upset. The group she is part of has been changed by the inclusion of random men. However, the time to have spoken up was when the first exception was made for the BF. She should have been clear she didn't want him included and then the group could have decided whether they preferred to have him there over her feelings. I'm guessing she is 'going for' you because she either thinks it's slipping even further away from the friendship group and before she knows it any random anyone fancies bringing will be there; or she sees you as a softer option than the others to challenge. Practical solution- meet twice. One just for the actual friend group, the other for the world and its dog if they feel like it. Then A can exclude from the second without missing out?

It all.sounds very childish.
But personally I enjoy meeting all women friends. also enjoy meeting old friends where we know each other well. So I agree it changes the feel of a meet up if partners, male friends and friends cousin also attend. There is nothing wrong with those meet ups but they are not the same

Two wrongs don't make a right, and you don't invite blokes to girls night. That's the first rule of girls night, surely. It completely changes the dynamic. And you're being very tit for tat and compounding the issue by inviting your taxi driver male friend, how's that supposed to help?

Organise a different night out which includes partners. Or male friends.

I think there needs to be different expectations on certain meet ups. One exclusively for the girls and one with a mix. I totally get that adding a man to the mix of female friends can really change the dynamic. I meet up occasionally with a group of female friends and as much as I like their husbands I don’t want them around at these get togethers.

The problem is, if you start inviting male friends as well then the lines are going to get blurred and you can’t argue against it being female only.

It's strange because it's A&C's birthday, and they haven't invited your friend. They don't want him there. HE'S NOT INVITED. It's not up to you to take it upon yourself to invite someone who isn't wanted to someone else's birthday party.

When it's YOUR birthday and you are inviting people to your birthday event, invite all the men you want. But this isn't your party and it's not up to you to do the inviting and the people whose birthday it is do not want your male friend to be there and haven't invited him! The only people at their birthday event should be the people they have chosen to invite.

It really doesn't matter who else is going or not going or what happened in the past. All that matters is that A&C get to choose who they invite to THEIR birthday event, and your male friend isn't invited, isn't wanted and so shouldn't come.

If it's a girls group there should be NO MEN there at all. But it all sounds like you are still at school and maybe the group has outgrown itself.

You agree with friend A it should be girls only. So why are you inviting male friend?? That appears like you think men should be included.

Clear communication for next invite that men are not invited and friend C can attend or not. Or support A to fix the birthday celebration to be just her female friends and no partners.

A Should have said no to B requesting c bf

as it’s a girls night out

b was cheeky asking

c should have said no to bf coming

as it’s a girls night

But that was the last event, so all water under the bridge now. (although I agree it wasn't managed well)

The event currently being planned is A & Cs birthday event. C, not unreasonably, wants to invite her boyfriend to her birthday event. Neither A nor C wish to invite OPs male friend along. It's not up to OP to demand someone the birthday girls don't want there is invited to their birthday party, nor is it reasonable to take it upon herself to issue invites.

Not OPs birthday, not OPs event, not OP's choice of who gets invited. OP doesn't seem to get that. That's why people are fed up with her, she seems to think she has the right to invite unwanted guests to someone else's birthday event.

It’s A and C’s birthday so they get to invite whoever is important to them. That includes C’s boyfriend. It obviously doesn’t include your random mate. Don’t be petty and keep pushing it, it’s a friend’s birthday and they want the people close to them, it’s not a generic +1 invite for you to bring whoever you like.

Next time make it clear it’s ‘girls night’ from the get go. I would pre empt any organising from others by sending the first message along the lines of ‘who’s up for girls night out in April’ and send a poll of available dates. And hopefully that should get the group dynamic back on track!

But if all have a man going I don’t see the issue if a friend comes

or

c has 2 meals. Meal with friends and then a nice romantic meal with bf

But it's not up to you (or OP) to make that choice.

A & C want to invite C's boyfriend to their birthday event. They don't want to invite OP's random friend. That's all that counts.

This sums up your attitude:

I agree with her, that men shouldn't be going along when its a girlie thing but if another man can go then I refuse to not allow my male friend to go.

You don’t even want your male friend to go. You’re just throwing a strop and trying to make a point because someone else got to invite a man. How old are you? Is this birthday being held in McDonalds on those little toadstools?

If it was my birthday I’d be thinking twice about inviting any of you. You do realise it’s the birthday girl you’re supposed to care about here, rather than childish one-upmanship?

I also don't understand who this friend is to you and why he gives you lifts to nights out with your friends?

I think it changes the whole thing tho. They have men there. She will be in her own

Only one man - C's boyfriend. A & B are going alone, so it's not just OP without a partner.

But in any case, it's not up to OP to decide who A and C get to invite to their birthday event. OPs only options are to accept the invitiation or to decline the invitation. She doesn't get to choose who they invite to their own party, nor does she get to take it upon herself to invite people herself.

When it's her birthday and her event, she can invite who she likes.

See I think that if the evening is for friend A and C's birthday then bringing her boyfriend is considerably less weird than you bringing a friend who I assume doesn't know either of the birthday girls?