Meal plans going wrong, why should I be blamed?

[pussinboots61]

I have a meal being planned with a group of friends in March. For years we have always met as a group, no men involved, a girlie get together. We do all meet seperately and in pairs but we have a meal altogether for Christmas and birthdays.

The main issue here is with three of the friends, who I'll refer to as A, B and C so as not to cause confusion.

Friend A does the arranging. Last Christmas friend B invited friend C's boyfriend to come along. He was the only man there. A good male friend of mine had given me a lift to the place and part of me felt obliged to invite him in for a coffee but I thought I wouldn't as it would be a girls meal only and I didn't want the other s thinking I was inviting a man along. But when friend C's boyfriend turned up I felt that I could have invited my friend in after all. Friiend A wasn't happy about the boyfriend being invited but when she found out that friend B had invited him she didn't say anything.

So now friend A is planning a meet up in March for her and friend C's birthdays which are both this month. She asked friiend C if her boyfriend is going, which she then took it as him being invited which she would do. I then, knowing that my male friend will be giving me a lift, said that I might ask him along too if another man is going to be there to keep him company. Friend C is totally happy with this and can't see a problem. Friend A however is not happy, she accused me of taking over, said its not my birthday and this man isn't even my partner. I pointed out that this makes no difference and friend C is happy for him to go along and its her birthday meal too. She said that its always been just us women before and she thinks its getting out of hand with other people coming along. I told her that she more or less invited friend Cs boyfriend but she said she only mentioned it to be polite. I told her that friend B invited him to the meal last Christmas and it wasn't her birthday and she hadn't asked anyone if they minded him going along but she said she won't say anything to her. Which means she will tell me but not anyone else.

I feel really upset by this. I have been in touch with friend B since and she said that friend A has rang her and said she's upset that the group is getting ruined and would rather it just be us. I agree with her, that men shouldn't be going along when its a girlie thing but if another man can go then I refuse to not allow my male friend to go.

Friend B feels sorry for friend A as she's got a lot on at the moment at home, and I feel sorry for her too but she's no need to talk to me like she has done. I have stress and depression but don't snap at people,.

Friend B was going to invite her cousin along (who is female) but she's thinking of not doing so now. I am taking my friend though if the other man is coming.

Any views on this and sorry if it's a long post. Thank you.

It’s A’s birthday as well, and it’s C who can’t leave her boyfriend at home for whatever reason. Instead of the rest of the group pulling her up on it or not putting last time down as a one off, the op is now trying to use it as an opportunity to insert another bloke into the women’s meet-up. If I was A, I’d be a bit wtf.

I'd ask if it can just be a 'girls' thing again - your friend needs time away from her boyfriend (he isn't controlling in some way, is he?) and your male friend has no need to be there (why is he giving you lifts anyway?).

Just say that it’s a girls night only

Hmmm, I do see her point. The horse has bolted on Friend C's boyfriend, Friend B has caused a problem and it sounds like Friend A would prefer he wasn't there either and was going to try and roll that back but it's tricky this time as it's C's birthday.

You're now inviting randoms making it even harder to get it back to girls only for next time.

It's quite different for a member of the group to bring her boyfriend when he was a) invited by another group member and b) it's her birthday, than it is for you to just bring along a random friend because he's a man. I don't know why B originally invited the boyfriend but I presume you all know him. Your outside friend is not equivalent.

Sounds like friend A feels more comfortable raising this with you rather than raising it with C.

Tbh why don't you just put a post up and ask them if we can go back to the original plan of girls only and uninvited C's bf and your friend.

I have worse, I was admitted to hospital for a week 3 years a go. My friends had planned to meet up for a meal the same week. One friend just took her new boyfriend in my place without telling any of the others, they were all livid and it was apparantly really awkward. Who the hell does that.

But it is her partner, you have described this man as your friend. So not a normal plus one situation, he isn't invited.
And while I agree that the group dynamics shouldn't have been changed without asking it isn't totally weird to want her partner at a dinner that is for her birthday. Especially as it sounds like they have been together for over a year?
Tbh I think you should talk to each other and either all invite your partners/husbands or none of you. And no, if you are single that doesn't include a random male friend to make up numbers.

This would make perfect sense, if it wasn't somebody else's birthday meal! They get to choose who to invite

Why on earth would you want your male friend to come and why would he even want to. A boyfriend is one thing but this is something else entirely.

now I’d not be bringing my partner, and he’d not want to come either, but there is no way in hell I’d be bringing a male friend, it is such an odd thing to do.

That’s the root of this disturbance. And why did none of you say Hang on A why are you inviting Bs bloke? Or whichever way round it was.
i suggest cancelling this event and rearranging it for another day with the original group only. If anyone doesn’t want to then maybe this tradition has run its course.

Thing is it’s her birthday, so perfectly reasonable to bring her partner.

whats wholly unreasonable is the ops desire and justification to have this bloke there,

Why did B invite C's boyfriend to a girls night out? That is where it all started getting weird .

You’re coming across as a bit weird and passive-aggressive to boot. Someone’s bringing their boyfriend, so you randomly plan invite a male friend who, presumably, doesn’t know anyone else at the meal, purely because ‘Someone else is bring a guy, therefore it’s my right to bring one’? Also, if this guy is your friend, why does he need a guy to talk to? He can clearly manage to hang out with women without his penis dropping off if he’s a friend of yours. As presumably, can the boyfriend, if he went out with you before and lived to tell the tale?

Think the group needs to decide if they want it to be girls only or mixed. They can't just have one guy with a group of women! Ask them in a group chat what they want to do for future meet ups.

Why the hell does friend C always want to bring her boyfriend anyway, it sounds like she's the needy one. I wouldn't want to bring my partner on a girls night out, it's very strange especially him being the only man there.

If i was A i would back right off from organising anything else, when B then decides to invite Cs boyfriend on a girls night out, I think she has caused all this and I wouldn't be happy if I was A.

Why can’t they? It’s happened before. His todger didn't drop off.

I mean, absolutely the group gets to decide who’s invited, obviously, but C’s boyfriend was actually invited last time by the organiser (who wasn’t C), so presumably two of the three women wanted him there on that occasion.

Renege on the males coming.
Uninvite all the men. Go back to being a girly meet up until you formally discuss and change the deal - which might never happen.
It should be three YESES means YES and one NO means NO.

Just say to the group I was looking forward to a girls day out like we normally have, can it just be us for this particular outing and we can organise something else with partners. Tbh if one of my friends insisted on bringing their clingy boyfriend out for a meal I’d rather cancel then sit there with him like a big gooseberry.

I would attend the dinner/girls get together without inviting anyone else.

The other boyfriend might not turn up, or might find girl talk of little interest to him and leave early.

Why didn't she invite the other womens' partners too? Very strange and so random he came and didn't feel awkward, something should have been said to friend B then for doing that.

Yet another thread where I'm confused that people are seemingly unable to talk to people they call friends.

I have a group of female friends. Sometimes we meet up just as a group of female friends. On other occasions we invite partners, other friends, random people we met in the street (ok maybe not the last one) etc.

We also manage to say things like "just us ladies this time" or "shall we invite partners" or "shall we make this a general invitation" so we are all in agreement as to what type of get together we are having.

OP - "Let's just make the birthday meal open since we've already invited other people, but go back to it just being the 4 of us usually"

Your being blamed because your the one creating unecessary drama? There's absolute no need for your male friend to come

It's weird to insist on bringing a random male friend to girls night. Even if partners were invited it would still be weird. He's not your partner, he's just a random man.

It's Cs birthday. I agree it would have been better to stick to girls only but I don't think you can ban someone inviting their boyfriend to their own birthday. But just because one man's invited doesn't mean you can invite any man you can find.

Stop digging your heals in and uninvite this random man if you actually value these friends.

There must be another story here.

Does friend C need her BF there for done reason, like shes anxious or lives so far away it'd be stupid for him to drop her off the come back and pick him up or he's controlling and she's not allowed out without him?

I think it odd that B invited Cs BF. Surely that means C shared some info and B thought having the BF along would solve it.

Is no one else bothered that BF has been added? It always changes the dynamic.

This seems separate to you bringing random male friend unless you have similar reasons eg safety, only way to get home and its massively putting him out, etc.

but if another man can go then I refuse to not allow my male friend to go.

Petty, and you are adding to the ‘ruination’ of the group.

As the only man the original boyfriend might have ducked out.

However, as everyone is now taking your tack and adding uncle tom cobley and his kitchen sink, it will get do unwieldy and pointless that someone will find it easier to say ‘girls night out’ for the next one.

For now, I would apologise to A, suggest that next time she arranges she should say ‘what about a girls night out dinner?’and promise that you will back her up.

If you would like to get it back to the original set up.