AIBU for asking guidance teacher for a meeting about my son?

[Sausageandchip]

DP thinks I’ve been an bit unreasonable but I am raging about this. Advice on what to do next also appreciated.

I have 2 sons in high school (Scotland) S6 & S1.

Since starting in August s1 son has been in bother quite a bit, not doing well in classes and getting in trouble (minor stuff like fights and social media things). I’ve also been getting loads of behaviour texts home but be was absolutely fine with no issues at primary.

My kids school have a system where they put the same guidance teacher in charge of all kids in the same family and this teacher was always fine with my eldest.

I had asked to have a meeting with social subject faculty head about S1 son because my son had “failed” an end of term assessment (he never failed anything in primary so I don’t get what’s happened) so I had phoned school to see if guidance teacher could arrange a meeting with the teacher and me and her.

She instead just forwarded a very long winded response from the department telling me how they marked it and how he can do better next time . I replied saying I wasn’t happy with this, and she gave prelims as the reason why they didn’t want a meeting this week (Which sounded like nonsense to me).

she phoned me later that day, and basically said because it’s prelims now the department are busy and I might need to wait a few weeks for a meeting if i want all of us there together.

here’s where DP says I (might) BU.

I said I was going to come in today for the meeting and she said she couldn’t. I said that I felt that she just couldn’t be bothered with this meeting and she said this was not the case, but because she deals with all other kinds of things in her job like child protection and police and social work, these things just have to take priority sometimes and said again that also the department will need to mark prelims for seniors before anyone can meet.

I then said to her to be honest I don’t give a flying duck (I might have used the naughty words) what else you are doing, I just want to meet about MY son. At this point she ended the call saying she would see if she could arrange a call with someone next week.

she also suggested we just wait and see how he does on his next test, but I felt that was a cop out. We have met her in person once before for a meeting about his behaviour but it seems now she can’t be bothered meeting about getting his grades up??!!

AIBU for requesting a meeting for my son?

Op I’m a teacher. Sadly I know you are real because I was being slightly facetious.

Teachers seem to be fair game for some people. Why don’t you join us, op. I think you’ll think twice about verbally abusing someone not saying how high when you demand they jump. There’s a bit of a retention crisis, I believe.

Why on Earth did you let a 12 year old child have TikTok?!

It is comparable.

You've said you expect the teachers to.sort out the children's behaviour at weekends because they met at school. But they have absolutely no control over your children at weekends. Outside of school, school have no power unless the children are wearing uniform and so representing the school at the time. We can't punish children for their behaviour when they are in the care of their actual parents.

I'll give you a similar example in a different context.

18 years ago, I taught in Reception. A parent came to me asking for help with her (Reception) child because, when he went to bed at night, he was staying up far too late and watching films that were too old for him (15s and 18s). She asked me to stop him. I asked her if she couldn't just remove the TV from his room or remove the remote. She said no, she couldn't do that and could I just have a word with him. He was 5.

I told her that I had absolutely no control over what her son watched in his room, at 11pm at night in her house. She disagreed and felt that,.as his teacher, I did.

Utter madness.

I couldn't.

I'm a teacher. It's my job. I'm not responsible for anyone's child when they are in their parents care only when they are in mine.

while I dont think she should be sorting it out, she’s like a gatekeeper to information. if I don’t know who these boys are or who their parents are how am I meant to sort it out of school? Honest question.

You cannot really expect a school staff member to give you information about who some students are, if that’s what you mean. That would be incredibly inappropriate, surely you must see that.

Also the staff member was not there, they don’t know who was involved, nor what was said and done. Surely you can see that for a school staff member to investigate this would take a huge amount of time. Not at all reasonable, even if it was appropriate.

You say want to sort it out. What exactly do you mean I wonder?

@SchoolySchoolySchoolSchool
Totally agree. I've had parents expect me to go to the house and get a child dressed, tell a child off for an incident at the weekend, indeed Ive been asked to punish a child by missing break time for having an untidy bedroom!

Why do you keep wanting to harass the teacher about a test result?! No it’s not a pleasant feeling to fail a test but that is the grade your son scored and most likely deserved based on his ability and input on that day. You enquired with the teacher why your son scored so low and they gave you detailed feedback on areas to work on for the next test. That’s all that needs to be done. The teacher can’t change a score to appease hurt feelings.

In 98% of cases, a student fails a test because of either:

1. Being of a naturally lower academic ability than the rest of the cohort (comprehension, literacy and maths skills, memory, executive function, problem-solving ect.)
2. Not working or revising hard towards the test. Disinterested in mastery towards a skill or concept in their own time.
3. Pissing about in class, continually messing about or talking with friends, disengaging, doing little work, not listening, not caring, not interested etc.
4. Disability or educational learning need which not being accommodated for has impeded them significantly.

Most tests are graded on a curve or to some sort of grade boundary. A well-designed test will have questions that produce a normal distribution curve with most scoring around the average, some failing and some scoring highly. There will always be children who fail tests. Scoring is rarely based on how well one did but how well one did relative to others. Ask your son honestly why he thinks he failed. Unless he has an extreme disability that prevents him accessing the curriculum fairly or the teacher has not taught the topic well or missed out parts, your son has got the grade he deserves.

If he doesn’t want to fail again, he needs to work on improving his ability, his mindset, his work ethic or his focus. Maybe less time pratting about as a thug on social media and in the local park would help.

And schools are not responsible for your child outside of school. This is blindingly obvious to everyone. You are his bloody parent. Stop blaming everyone else for your son’s poor choices, behaviour and work ethic.

Same here.

I'm happy to offer parenting advice (and often have to 🙄) but I am not doing it for you.

I wish you’d been this reflective 8 pages ago 😂

It’s great that you’re going to act on the feedback with your kiddo, and that you’re removing SM.

There needs to be more parenting like this - it’s what really does make a difference to children.

That was a much more balanced post, OP. Imagine if every parent whose child did badly in a test wanted a meeting with the teacher! Doing badly in the occasional test is a very, very common occurrence! Being a bit upset about it will hopefully make him work harder next time.

They aren't 'slower' in that the teachers aren't competent. They are slower because the marking takes longer! It takes longer to mark an essay than it does to mark a straightforward question paper!

With every OP update, my respect and admiration for the guidance teacher grows. She sounds very professional

I’m a teacher in a Glasgow secondary school. Trust me, parents like this are not unusual any more. Their demands are ridiculous, so many of them (like this parent) seem to think we work for them and treat us like shit. They, and their entitled, indulged, spoiled children, are making our jobs impossible, unpleasant and stressful.

You swore at her so she’s not going to make you a priority now is she? If anything she will be looking to avoid you. She’s probably thinking your son gets his behaviour from you.

This is quite obvious. A maths test is pretty straight forward to mark whereas English and History tests are word dense and have more parameters to take into consideration. I'm not a teacher but it's quite obvious when you think about it.

Correct. University applications are complex and the students benefit greatly from the guidance of their teachers.
You don’t need anything more than deadline reminders from the school and it’s good to hear that your elder son is dealing with it independently.
Your input might only serve to embarrass him.

Good Lord! How much more disrespectful and entitled could you be?

YABU

Her son does get his behaviour from her. In 10 years time she'll wonder why he's ruined and blame everyone except herself.

I’m actually a bit offended by this. I came on here asking for an opinion, I got it, and now you’re saying I’m so ridiculous I must be fake?

And yet you have already called a professional

• lazy
• fobbing you off
• making up reasons for not meeting with you ie you’ve accused various professionals at the school of being liars

Yet you are offended by an internet post? I cannot believe parent could be so entitled and selfish - and so averse to actually parenting her son.

Of course I didnt “let him”…ot got downloaded without my knowledge but it’s gone now.
I need to monitor his social media better I get this.

You need to do lots of things ' better '

starting with the apology to the sworn at teacher, asking someone on the telephone to pass on an apology is not sufficient !

Op you have had a hard time on this thread but I think you have listened to some of the advice. IMHO I think it would be lovely if you dropped off a card and chocolates to the guidance teacher in order to repair the relationship. I suspect you have had an easy ride with ds1 and are a bit bewildered about ds2. I have worked in schools my whole adult life so I knew how best to support my children when I had them. Ds1 was challenging from early on so I got used to negative feedback and knew, because of my experience in schools, that it was vital to engage with teachers. If I was Prime Minister, I would provide parenting classes for every stage of children's lives because it doesn't come naturally.

Like….seriously? Teachers don’t have better things to do?

It's a nice idea but there is no way I would eat chocolates bought for me by a parent who has sworn at me and behaved like this. I wouldn't trust them.

while I dont think she should be sorting it out, she’s like a gatekeeper to information. if I don’t know who these boys are or who their parents are how am I meant to sort it out of school? Honest question.

They won't give you the names of the boys or their parents' details. Have you not heard of confidentiality and GDPR? Teachers simply cannot give you the information that you want.

You have to deal with this in the same way that you would if your son had met these boys anywhere else. The school is not responsible for introducing them to each other. The boys just all just happen to live in the catchment area and attend the same school. The school didn't have a choice in it.

Not rtft.

I don't blame her not wanting to see you.

Disgraceful way to speak to the teacher, while acknowledging your son is acting like a brat in school.