Page 6 | AIBU for asking guidance teacher for a meeting about my son?

Sausageandchip · 2025-02-06T19:06:10+00:00

DP thinks I’ve been an bit unreasonable but I am raging about this. Advice on what to do next also appreciated. I have 2 sons in high school (Scotland) S6 & S1. Since starting in August s1 son has been in bother quite a bit, not doing well in classes and getting in trouble (minor stuff like fights and social media things). I’ve also been getting loads of behaviour texts home but be was absolutely fine with no issues at primary. My kids school have a system where they put the same guidance teacher in charge of all kids in the same family and this teacher was always fine with my eldest. I had asked to have a meeting with social subject faculty head about S1 son because my son had “failed” an end of term assessment (he never failed anything in primary so I don’t get what’s happened) so I had phoned school to see if guidance teacher could arrange a meeting with the teacher and me and her. She instead just forwarded a very long winded response from the department telling me how they marked it and how he can do better next time . I replied saying I wasn’t happy with this, and she gave prelims as the reason why they didn’t want a meeting this week (Which sounded like nonsense to me). she phoned me later that day, and basically said because it’s prelims now the department are busy and I might need to wait a few weeks for a meeting if i want all of us there together. here’s where DP says I (might) BU. I said I was going to come in today for the meeting and she said she couldn’t. I said that I felt that she just couldn’t be bothered with this meeting and she said this was not the case, but because she deals with all other kinds of things in her job like child protection and police and social work, these things just have to take priority sometimes and said again that also the department will need to mark prelims for seniors before anyone can meet. I then said to her to be honest I don’t give a flying duck (I might have used the naughty words) what else you are doing, I just want to meet about MY son. At this point she ended the call saying she would see if she could arrange a call with someone next week. she also suggested we just wait and see how he does on his next test, but I felt that was a cop out. We have met her in person once before for a meeting about his behaviour but it seems now she can’t be bothered meeting about getting his grades up??!! AIBU for requesting a meeting for my son?

ILoveLeopard245 · 08/02/2025 11:19

Her response was entirely appropriate. Don’t schools have better things to do than deal with your child’s falling outs at the park?
It happened out of school and she took time to respond to you. She is giving you correct advice. What your youngster gets up to at the local park is yours to sort out.

SchoolySchoolySchoolSchool · 08/02/2025 11:22

I'm happy to meet with a parent but they have to fit around other commitments and statutory obligations. Not the other way round.

I wouldn't be permitted to meet with a 'difficult' parent alone (eg one who has sworn at me or already dismissed a reasonable response), which means you'd have to also wait for a second member of staff to be available too.

“we will keep an eye on this in school and keep them apart wherever possible however as it’s outside school and on a weekend, our advice would be to call the police if you feel (sons name) was threatened.”

What exactly do you expect the school to do at weekends? Your child is your responsibility when they are not in school...

andyouwillknowusbythetrailofdead · 08/02/2025 11:23

So your son is a violent, disruptive bully who hasn't performed well in a test and it's the teacher's fault.

It's also the teacher's fault that they aren't available at the drop of a hat to meet with a parent who has been verbally abusive.

Is that about the size of it?

Original poster

Sausageandchip · 08/02/2025 11:26

SchoolySchoolySchoolSchool · 08/02/2025 11:22

I'm happy to meet with a parent but they have to fit around other commitments and statutory obligations. Not the other way round.

I wouldn't be permitted to meet with a 'difficult' parent alone (eg one who has sworn at me or already dismissed a reasonable response), which means you'd have to also wait for a second member of staff to be available too.

“we will keep an eye on this in school and keep them apart wherever possible however as it’s outside school and on a weekend, our advice would be to call the police if you feel (sons name) was threatened.”

What exactly do you expect the school to do at weekends? Your child is your responsibility when they are not in school...

I know it’s at the weekend so she couldn’t be there to physically stop it but at the same time she has access to info about the other boys parents so she could surely sort it out if she wanted to? Call a meeting with them or something Or at least make them aware of what’s going on? I’ve stopped him going to the park for now anyways.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sausageandchip · 08/02/2025 11:28

crumblingschools · 08/02/2025 11:17

Why do you expect a teacher to sort out all the behavioural issues with your son both inside and outside the school @Sausageandchip Next you will be asking them to do all the parenting

I’m not but she’s in the position to sort it out with the parents and I’m not - I don’t know who these boys are or how to contact their mums. If I did I would have.

I always thought this was kind of the guidance teachers job no? they met for the first time in S1 as they came from different primaries so I disagree the school have nothing to do with it.

OP posts:

clary · 08/02/2025 11:29

Sausageandchip · 08/02/2025 11:11

My son behaves just like any other s1 does. A bit of bother but nothing major.
we have done through the feedback together, and I have already helped him with his next essay so hopefully he will do better.

I do have other reasons for feeling she’s a bit lazy and prone to fobbing people off - a few weeks ago at the local park, my son and his friends got into some bother with some other boys from the school (the same ones that the social media stuff was about. There had been back and forth on both sides)

I told my boy to go and tell her about it on Monday morning and I emailed her too.
her response? (Copied and pasted below)

“we will keep an eye on this in school and keep them apart wherever possible however as it’s outside school and on a weekend, our advice would be to call the police if you feel (sons name) was threatened.”

like … seriously? Like the police don’t have better things to do?

Show quote history

Yes I cannot believe that you don’t accept the response to the incident in the park. The teacher is exactly right, as others say. Fine to make school aware so they can keep an eye but it is not for the school to deal with police matters. The teacher is lazy because of this?

Also “just like any other s1” (I am not in Scotland, but I assume this is equivalent to year 7/year 8 in England?) – none of my DC got into fights at school, not did their friends. You need to realise that his behaviour needs to be addressed and take some responsibility.

Is this whole story true? I’m not usually one to doubt, but could anyone be this tone deaf and lacking in self-awareness?

andyouwillknowusbythetrailofdead · 08/02/2025 11:29

I know it’s at the weekend so she couldn’t be there to physically stop it but at the same time she has access to info about the other boys parents so she could surely sort it out if she wanted to?

She's a teacher. She doesn't have the power to manage the lives of a bunch of little thugs 24/7.

ilovesooty · 08/02/2025 11:29

Sausageandchip · 08/02/2025 11:11

My son behaves just like any other s1 does. A bit of bother but nothing major.
we have done through the feedback together, and I have already helped him with his next essay so hopefully he will do better.

I do have other reasons for feeling she’s a bit lazy and prone to fobbing people off - a few weeks ago at the local park, my son and his friends got into some bother with some other boys from the school (the same ones that the social media stuff was about. There had been back and forth on both sides)

I told my boy to go and tell her about it on Monday morning and I emailed her too.
her response? (Copied and pasted below)

“we will keep an eye on this in school and keep them apart wherever possible however as it’s outside school and on a weekend, our advice would be to call the police if you feel (sons name) was threatened.”

like … seriously? Like the police don’t have better things to do?

Show quote history

It's not her responsibility to investigate stuff that happens in a local park outside school hours. Nothing wrong with her response.

ILoveLeopard245 · 08/02/2025 11:30

You expect school to wade in and meet with parents of children who have had falling outs at the park of a weekend?! Imagine if they did that for all the youngsters in their care, there would be no time for actual school business.
Get a grip OP.
This is the most entitled and ridiculous post I have read in a while- I suspect you are probably trolling.

clary · 08/02/2025 11:31

I am also not familiar with the terminology here – is a guidance teacher a pastoral member of staff, or are they a classroom teacher as well? Tho tbh either way, it is not their role to investigate an incident outside school time and off the school premises and contact parents about it and I am surprised you think it is @Sausageandchip

UndertheseaPineappleHouse · 08/02/2025 11:31

The school can’t start giving out consequences for kids’ behavior outside of schools hours and off school premises. She’s noted that there’s potentially an issue between these kids and has taken steps to ensure no incidents occur during school time by keeping them separate. And she’s told you who is able and responsible to deal with serious incidents between kids outside of school time - the police.

SmileEachDay · 08/02/2025 11:32

It’s not her job to sort it out.

If I agreed to manage everything that happened outside school between children, I’d never do anything else. Most parents, if there’s an issue, will let me know so we can keep an eye and stop it coming into school and disrupting learning.

We are there, primarily, to teach. We aren’t the police or social care.

Laoise542 · 08/02/2025 11:32

Sausageandchip · 08/02/2025 11:28

I’m not but she’s in the position to sort it out with the parents and I’m not - I don’t know who these boys are or how to contact their mums. If I did I would have.

I always thought this was kind of the guidance teachers job no? they met for the first time in S1 as they came from different primaries so I disagree the school have nothing to do with it.

Show quote history

Her job is to sort issues that happen within school time. It isn't her remit to be contacting parents for issues that happen at a weekend. And with social media, it wouldn't be very hard for you to get the parents details from this if your son knew the kids.

School can't be responsible for children 24/7. What part of this don't you get? You appear to take absolutely no responsibility whatsoever for your own child's behaviour and expect everyone else to be dealing with this rather than actually parenting your own child.

ilovesooty · 08/02/2025 11:33

I bet @Sausageandchip will soon be getting the thread deleted because no one agrees with her on the grounds that it's "causing distress in real life"

crumblingschools · 08/02/2025 11:33

Most pastoral leads in our schools have to have some teaching responsibility too, funding doesn’t allow otherwise

Macaroni46 · 08/02/2025 11:35

This has to be made up. Surely no parent can be that stupid and entitled! So glad I left teaching!

MummytoE · 08/02/2025 11:35

" my son behaves like any other S1 does"..... denial!!

Original poster

Sausageandchip · 08/02/2025 11:36

ILoveLeopard245 · 08/02/2025 11:30

You expect school to wade in and meet with parents of children who have had falling outs at the park of a weekend?! Imagine if they did that for all the youngsters in their care, there would be no time for actual school business.
Get a grip OP.
This is the most entitled and ridiculous post I have read in a while- I suspect you are probably trolling.

I’m not entitled and I’m not a troll.
I am just now genuinely confused about what her job as guidance / pastoral care actually is because everyone else seems to think her response is completely normal.

she refuses to meet with parents about the test results (I get that he’s only s1 so it’s not important in the grand scheme but I’m still concerned.)

she refuses to speak with me on the phone (I admit I shouldn’t have sworn but I am just frustrated with the situation. I did ask the office staff yesterday to pass on my apologies for my previous outburst.)

she refuses to help with fights or bullying. Of course it’s at the weekend and she wasn’t there but also these people met in school, and are in school where I can’t protect or help my son.
she also refuses to get involved in social media stuff (for example my son was one of 5 boys mentioned in a TikTok video that was made IN THE SCHOOL! by another boy and his mates) saying all she can do is alert their parents and they have asked the boys to remove it.

so what does she actually do? I know she does UCAS and stuff because she’s helped my older boy with it, but other than that … what? I always thought the job of guidance was to sort out bullying and support parents with poor academic performance, but she’s not doing that for me.

OP posts:

BodyKeepingScore · 08/02/2025 11:36

God. You sound absolutely awful. Your son failed an exam, and because the teacher wasn't immediately able to meet with you to discuss this on your timeline you've been verbally abusive to them.

Child protection and safeguarding does take precedence over your precious poppet failing an exam.

I'd consider looking closer to home rather than blaming the school for the issues your son is having.

ThesebeautifulthingsthatIvegot · 08/02/2025 11:36

Sausageandchip · 08/02/2025 11:11

My son behaves just like any other s1 does. A bit of bother but nothing major.
we have done through the feedback together, and I have already helped him with his next essay so hopefully he will do better.

I do have other reasons for feeling she’s a bit lazy and prone to fobbing people off - a few weeks ago at the local park, my son and his friends got into some bother with some other boys from the school (the same ones that the social media stuff was about. There had been back and forth on both sides)

I told my boy to go and tell her about it on Monday morning and I emailed her too.
her response? (Copied and pasted below)

“we will keep an eye on this in school and keep them apart wherever possible however as it’s outside school and on a weekend, our advice would be to call the police if you feel (sons name) was threatened.”

like … seriously? Like the police don’t have better things to do?

Show quote history

Wait... So you accept that the police don't have better things to do, but can't begin to fathom that school staff might have better things to do?

Original poster

Sausageandchip · 08/02/2025 11:38

ThesebeautifulthingsthatIvegot · 08/02/2025 11:36

Wait... So you accept that the police don't have better things to do, but can't begin to fathom that school staff might have better things to do?

Show quote history

It wasn’t a crime, it was just 12 year olds ladding it up and being stupid, so no reason for police to be involved in my opinion. But this group of boys literally met at school. So I don’t know their parents or how I am supposed to sort this out?

OP posts:

spanieleyes · 08/02/2025 11:38

If it's serious enough to expect a member of school staff to deal with an incident that happens at the weekend, then surely it's serious enough for the police?

Awaits the next " Yes, but she should.........."

CaptainMyCaptain · 08/02/2025 11:38

Sausageandchip · 08/02/2025 11:26

I know it’s at the weekend so she couldn’t be there to physically stop it but at the same time she has access to info about the other boys parents so she could surely sort it out if she wanted to? Call a meeting with them or something Or at least make them aware of what’s going on? I’ve stopped him going to the park for now anyways.

Show quote history

It's not her job to do that.

Original poster

Sausageandchip · 08/02/2025 11:44

spanieleyes · 08/02/2025 11:38

If it's serious enough to expect a member of school staff to deal with an incident that happens at the weekend, then surely it's serious enough for the police?

Awaits the next " Yes, but she should.........."

I just feel escalating it to the police is ridiculous, and she is actually in the position to sort it out.

OP posts:

andyouwillknowusbythetrailofdead · 08/02/2025 11:44

What do you expect her to do? Spell it out.