MIL doing my head in - constantly complaining and racist remarks

[Spooniey]

MIL arrived at 5pm last night and is due to stay until Sunday at 2pm. However she has already made me consider putting my head in the oven or running away totally.

I have 2 daughters, 4 and 6 months, I’m on maternity leave so get the joy of hosting MIL all day while my lovely DH works.

Lets list the issues so far

• We had Mexican food for dinner, she complained that it was just fajitas and nachos and felt that tacos and other fillings (we had the same chicken on both the nachos and fajitas, she wanted some sort of other meat filling too) should have been offered and mentioned several times she was disappointed
• Since she last stayed we have swapped the rooms around, now both DDs share the larger room and the guest room is the smallest one. It has a double bed (against a wall), a chest of drawers and a wardrobe so plenty for a short stay, but no no she complained as it’s too small for her and it doesn’t get light in the morning as it’s north facing.
• This morning she complained that we were having a cold breakfast, I said there was food in the fridge if she wanted to make more but she said guests shouldn’t have to cook
• Complained DD (4) was eating in her pyjamas. We always do DDs breakfast in pyjamas as I don’t feel like having to change her after she gets weetabix and jam all over her uniform before school
• MIL did the school run with us, got out the car and we were a bit early so DD ran over to her friend who was playing in the little bit of playground that’s open at the start of the day. I waved to her dad and my MIL whispered “gosh he looks like one of those Hamas” - he is Jordanian. I immediately said that was inappropriate. Her dad is actually also my DHs boss (massive coincidence since we live in London and not even very close to each other that our girls are at the same school).
• In the car back she complained non stop, as he has there with his 2 daughters (one DDs age and a toddler), his wife gave birth just a week ago so dad is on school run duty. My MIL that “he looked like a hamas member” and his children look nothing like him (his wife is British, the children are fairly light skinned and have light brown hair). She has since complained to my SIL loudly on the phone that a “man who looks like he could be in Hamas, was hanging around outside DDs school and that is odd as it’s an all girls school. He’s not hanging around - he’s dropping his child off!! I have corrected her and pointed this out and she said “she just doesn’t know she has a weird feeling about him”. He is literally DHs boss and the dad of DDs best friend, we know the family really well and they are all lovely.

For context MIL is divorced and doesn’t have much of a social life, short of her calls to her children which are spent complaining. She lives in a small village and while there isn’t as much diversity as in London, there are people from all sorts of backgrounds - she just acts like she is blind to them or spews Islamophobic hate (she’s a big reform supporter).

AIBU to be thinking I can’t do a full weekend of this and to tell DH I’m booking a spa hotel and he and the children can have a lovely weekend with his mum without me!

Um - Schedule 10, s.4, s.95 and Modern Slavery Victim Care Contract accommodation would all like a word. Standard social housing - no. Housing for illegal migrants - yes. Not universal, not for all failed asylum seekers, but absolutely does exist.

Sounds horrible in every possible way, OP, sympathies!

When you say illegal immigrants, do you mean asylum seekers? Or immigrants?

I suppose you could mean illegal immigrants but they are much smaller in number than either asylum seekers and legal immigrants.

She sounds horrendous, my mil made a racist comment in front of me years ago at a bbq we were hosting and I very loudly told her to not ever speak like that in my house or around my children again or she'd no longer be welcome in there lives. She has never done it again. As for the rest of it I'd stop hosting her for days at a time or tell your husband to take time off work so he can deal with it.
100% agree that you should take yourself off to the spa.

The racist thing is awful but are you sure you’re not just on edge and thinking she’s complaining eg I was thinking we’d have a fry this morning and you said we’ll make it yourself so she made the guest comment? Or she commented on your child having pjs on for breakfast and you jumped on it? Or she said about the room facing that way but you saw it as a complaint? It’s always tough having relatives over and I’d be the same as you but everyone saying she’s awful etc etc - there are three sides to every story

Definitely take yourself out of the equation this weekend. Fuck that.

And make clear to your DH that it is the last time you’ll be “in charge” of looking after her while he’s work. No more.

Dear God I’m surprised you haven’t pushed her off a cliff.

Also, tell your DH what she said about his boss asap - had his boss heard what his mum said, it could have meant massive issues for him at work.

I would be telling my husband to either send his mother packing back to the arse hole of the daily mail or do the spa hotel idea. I also would be telling him that his mother is not staying again unless he is around the entire time to deal with her. And you both need to read her the riot act about her racism in front of your children. I might be able to ignore the constant whingeing at a push but not racism and certainly not in front of children who are impressionable and won’t know at such a young age how wrong it is.

My nan lived in London most of her life (she came over from rural Ireland in her teens) and she was exactly like OP's MIL. I won't share some of the language she used to refer to her neighbours and people in the local community, but it was awful. She was racist and hateful until the very end.

I would tell her to leave. The statements about your dh’s boss could be extremely damaging.

Complaining about perceived slights; smaller room, food not to her liking, is one thing; blatant racism is toxic and very damaging to be around and be obliged to listen to, but especially toxic to have your DC around this woman.

You'll have to do a lot of damage control while, or after this woman leaves, to explain to your DCs that she is not well in the head and not to take notice of what she says. Of course by now, you must have let your DH know what his mother has said about his employer and your DCs friend?

This

I could tell you some of the things my non-white friends have had said to them if you think this story is far fetched. Unfortunately casual racism both behind their backs and to their faces is common.
I once had to intervene on holiday when the woman selling tickets to something refused to let one of the children buy a child’s ticket and insisted that ‘ these people’ try this on all the time, and the child was clearly an adult.
The kid was 11, and looked 11, and the other 3 white kids - my 2 included- had all bought theirs without any fuss despite being older.
When I told her mum later what had happened she shrugged and said that kind of thing was commonplace for them. They’re English.
I’m not, my kids aren’t but all that one saw at that moment was the colour of the girls skin and decided she was ‘these people’.

Also , if the mother in law is spouting racist nonsense around OP’s daughter ,there is a risk that OP’s daughter will tell her friend who may then tell her father ( who is your dh’s boss.)Could put your dh’s job at risk
I honestly couldn’t bear to have this kind of woman in my home . I abhor racists

Your MIL is rude, racist and stupid.

(I am also a person who is seriously considering voting Reform.)

you are giving me the painful eyerolls

Did your husband lumber you with her? Thought you said he is 'lovely'?

Then you bask in the silence. She sounds insufferable.

She's awful! I'm often on the side of MILs on these threads but not in this case. What's with all these Hamas comments. She is extremely racist. I find her comments very offensive.

She sounds vile. And you definitely don’t want your dd repeating what granny said.
I’m old, widowed, live in a village and I’ve got a teeny tiny social life but none of that makes me ( or anyone else) a racist. I’m afraid she’s just a nasty human being. I wouldn’t host her ever again.

She’s gone to her appointment and I called DH on his lunch break. He has said if she is really bothering me (and she is bothering him already) then he will book her into a hotel, frame it as a treat for her and tell her that in the future we won’t be hosting her overnight as no one seems to enjoy it.

This sounds like a plan your DH is a star ..he obviously doesn't want you to leave the home why should you have too.
Hope your weekend works out much nicer sigh of relief 😂

What about the not so casual racism in front of children? That’s not going to solve itself if no one talks seriously to her about it?

Seriously, get yoyr husband to come home early on Friday and you head off. You need to get him to tell her she can't stay in future unless she mends her ways by x, y and z.