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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

MIL doing my head in - constantly complaining and racist remarks

109 replies

Spooniey · 06/02/2025 11:26

MIL arrived at 5pm last night and is due to stay until Sunday at 2pm. However she has already made me consider putting my head in the oven or running away totally.

I have 2 daughters, 4 and 6 months, I’m on maternity leave so get the joy of hosting MIL all day while my lovely DH works.

Lets list the issues so far

  • We had Mexican food for dinner, she complained that it was just fajitas and nachos and felt that tacos and other fillings (we had the same chicken on both the nachos and fajitas, she wanted some sort of other meat filling too) should have been offered and mentioned several times she was disappointed
  • Since she last stayed we have swapped the rooms around, now both DDs share the larger room and the guest room is the smallest one. It has a double bed (against a wall), a chest of drawers and a wardrobe so plenty for a short stay, but no no she complained as it’s too small for her and it doesn’t get light in the morning as it’s north facing.
  • This morning she complained that we were having a cold breakfast, I said there was food in the fridge if she wanted to make more but she said guests shouldn’t have to cook
  • Complained DD (4) was eating in her pyjamas. We always do DDs breakfast in pyjamas as I don’t feel like having to change her after she gets weetabix and jam all over her uniform before school
  • MIL did the school run with us, got out the car and we were a bit early so DD ran over to her friend who was playing in the little bit of playground that’s open at the start of the day. I waved to her dad and my MIL whispered “gosh he looks like one of those Hamas” - he is Jordanian. I immediately said that was inappropriate. Her dad is actually also my DHs boss (massive coincidence since we live in London and not even very close to each other that our girls are at the same school).
  • In the car back she complained non stop, as he has there with his 2 daughters (one DDs age and a toddler), his wife gave birth just a week ago so dad is on school run duty. My MIL that “he looked like a hamas member” and his children look nothing like him (his wife is British, the children are fairly light skinned and have light brown hair). She has since complained to my SIL loudly on the phone that a “man who looks like he could be in Hamas, was hanging around outside DDs school and that is odd as it’s an all girls school. He’s not hanging around - he’s dropping his child off!! I have corrected her and pointed this out and she said “she just doesn’t know she has a weird feeling about him”. He is literally DHs boss and the dad of DDs best friend, we know the family really well and they are all lovely.

For context MIL is divorced and doesn’t have much of a social life, short of her calls to her children which are spent complaining. She lives in a small village and while there isn’t as much diversity as in London, there are people from all sorts of backgrounds - she just acts like she is blind to them or spews Islamophobic hate (she’s a big reform supporter).

AIBU to be thinking I can’t do a full weekend of this and to tell DH I’m booking a spa hotel and he and the children can have a lovely weekend with his mum without me!

OP posts:
Springsareup · 06/02/2025 12:34

I wouldn't want her around my DC either. She's disgusting. What if your DC goes to school and repeats wording it 'my family thinks this'. This could be flagged by school as a safeguarding concern that you are a family of racists. Or your DDs friend could repeat the conversation to your DHs boss. I can't imagine you would get away with acting so ungrateful about food at her house either.

Threewheeler1 · 06/02/2025 12:39

Christ, she sounds ignorant, rude and insufferable!

Anonymouseposter · 06/02/2025 12:40

I don't like MIL threads but this woman does sound particularly awful. I would be very tempted to tell her that if the food and accommodation aren't acceptable she would be better in a hotel.

user1492757084 · 06/02/2025 12:42

She won't be back often, Op; the room is too small.

Your MIL sounds like she is getting too old and she is losing her ability to be adaptible and see new things with positivity.
She must be seriously upset about the horrific Gaza war.
I think all people who know her will understand that she is difficult and that her assessments are often inaccurate.

Take shelter in your room with a good book for some of the time your DH is home. He is good at reacting to her.

RaininSummer · 06/02/2025 12:44

She sounds ghastly. Endless complaints and added racist crazy comments.

Namechangehsbdhdhdh · 06/02/2025 12:46

DancingHippos · 06/02/2025 11:32

You may have to suck it up this weekend but I would completely minimise contact with her in the future and NEVER let your DC be alone with her, and you don't be alone with her again. She is not nice

This. Tempting as it is to leave DH alone with her and the kids, be there to drawer firm boundaries. My MIL and SIL who lives with her are absolute poison. They will start on DC if they get the chance.

OP, your DH needs to stand up to her regarding her foul comments about his boss. Any of this infront of the kids and she leaves. So glad for you he does stand up to her. Mine doesn’t and it is a massive source of tension.

RatalieTatalie · 06/02/2025 12:47

My (thankfully now ex) MIL was like this. Hideously racist, homophobic, classist - you name it, she was prejudiced against it!

She is not someone I want having any influence over my childrens thoughts on the world and so we hugely limited contact before the split anyway.

I wouldn't have the patience you are showing and (presuming your husband doesn't agree with her views), I would pass the task of keeping her in check to him!

wizzywig · 06/02/2025 13:10

Ask her if she is one of those crazy single cat lady women that jd vance talked about.

Notjustabrunette · 06/02/2025 13:12

My MIL is no way as bad as yours, but she really does love a moan. FIL is house bound and her life is very small these days. It’s almost as if she has nothing to talk about, so she just finds things to complain about.
I have no advise for you I’m afraid, best of luck for the weekend.

Renamed · 06/02/2025 13:17

You don’t have to have a massive racist in your house. Or your car. Tell her to get out and walk, and tell anyone she complains to it’s because she’s a massive racist.

LookItsMeAgain · 06/02/2025 13:22

Please be very clear to your DH when he gets home that whenever his mother is due to visit, you're taking off and why.
How the fuck dare she racially profile someone and say that they look like someone from Hamas. How dare she!!! I would have responded that since the bedroom was too small for her and that she clearly has issues feeling safe around your area now that she would be better off at home. When you'd get back from the school run, go up with her to help her to pack and tell her that you'll drop her back to the bus/train station as soon as she's ready. You will of course make excuses to her son for her and explain why she felt that she couldn't stay any longer.

What an absolute witch of a woman!!!

AlexP24 · 06/02/2025 13:28

I don't believe this happened. I call bullshit. I live in East London and have relatives who come and stay from leafy villages. I have never heard anyone say repeatedly that someone 'looks like a Hamas member'. They would be more likely to say 'Bloody hell, it's like being in a foreign country round here'. But what you write simply doesn't ring true. I think you are a spy from Labour, sent to make allegations about Reform members....surely looking like a Hamas terrorist would entail dressing in a balaclava and a green headband anyway?

PennyApril54 · 06/02/2025 13:29

OMG you need to put up with this nonsense until Sunday, what a nightmare. I assume your husband is off Sat and Sun. I think you've just remembered you have a hair appt/ friend's lunch date/ your climbing Everest/ fighting giant snakes on Saturday morning and will be gone from early until dinner time.
Next time don't agree to her coming for a few days 🙈🙈🙈🙈 I feel your pain ❤️

PennyApril54 · 06/02/2025 13:30

AlexP24 · 06/02/2025 13:28

I don't believe this happened. I call bullshit. I live in East London and have relatives who come and stay from leafy villages. I have never heard anyone say repeatedly that someone 'looks like a Hamas member'. They would be more likely to say 'Bloody hell, it's like being in a foreign country round here'. But what you write simply doesn't ring true. I think you are a spy from Labour, sent to make allegations about Reform members....surely looking like a Hamas terrorist would entail dressing in a balaclava and a green headband anyway?

No. It is quite believable, I can think of a few people I have the misfortune of dealing with who would say this exact thing.

godmum56 · 06/02/2025 13:30

I absolutely agree with all the comments made about how nasty and racist she is and not wanting her around your children, but pragmatically also (someone has already made a passing remark sorry can't find the post now) your DH has to be told in order to realise how much she is putting his job at risk....and if he is in certain industries, any future jobs too.

Nikki75 · 06/02/2025 13:30

Absolutely tell your husband you are spending the weekend alone and that mil is impossible.. dont just suck it up !!
How dare she make comments like that id be embarrassed and guests help at home when you have a 4 yr old and a baby you are not there to wait on her.
Pack your weekend bag and enjoy yourself x

PennyApril54 · 06/02/2025 13:32

There's also a very mischievous side of me that would invite your DH's boss and family round for dinner tonight 🤣🤣🤣

Doloresparton · 06/02/2025 13:32

AlexP24 · 06/02/2025 13:28

I don't believe this happened. I call bullshit. I live in East London and have relatives who come and stay from leafy villages. I have never heard anyone say repeatedly that someone 'looks like a Hamas member'. They would be more likely to say 'Bloody hell, it's like being in a foreign country round here'. But what you write simply doesn't ring true. I think you are a spy from Labour, sent to make allegations about Reform members....surely looking like a Hamas terrorist would entail dressing in a balaclava and a green headband anyway?

You think terrorists and bank robbers wear balaclavas on the school run. 😆

Nikki75 · 06/02/2025 13:35

VickyEadieofThigh · 06/02/2025 11:28

I'd do exactly that. Seriously.

Me too.. I could not put up with that .. and would hate to be that mil !!

HangingOver · 06/02/2025 13:36

My DF can be a bit like this. I highly recommend absolutely losing your shit.

krustykittens · 06/02/2025 13:37

GCAcademic · 06/02/2025 11:38

I would tell her that you'll help her find a hotel today for the rest of the stay since she is so unhappy with the food and accommodation at your house.

This! I threatened my own mother with this, who sounds VERY similar to your MIL. It worked but only for a little while.

cannynotsay · 06/02/2025 13:39

Get her the hell out of your house! She's horrific what she's saying about DD best friend and your DH boss, draw the line here now. She needs to have her actions accounted for! Also she needs educating badly. What a horrid women, I wouldn't even have her around my children. Regardless of who she was!

Loveumagenta · 06/02/2025 13:39

I would - there’s no way I could listen to that racist shite all day long. Either I’d be off or she’d be leaving.
It sounds like the perfect chance for your DH to spend quality time with his mother.
In a serious note - your DH needs to speak to his mother about speaking like that in front of the children. They shouldn’t have to listen to her racist bullshit.

pikkumyy77 · 06/02/2025 13:42

itsnotagameshow · 06/02/2025 11:59

This is satire, right? For one thing, if someone is deemed to be an illegal immigrant (so having had their case heard as an asylum seeker and not accepted), then there is no way they would be housed.

No its probably not a joke. Logic like this is how all the “I’m not a racist/pro rapist/xenophobic/anti LGBTQ people managed to vote for Trump without noticing he just offered them their preferred bigotry in order to loot the country and destroy the functioning state and also install rapists and segregationists into top positions. Its how the “I voted for the leopard eating faces party” people end up wailing “I never thought the leopard would eat my face.”

Heronwatcher · 06/02/2025 13:43

Why can’t you ask her to leave? It’s your house too?

Most of the time I think people are OTT about MILs here but the racism is unbelievably awful. The first time she did it I’d have had strong words. The second time I would have asked her to leave. You do realise she’ll say something in front of the kids tonight deliberately? Imagine if they go to school tomorrow and tell kids that their granny thinks that x’s dad is in Hamas? They and you will be in no end of trouble, plus do you really want them thinking that this is acceptable?