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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL doing my head in - constantly complaining and racist remarks

109 replies

Spooniey · 06/02/2025 11:26

MIL arrived at 5pm last night and is due to stay until Sunday at 2pm. However she has already made me consider putting my head in the oven or running away totally.

I have 2 daughters, 4 and 6 months, I’m on maternity leave so get the joy of hosting MIL all day while my lovely DH works.

Lets list the issues so far

  • We had Mexican food for dinner, she complained that it was just fajitas and nachos and felt that tacos and other fillings (we had the same chicken on both the nachos and fajitas, she wanted some sort of other meat filling too) should have been offered and mentioned several times she was disappointed
  • Since she last stayed we have swapped the rooms around, now both DDs share the larger room and the guest room is the smallest one. It has a double bed (against a wall), a chest of drawers and a wardrobe so plenty for a short stay, but no no she complained as it’s too small for her and it doesn’t get light in the morning as it’s north facing.
  • This morning she complained that we were having a cold breakfast, I said there was food in the fridge if she wanted to make more but she said guests shouldn’t have to cook
  • Complained DD (4) was eating in her pyjamas. We always do DDs breakfast in pyjamas as I don’t feel like having to change her after she gets weetabix and jam all over her uniform before school
  • MIL did the school run with us, got out the car and we were a bit early so DD ran over to her friend who was playing in the little bit of playground that’s open at the start of the day. I waved to her dad and my MIL whispered “gosh he looks like one of those Hamas” - he is Jordanian. I immediately said that was inappropriate. Her dad is actually also my DHs boss (massive coincidence since we live in London and not even very close to each other that our girls are at the same school).
  • In the car back she complained non stop, as he has there with his 2 daughters (one DDs age and a toddler), his wife gave birth just a week ago so dad is on school run duty. My MIL that “he looked like a hamas member” and his children look nothing like him (his wife is British, the children are fairly light skinned and have light brown hair). She has since complained to my SIL loudly on the phone that a “man who looks like he could be in Hamas, was hanging around outside DDs school and that is odd as it’s an all girls school. He’s not hanging around - he’s dropping his child off!! I have corrected her and pointed this out and she said “she just doesn’t know she has a weird feeling about him”. He is literally DHs boss and the dad of DDs best friend, we know the family really well and they are all lovely.

For context MIL is divorced and doesn’t have much of a social life, short of her calls to her children which are spent complaining. She lives in a small village and while there isn’t as much diversity as in London, there are people from all sorts of backgrounds - she just acts like she is blind to them or spews Islamophobic hate (she’s a big reform supporter).

AIBU to be thinking I can’t do a full weekend of this and to tell DH I’m booking a spa hotel and he and the children can have a lovely weekend with his mum without me!

OP posts:
LeBonBon · 06/02/2025 12:01

jollygoose · 06/02/2025 11:51

Yes she is racist and extremely annoying but you are also sharing bigoted views by assuming reform voters are racists. I intend to vote reform one reason because it maddens me to see illegal immigrants jumping the housing queue and costing millions which could be spent caring for our own people. I do not think that makes me racist I have asian friends who I care for very much.

Did the millions of Germans who voted for the Nazi party in 1933 hate all Jewish people and want them all dead? No, I'd imagine not. Did it matter? Not one jot.

If you want all illegal immigrants out, that's one thing. But where does it end? Once all of them are out, and there are still problems, do you then turn on ordinary people like the dad in this scenario because he looks a certain way? That's what people are worried about and rightly so.

We learn nothing.

TheyAreNotAngelsTheyDontCareAtAll · 06/02/2025 12:04

jollygoose · 06/02/2025 11:51

Yes she is racist and extremely annoying but you are also sharing bigoted views by assuming reform voters are racists. I intend to vote reform one reason because it maddens me to see illegal immigrants jumping the housing queue and costing millions which could be spent caring for our own people. I do not think that makes me racist I have asian friends who I care for very much.

Racist + supports Reform.
Not a bigoted trope, that's what she is.
The OP said nothing about all Reform voters being racist. That's a conclusion you leapt to.

thepariscrimefiles · 06/02/2025 12:06

jollygoose · 06/02/2025 11:51

Yes she is racist and extremely annoying but you are also sharing bigoted views by assuming reform voters are racists. I intend to vote reform one reason because it maddens me to see illegal immigrants jumping the housing queue and costing millions which could be spent caring for our own people. I do not think that makes me racist I have asian friends who I care for very much.

How are illegal immigrants jumping the housing queue? They are housed in horrible accommodation that UK nationals wouldn't want to live in. Many Reform voters do have racist views and buy into racist tropes that illegal immigrants are being treated better than people born in the UK.

EuclidianGeometryFan · 06/02/2025 12:07

These are your choices:

Option one:
React to her, challenge her, stand up for yourself, escalate to an argument, then have a whopping great flaming screaming shouting row. With luck she will leave early and go home. Her response of "silent treatment, calling SIL to complain who would back her up, defensiveness once the silent treatment ended and ultimately ensuring she was the victim when she told anyone who would listen" is really not a problem. In fact it is a win if she goes no-contact for a while and sulks. The key is just not caring what she, SIL, or anyone else thinks of you.

Option two:
Bite your tongue, give bland answers, go grey rock, go out for the evenings as soon as DH is home, avoid her for the weekend. Then after she is gone tell DH you will never be in the same room as her again.

Spirallingdownwards · 06/02/2025 12:07

jollygoose · 06/02/2025 11:51

Yes she is racist and extremely annoying but you are also sharing bigoted views by assuming reform voters are racists. I intend to vote reform one reason because it maddens me to see illegal immigrants jumping the housing queue and costing millions which could be spent caring for our own people. I do not think that makes me racist I have asian friends who I care for very much.

Tell your Asian friends who you care for that your are going to vote Reform I woukd guess they may not be friends for much longer.

@Spooniey every tine she makes a racist comment I woukd simply say we do not accept racist comments being made in this family. Repeat. And then say I am afraid if one more racist comment is made I will have to ask you to leave

DaisyChain505 · 06/02/2025 12:08

You have a DH problem here.

Why is HIS mother coming to stay when he’s not even there?

He should be the one calling out his mum every time she slags off the dinner served to her, the room she’s offered etc.

And if she’s staying he should be taking time off work to be with her.

She is not your responsibility.

Original poster
Spooniey · 06/02/2025 12:10

DaisyChain505 · 06/02/2025 12:08

You have a DH problem here.

Why is HIS mother coming to stay when he’s not even there?

He should be the one calling out his mum every time she slags off the dinner served to her, the room she’s offered etc.

And if she’s staying he should be taking time off work to be with her.

She is not your responsibility.

Edited

I really don’t have a DH problem.

She has an appointment this afternoon she had to be in London for. He is off work tomorrow and has been calling her out. He would have been off today but there was a client meeting he couldn’t get out of so has had to go in.

OP posts:
Coloursofthewind2 · 06/02/2025 12:11

I'd suggest that she books a Premier Inn next time. Tell her it's for her sake so she doesn't have to put up with the small guest room and she can have a cooked breakfast. Then if she says no, every time she complains about something "well I did suggest a Premier inn"
The racism I just wouldn't hold back on saying how terrible it is.

TheyAreNotAngelsTheyDontCareAtAll · 06/02/2025 12:13

jollygoose · 06/02/2025 11:51

Yes she is racist and extremely annoying but you are also sharing bigoted views by assuming reform voters are racists. I intend to vote reform one reason because it maddens me to see illegal immigrants jumping the housing queue and costing millions which could be spent caring for our own people. I do not think that makes me racist I have asian friends who I care for very much.

I cannot be racist, I have black/Asian/Chinese/mongolian friends... trope
One can be even married to 'not one of our people' and still not want 'others' in this country. Then there are politicians whose policy and views would mean their own parents/family would not be accepted here, yet there they are, having had the benefits of being born here, wanting to exclude people

arethereanyleftatall · 06/02/2025 12:14

No no no no no.

You presumably already knew she was awful.

So why not say 'no' when this was suggested. 'Absolutely not dh, your mother is racist and deeply unpleasant and I will not host her. You are welcome to.'

Im guessing you're a people pleaser and want to be nice to everyone, but that actually isn't a strategy that works in the end.

You might have to suck this one up this weekend, though I'd go out alone as much of it as I could and leave all the hostess by and cooking to her son.

HappyBirlingDay · 06/02/2025 12:15

I’m genuinely impressed that you haven’t throttled her yet.

ttcat37 · 06/02/2025 12:16

She sounds vile. Perfectly acceptable to leave your DH to it. I wouldn’t be leaving my kids anywhere near her though and wouldn’t want her having any contact with them to be honest with opinions like that.

DaisyChain505 · 06/02/2025 12:17

Spooniey · 06/02/2025 12:10

I really don’t have a DH problem.

She has an appointment this afternoon she had to be in London for. He is off work tomorrow and has been calling her out. He would have been off today but there was a client meeting he couldn’t get out of so has had to go in.

Show quote history

Well if she’s that bad and your husband has witnessed it himself he shouldn’t be expecting you to be left alone with her and should be telling her she’s no longer welcome to stay at your house due to her shitty behaviour.

TitusMoan · 06/02/2025 12:19

jollygoose · 06/02/2025 11:51

Yes she is racist and extremely annoying but you are also sharing bigoted views by assuming reform voters are racists. I intend to vote reform one reason because it maddens me to see illegal immigrants jumping the housing queue and costing millions which could be spent caring for our own people. I do not think that makes me racist I have asian friends who I care for very much.

Vote Reform if you like, but you’re getting in bed with a bunch of racists who’d deport your Asian friends to a country they weren’t even born in in a heartbeat.

DemonicCaveMaggot · 06/02/2025 12:19

If she gives you the silent treatment because you call her out on her racism, just carry on as if she isn't, if she chooses not to answer you when you ask her what she wants for lunch that's her look out when you serve something she doesn't like. If she is silent, she can't complain, at least not to you. My mother used to sulk at me if we'd had an infrequent argument. I just carried on as if she wasn't and she soon stopped it. My mother was a sensible woman though so your experience may vary.

Ignore SIL or put her on mute, or block if she's really unpleasant. If she's aggravating to you she can communicate with the family via your DH.

I agree with the previous suggestion of not leaving your children alone around her.

MikeRafone · 06/02/2025 12:20

Make a bingo card with all her racism and vile politics comments

cross out as and when she says them

leave lying around for her to see…

MrsJRHartley · 06/02/2025 12:20

I've previously told my MIL I won't tolerate racism, especially around my children. I would also tell her she was being rude. Stand up to her. Who cares if she moans to SIL?

Smokesandeats · 06/02/2025 12:21

She’s very rude and unpleasant. That racist remark must have been so upsetting for you to hear about a friend. Once she’s gone back to her swamp, I’d tell your DH that you will NEVER host her on your own again even for a few hours.

Springflowersmakeforbetterhours · 06/02/2025 12:22

Tell her she needs to leave as dd's friend is coming over and you know how her feelings are about that... Say you couldn't possibly ask her to be in the same house..
. Help her pack.
And keep her out.. Your dc do not need a dgm like her....

DemonicCaveMaggot · 06/02/2025 12:23

jollygoose · 06/02/2025 11:51

Yes she is racist and extremely annoying but you are also sharing bigoted views by assuming reform voters are racists. I intend to vote reform one reason because it maddens me to see illegal immigrants jumping the housing queue and costing millions which could be spent caring for our own people. I do not think that makes me racist I have asian friends who I care for very much.

You aren't racist but you'll put quite a few people into power who are both stupid and racist. It's like Trump supporters who just want a stop to illegal drug shipments. They'll get what they want but they really should have looked at what else they, and everyone else, was going to get too.

Also Reform is registered as a limited company. Companies are formed to make a profit which somebody gets to keep - not the members I suspect. I'd look at who gets to keep that money and what their real motivations are before voting for them.

MikeRafone · 06/02/2025 12:25

Tell her it’s farige like farage not far raage

tell her the good old days in the 1960s &1970s she want uk to go back to, we’re built on socialism and strong unions

nhs was built on immigration and would fail without expat Indians and West Indians 🥰

if she gets upset and gives you the silent treatment- tell her not to be a snowflake 😉

these people are happy to dish it out, but struggle when someone dishes it straight back

GCAcademic · 06/02/2025 12:26

I would cook only vegetarian food for the rest of her stay.

And buy her the book The Hundred Years War on Palestine for her birthday.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 06/02/2025 12:29

I would speak to your husband this evening [he sounds like a star by the way] and tell him that she will not be joining you on the school run tomorrow morning and why. It won't be career enhancing for him.

Lesson learned, she's an unpleasant houseguest to say the least of it. The baby will need its own room too soon so sadly it will be the last time you can host. Dammit. Sounds like you will both continue to call her out on her behaviour. If she blows up, has a flounce or complains to SIL. So What?

Let your DH handle it, he can always offer to take her home after work once she's had her appointment.

I'd also casually drop into conversation that there's been two notes from school about norovirus in some year groups and you hope it doesn't come home by the weekend.

Iamallowedtodisagreewithyou · 06/02/2025 12:31

YANBU she sounds awful except for the dinner thing if you serve two dishes then they s houldn't both be chicken sorry 😀but thats just nitpiking let your dh deal with her in future.

JimHalpertsWife · 06/02/2025 12:32

"If you want to keep visiting this house, then you'll keep your racist comments inside your own head when you are here. I will not entertain listening to shit like this from you, and it the kids ever overhear it then it'll be the last visit you ever get here"

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