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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Teetotal but made to feel like a freak

80 replies

HappyOak · 05/02/2025 09:25

So I’ve been with my partner a few months, he’s a drinker, maybe three of four drinks of an evening and more at the weekend.I’m teetotal having witnessed family members become alcoholic. Horrendous.
To cut a long story short my partners fronds are all drinkers, their friendships seem to centre around drinking. Each time we see them they always have to unleash some bitchy jibes about me not drinking and drinking sparkling water all the time and I just laugh it off but to be honest it really does piss me off.. I respect their choices why the hell can’t they accept mine and leave me to enjoy my Evian in peace 😆
His friends keep saying things like “ Oh we are surprised you’re with a non drinker “ etc etc and it just all feels a bit catty …
One friend bought us a bottle of booze and two glasses for Christmas saying it was for us to share even those she knows I’m teetotal … I wish I had the courage to issue a retort but I don’t … maybe I’m being too sensitive … AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
HappyOak · 05/02/2025 09:28

Friends not fronds … I can’t even do that right 😆

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 05/02/2025 09:29

I don’t think this is going to work out. You have very different social lives and I suspect that it’s going to begin causing problems between you relatively soon. I’d end things with him whilst it’s still a new relationship and look for somebody who is also teetotal or doesn’t have social drinking as such a core part of his social life.

WrinklesShminkles · 05/02/2025 09:30

YANBU and that friend sounds like a twat. But I think all you can do is rise above it. Or perhaps describe to them in detail exactly how alcoholics suffer and make those around them suffer as well - it's pretty eye-opening when you experience it. Hopefully someone will be along soon with some cutting retorts you can unleash on them.

LandofSpices · 05/02/2025 09:32

ComtesseDeSpair · 05/02/2025 09:29

I don’t think this is going to work out. You have very different social lives and I suspect that it’s going to begin causing problems between you relatively soon. I’d end things with him whilst it’s still a new relationship and look for somebody who is also teetotal or doesn’t have social drinking as such a core part of his social life.

Yes, and also, your boyfriend (he can't possibly be a 'partner' after a few months, OP) is a heavy drinker if he has three or four drinks a night and more at weekends. He clearly has alcohol dependence. Bluntly, you're focusing on the wrong thing in getting annoyed at his friends. You're teetotal from viewing up close the results of other people's alcoholism. Why are you dating a heavy drinker?

TiramisuThief · 05/02/2025 09:33

Anyone with friends i don't get on with is a sign the relationship isn't going to work out.

Sorry. He has immature friends.

I do think drinkers who make a big deal of people who don't drink are doing it to deflect feelings about their own drinking. Being on the receiving end of it is really dull and boring. I would point it out to them, maybe that will shut them up

AdoraBell · 05/02/2025 09:33

I would have a serious but calm talk with your DP, explain how the jibes/comments make you feel and see how he responds. If his response is negative I would say the relationship isn’t right as he won’t respect your boundaries.

WrylyAmused · 05/02/2025 09:34

Sounds like a lifestyle clash.
3-4 drinks every night is quite a lot, and with a friendship group and lifestyle that revolves around drinking, sounds like you'll be unhappy long term. Maybe time to step away and find a new one.

OctoblocksAssemble · 05/02/2025 09:34

They do it because they see your choice as a judgment on theirs, even if you don't mean it that way.
That aside though are you sure this one is worth holding onto? Sounds like quite a big divide to manage if his life revolves around booze and you've had traumatic experiences with alcoholic family.

username299 · 05/02/2025 09:34

People similar to each other flock together. I've no idea why his friends are constantly being rude, perhaps they're just rude people.

Some people see those who are teetotal or vegetarian as a criticism of them. They might see you as a threat to the group or a criticism of their drinking habits.

Regardless, I wouldn't be happy with my friends being rude to someone I cared about. I would speak to them about it and ask them to stop. I wonder why he hasn't and what that means for your relationship.

YouFreakingFreaks · 05/02/2025 09:35

LandofSpices · 05/02/2025 09:32

Yes, and also, your boyfriend (he can't possibly be a 'partner' after a few months, OP) is a heavy drinker if he has three or four drinks a night and more at weekends. He clearly has alcohol dependence. Bluntly, you're focusing on the wrong thing in getting annoyed at his friends. You're teetotal from viewing up close the results of other people's alcoholism. Why are you dating a heavy drinker?

Show quote history

All of this.

As someone teetotal myself, with alcoholics in the family, there is no way I would be with someone who drinks that much each week and who’s social life revolves around drinking.

Aroundthetwistyvines · 05/02/2025 09:36

How old is your dp and his friends op? They sound young, and immature.

Fmlright · 05/02/2025 09:36

I think the amount your partner drinks every day could easily tip into alcoholism with a major life event. Are you sure you’re well suited? I have a family of alcoholics so even though I’ll binge every now and then, I make sure it’s only kept to socialising rather than a coping mechanism for hard times. Your partner drinks an awful lot every week.

SleepToad · 05/02/2025 09:40

Sorry but his friends are dicks. There could be lots of reasons why you don't drink. So don't pass comment.

I love a drink.. . Love how it makes me feel, the lubrication in social situations, different drinks how they taste. My mates all drink. My wife's family all drink My wife doesn't. None of them have made any comments. They laugh because I often drive because my wife has an eye problem and is nervous of driving at night so I will not drink...it's daft because there's no reason why she can't drive... but twice a year isn't a problem and I don't mind staying on soft drinks.

His friends are dicks...I've said it again. All you need to know.

The important thing is what does he say... more booze for me would be my attitude

Original poster
HappyOak · 05/02/2025 09:41

Aroundthetwistyvines · 05/02/2025 09:36

How old is your dp and his friends op? They sound young, and immature.

Edited

They’re all mid fifties

OP posts:
boulevardofbrokendreamss · 05/02/2025 09:42

You are not compatible.

Youcanttakeanelephantonthebus · 05/02/2025 09:45

He drinks too much

InvisibilityCloakActivated · 05/02/2025 09:46

As others have said, it sounds like you are incompatible long term. His friends piss you off and you will withdraw from spending time with them. He will then have to choose where he spends his time and will either choose his friends and the drink (in which case the relationship is probably doomed) or choose you and then resent having to give up his friends and the drink (in which case the relationship is probably doomed).

As others have said 3-4 drinks a night, multiple nights of the week is quite a lot. Does he have enough money to do this AND save for long term goals like a house or a family?

If you have kids, he is going to leave you holding the baby while he goes out drinking "I've always gone out 4 nights a week and got drunk - why should I have to change my ways now?! You can look after the baby because you're sober anyway!"

LandofSpices · 05/02/2025 09:47

Youcanttakeanelephantonthebus · 05/02/2025 09:45

He drinks too much

Yes. I'm not teetotal, but I wouldn't dream of dating someone who drank three or four drinks every evening and more at weekends. That's alcohol-dependent, life-shortening, and also boring as fuck.

delvan · 05/02/2025 09:48

Not going to work out really I'm afraid. I am also sorry to say that a lot of serious drinkers are somewhat intimidated by those who don't. I think they might feel judged in your company although I know that may not be the case.

I don't think I could tolerate constant ribbing and needling like this. I don't mind the odd jibe now and then but I wouldn't be in the company of people like this if it was all the time.

Anyway TBH as a non drinker it is often very boring being in the company of a bunch of drinkers all night. We are just not the same when it comes to socialising, and that's OK. I just do it differently with others most of the time!

InvisibilityCloakActivated · 05/02/2025 09:49

InvisibilityCloakActivated · 05/02/2025 09:46

As others have said, it sounds like you are incompatible long term. His friends piss you off and you will withdraw from spending time with them. He will then have to choose where he spends his time and will either choose his friends and the drink (in which case the relationship is probably doomed) or choose you and then resent having to give up his friends and the drink (in which case the relationship is probably doomed).

As others have said 3-4 drinks a night, multiple nights of the week is quite a lot. Does he have enough money to do this AND save for long term goals like a house or a family?

If you have kids, he is going to leave you holding the baby while he goes out drinking "I've always gone out 4 nights a week and got drunk - why should I have to change my ways now?! You can look after the baby because you're sober anyway!"

Just seen your update saying they are all mid-fifties. I was picturing a younger group - twenties maybe. They are very immature if they regularly feel the need to comment on what is in your glass!

Original poster
HappyOak · 05/02/2025 09:54

InvisibilityCloakActivated · 05/02/2025 09:46

As others have said, it sounds like you are incompatible long term. His friends piss you off and you will withdraw from spending time with them. He will then have to choose where he spends his time and will either choose his friends and the drink (in which case the relationship is probably doomed) or choose you and then resent having to give up his friends and the drink (in which case the relationship is probably doomed).

As others have said 3-4 drinks a night, multiple nights of the week is quite a lot. Does he have enough money to do this AND save for long term goals like a house or a family?

If you have kids, he is going to leave you holding the baby while he goes out drinking "I've always gone out 4 nights a week and got drunk - why should I have to change my ways now?! You can look after the baby because you're sober anyway!"

We are both in our fifties … we both own our own homes and I have two grown up children from my first marriage. I agree with your comments about the incompatibility… I’ve been thinking that for a while.

OP posts:
Lurkingandlearning · 05/02/2025 09:54

I’m baffled. I can’t imagine why any teetotaller would want to be with a heavy drinker and involved in a social circle that revolves around drinking. If nothing else, don’t you find them both boring and irritating when they are all pissed. But a teetotaller who has had firsthand experience of alcoholics… why? Why are you putting yourself through this? It’s not even if you have a couple of days a week together where he is sober. Drinking every day is alcoholism. Then you’re suffering his no mark mates. They are bitchy to you because your abstinence shines a light on their piss head lifestyle. That won’t change.

I’m not suggesting you should only be with another teetotaller, most people who drink don’t to the extent him and his pals do and wouldn’t have digs at people who don’t drink. Dump him and find one of them.

Brooomhilda · 05/02/2025 09:57

As a fellow teetotaler, honestly when people comment on my not-drinking I just think "ew, that's embarrassing for you". Be embarrassed for them. It's a strange thing to comment on. Like taking the piss out of someone for not smoking and then buying them a pack of cigarettes. It's just weird.

Whenever it's brought up around me I do my utmost to change the conversation. I just don't find it an interesting topic. Mostly because for me I'm teetotal just because I don't like alcohol and have no use for it in my life. Try explaining that to someone who uses alcohol socially! It's a really difficult concept for them to grasp! And I totally get it - it's a totally private individual choice I have made for myself but of course as soon as you get questioned about it and answer honestly (well, according to how you feel anyway, I'm not saying this is a universal truth) people tend to feel attacked by you and tend to get jokingly defensive... I will never understand it!

I'm pregnant at the moment and am enjoying not having to answer questions about alcohol, especially over the Christmas period! I have one coworker who ALWAYS invites me to drink at work events (we have a team drinking hour on a Wednesday afternoon) and she always wants me to join in and always forgets that I always say no and have explained I don't drink. I've even explained a few times why I don't drink but I think she thinks I'll change my mind (I drive home from work anyway so wouldn't drink even if I did). But at the moment she's leaving me be!

InvisibilityCloakActivated · 05/02/2025 10:05

HappyOak · 05/02/2025 09:54

We are both in our fifties … we both own our own homes and I have two grown up children from my first marriage. I agree with your comments about the incompatibility… I’ve been thinking that for a while.

Show quote history

Sorry, I had assumed that you were all twenty somethings as a) it is immature to make comments on what other people are drinking and b) a lifestyle that revolves around drinking so much implies that they have very few grown up responsibilities and c) I'm in my 40s and no way could my body handle drinking that much that regularly!

How much time do you spend together where he isn't drinking? Do you have any fun days out together or is he always drunk or hungover?

Sorry OP, I don't think this will work in the long run.

pinkdelight · 05/02/2025 10:07

My DH doesn't drink, and nor do several friends in their 40s/50s. They never get this kind of treatment, though they do socialise in bars and such places less as it's boring for them being around drunk people. My DH drinks all kinds of non-alcoholic beers and prefers them to trad soft drinks. I drink but less than your partner. He drinks a fair lot by the sounds of it and those friends seem very booze focused. That's not how it has to be and you're in no way a freak, but people with drinking problems (which some of them may have) feel comforted by other people drinking the same/more than them and feel discomforted by people who don't, which is why they nag you. It's about them not you, so don't take it to heart that way. But overall it sounds tedious for you and not viable longer term.