Teetotal but made to feel like a freak

[HappyOak]

So I’ve been with my partner a few months, he’s a drinker, maybe three of four drinks of an evening and more at the weekend.I’m teetotal having witnessed family members become alcoholic. Horrendous.
To cut a long story short my partners fronds are all drinkers, their friendships seem to centre around drinking. Each time we see them they always have to unleash some bitchy jibes about me not drinking and drinking sparkling water all the time and I just laugh it off but to be honest it really does piss me off.. I respect their choices why the hell can’t they accept mine and leave me to enjoy my Evian in peace 😆
His friends keep saying things like “ Oh we are surprised you’re with a non drinker “ etc etc and it just all feels a bit catty …
One friend bought us a bottle of booze and two glasses for Christmas saying it was for us to share even those she knows I’m teetotal … I wish I had the courage to issue a retort but I don’t … maybe I’m being too sensitive … AIBU?

I'm teetotal too, have been for years (various reasons, one of them being that there are already enough women in my family who are heavy drinkers). I've been married a long time, but when I cut it out completely, DH cut down. He still has the odd beer if he feels like it, but it's really not a lot, and definitely not every day. And no-one we know has commented on it. Ever. Apart from my mother, who is one of the family drinkers, and who persists with being baffled by it, and questions it every time I see her, despite the fact that it's been years and my answers never change.

It's not you, it's them. It's perfectly possible to be teetotal and mix with people who aren't and for it to not be a problem.

It sounds to me like they all have a problem with drinking. No one in their fifties has 3/4 drinks a night, gets drunk as a way to have fun at week ends and doesn't have a problem with drinking. None of my friends are teetotal, but none of them drink in the week and will only really have a drink or 2 when they go out (which isn't every week end), with perhaps the occasional night when they drink a bit more. To me that's "normal". My sister's social group was very much like this, and they made fun of her regularly (She drank, but would only have 1, sometimes 2) They would invite her for dinner, but the pre-food drinks would last and they'd get through a bottle of whiskey and by 10pm no one was interested in food and it wouldn't be put on the table. She wasn't fun in their eyes. In the end she let the friendship drift and I think your relationship will go this way.

Your partner has some very twatty, immature friends. I'm amazed anyone gets to their 50s without working out that drinking all the time doesn't make anyone big or clever.

You are completely incompatible with this man. I'm a similar age and most of us don't drink much now. We certainly don't say anything against someone who has decided not to drink. Bear in mind people age quite quickly from now on and a heavy drinker will age more quickly than most. You really don't want that in your future.

They sound very immature. I drink, some of my friends don't drink for various reasons - health, religion or they just aren't keen on it. We all happily socialise without judgement.

The judgement isn't uncommon. It happens less than it used to but I still get jabby comments from people from time to time.

I couldn't care less, but if it were from people I was around all the time, I wouldn't put up with that.

Oh gosh, I thought you were going to say early 20s. They sound like they're having a mid life crisis. This isn't normal op, to be drinking to excess and most days like this is worrying. Does your dp have depression/job stress? Is he using this as some sort of coping mechanism? Has he always drank to this level? Therapy is needed here, before his liver packs in. Organ failure is no joke.

I wouldn't be getting into judgement things here ('he drinks so is obviously alcohol dependent' type stuff).

You are clearly incompatible, I'd call it quits now.

My DH rarely drinks, will often do the driving when we are on a night out, my friends are very grateful if he'll pick them up or drop them home. They don't comment. And will adjust the bill if he's not been drinking and we've been walloping them back. We'll also cut evenings short sometimes, as it's dull being the only non drinker, and that's OK too.

His friends are dicks.

You date in the early days to have fun, over the next few months you start to work out if your lifestyles are compatible. Yours aren't. You have trauma associated with alcohol that means you are never going to be comfortable with it. Him and his mates like a drink. You are always going to be butting heads on this

People like to surround themselves with similar people, to normalise their behaviour. Echochambers and filter bubbles, so they can sleepwalk through life. Your agency and sobriety, challenge their group think.

When I read your ages I was very surprised. I’d have expected people in their 50’s to be a bit more mature re a person’s choice to drink alcohol or not.

From your posts it seems that your boyfriend’s life (I wouldn’t call him a partner at this early stage) rather revolves around alcohol, considering that he drinks quite a lot every night and more again at the weekend.

As a fellow lifelong teetotaler (who has never had to put up with derogatory comments about it) I couldn’t envisage spending my time with someone who was so committed to drinking, not to mind having to tolerate negative comments from his friends, so my advice would be to end the relationship. You can do much better!!!

First reply nails it.

Mid FIFTIES? Urgh. At this age (I'm 55) I know a lot of people who don't drink any more because the physical damage is much more immediate and hard to take, alongside all the ones who have stopped for good due to a health crisis, and all those who have never drunk for all sorts of reasons. Therefore i have to assume that this lot are unusually dependent.

Tbh it sounds insanely boring to spend your leisure time hanging out with a bunch of problem drinkers.

DH and I used to run my in laws' pub when they took holidays. You could almost always tell the problem drinkers by the fact that would pressure us to drink with them. Running the pub was hard work and, while we did enjoy a drink, you can't drink every night and then get up the next day for a long hard working day, at least we couldn't.

I find this rather amusing. Not the OPs legitimate concerns around partners alcohol intake, but the belief that middle aged folks don’t drink like younger people do. It tends to be more in your face with younger folks, bars, staggering around in streets. But some older folks think nothing of downing a bottle of wine a night, have more of an interest in “real ales” and whilst not frequenting bars and boozers, think nothing of pickling themselves behind the privacy of their own doors. You only have to look in the supermarket trolley of a certain age group or a glance in the recycling glass bin to get some idea of the imbibe.

I wouldn’t want to be with a heavy drinker. It’s literally peeing money down the loo, a statistic waiting to happen and alcohol fuelled people are usually very boring.

I’m teetotal as I can’t drink. Never have been able to and it’s got much worse since I reached middle age. Literally after two mouthfuls all my joints burn with inflammation. Just found out recently it’s linked to my hEDS condition. Like you I have suffered years of sniping comments & jokes even though I’ve explained it’s medical and I’ve never cared or commented on what others drink and it’s often ruined going out for me. Husband likes it though as he always has a driver! Although he’s not a big drinker and I don’t think I could be with a heavy drinker as going out priorities tend to be centred around getting in as many drinks as possible which is obviously quite boring for people like us.

I think you’re completely incompatible especially with his social group who sound rude. If people can’t accept you don’t drink then they’re not worth bothering with. I don’t know why some drinkers feel personally offended by someone not drinking, all those comments are so tiresome & boring.

No,he’s doesn’t have a stressful job and doesn’t suffer from depression .. he’s drank quite heavily for decades to be honest.

Yeah I agree with others. I do actually enjoy a drink (or several) but this sounds quite extreme. Especially if you're teetotal! Your social lives are never going to be compatible and you will just end up resenting each other...

It feels like this isn't the relationship for you. especially if you have experienced alcohol addiction from those close to you and your new partner is a heavy drinker.

I don't drink and none of my friends and family have ever had a problem with it. In fact quite a few of them have stopped drinking in recent years.

Sadly I don't think your relationship has a future. It's not only his friends who clearly regard alcohol as a major part of their friendships, your "partner" is clearly drinking an unhealthy amount himself. I'd suggest it's time to walk away.

I'm tee-total too and I actively chose a low alcohol drinking partner decades ago when I was dating. First boyfriend was a drinker and it just didn't work out. So after ditching him (not only for his drinking) I regarded level of alcohol consumption a factor in future dating. My OH (of 40 years) does drink, but very moderately and can happily take it or leave it, and is happy to socialise and do activities that don't involve alcohol, or to drink soft drinks with me at social events.

I'm in my sixties now and I do raise a laugh when asked why I'm not having a drink, as I usually answer "I'm pregnant" 😊

If I was sober I'd find it difficult to be around someone who is clearly dependent on alcohol. Anyone who drinks daily is.
Surely it's no fun hanging out with him and his mates as they get progressively more pissed?
If you really don't mind that then fair enough. You're stronger than me! But either leave or just ignore it when they mention your drinking habits.

I actually can’t see how you can be in a relationship with him , and if he’s been drinking like this for years he likely is an alcoholic , albeit one that functions . I’m teetotal and I would have no interest in a relationship with someone where their social life revolves around drinking / the pub .