Teetotal but made to feel like a freak

[HappyOak]

So I’ve been with my partner a few months, he’s a drinker, maybe three of four drinks of an evening and more at the weekend.I’m teetotal having witnessed family members become alcoholic. Horrendous.
To cut a long story short my partners fronds are all drinkers, their friendships seem to centre around drinking. Each time we see them they always have to unleash some bitchy jibes about me not drinking and drinking sparkling water all the time and I just laugh it off but to be honest it really does piss me off.. I respect their choices why the hell can’t they accept mine and leave me to enjoy my Evian in peace 😆
His friends keep saying things like “ Oh we are surprised you’re with a non drinker “ etc etc and it just all feels a bit catty …
One friend bought us a bottle of booze and two glasses for Christmas saying it was for us to share even those she knows I’m teetotal … I wish I had the courage to issue a retort but I don’t … maybe I’m being too sensitive … AIBU?

Tbf, not really friends either 😂
I couldn’t spend time with people like this. DP is T-total & so only ever offered soft drink options. Family make a point of getting whatever he likes in for family events. In conversation with people who don’t know it’s usually the offer of a drink, and then a brief explanation - I don’t drink. And always respond with ‘ah cool, good for you’.

You probably just need some whitty clapbacks. ‘Yep, just the sparkling water for me thanks Wino-Wendy’.

’Oh, yes, his friendship choices surprise me too at times’

So he’s a heavy drinker, because that amount of alcohol is heavy drinking, you don’t drink and you’ve been thinking you are incompatible for a while even though you’ve only been together a few months? I’m not sure why his friends are the problem here, just end it.

Just to go slightly off at a tangent - think of Oliver Reed, Richard Harris, Peter O'toole, Richard Burton - while famous as actors they were perpetually booze-soaked wrecks who became even more notorious for their drunken antics, often involving the prospect of violence and doubtless immense regret when they sobered up.

Oliver Reed actually died in a pub after a heavy drinking session with a bunch of fellow boozers.

I bet they all started out "social drinkers" and probably laughed at non-drinkers.

Can I ask a question? If you're a teetotaler, why are you with a HEAVY drinker when you yourself has witnessed family members become alcoholic? How do you square this with your choice of partner, who is basically an alcoholic himself!?? This is not a one or two a week guy, this is an over the drinking unit every day guy, and worse on weekends! He's an alcoholic! So much for you being teetotal, you haven't avoided it at all, in fact, you chose to be with one.

Agree, heavy drinkers/alcoholics are usually attracted to each other and if this becomes normal in their friendship groups it usually doesn’t end well. I met Richard Harris in the Coal Hole pub on the Strand in London not long before he died, although friendly, he could hardly focus or speak, it was very sad to see.

Is Gazza still around? Not wishing ill will on anyone, but I'm surprised he has survived so far. Some people die from liver disease within months, some live long lives, some don't even get it. So it's a bit of a lottery I suppose. But bad obnoxious behaviour is awful whether a person is ill from alcohol or not.

Sorry, just broadening out the discussion....

“Judge a man by the company he keeps”. He’s a heavy drinker whose friends are heavy drinkers who are rude to you because you are different to them. You haven’t made any mention of him calling them out on their rudeness so I’m going to go ahead and assume he doesn’t. I really can’t see that this relationship has a future.

I had periods of drinking most nights when I was younger and actually going out a lot. I had friends who were teetotal back then and no one would say anything negative about it. As a group of late teen to early twenties drunkards we all knew to respect people’s choices in this. His friends are massively out of order, and I suspect he agrees with them. Just ditch him and find someone who doesn’t belittle you like this.

Blimey! I was thinking about 21!! Wow.

I can’t imagine being with someone who has 3/4 drinks every day. It sounds like they have an alcohol problem.

My DH of nearly 20 years drinks. One or two beers after work and maybe three on the weekend. I've been teetotal since we met.

His friends, now my friends too, couldn't give less of a shit what liquid I do or do not drink.

3 or 4 drinks every evening? Sounds like you have another alcoholic in your life. He may be functioning now, he may continue to function, he may also spiral with his physical and mental health very soon. Given it's early in the relationship I would be taking this as my chance to end the relationship and cut all ties.
I had a friend who was with a man who had a couple of drinks every night. Often with friends and many of his friends did the same so it wasn't picked up as an issue. About a year in she moved in with him and it became very clear he was dependent and he became abusive.

I agree- but it’s the attitude of these people at this age which is shocking to me!

Well to be blunt there won’t be many decades left if he carries on. Has he had any recent health checks?

Oh I can just picture them , they sound rough. By that age you don't make those kind of comments unless you are a bit dim.

I think a couple of things occur, no one can make you feel anything they don't have that power. And like others have said , his life revolves around booze, yours does not so that's going to be difficult. Does he have hobbies, do you have interesting and varied conversations about things that you are both interested in?

But, next time they comment I'd be curious -"why does it bother you I don't drink as I notice you mention it a lot. I think it surfaces feelings in you DP's friend that you don't like and i'd like to suggest you reflect on that. I don't think it's about me not drinking".

It's a lifestyle choice for some people. My dad was like that. He went to work and he went to the pub every lunchtime and Friday night and Saturday and Sunday afternoon. No hobbies or interests, didn't read, didn't listen to music or have an old car in the garage to do up or any things that people may do. Oh he went to football when younger but again that was tied to booze.

Yes he had a thorough medical for his job ..all came back fine …a clean bill of health! I was a little surprised to say the least!

You say you're laughing it off? What other reactions have you tried? I would be rolling my eyes and saying; "Boring" and pointedly turning to someone else with a change of subject question.

With that level of drinking, He is a reflection of the very thing you've tried to avoid.
I'd drop him and try again.

Yeah throw this one back. Both because he drinks too much and it will rapidly get old for you. And because his friends are a bit basic if they think someone who doesn't drink heavily is boring.

I’m teetotal having witnessed family members become alcoholic. Horrendous.

I'm surprised to read that despite the above you are not only dating a heavy drinker but you are also surrounding yourself with a crowd of heavy drinkers. I'd be rethinking the boyfriend rather than the comments his friends make.

There is no future in this.
We know it.
You know it.

Why have you surrounded yourself with heavy drinkers?
Doesn't sound like he tried to hide it.
Maybe you trying to resolve something from your childhood??
Tame the beast ?
Who knows. But don't waste any more time energy or emotional investment in this scenario.
All the best.

I agree with everyone, you’re incompatible. Sounds like drinking is his hobby and his social circle revolves around it. find someone who has other interests that align more with yours.

I'd imagine she's laughing it off because it is happening amongst he friends and she 1) wants them to like her and not think she's uptight, and 2) if this is the prevailing attitude amongst the group the person you turn to to change the subject is unlikely to be in "her corner" so to speak and support her pointed rudeness

This kind of approach might work with your own friends where the is a shared history, it isn't going to work when you are trying to join an established group (whose attitudes on drinking all align)

Yeah I echo the previous posters. He sounds deeply boring, as do they. It’s not going to work. Leave him to find himself another heavy drinker.

Get rid of this boyfriend and move on. His drinking is going to start affecting his health very soon. Plus socially, you don’t have that much in common… he’s drinking a LOT for anyone.

Agree with PPs. This isn't the relationship for you. Your partners behaviour around alcohol will trigger all sorts of trauma from your past and you will be anxious and miserable with him.