To emphasise that neurotypical kids have different needs to neurodiverse kids

[DevilledEgg]

I mean of course I'm not unreasonable. I'm just sick of seeing comments on here (everywhere actually, but I'm here the most) from perfect parents basically saying "well my neurotypical kids slept through the night by 1/share rooms fine/no not to hit their baby brother/eat what's offered etc etc so there's no reason your kids can't"

Telling parents of disabled children that they're shit parents because their DISABLED children don't behave like non disabled children is so fucking destructive.

And it happens all the fucking time

😭

Honestly, you just have to let their advice and opinions wash over you. I got SO sick of being told 'they'll eat what you put in front of them' about my autistic son with Arfid. No, he'd have starved himself. Keeping him alive and fed was a full time job for a few years and it pretty much depended on ignoring every piece of advice applicable to NT fussy eaters.

Just learn the art of being selectively deaf and find some mums of ND children to hang out with. They understand.

I know. It generally does wash over me but when I see it directed at other people it narks the life out of me. Attitudes need to change. I've seen it twice today. Once on here and once on a Facebook thread.

Agree and it happens at school too. Gaslit constantly but teachers heads and even the govt.

God almighty, I've just legged it over here because the thread from the OP sleeping in her lounge so the ND kids can be separated, is making my head implode. The number of replies insisting two autistic kids can share a room (one has PDA) is unreal. I give up.

Yes I remember that. Especially the DLA team

The arrogance of them is unreal.

@MrWise
What do you think happens in poorer countries? From Romania to Vietnam?
Or do you think that there's no autistic kids there?

Is that what we’re aiming for? The quality of life in a Romanian orphanage for our ND DC?

@ACatNamedRobin they don't cope. Or they get sent away - to be raised by a family member if they're lucky, or in an institution if they're not. Is that what you're advocating?

FFS the inability to think things through on here sometimes is astounding.

I do think at times there is an element of parenting in it as well. I have a neurodiverse son, with autism and adhd and while i understand the spectrum is very wide and the children diverse, he is a polite and generally well behaved child (it is often commented on by teachers etc). I do believe that is in part down to my parenting as I still have fairly high standards for his behaviour, despite his diagnoses. From when he was v young I would not let him get away with things like hitting his sister or anyone else (I would come down hard on that kind of thing). I have other parents I know who have kids with the same diagnoses who seem to let them get away with everything, with no consequences and I think that doesn't help

I think sometimes it's more to do with where the OP chooses to post.

Not everyone has experience of ND kids obviously, and yet knowing that, a lot of MNetters still insist on posting in AIBU for 'traffic'.

Why anyone would start a thread in the bearpit is beyond me.

Perhaps we might want to give the bears a bit of awareness. Would you prefer we fucked back off to the dark holes of depression?

What do you think happens in poorer countries? From Romania to Vietnam?
Or do you think that there's no autistic kids there?

They have a much lower quality of life. Hth

Haha no sorry to burst your bubble but no. I have a dc with adhd and ASD that are polite and well behaved and some that will smash their bedroom up and struggle to hold it together at school. All parented with the same boundaries.

I am disabled - I was born to reasonably affluent parents and I had a privileged childhood compared to many, even now I work part-time supported by a wonderful hubby, at a job I mostly enjoy but that brings intellectual challenges too, which is good for me.

I acknowledged though, that while there is no-way I don't deserve this life, I am privileged to have it. Heaven forbid, but should I one day have to support my son alone, or support myself alone, I would probably have to have a life that looked very different.

I would probably have to work full time, which would either mean I needed a much less challenging job, which would probably be less well paid and so I would need to work even more to make enough to live on, or I would have to work harder to achieve a better paid job despite my difficulties.

I would probably have to buy or rent a much smaller home that wasn't at suited to my needs. I spend a fair bit on buses now and would probably have to forgo other things to afford those. I would have less money for eating well or being able to do fun things with my son. Maybe I would qualify for some benefits that I don't currently. Ultimately whether you are disabled or not, you have to deal with the circumstances life throws at you. Yes if you are disabled having a certain amount of money helps, but if you don't have it, you have no choice but to adapt.

I have one ND and one NT child. What pisses me off more than this is parents of ND kids assuming that parenting NT kids is a breeze. My NT son kicks off just as much as my ND child. Won't eat certain things. Is rude. Won't do homework. And yes I am sure he isn't secretly ND. All kids can be challenging.

What annoys me is the ND parents who compare their children.
My DS has autism. He potty trained himself in a week and never had an accident since. This is fact.
But if I dare mention it either “he’s not autistic” “he’s not the right kind of autistic” “you got the label for him because you wanted it” “he’s not THAT autistic”
just makes me scream!

I think the votes here show what people really think.

They don’t understand. They honestly believe that we are making it up or exaggerating because they can’t comprehend how our kids that may sometimes seem so ‘normal’ can’t deal with other things. Having ND kids is a great leveller and makes you realise that other parents are going through things that are tricky even if you may not fully understand why or how.

Frankly, what I find harder to understand is other parents of ND kids who should know better yet still say that it’s parenting because their ND kid does/doesnt doesn’t do XYZ. My ND kids can talk. That’s not because of my fantastic parenting. One of them also bites other kids. That’s not because of my terrible parenting.

The trouble is, everyone is neurodiverse and it probably takes a while to identify which behaviours are typical within the vast range of neurodiversity and which behaviours are an indication of neurodivergence. Especially when children are very young.

Can I emphasise that neurodiverse kids are well diverse, they differ a lot and I don't just mean in capacity. They also will have different personalities I will add.

Op you are wrong to make sweeping statements about what all neurodiverse kids are like in the same way as you can't generalise about all children.

I can assure you for instance that my autistic child was a better sleeper overnight than her typical sister and they shared a room until 6&8 when we moved. This doesn't mean all neurodiverse children sleep through the night and share nicely with their siblings!

I would also point out there's amazing parents of children with specific needs (I hate the word special) and not so good ones plus children with autism can sometimes i stress be given guidance to do things differently, you don't have to accept everything, I stress it varies though

@messymummy5

I agree but said it more clumsily. I didn't accept that dd couldn't do things or was doomed to do bad things. Her early intervention I believe was key though, something that's hard to get in the U.K. alas

I think you’re well meaning, but this attitude is quite harmful. If you came down hard or enforced strict boundaries and consequences on my asd/pda child they would have spent 3 hours throwing things and swearing at you.
It really is such a wide spectrum. That’s not to say your parenting hasn’t had a positive impact, but it doesn’t mean everyone with more challenging ND children are lesser parents. They just have different children with different needs.

What do you think happens in poorer countries? From Romania to Vietnam?
Or do you think that there's no autistic kids there?

This is one of THE most stupid things I've heard, not only on Mumsnet but literally ever.

🏆

Can I just iterate that I never suggested all neurodiverse kids are the same. Just that they cannot be assumed to have the same needs as neurotypical kids. And that neurodiversity isn't due to faulty parenting