To emphasise that neurotypical kids have different needs to neurodiverse kids

[DevilledEgg]

I mean of course I'm not unreasonable. I'm just sick of seeing comments on here (everywhere actually, but I'm here the most) from perfect parents basically saying "well my neurotypical kids slept through the night by 1/share rooms fine/no not to hit their baby brother/eat what's offered etc etc so there's no reason your kids can't"

Telling parents of disabled children that they're shit parents because their DISABLED children don't behave like non disabled children is so fucking destructive.

And it happens all the fucking time

😭

So you think all autistic dc or all adhd or all audhd dc are the same?

You'll learn.

But challenging in a way that most of the world understands and tolerates is a universe away from challenging in a way that much of the world judge as rude or hostile or fucking weird.

As you with a ND child should know.

Reading comments on here it would seem some of the harshest critics are those with ND dc who don't have the same challenges as yours who then feel authorised to assert that it's your poor parenting as their ND dc doesn't do these things.

It’s not so much that everyone in neurodiverse, but any group of people will be neurodiverse. It’s the same as diversity in any other sense of the word ☺️ because everyone’s brains are different. Neurotypical brains are still different from each others so they are diverse, but they share a majority of common characteristics which make them ‘typical’. Neurodivergent brains aren’t on that ‘typical’ spectrum.

We are all Neurodiverse, though; we are not, however, all Neurodivergent.

Children are children, NT does not trump ND and ND doesn't trump NT. Everyone has a reason to complain, ND parents because many NT parents really don't grasp how hard life with a ND child can be and NT parents because many ND parents expect the world to revolve around their child's needs and limitations.

One of the most important things I have learned as the parent of a ND child is to not be rigid in my parenting. You must parent to the needs of your child, not according to some set of preconceived ideas.

the truth is this is the reality for all children. All children deserve parenting curated just for them, even NT children.

I don't understand this comment. It says that the spectrum is wide and the children diverse in the post!

Yup. I used to hate myself so much and then I had a NT child and was like ohhh… so this is what it could be like! And also, kind of nice to confirm it’s not because of me. I’m also a SAHM. Mumsnet will make me feel so shit about that. I don’t actually have much choice.

wtf we don’t expect the world to revolve around our kids 😂 it’s just constant pain

I’m always nervous of being judged a bad parents because my child isn’t developing typically, mostly by other parents, so I get it OP. And I agree that parents to NT children do and should enter the chat when we are talking about raising ND children and how they are treated in educational settings. Surely by now we all know someone who is ND, and certainly there are more people out there than they know themselves who are also ND, just not diagnosed and totally unaware. The one thing that gets me the most actually is much of the bad behaviour in schools is coming from so-called typically developing children. Much of bullying comes from NT children too as they often know how to socially navigate the complexities of targeting another child using verbal manipulation etc.

I find a lot of people on here worryingly quick to blame SEN children for ruining their perfect little darlings education when all children should have equal access to education, when in reality it’s always the disabled having to accommodate the needs of the non-disabled. It’s as simple as having a child’s needs met in a setting, but that seems to be the crux of the issue. It’s not a one size fits all situation. You can’t force a square peg into a round hole.

I wouldn't let my ND son get away with things either, but I absolutely did not "come down hard" on him.

Tried it a few times, it backfired majestically, and I had twice the faff to deal with.

There are ways and means of parenting ND children and a lot of it is about forethought and thinking about what was likely to happen.

If I could avoid the triggers then I definitely would, but if I couldn't, then I said "we need to do xyz today but you won't like it because blah blah, so what should we do to get xyz done?"

I found that worked.

But if it hadn't, I would have tried a different approach.

They are all different in their quirky little lives.

Yes, this.

For those asking how ND kids go on to manage in an adult world, the adult world is vastly different from childhood and the rigidity of school due to power and autonomy.

As an adult I can WFH, work flexitime, work in a low stimulation environment, work in an area associated with my specialist interest, I could work in a creative role or become self-employed. I can choose what I want to eat, what I want to wear, who I want to socialise with...

Compare that to school with all of its demands and fixed ways of being. Most schools offer more or less the same thing. Think about any school you or your child has experienced. Much the same.

But jobs and adult lives can look vastly different. 9-5 office job vs self-employed art therapist. Veterinary nurse vs train driver. Freelance website creator vs electrician.

There's lots of scope in adulthood to move away from the things you hate and find a space to thrive.

“Coming down hard” on a kid who is seriously struggling is never going to work.

Argh not other ASD bashing thread. You're lucky @messymummy5. If you've met one kid with ASD, then you've met one kid with ASD. It presents differently in all kids and don't count on your kids behaviour being down to your parenting. If it's that simple, tell me where I'm going wrong. We have a 4yo. He's been aggressive since he was 18 months, we have ups and downs but despite trying every piece of parenting advice, punishment, consequence - nothing changes. We have been seeing a psychologist for 9 months, trying different parenting techniques, guess what, nothing changes. We leave tried everything. And you know what it's bloody hard, exhausting, relentless all of the time. You're lucky you to have to experience that. Here's a typical day - get up for school. DS has extreme fussiness about food. He will not eat if he's hungry, he'd rather starve. He will only eat 1 type of bread, on a particular plate. He is extremely fussy about clothing and usually the kicking starts whilst we get dressed. He doesn't want to go to school, or leave the house most of the time. All transitions are hard. I dread the school run. Usually that involves, crying, hitting, pulling my hair. School is the only respite. When we pick him up, he is usually wiped out from holding it together all day. When we get home we deal with the food fussiness. He also hates going to the toilet, has chronic constipation, hates washing, or anything to do with his hair and takes 2 hours to fall asleep because he's so wired. Most nights he ends up pooing his pants. It's exhausting, all consuming and drains me of all my energy. So sure if you can tell me how to magically parent these things away because I'm doing a terrible job, let me know.
What your friends probably need is a less judgemental friend and someone that can understand how hard it is. You will see a fraction of what's really going on.

All of this. You also need to remember that we’re talking about children. A lot of adults can’t actually help with these things. I’d love to share some links to show how painful a lot of these children find certain sounds and sights and how much harder their lives are. If you see a kid ‘behaving badly’ and you find it a bit awkward or eye rolling then thank your lucky stars.

Also think I may step away from this thread for a bit. It’s exhausting and upsetting and none of us wanted our kids to be like this.

50% of people are predicted to get cancer...is cancer not real then?

I haven't seen that thread for a while but I used to sleep in a cupboard so that my two didn't have to share :).

My idiotic BIL with two very neurotypical DDs used to say that he'd look after my DS for a week and solve all the problems :/

I've only come across this once when a relative's partner could just not get his head around the fact you cannot discipline an autistic child in the same way. But then he's the type that would, when told a vegetarian was coming for dinner, just fish out the meaty bits and serve them what's left.

Well I understand what you're saying but my DSs are 20 and 22 now and when it's just us and there's no interference from other family members (which is mostly how it is now that my parents are no longer with us) we get along really well.

Youngest is at uni 3 hours away (which I hate) and eldest seems to have moved back in with me after living with his dad for the past nine years. He has dropped out of education and work but he has gone from being really difficult to being a really decent young man who cuddles me several times a day.

My PDA child's life will still be impacted in adulthood, as it's a life long disability. Some things will probably be harder then during childhood, but other things will be easier.

Making her own choices and being in control generally makes things easier for her, so as an adult she'll be happier when she can buy & cook her own food and doesn't need an adult to take her places. She will also just be able to leave places when she feels over stimulated instead to having to try and explain to a care giver that she's not coping.

I imagine she will have to be quite selective about what job/career she goes into. I don't think she would do well in an environment with hand on management, but would do well in something with flexible time and more results driven, as she likes the feeling of achieving and doing things well. At the minute I'm working on getting her the best education she can manage so she's more likely to be able to be choose a job that fits her when she's older.

Hmm almost as if they are coming on here for support when they face challenges. By your logic, for the mumsnet population, 99% of marriages are failing, 99% of people are looking after elderly parents with dementia, 99% of people don't know where to go on holiday.

I am yet to read a thread where someone posts to say that none of their appliances broke, everyone at work parked reasonably and no one tried to scam them.

Some parents of ND children really do, you may not but some do. Some parents of NT children think the world should revolve around their child also.

My autistic kid is far higher functioning and well behaved (literally the perfect child) than my non autistic kid.

Its not my 'amazing' parenting thats turn him out as the 'perfect' child (scoring 9s and every teachers favorite etc...) its actually just symptoms of his type of autism which makes him very unemotional (unwavering calm), quiet (doesn't talk unless he feels he has something worthwhile to add) and logical/practical (functional and very hardworking... sees a task, they way to do it and just does it).

Its pretty ignorant to think its just because of more wonderful parenting than everyone else.

Autism is a label but its not all alike at all, its a comorbidity of conditions some that have little effect and some that have devastating effects. Some Autistic people will live in care forever (no matter how strict their parents are) never reaching independence where as others (like my DS) will live perfectly normal lives with just mild inability to read social cues etc...

Being lucky to be the latter is not the same as being better.