To emphasise that neurotypical kids have different needs to neurodiverse kids

[DevilledEgg]

I mean of course I'm not unreasonable. I'm just sick of seeing comments on here (everywhere actually, but I'm here the most) from perfect parents basically saying "well my neurotypical kids slept through the night by 1/share rooms fine/no not to hit their baby brother/eat what's offered etc etc so there's no reason your kids can't"

Telling parents of disabled children that they're shit parents because their DISABLED children don't behave like non disabled children is so fucking destructive.

And it happens all the fucking time

😭

Oop, hang on... another one

everyone is neurodiverse

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As a parent carer I am fully aware of spectrums of disability

@Nursingadvice but I think that's the point. Is it not ableist to assume that ND children can't be manipulative, or lazy, or lie at times? The same as all other children. My DD struggles with school attendance at times, some of it is burn out, tiredness, being overwhelmed etc. Sometimes she just doesn't fancy it. I can't let her stay home just because she's ND.
It may not be you but there are parents who do not feel they need to parent their ND children at all. Letting them eat five cupcakes because they don't want to say no to them. It just causes unhappy kids, in the long term.

Yes but what comes with 'giving the bears a bit of awareness', is obviously the frustration that you and other MNetters with ND kids end up feeling.

I'm not telling anyone where they should/shouldn't post btw, but some boards on this forum are worse than others even if they do get more traffic.

It's the quality v quantity argument I guess.

I hope you guys don't mind me asking a question about your children, I don't have any experience of ND so I don't mean to offend.

For those of you whose kids have PDA type ASD, how will your children adapt in to adulthood? Going to school, and then in to employment, comes with demands from other people.

I know your children are still young, but from the info you have, is adulthood expected to be easier on them, or might the struggles get worse as they go in to a demanding world?

Again, I hope I've worded this correctly and not upset anyone.

it makes me sick. It is the arrogance. The sheer arrogance and snideness of parents of NT children. I wouldn’t be short in telling them where to go and how uneducated they are being. My nephew is ND and I want to punch a lot of “well meaning” people and their comments. They do not have a single clue.

I think there are many things in life where you will sadly experience ignorance from others, until they experience it themselves or have a reference point in their lives. I have heard this from parents of ND children, where they are suddenly dealing with behaviours or a diagnosis that they never imagined and they have to suddenly teach themselves everything - whereas previously they were just cruising through life.

I think it’s unfair to assume that parents with NT children don’t have many challenges. My dd is well behaved but that doesn’t mean that she hasn’t had moments in her life where she has been very very difficult.

I understand your frustration - we need more empathy as people overall, and we need to listen to those that have different experiences to us.

The op I answered was saying her child is polite, well behaved etc due to good parenting. I was making a point, that no amount of good parenting will stop some children from having meltdowns, or demonstrating behaviours at times that are not deemed as polite or well behaved. They do not have the capacity to respond in that way to that kind of parenting style.

Personally mine has got easier with age in some ways (and an amazing school) but adult life is a huge worry. I can’t imagine them working a traditional job.

@Nursingadvice I don't mean to be offend. I don't think they are lesser parents or anything, can see they are generally doing their best and really struggling. Who knows, maybe I'll struggle more when he's a teen.

I've just seen some cases, for example a friend of mine where her ND children (aged 7 and 8) are so aggressive and rude to her, spit in her face etc, and she's so gentle and kind. They have no real consequences and they are very spoilt tbh and they walk all over her. I look after them sometimes without her and though they are challenging they do not act with me the way they act with her, they can behave to an extent when they want to. I do personally think though they are challenging, things could improve if she was a bit more assertive etc

They probably have really shit lives, ffs

To be fair this can be true of NT kids too, in fact my two ND kids eat almost anything and my youngest who is NT will refuse 90% of what I put in front of her and I'm confident she would starve herself if I tried to make her

@worrywilma unfortunately a lot of them won't cope. My Autistic child is now 18 mute, arfid, anxiety through the roof doesn't leave the house, can't even go in the garden.
Main stream education & has GCSEs - huge amount of support in place to achieve this though. Changed my job, to be available again any time etc.
Tried 6th form college & within 3 months burnout from masking trying to cope.
Professionals now think it unlikely they will ever live independently

I’ve wondered this too.

To say nd kids aren’t impacted by parenting is asinine. Every person on earth is impacted by parenting or the lack of it

the whole point about neurodiverse kids is they are diverse. Some of them are polite and pliable (like my DD), some are rebellious, angry and oppose every rule in the book (like my DS). it really pisses me off when people think it’s their parenting that makes their child polite or not. And all the other things. The judgement is one of the hardest parts for me.

I think the 'what next?' question is one we all ask ourselves.
I push my daughter to be as independent and to do as many things as her peers as she can. I listen and hear her, but I am honest that the world will not always adapt for her. Some of my friends see this as cruel I think, I'm not shaming her or punishing her for her neurodivergence, but I want her to develop coping strategies and resilience (which I know is a dirty word in the ND world)

Will she turn around and resent me for it? Well maybe. But I don't think this is any different to all the other decisions we mums question ourselves about (work, no work, stay together, split up, private or state etc)

In terms of the other way of doing things, I have friends who do very low demand parenting. Well I do admire the patience. But part of me thinks 'when do your children learn that they can't keep punching people in the face to get their needs met?' And this behaviour does not seem to resolve, and they do not seem to develop any sort of regulation or skills to cope.
However, In the scenario of school anxiety, sometimes these children just need a break and some time to recover, but some (maybe even most) never go back to formal education and I wonder what then? But having been in that situation I would not judge the parents, nor the child. It truly is an epidemic at present. And that kind of proves that it is not one type of parent who 'allows' school avoidance.

@WallaceinAnderland

No. We are have a brain but not everyone is neurodivergent.

Again this is Another saying EVERYONE likes to dish out.

Agree!

This thread is so full of nonsense. My head hurts.

All NT kids have different needs too.

@worrywilma

Again in the nicest way. Everyone is very different

Some may not be able to ever work
Some may be able to dip in an out with job breaks if burnout occurs. Many nd people are so good at giving people what they want to hear they can get through an interview. It's the demands of the job that is the sticking point.

Some people can work part time or from home.

Some are amazing at work and high flyers.

Some are actors entrepreneurs creatives Some work in Costa.

However often is will be that if some is amazing at work they often wont carry that over to other life areas. House work. Feeding themselves well and so on.

My dd burnt out of school. She passed GCSEs with no revision. Just her long term memory.
She had a good friendship group but it got too much and she left sixth form before taking her exams.
However she is super brave and pushing herself to try new things. She currently works part time in two jobs. Ones in the arts and one in retail.
She is coping well now.
The rewards of salary and learning something she has an interest in keep her happy (unlike school) plus her art boss is kind and also ND so understands (unlike school)

Maybe she will burn out again one day. She still struggles to feed herself and keep her space tidy She is often late (adhd) she gets irritated easily
She still has struggles but school was an environment that was a step too far.

Each case is individual and therefore different.

Are there autistic children who are raised by parents with excellent parenting skills who still exhibit social poor behaviour? Definitely.

Are there autistic children who show poor social skills whose parents have poor educational skills? Inevitably.

Poor parenting is difficult to define and easy to judge.

Honestly, the only people who really understand it is other parents of ND children - and even some of those fall into the trap of comparing their one child's neurodivergence with all other ND children's type of neurodovergence. There's a couple on this thread. "You still have to have expectations, give them consequences, ensure they know in no uncertain terms that their behaviour is inappropriate". Well, no shit, Sherlock.

I'm currently banging the drum for girls with autism who are otherwise "fine at school". Nice, polite girls who work hard, are respectful of their teachers and appear to the untrained eye, fine. No, they're not. What they're often doing is keeping it all in during school hours and completely melting down at home. My dd has drawn blood in her worst moments, I mean literally. She broke a car seat in half escaping from a restraint belt because her school avoidance was so bad.

You know what made the difference to her? It wasn't chastisement (we tried that, which invariably escalated the situation). It was an understanding of her, the things she finds most difficult and working with her to find ways of managing. It was ignoring (in the moment) being told to fuck off. It was giving her a quiet space and some safe things to do to help her re-regulate. It was then talking to her, after the event, to understand what was going on for her in that moment, explain how it made others feels, and work with her to recognise in herself that she needed to take action before getting to the point where she was smashing or throwing things, launching herself at us with her claws out and calling us fucking idiots. She knows right from wrong and is more often ashamed and remorseful about hurting the people she loves the most.

Guess what? Two years down the line, her levels of anxiety are low, she understands herself better, and she's the loveliest, most determined and most empathetic individual I know. The meltdowns are incredibly rare, we have the strongest relationship. And we got there despite of, not because of, all the people who told us repeatedly "try rewards and consequences" like that had never occurred to us.

People's ignorance on here gives me the absolute rage. Luckily, I found my people on the SEN boards instead! On aibu all you'll get is idiocy asking how autistic people cope in Romania.

Nd isn’t due to faulty parenting but the challenges can be exacerbated by a lack of early intervention and/or ‘faulty parenting’ (though I think that’s quite a damaging word to be using)