We have no bedroom and it's stressful

[Fishandchipsareyum]

Hello

We have a small 2 bedroom house and the girls each need a bedroom as they are both autistic and eldest is a pda and 7 years older than the youngest. The girls don't get on my eldest needs a lock on her door inside so her sister isn't allowed in. We are going to put a little latch on it for her.

We initially thought it was going to be ok, we bought an expensive sofa bed from ikea. It was hideous to sleep on so had to replace with a day bed that pulls out to a double but the sofa is in the way so it can't be moved to pull day bed out ( it's a tiny livingroom also) we have so much stress and we have no adult space and all my clothes are mostly in box's under the day bed. Husband sleeps on a mattress.

Guess I'm just wondering if anyone else has no adult bedroom because the children need a room each.

We can't afford to buy a bigger place. So we are stuck.

All that fits In the living room is the seating and the day bed ( single size pushed in) and a small unit for my things. Tv is on the inbuilt fireplace.

Youngest room is large but awkward so I'm not sure it could be split into 2. There is her bed and toys and books and I need to store towels and husbands clothes in her room.

I just can't help dread getting older in this place. I try and be positive but I feel quite down. I work 24/7 ( minus the sleeping tike lol) and I would have enjoyed a place to call my own bedroom for rest.

I would work on the lounge first. Can you get rid of your sofa so the daybed becomes the sofa, add some more moveable armchairs, can you improve your clothes storage? That would at least give you both a decent space as parents.

The best double sofa beds I've slept on are either the long click clack ones where the mattress is the seat and back, or the IKEA Lycksele type. It's a bit of a crappy sofa but an ok bed, we used it for 3 months during building work but permanent may be a stretch.

Can you sit in the kitchen e.g. two seater sofa and small TV? Maybe a folding dining table.

Then you could have a proper bedroom in the front room downstairs.

That’s what I thought too …

Yes. In London so know a few including me!
mine’s not too bad as am in a 3 bed town house which was the cheapest and only option and the living room is on the 1st floor.
I am single and have three adult DC all at home.
We have a kitchen diner with a small table and hang out there every mealtime.
Can’t afford a 4 bed house. (2nd was twins before anyone comes for me)!
We have two bathrooms too.
So not very helpful except I know about living with no real living space. It is easier as they get older and hang out in their rooms a lot. They respect the fact that my room is my room although I have seats in there and we do sometimes hang out together in my ‘bed sit’.
I have a couple of those big waterproof storage benches outside with all my books and ornaments in. I have NOTHING we don’t need in my house. Not a single mug.
We are happy and it’s fine. I am OK with it and resigned to them all being at home until they’re in their 30s!
I have a friend who lives on a 2 bed houseboat with two older children. Always someone worse off.

Do you have autistic children?

I thought that, too!
Plenty of children share a room and get on, because there is no choice in the matter.

What might solve your problem is a sofa wall bed in the living room. They can be a proper mattress and queen sized. That way, you wouldn't need to dodge a sofa to put the bed down.

I've got a wall bed with a desk for my spare room - amazing! I've now got a functional office and comfortable guest bed all in one.

For some reason I can't attach a photo so a link to show the idea

https://www.wallbed.co.uk/product/comfort-sofa-wallbed/

I’ve seen set ups where they have a double bed with a single bunk over - not ideal but at least then you’d be in a bedroom if room

Could you put up a divider in one of the kids’ rooms so they share but feel like they have each their space? You need your own adult space.

sympathy from here - we are also in a two bedroom and two kids are still sharing, (10 and 8 but girl and boy) and for various reasons it’s really hard for us to move atm.

NC for this but yes we’ve been living like this for years. We have 4 children in a two bedroom, 3 dds and 1ds with severe disabilities. We were lined up to move to a bigger property when I was pregnant with my last dd around 2.5 years ago but circumstances changed and we no longer could and haven’t been able to afford to move since. Our girls share the biggest room, they’re all very young and are still at the stage where they love being all together and my son has the smaller room as he’s completely unable to share. It’s hell so I’m right with you there! I suffered awfully with ppd with my last and still do suffer terribly with my mental health and desperately wish I could have a room of my own to shut myself away sometimes. It is horrible. We are currently sleeping on the most old and uncomfortable mattress which we drag out each night, it’s battered from being moved around day in day out but we just don’t see the point of replacing it as the same will only happen with a new one. We can’t have anything nice for ourselves as we have no space for it. My relationship is suffering. Hopefully we will be able to move in the not so distant future but we probably will have another year of this after giving up our room I think around 3 years ago now. I don’t have any advice but just wanted to say you’re not alone!

I know someone in the same boat who did a partition in their large bedroom to give each child their own small space and they had the second room.

If the layout is right, would something like the bedroom solution at the end of this work? https://www.myscandinavianhome.com/2024/04/a-clever-small-space-hack-in-beautiful.html?m=1 I was really struck with it when I first saw it in the magazine and went looking for it just now because I knew I wouldn't be able to describe it.

We have two neurodiverse boys, no way would they have shared a bedroom (we know from disastrous holidays) and they have a much smaller age gap. I'm sure the OP family have tried the sharing until it became intolerable.

Can’t you rent out your home, and then rent a house that’s got three bedrooms? Probably going to cost a little more, but there will come a time when your dds will become more independent, assuming they’re going to be able to if they are disabled. Maybe living at Uni etc. then you have your two bedroomed for when you can move back.

Apply for DIY SOS or something like that?

This isn't a helpful comment at all!

You could write a self-help book with advice like that! But maybe you should wait to see if you get a nod in the next honours round because then you could use your title in your author’s name.

I really feel for you. I think that this is a real thing at the moment with mortgage interest rises etc. The benefits for your children are of course that as long as you keep paying the mortgage then they have a stable home where you are less likely to need to move. Totally understandable that things have changed to much for you to be able to move atm.

With regards to the expensive sofa bed. Did you think about trying with a more expensive mattress topper? I have an Emma mattress which I didn't like and now have an Eve mattress topper on it which makes such a difference and you can get deep fitted sheets to cover them both. That might be one solution.

And then yes to putting storage in the loft with a proper loft ladder might also help. If not for just putting up winter or summer clothes or maybe having a good sort out to get things out of the way so the house feels bigger.

Just to add that I totally get your kids are autistic so have special needs, but maybe there is a way they could still be ok sharing a room? Sometimes I think we get so hung up on the idea that kids must have each their room it’s a little religious almost.
Globally most kids don’t have their own room it’s just a fact. And just 50-100 years ago most kids in this country didn’t either. A lot of us feel the pressure of society’s expectations that we must provide a certain standard for our kids or we have somehow failed. Lots of kids have their own room and then still have issues or other worries in life. Having your own room isn’t the most important thing in life for kids!

I actually think it’s a lot more important for parents to have their own space and for the family to have a living space to convene in.

I do wonder what people did before there were so many diagnoses. When I was at school it was common to have 5 kids in a 3 bed house… and no way did the parents give up their room! Also when I was 13/14 we were homeless so had to share a room with my mum and brother, he was only a toddler. There must be people in similar situations where the kids just have to share?

Anyway, not what OP is asking so back to that… I would get a quote for boarding your loft and putting in a window, don’t mention it’s for a bedroom - just an extra room for storage and you like daylight 🤣 Or, reconfigure upstairs to 3 small rooms. and try and get a loan or something for it. Wish you all the luck. 🍀

My husband and I slept on the sofa for several years. We had the best futon we could afford. Our son had one bedroom and the two girls (3 years apart) had the other. We were very strict with ourselves about putting the bed away on school days - it went away as soon as the alarm went off. But at weekends everyone would join us and we would have breakfast in bed. It wasn't easy and when we had the opportunity to have another bedroom we jumped at the chance.

OP is there really no way that they can share?

Can you have enclosed cabin-type bunks built?

Controversial but why not move both girls to the smallest bedroom and designate it only for sleeping, like a dormitory.

You then move back to the big bedroom and have a lot of storage in there. If one DD needs her own space then split DDs up between the small bedroom and the living room.

You cannot pour from an empty cup.

Really really try to pinpoint what you can do to address their specific needs. So put them in the smallest room... but no toys in there, no getting changed in there. They can use the bathroom or the big bedroom for that. Use enclosed bunks, personal TV screens, curtains, headphones, clever lighting, whatever, to make that small bedroom into a little dormitory for your DDs. You need your own space, privacy and sleep!!

What if you and DH move into your younger daughter’s room, then your living room can become her bedroom? She can have a single bed as a daybed/sofabed/fold down, and some built in storage, but it would be easier to combine with a living space than your bedroom. If she needs quiet time during the day, she could be allowed to use your room. By the time she’s too old for that to be viable, your older daughter will be about old enough to move out (this set up really isn’t sustainable when there are four adults in the house). Then your younger daughter can move up into the bedroom and you can reclaim the living space solely as living space.

Actually, yes ! The bigger bedroom is a bit bigger than the living room. Thanks for the suggestion.

The trouble with Murphy’s beds is you need to have the floor space to have a sofa as well.

We slept in the living room for about 6 or 7 years so I understand.

I didn’t want to have a bed in the living room so we had various sofa beds. Some very expensive. I think the most comfortable was a good quality futon. But we had to turn it every night and it was heavy. Having somewhere to store the bed linen is also key.

I also think if you can add a floor plan (when allowed) that someone clever might be able to come up with a plan.