Stepsons mum & my partner

[Davidson89]

I’ve had to name change of this as there are people on here who know me IRL.

I’m looking for some insight as to whether I’m being unreasonable and what to do about my partner’s manner in which he speaks to me and deals with disagreements.

We are both late 30s with a 4 year old DD. Partner has a 13 year old son and we have been together 8 years. Partner and DSS mum were never actually together but he’s been very involved in his life the entire time, pays well over the amount of money he should be, seeing him EOW, holidays split etc. He did see him more regularly up until 5 years ago but his mum put a stop to it as it was deemed disruptive to him all the back and forth.

For context, DSS mum absolutely hates me. I have no idea why as like I said they were never together, I was never the other woman and I have always been kind to her son. However from the second my partner and I got together she tried to make things difficult eg distrupting their schedules, asking partner to drop things and coming running when she knew we had plans. When I fell pregnant and DSS was understandably finding the change tough she turned up at our home shouting abuse on the doorstep. She also tried to turn DSS against his dad which resulted him not seeing his dad at all for a while. It was awful for everyone and tbh ruined my pregnancy.

Anyway, things on the whole have calmed down a lot but DSS mum will continue to try to disrupt the schedule. We are happy for a bit of flexibility of course but it’s all the time and it’s hard as we both work full time and have a toddler ourselves and our lives require planning and organising. Every month it’s can you have him extra, can he stay an extra night (often an hour before he’s due to go back to mum’s) which can’t make DSS feel very good or reassured. We wouldn’t mind doing this but the flexibility is never reciprocated for example we asked to swap a weekend for my birthday with 3 months notice to be told no. We asked to drop DSS back an hour early as we had to take DD to a hospital appointment and she kicked up a huge fuss.

Partner and I have just come to blows over the phone as yet again she’s asked for an extra night. She will try to offload DSS at any opportunity and we know this as on her weekends she gets her parents to take him or he goes to sleepovers. He told us this- so that’s fact. I don’t want to seem petty but why are we doing favours for her when she can never help us? And when she caused so much stress and upset. For context, she does no drop off or pick up, my partner pays for rugby club, school dinners and most of his clothes. And we (jointly) pay to take him on holidays/meals out/treats. His mum doesn’t pay for anything apart from basic bed and board

However, partner speaks to me awfully when I try to explain how I feel and how this seems unfair. He just thinks well it’s my son so what? And I do get that to an extent but he has myself and our DD too and it feels like DSS mum just calls the shots and has a huge influence over our lives and routines. He just shouted at me and said if I want to get anywhere I need to “stop this”. He then hung up.

I feel so stuck and that my feelings are not important or valid.

I think if your DH can facilitate requests to have his son outside the normal schedule, then he should.

If facilitating this needs your direct involvement by having to do drop offs/collections/solo care of your DSS and you are unwilling, then your DH will need to sort that.

But overall, good on your DH for wanting to see his DS as much as possible.

And while it may well be going a favour for his ex, think of the feelings of your DDS.

If dad doesn’t mind paying more and doing more then it’s not your place to begrudge it. It’s annoying for you that the last minute requests are disruptive. It’s annoying for your DH that you don’t love his son more. It also sounds like that’s the block on you “getting anywhere”, which I assume means marriage and/or a happier future together.

Gosh okay. No im not bitter or resentful that’s really unfair. As I said in my post I’m happy to have him he’s no bother but what I’m not happy about is constant changes which of course impact everyone in our household. And to be honest, the lack of routine must really affect DSS. I can imagine when he’s packed up to go back to mum’s to be told an hour before “oh you’re staying here tonight now” he must be thinking what? Why?

With regards the comment about paying, I don’t begrudge this. And infact I pay for a lot of things for him too including a holiday for example. I was merely mentioning the uneven balance

@StormingNorman where does my post say anything about love? Or lack of? My post is nothing to do with my stepson himself it’s to do with the actions of his mum (and my partner)

@AmpleRaven well not towards my stepson he’s lovely. But perhaps then you’re picking that up from how his mum (and my partner) treat me

YANBU to be frustrated but of course your partner will accept any change that mean he gets his son more, and that’s fair enough. You chose to have children with someone who had a child already and that means the bio mum is in your life.

It’s hard. I am in a similar situation in that my husband had a child with someone he wasn’t with and she still treats me like the other woman (it was before we even met) and their child now lives with me. his bio mum is incredibly difficult and we communicate only by message to minimise impact.

I would just swallow the changes and support your DSS but would be clear on boundaries. When DSS lived with his mum initially my husband would answer the phone to her no matter what we were doing and where we were and that wasn’t sustainable. We agreed if it was after 10pm he would send a message to say: ‘is DSS okay? If so then we can speak tomorrow but if not then let me know what’s wrong and I will call.’ As otherwise she would just call to create issues or to have the control knowing he would answer (part of the reason I no longer agree to phone calls).

I can understand your frustration but your partner sees his son 4 days per month! And you're moaning when he has to stay an extra night! Don't take your resentment out on the child.
He'll soon be 18 and you won't have to deal with her. Be the bigger person, your partner has 2 children not 1.

Thank you for your replies. @Diarygirlqueen yes 4 days a month which isn’t a lot but we did have him more and this was stopped by mum (her choice, we didn’t get a say). So to cut contact when it suits her to then ask for extra days again when it suits her just seems not on.

We are happy to have him more but it would be better if we had set days so everyone including DSS knew what was happens. As it stands she only wants us to have him last minute when she wants a night out or can’t be bothered being a mum that day

Your partner paying more than the bare minimum and looking after his own child isn’t doing her a favour.

She doesn’t owe you help. Her child’s father owes it to both of them to be a decent parent.

I feel like this is becoming a bashing thread. My partner is a decent parent. He doesn’t ‘owe’ her anything nor does she ‘owe’ anything to us. This is just about being fair and trying to be respectful so everyone can get on with their lives without constant disruption and no one knowing where they stand. And also if one party is flexible and accommodating why can they same courtesy not be extended both ways?

To summarise…i have no issue with my stepson. I have no issue with him coming to us more often. As mentioned we used to have him more and this was stopped and we had no choice. I have no issue with what my partner pays. I am not bitter.

i am simply looking for advice on how to deal with this lack of structure and the way my partner speaks to me

@SometimesCalmPerson and for what it’s worth I’d say helping her out and accommodating her demands and distrupting plans including having to leave work early for non emergencies is doing her a favour. Yes it’s his son but they have a schedule if she’s changing her to suit herself I’d say that’s a favour. If he was asking to come over off his own back then fine that’s different but he’s not

I just really feel for your stepson, reading this.

I wonder what he wants? He deserves a say, having been messed around and being seemingly inconvenient to his mum. Suggest your DH starts by talking to him and comes back to you to discuss. And then he approaches the mum with a plan.

I get that it's unsettling because she's making last minute changes. I get that it might feel that your are living with her whims or that she's dictating what happens in your life. It's bloody hard being a step parent. I think every day DSS stays with you I'd count as a win. Its time he's building a better relationship with his dad, you and his sibling. DSS is 13. He isn't going to want to spend time with you soon. He'll want to be out and about with his mates soon enough. I'd use this time to really enjoy his company and build nice happy memories.

If DP is taking to you rudely, dismissively, abruptly that's a different issue. I imagine he feels guilty that he doesn't see his son as often as he would like. I imagine he's a bit frustrated with the was his childs mother treats him as well but feels a bit powerless to change things. Is he bad at communicating about other things or just contact with his son?

Honest, I wouldn't be a step parent for all the tea in China.

I think the problem is that your DH doesn’t seem to see it as accommodating her demands but as doing right by his son. So every time you get angry about the situation, he takes the criticism as unreasonable. And then you fight.

When you’ve both had a chance to calm down, you need to have a quiet conversation where you acknowledge he’s just trying to do the right thing, but also express that as a family you need to find a way to get his ex to be less of an issue, because you have two children between you and both have jobs, and she cannot be allowed to dictate your schedule on a whim.

Now, maybe that means going to court and increasing the amount of time DSS spends at your house so she can plan her nights out and hobbies a bit better around that. Maybe it means that when your DSS turns 14, you look at whether he would prefer to live at yours and see less of his mum, if her behaviour is impacting his self-esteem as you suggest it might. Maybe it just means that your DH has to learn to calmly stand up to her and reset expectations, but he’s had 13 years of dancing to her tune so it will likely take a while for him to get there.

In the meantime, don’t expect her to accommodate any requests you make. Accept that you can celebrate your birthday on whichever day you choose, rather than having to go somewhere on the day of. And agree a path forward with DH that has you presenting a united front against her attempts to exact revenge via her child.

I don't know about a decent dad. He didn't bother to fight it when his ex decided to reduce contact.

I agree I feel sorry for my stepson too. Like I said up thread imagine being all set to go back to mum to be told last min plans have changed?!! No explanation

When we asked to drop him off a couple of hours early to take DD to a hospital appointment his mum said no, kicked up a huge stink even although he has his own key and can be left alone for an hour. Imagine saying your own son can’t come back to his home?

As for my partner, he’s a clever guy who does usually communicate well but when it comes to this he’s very touchy. My concern is his lack of regard for my views as his partner and an unwillingness to compromise

Sounds like you have a DP problem. I get how he wants to 'protect' his son but he needs to remember he has TWO children to consider. Pandering to sons mum is doing no-one any favours. He needs to have your back & set boundaries.

Hi OP

I agree with @PeriPeriMam.

Your 13 year old is old enough to express his preferences, which may include not being messed about and spending a greater amount of time with you and DP.

Maybe it’s time to speak to DP about increasing the amount of time DSS has with you, and for DP to discuss this with him. It may be that now DSS is older and his mother’s life has evolved, some of the requests are to accommodate her going out with a wider circle of friends and she would then not need to keep changing things - something which, I agree, can’t be very nice for him and is unnecessarily disruptive. I do take your point about it seeming deliberate and, indeed, it may have been as this is a well-known control tactic in shared custody. But is it just possible that now she really does have more opportunities but is clinging on to the status quo because a) she doesn’t want to be seen as a neglectful mother, b) she doesn’t want to give your DP anything extra and c) she does enjoy pulling the strings!

If that results in less chopping and changing that would be better for you, DP and DSS.

Hope you can get things sorted.

You need to remember this is about the child, not about his mum. Sometimes it is really tough to do this but from what you describe it sounds like he is probably already quite aware of being passed from pillar to post. Support your DH to be the best dad he can be to both of his children.

Op you will get a bashing here because you are a stepparent and MN hates stepparents and indeed blended families in general. Haven't read all the replies but if we are playing a game of MN bingo then 'you knew he had a child before you got together' will pop up soon if it hasn't already.

You don't sound bitter or resentful at all, you sound annoyed than an ex (not even an ex by the sounds of it) has control over your lives.

When you have work, a child of your own and the routines that go with those things then it's disruptive and inconvenient when the other party can't stick to plans and expects you to pick up the slack. Most people here have very little tolerance for flaky friends or family members but clearly in this case it's fine.

What is most concerning is the fact your Dh is being angry towards you about it when his frustration should really be directed at the waste of space mother of his child. However in his defence he is probably trying his best to be there for his son knowing full well his mother is unreliable and disinterested so I guess he's stuck in the middle.

If you kick up a fuss over this then your DSS will suffer and so will your relationship with your dh. However I would prepare for the unexpected and have contingency plans in place. For example if you and Dh are having a night out and suspect she might pop up and insist dss comes that night, could your parents or babysitter for your dd look after him too? Be one step ahead so that her deliberate attempts to derail your plans aren't going to be a problem.

Other than that I guess it's important to note that your dh is trying to be a good father to his son which is encouraging.