Stepsons mum & my partner

[Davidson89]

I’ve had to name change of this as there are people on here who know me IRL.

I’m looking for some insight as to whether I’m being unreasonable and what to do about my partner’s manner in which he speaks to me and deals with disagreements.

We are both late 30s with a 4 year old DD. Partner has a 13 year old son and we have been together 8 years. Partner and DSS mum were never actually together but he’s been very involved in his life the entire time, pays well over the amount of money he should be, seeing him EOW, holidays split etc. He did see him more regularly up until 5 years ago but his mum put a stop to it as it was deemed disruptive to him all the back and forth.

For context, DSS mum absolutely hates me. I have no idea why as like I said they were never together, I was never the other woman and I have always been kind to her son. However from the second my partner and I got together she tried to make things difficult eg distrupting their schedules, asking partner to drop things and coming running when she knew we had plans. When I fell pregnant and DSS was understandably finding the change tough she turned up at our home shouting abuse on the doorstep. She also tried to turn DSS against his dad which resulted him not seeing his dad at all for a while. It was awful for everyone and tbh ruined my pregnancy.

Anyway, things on the whole have calmed down a lot but DSS mum will continue to try to disrupt the schedule. We are happy for a bit of flexibility of course but it’s all the time and it’s hard as we both work full time and have a toddler ourselves and our lives require planning and organising. Every month it’s can you have him extra, can he stay an extra night (often an hour before he’s due to go back to mum’s) which can’t make DSS feel very good or reassured. We wouldn’t mind doing this but the flexibility is never reciprocated for example we asked to swap a weekend for my birthday with 3 months notice to be told no. We asked to drop DSS back an hour early as we had to take DD to a hospital appointment and she kicked up a huge fuss.

Partner and I have just come to blows over the phone as yet again she’s asked for an extra night. She will try to offload DSS at any opportunity and we know this as on her weekends she gets her parents to take him or he goes to sleepovers. He told us this- so that’s fact. I don’t want to seem petty but why are we doing favours for her when she can never help us? And when she caused so much stress and upset. For context, she does no drop off or pick up, my partner pays for rugby club, school dinners and most of his clothes. And we (jointly) pay to take him on holidays/meals out/treats. His mum doesn’t pay for anything apart from basic bed and board

However, partner speaks to me awfully when I try to explain how I feel and how this seems unfair. He just thinks well it’s my son so what? And I do get that to an extent but he has myself and our DD too and it feels like DSS mum just calls the shots and has a huge influence over our lives and routines. He just shouted at me and said if I want to get anywhere I need to “stop this”. He then hung up.

I feel so stuck and that my feelings are not important or valid.

Given his mother, in your shoes I’d be welcoming him every single time so he knew that he was always wanted with at his dad and sister’s family home

I’m guessing you dug your heels in and your DSS didn’t come yesterday

Why did your boyfriend not bother to sort contact with a court order? That's basic, bare minimum thing that would have meant he could parent his kid and shown he cares.

You shouldn't be with a man who shouts at you, does he make your life better, easier and fun?

Actually that’s a good point
id not considered that
during all the years when he wasn’t able to see his son very much because of the ex… he was never motivated to address the issue legally?

@Bestthriller where are you getting yesterday from? It wasn’t for yesterday. Where are you getting these assumptions from?

So she has given notice?
because you said it was generally very last minute

@Dror i agree. I told him to take her to court and get something formal put in place but he hates rocking the boat with her for whatever reason. Hence how he gives her to all her demands and I’m writing this thread. I suspect he thought she would withhold contact altogether. Also, we know now although only suspected back then there was an element of parental alienation. If a court asked him if he wanted to see dad he may have said no (under her influence). The change in contact was after a really tricky period where she was being very difficult with us

@Bestthriller it was for Wednesday night

but he hates rocking the boat with her for whatever reason

to the extent that he went years hardly seeing his son

So a good few days notice
and he will walk from school, have dinner, do his homework, play on his phone, go to bed and get himself off to school the next day.

and yet you decided to cause a stink about it

im hoping you’ve authorised the visit?

Swathes of men out there who merrily leaves the drudgery of child rearing to their exes. The next girlfriends get told they 'can't' parent their kid because the mean/psycho ex 'won't let them' [weh]

Possibly a bleat about 'too expensive' to go to court, yet they mysteriously have the money to make more kids/car/holidays etc.

I can't understand anyone being attracted to such men.

I think you sound really fair and loving towards SS. It must be having an impact on him - his own mum is treating like an inconvenience. Maybe she is just jealous of your relationship and is trying to make things difficult on purpose.

Can you suggest having SS come live with you and having EOW with his mum (as she seems so keen on him going to other family members or friends on what should be her weekend)? His stability in life should be the main concern here and he should feel loved and welcome at his homes (especially at the home where he spend the majority of time). Otherwise he’ll just feel like no one wants him.

Did mum cut the hours so she could claim more CS?

Everyone would benefit from a better routine - particularly DSS and your DC.

@Bestthriller are you serious? Are you reading my post. No it was for Wednesday. I posted the day before so not a few days notice.

Why are you assuming he walks from school. He doesn’t. We drive him to/from. Why are you making assumptions as to what his routine at ours is like? You have literally no idea what our day to day life and routines are like. The fact you are so forceful and rude on this thread is baffling. Stop with the assumptions

@Toooldtorave thank you.

I’ve suggested all this but she doesn’t want to. I suspect it’ll be because if this is his primarily residence she’ll have to pay us and her benefits will be affected (she chooses not to work)

on the back of this thread i also suggested to my partner about upping contact but on fixed days as a better way of knowing where we all stand. That way DSS can come more but we at least all know when. He hasn’t acknowledged this idea as he’s been giving me the silent treatment all week

Because you said you live 10 mins away from his mother

so she usually drives him and collects him?

why can’t you make him feel welcome given you seem very very of the opinion his mother wants little to do with him

Agreed

but this one is now at least trying to make amends

but unfortunately has a partner trying to sabotage that

So go to court and get it set

So did he stay? Or not?

And why are they always "not really together" seriously why are you going in unprotected

He doesn't sound a decent person full stop

I think you’re concentrating too much on mum, her behaviour and her dislike of you.

This poor lad is 13, only sees his dad 4 days a month (your DH could have gone to court for more, any excuses for not doing so are just that) and according to you has a mum that does her best to ship him off on her weekends and a step mum that gets annoyed when he stays any extra days with his dad.

Yes, blended families can be tricky to navigate. Trying to co-parent with awkward ex partners can be frustrating but speaking as someone that grew up in a step family and didn’t feel welcome in either home, it’s fucking awful and really messed me up.

In the next couple of years he’s going to start becoming really independent so, as you say he is a lovely lad, I’d be doing everything I could to make sure he knew he was welcome in your home with his dad and sister whenever he wanted. His relationship with his mum and her parenting choices are between them. You and DH can choose to be better than that, support DH to be the best father he can be to both of his children. That’s what I would do if I chose to enter a relationship with a man that already had a child.

He did see him more regularly up until 5 years ago but his mum put a stop to it as it was deemed disruptive to him all the back and forth.

5 years

5 years!!

He is a pathetic father but at least now he’s trying to increase contact with his son when offered to him. but… oh… after 5 years of barely a relationship with his son, you’re trying to make it difficult for them to forge one

OP. Sorry you’re getting a hard time. As a step parent you’ll automatically get a bashing on here.

Some people just read what they want and make things up and seem to believe that women couldn’t possibly act badly towards their kids and their dads.

It sounds like you’re doing the best you can and encouraging your OH to give the boy some stability.

@Bestthriller you seem weirdly over invested in this thread.

He walk to school from mums as she lives close to school. We are ten mins from her by car. So too far really for him to walk from here given it’s across two dual carriageways too so for that reason he gets a lift.

He did stay, yes.

You are extremely vocal about me apparently stopping them from having a relationship etc. If you look back over my OP and subsequent replies you’ll see me say over and over I don’t have an issue with him being here but it’s more the last minute nature of these requests which disrupt everyone’s routines (including DSS himself) and to accommodate his mother who has been nothing but difficult towards us. A mother who cut contact (prob to be in control) but happy for us to have him on her timetable.

you’ll also see from my most recent update I’ve explained that I’ve suggested to my partner we DO have him more but it would be good to mutually agree days that work for all as opposed to sporadic requests to allow for nights out. That’s not the actions of someone who is supposedly preventing their DSS for coming over. Will all due respect I won’t be replying to you again

Op ypur op outlined a situation where a father and son have barely had a relationship for the last 5 years
Currently they are seeing each other 4 nights a month
the poor boy isn’t wanted by his mother much as he is turfed off to his grandparents always
and occasionally the ex will try to “off load” him on to his father

I would be feeling enormously sorry for this child, and if the mother ever tried to “off load” him, I’d be welcoming him with open arms 1) to Make the boy see that not everyone wants to off load b) so he could spend time with his sister c) because he’s barely spent any time with his father or sister over the last 5 years and i would love the idea of this occasions when the ex wants to off load as an opportunity for closer relations

i would not react with a big argument with my partner when he updated me that we’d been asked to have him the following night (on top of the 4 nights…. A month!)

If you and your partner are at odds then you need to deal with that. It sounds like you communicate with each other poorly - silent treatment, really? How childish, he sounds like an arse.

I think where you got peoples backs up was with this idea that he’s been a brilliant dad (He pays well over the odds! So what? Money can’t buy love). They were never really together (He was together enough to father a child).

He doesn’t have a halo, he barely sees his kid and yet the mum is the bad one? I wouldn’t be surprised if she reduced contact because he’s generally fairly useless. ‘Disruption’ is a common excuse for ‘kid comes home crying all the time because his dad can’t really be arsed when he visits’. Think about it honestly - reduced visits due to disruption and yet she continually disrupts plans? The two don’t make sense do they?

You have a very low view of the mother - stop it please, it totally will filter through to the kid no matter how much you think you disguise it. If you love SS then you will put your feelings aside for him. If you won’t, then you don’t really love him.

Yes changing of plans is annoying… but it’s the least of the issues in this dynamic. Please think hard about how to move forward, because this is toxic for all involved. The poor kid, I really feel for him. If I were you I would be stepping up and making your home feel like his home and support him building a strong bond with your child.