Stepsons mum & my partner

[Davidson89]

I’ve had to name change of this as there are people on here who know me IRL.

I’m looking for some insight as to whether I’m being unreasonable and what to do about my partner’s manner in which he speaks to me and deals with disagreements.

We are both late 30s with a 4 year old DD. Partner has a 13 year old son and we have been together 8 years. Partner and DSS mum were never actually together but he’s been very involved in his life the entire time, pays well over the amount of money he should be, seeing him EOW, holidays split etc. He did see him more regularly up until 5 years ago but his mum put a stop to it as it was deemed disruptive to him all the back and forth.

For context, DSS mum absolutely hates me. I have no idea why as like I said they were never together, I was never the other woman and I have always been kind to her son. However from the second my partner and I got together she tried to make things difficult eg distrupting their schedules, asking partner to drop things and coming running when she knew we had plans. When I fell pregnant and DSS was understandably finding the change tough she turned up at our home shouting abuse on the doorstep. She also tried to turn DSS against his dad which resulted him not seeing his dad at all for a while. It was awful for everyone and tbh ruined my pregnancy.

Anyway, things on the whole have calmed down a lot but DSS mum will continue to try to disrupt the schedule. We are happy for a bit of flexibility of course but it’s all the time and it’s hard as we both work full time and have a toddler ourselves and our lives require planning and organising. Every month it’s can you have him extra, can he stay an extra night (often an hour before he’s due to go back to mum’s) which can’t make DSS feel very good or reassured. We wouldn’t mind doing this but the flexibility is never reciprocated for example we asked to swap a weekend for my birthday with 3 months notice to be told no. We asked to drop DSS back an hour early as we had to take DD to a hospital appointment and she kicked up a huge fuss.

Partner and I have just come to blows over the phone as yet again she’s asked for an extra night. She will try to offload DSS at any opportunity and we know this as on her weekends she gets her parents to take him or he goes to sleepovers. He told us this- so that’s fact. I don’t want to seem petty but why are we doing favours for her when she can never help us? And when she caused so much stress and upset. For context, she does no drop off or pick up, my partner pays for rugby club, school dinners and most of his clothes. And we (jointly) pay to take him on holidays/meals out/treats. His mum doesn’t pay for anything apart from basic bed and board

However, partner speaks to me awfully when I try to explain how I feel and how this seems unfair. He just thinks well it’s my son so what? And I do get that to an extent but he has myself and our DD too and it feels like DSS mum just calls the shots and has a huge influence over our lives and routines. He just shouted at me and said if I want to get anywhere I need to “stop this”. He then hung up.

I feel so stuck and that my feelings are not important or valid.

you seem weirdly over invested in this thread.

you are right there
I feel sorry for the boy
I’ll leave you to it

Her motives are annoying but irrelevant.

The bottom line is that you and your partner are falling out because you are kicking up a fuss about his DS spending more time in his father's home.

Can you see how that makes you look?

Unless the burden of care and transport falls to you, I don't think you should be arguing against this.

Silent treatment is abuse. Aspire for a happy life for yourself and your kid, free of this shouting, abusive boyfriend.

The kid is 13!! He should just be able to go where he likes. Why all the drama. You only live 10 mins apart, and you said no one moved so same town, so he can surely cycle/bus/taxi/walk whatever. Stay in his own house (either one) on his own without the need for babysitters, or planning. It's all really weird to the point that I expect you're just getting spun a yarn about the ex.

When we asked to drop him off a couple of hours early to take DD to a hospital appointment

A couple of hours or one? You mention both. Also, as it's an appointment, why do you both need to go? You take dd, dss stays at your home with his dad. Push comes to shove he comes along and sits in the waiting room. Or stays at your home alone for an hour.

I think most responders are being very unfair to the OP. At no point did she say she didn't want him or finds him inconvenient or anything else negative - she just wants some structure and to know what is happening from day to day. That is not unreasonable. Unfortunately it doesn't matter what the mothers reasonings are - she holds all the cards. It is very unfair and irritating. Perhaps in future when she changes things, DH should be left to accommodate the changes without your input.
I grew up with two older step siblings whose mother made my mother and my sisters lives a misery. We learned as children that they were usually considered more important as we had to drop everything to accommodate them. As adults we have no contact and no desire to.

I get your frustrations. I have 2 stepsons.

I get wanting to have a fixed routine. I like to know what's happening in advance.

I would try and see the positives of seeing your step-son more instead of the frustrations at his mum. She won't change.

I think your suggestion of increasing time is a good option. What does your DH want?

so if SS has been with you over a weekend, are your Sunday evenings really so action packed that him staying or being driven home on Sunday evening really causing that much disruption?
Just arrange meals that can stretch for an additional person - or a portion go in the freezer.

EOW is pitiful tbh, it's really slovenly and neglectful of your partner to accept that. Why hasn't he gone to court for an equal parenting arrangement? I don't think you're reasonable to complain about him having DSS for the odd extra day, even if it's short notice. I haven't much sympathy for the "disruption" you complain of either; kids are disruptive and being a parent does, usually, impact one's daily life. Your partner is the parent of a teenager and he seems to be experiencing comparatively little "disruption" as a result 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP, when my DSS was younger, my frustration was that the ex called the shots and generally had control over our household, due to some of her antics.

I suspect you are feeling the same way? And step mothers always get a pasting on AIBU, it’s national pass-time

Honestly, just view any request to change days as if it is coming directly from DSS. Might be a bit annoying having to change schedule but if he was asking I doubt you’d be so annoyed, and he’s 13 so he could be asking.

You live 10 minutes from each other.

I sympathise with dealing with a difficult bio mum who changes everything at the drop of the hat, we stick firm for video calls and physical contact because she is so unreliable but if DSS wants to speak to her then he does, regardless of schedule. Kids needs come first always. So it’s a balance of his and your joint kids. The rest you make do with as you chose a partner with a child.