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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stepsons mum & my partner

86 replies

Davidson89 · 04/02/2025 19:10

I’ve had to name change of this as there are people on here who know me IRL.

I’m looking for some insight as to whether I’m being unreasonable and what to do about my partner’s manner in which he speaks to me and deals with disagreements.

We are both late 30s with a 4 year old DD. Partner has a 13 year old son and we have been together 8 years. Partner and DSS mum were never actually together but he’s been very involved in his life the entire time, pays well over the amount of money he should be, seeing him EOW, holidays split etc. He did see him more regularly up until 5 years ago but his mum put a stop to it as it was deemed disruptive to him all the back and forth.

For context, DSS mum absolutely hates me. I have no idea why as like I said they were never together, I was never the other woman and I have always been kind to her son. However from the second my partner and I got together she tried to make things difficult eg distrupting their schedules, asking partner to drop things and coming running when she knew we had plans. When I fell pregnant and DSS was understandably finding the change tough she turned up at our home shouting abuse on the doorstep. She also tried to turn DSS against his dad which resulted him not seeing his dad at all for a while. It was awful for everyone and tbh ruined my pregnancy.

Anyway, things on the whole have calmed down a lot but DSS mum will continue to try to disrupt the schedule. We are happy for a bit of flexibility of course but it’s all the time and it’s hard as we both work full time and have a toddler ourselves and our lives require planning and organising. Every month it’s can you have him extra, can he stay an extra night (often an hour before he’s due to go back to mum’s) which can’t make DSS feel very good or reassured. We wouldn’t mind doing this but the flexibility is never reciprocated for example we asked to swap a weekend for my birthday with 3 months notice to be told no. We asked to drop DSS back an hour early as we had to take DD to a hospital appointment and she kicked up a huge fuss.

Partner and I have just come to blows over the phone as yet again she’s asked for an extra night. She will try to offload DSS at any opportunity and we know this as on her weekends she gets her parents to take him or he goes to sleepovers. He told us this- so that’s fact. I don’t want to seem petty but why are we doing favours for her when she can never help us? And when she caused so much stress and upset. For context, she does no drop off or pick up, my partner pays for rugby club, school dinners and most of his clothes. And we (jointly) pay to take him on holidays/meals out/treats. His mum doesn’t pay for anything apart from basic bed and board

However, partner speaks to me awfully when I try to explain how I feel and how this seems unfair. He just thinks well it’s my son so what? And I do get that to an extent but he has myself and our DD too and it feels like DSS mum just calls the shots and has a huge influence over our lives and routines. He just shouted at me and said if I want to get anywhere I need to “stop this”. He then hung up.

I feel so stuck and that my feelings are not important or valid.

OP posts:
beAsensible1 · 04/02/2025 22:44

Davidson89 · 04/02/2025 21:24

Thank you for your replies. @Diarygirlqueen yes 4 days a month which isn’t a lot but we did have him more and this was stopped by mum (her choice, we didn’t get a say). So to cut contact when it suits her to then ask for extra days again when it suits her just seems not on.

We are happy to have him more but it would be better if we had set days so everyone including DSS knew what was happens. As it stands she only wants us to have him last minute when she wants a night out or can’t be bothered being a mum that day

Why doesn’t DH get a say? Has he tried to formalise the agreement so he gets more time?

Kitchensinktoday · 04/02/2025 22:51

YANBU, your DH allows her to control your lives

Poppycock84 · 04/02/2025 23:01

Wow I’m utterly shocked and disgusted at the way you have been spoken to on here after coming looking for support from other mothers. Like a pack of hyenas. I’m so sorry for the behaviour of some so called women who have taken time out of their lives to make you feel worse and not better. They are shameful. A kind loving stepmother like you is the most nurturing kind of mother, more so than someone who just had a kid and is not worthy of being a parent
. Step parenting is way harder than parenting your own child and unless anyone has been one and dealt with all the shit that comes with it they need to keep their mouths tightly shut and eff right off.

as for you, my love - I want to say I see you and I think what you have done til now has been utterly amazing you are an incredible person to be keeping it together under all of that. It’s not right or fair. How incredible for you to be the only one in your picture holding everyone up agains the odds. My advice would be concentrate on yourself and your sweet daughter, your child and give her the happiest most loving mummy she can have because she and your health is your number 1 priority. So is the husband but you can’t work with what he’s giving you. His lack of boundaries is causing problems. Emotionally detach and get strategic about what you want your life to look like for your good health and peace. Come up with tangible actions no matter how big or small like, get a burner phone and keep it in a drawer solely for that communication, which removes her from your lives and YOU BOTH control when and how you communicate. Or ring fence how much time and when you and dh communicate about that topic. The. Come up with rules for aftercare for you both after having contact. Etc Then communicate that with him. Wether he takes it on board and makes any changes or not, what’s most important is that your focus and energy go into you and your baby. Take your life back. Disengage with love if you have to. You have no legal obligation to a step child so It’s lovely that you’re being so kind and loving towards them but truth is they have a life elsewhere, you and your husband are primary carers to YOUR child. Your ss has a primary base elsewhere and naturally is secondary to your lives, practically. Your husband chose his path, support him as much as you can but it’s not for you to pay for it. Trust me, be kinder to yourself. I hope your husband learns quickly to water his own garden before thinking of how to accommodate extended family members. (Anyone who doesn’t live in your family home) good luck sweetheart. Xxx

Bestthriller · 09/02/2025 07:07

Partner and I have just come to blows over the phone as yet again she’s asked for an extra night. She will try to offload DSS at any opportunity

one or the most appalling things I’ve read on mumsnet. Your partner has his son EOW.
The boy’s mother wants to “off load” him and your partner is keen to have him. But you OP want your partner to go back and say “nah, not having him”

Stopping this boy have a night with his father and sister when he only gets to see them for less than a handful of nights a month anyway

shame on you

Bestthriller · 09/02/2025 07:13

She will try to offload DSS at any opportunity and we know this as on her weekends she gets her parents to take him or he goes to sleepovers

but also

He did see him more regularly up until 5 years ago but his mum put a stop to it as it was deemed disruptive to him all the back and forth.

🤔

Bestthriller · 09/02/2025 07:14

In the end, I’m hoping your DSS came op

oakleaffy · 09/02/2025 07:17

PeriPeriMam · 04/02/2025 21:46

I just really feel for your stepson, reading this.

I wonder what he wants? He deserves a say, having been messed around and being seemingly inconvenient to his mum. Suggest your DH starts by talking to him and comes back to you to discuss. And then he approaches the mum with a plan.

I too feel for the poor lad.
Four nights a week is nothing.

He probably doesn’t feel wanted anywhere.

Bestthriller · 09/02/2025 07:18

oakleaffy · 09/02/2025 07:17

I too feel for the poor lad.
Four nights a week is nothing.

He probably doesn’t feel wanted anywhere.

Show quote history

4 nights a month!

Bestthriller · 09/02/2025 07:19

He probably doesn’t feel wanted anywhere.

his dad does want him
sadly his step mum is trying to stop that

movinghouse12 · 09/02/2025 07:21

I found the OP convincing as somehow I imagined it was 50:50 and becoming more like 70:25.

Four nights a month! Wow. Quit complaining. That's barely going to encroach on your life having an extra night here or there.

oakleaffy · 09/02/2025 07:22

Poppycock84 · 04/02/2025 23:01

Wow I’m utterly shocked and disgusted at the way you have been spoken to on here after coming looking for support from other mothers. Like a pack of hyenas. I’m so sorry for the behaviour of some so called women who have taken time out of their lives to make you feel worse and not better. They are shameful. A kind loving stepmother like you is the most nurturing kind of mother, more so than someone who just had a kid and is not worthy of being a parent
. Step parenting is way harder than parenting your own child and unless anyone has been one and dealt with all the shit that comes with it they need to keep their mouths tightly shut and eff right off.

as for you, my love - I want to say I see you and I think what you have done til now has been utterly amazing you are an incredible person to be keeping it together under all of that. It’s not right or fair. How incredible for you to be the only one in your picture holding everyone up agains the odds. My advice would be concentrate on yourself and your sweet daughter, your child and give her the happiest most loving mummy she can have because she and your health is your number 1 priority. So is the husband but you can’t work with what he’s giving you. His lack of boundaries is causing problems. Emotionally detach and get strategic about what you want your life to look like for your good health and peace. Come up with tangible actions no matter how big or small like, get a burner phone and keep it in a drawer solely for that communication, which removes her from your lives and YOU BOTH control when and how you communicate. Or ring fence how much time and when you and dh communicate about that topic. The. Come up with rules for aftercare for you both after having contact. Etc Then communicate that with him. Wether he takes it on board and makes any changes or not, what’s most important is that your focus and energy go into you and your baby. Take your life back. Disengage with love if you have to. You have no legal obligation to a step child so It’s lovely that you’re being so kind and loving towards them but truth is they have a life elsewhere, you and your husband are primary carers to YOUR child. Your ss has a primary base elsewhere and naturally is secondary to your lives, practically. Your husband chose his path, support him as much as you can but it’s not for you to pay for it. Trust me, be kinder to yourself. I hope your husband learns quickly to water his own garden before thinking of how to accommodate extended family members. (Anyone who doesn’t live in your family home) good luck sweetheart. Xxx

Edited

Spoken like the evil stepmother of fairytales.
The poor son isn’t some stranger.

The OP knew he has a child already before choosing to procreate with a father.

oakleaffy · 09/02/2025 07:23

Bestthriller · 09/02/2025 07:18

4 nights a month!

Show quote history

Sorry my mistake- I must have had a Freudian slip ( 4 nights a week would be fairer!)

Eviebeans · 09/02/2025 07:30

Davidson89 · 04/02/2025 21:38

I feel like this is becoming a bashing thread. My partner is a decent parent. He doesn’t ‘owe’ her anything nor does she ‘owe’ anything to us. This is just about being fair and trying to be respectful so everyone can get on with their lives without constant disruption and no one knowing where they stand. And also if one party is flexible and accommodating why can they same courtesy not be extended both ways?

To summarise…i have no issue with my stepson. I have no issue with him coming to us more often. As mentioned we used to have him more and this was stopped and we had no choice. I have no issue with what my partner pays. I am not bitter.

i am simply looking for advice on how to deal with this lack of structure and the way my partner speaks to me

It feels to me as if you have a partner problem (you say he’s a decent parent but he sounds like a rubbish partner to you) and if all else fails there’s a simple solution to that isn’t there. Perhaps you should stop thinking about what your stepson’s mum is doing and think about what you really want. What is the real problem in this situation

arethereanyleftatall · 09/02/2025 07:44

This is all quite strange because he's 13 - old enough ti make his own arrangements with his dad. With regards to the hour earlier drop off - he's 13!! If he can't go home at 3, maybe she had a BF round which is surely allowed, then drop him in town and say don't go home till 4.

You're blaming and getting angry with her op but try and look at things from her pov. She is mostly likely looking out for her sons best interest. Who moved away? It would be disruptive to school and hobbies etc if you live far away. My ex moved away, so our deal was, he comes to my house ti see them rather than make them sit in cars. You've listed what he pays for - you'll find out when yours gets there but there's a billion more things to pay for than what you've listed. Also 'basic board' for a 13 yr old teenage boy who probably eats like a horse is expensive. Paying more that CM is standard.

Also you can't simultaneously say she offloads him all the time whilst he actually only has him 4 days a month!

Bestthriller · 09/02/2025 07:46

@arethereanyleftatall your ex never has his children at his own home and only sees them by coming to you house?

Blueblell · 09/02/2025 07:53

I think given his age it is time to change things a bit and move on from set times for drop off. He has his own key and can be left alone. Over the next few years he should be able to arrange things directly with Dad. If he has a room at your house I would make him feel welcome and slowly let him lead on when he will go home ect. (Obviously Dad has to drive him) It won’t be long before he won’t mind going home to his mum being out and she won’t be able to control your routine.

Newbutoldfather · 09/02/2025 07:55

People are, as ever, very harsh.

OP, I think there is a disconnect about how you feel, which is understandable, as people like certainty and being able to plan, and how your partner feels, which is paternal.

You do need to imagine what it would be like were you to split up and you to be asked to take your child for an extra night. You are hardly going to kick up a fuss and say no.

However unreasonable the request is, when you challenge your partner, he will take it to be devaluing your stepson and get angry.

JLou08 · 09/02/2025 08:09

Your DP is right, it is his son. Having his son isn't about doing his ex favours, it about being a dad. EOW and half the holidays isn't a lot is it? It's less than 50/50. If you want the relationship to work you need to back off. I wouldn't take well to someone telling me I do too much for my own children.

Zanatdy · 09/02/2025 08:10

Your partner sees it as a bonus day with his son. He doesn’t care if his ex is messing him about, he is just glad to have the extra time. The boy is old enough to say how much time he spends where. If it impacts you (eg you have to leave early to drop him off etc) I think you can say something. Otherwise just let it go. Imagine only seeing your son 4 days a month, and you get the opportunity to have 5 and your partner gives you grief over it. The mother’s behaviour isn’t great, but she isn’t going to change. The parents need to sit down with their son and work out what he wants now he is a teenager. It won’t be long until you don’t have to deal with her.

Lyracappul · 09/02/2025 08:36

Surely you can leave a 13 year old alone with the TV, if you need to go to an appointment.. I think you just have to have an open house with love and welcome for that kid.. give him a key and let him come and go freely and parent him as though he’s your own while in your house? That’s his brother and Dad you live with.. He’s getting older now and more independent. Perhaps if it was you who had the child before the relationship, you would want your more recent partner to be accepting of your pre relationship child.. Perhaps that’s why your partner is silent as he may feel you knew he had his son and what that meant before you got together.. Eitherway your stepson needs, as a child, trumps everyone else’s needs, as he deserves loving homes where he is safe , loved and welcome.. whether that be yours or his mums.. you would want no less for your birth child.

Lyracappul · 09/02/2025 08:39

I don’t mean to criticise you, but maybe change your focus.. perhaps these are the sacrifices of having a blended family.. I wish you and your two boys all the best.. it sounds like he needs you to be his rock as he enters those tumultuous teenage years..

arethereanyleftatall · 09/02/2025 11:50

Bestthriller · 09/02/2025 07:46

@arethereanyleftatall your ex never has his children at his own home and only sees them by coming to you house?

Edited

Bit of a mix now, it's changed organically over the years. We're good friends. So, yes he comes to mine once a week to see the girls, make their dinner, and drive them to their extracurricular stuff. I'm out that evening work/hobby. (He does plate me up some dinner though!). Then one of them goes to his on a weekend day, the other doesn't want to (she can't stand his gf) so he takes her out from mine when he brings dd2 home - they walk to a restaurant for dinner. It's all worked out well.
I do read these threads sometimes and think I wonder if the gf would say negative stuff about me, but everything is designed with our girls best interest at heart.

Original poster
Davidson89 · 09/02/2025 15:09

Bestthriller · 09/02/2025 07:13

She will try to offload DSS at any opportunity and we know this as on her weekends she gets her parents to take him or he goes to sleepovers

but also

He did see him more regularly up until 5 years ago but his mum put a stop to it as it was deemed disruptive to him all the back and forth.

🤔

Yes. He barely spends any time with her. On his weekends at mums she sends him to her parents, sleepovers with friends or asks us to have him.

And yes, we did used to have him more. 1 or two weekday nights too but she stopped that claiming it was disruptive to his routine. However it would seem she has no problem disrupting his routine by asking people to have him when it suits her social life

OP posts:
Original poster
Davidson89 · 09/02/2025 15:11

@arethereanyleftatall no one moved away. We all live in the same town 10 min drive apart

OP posts:
Bestthriller · 09/02/2025 15:25

Davidson89 · 09/02/2025 15:09

Yes. He barely spends any time with her. On his weekends at mums she sends him to her parents, sleepovers with friends or asks us to have him.

And yes, we did used to have him more. 1 or two weekday nights too but she stopped that claiming it was disruptive to his routine. However it would seem she has no problem disrupting his routine by asking people to have him when it suits her social life

Show quote history

So even though you know this poor boy spends most of the time with his grandparents rather than his mother and no doubt acutely aware of her wanting to “off load” him..,, you still are kicking up a stink with your husband about last minute overnight stays above and beyond the 4 poxy nights a month?