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Original poster

Why does my MIL copy everything?

85 replies

shoogal · 04/02/2025 08:25

My mil has always copied us. Whenever we get something, she then gets the same- cooker, bed, bedding, windows, tv etc. But lately she seems even worse.

We just got a new car and 3 days later she went out and bought the exact same make, model and colour. But newer. I’ve noticed she now has the same bag and boots as me. She asked me what perfume I was wearing.

I’m trying to ignore it but I find it so annoying. We don’t have lots of spare money so it’s not often that we buy things. And then the shine is taken straight off as she has then got the same as she has lots of disposable income.

When I say to my husband, he says she just didn’t think or didn’t realise they were the same. I don’t think that’s true at all.

It’s a bit confusing as she has always been good to us but I’m really wanting to keep my distance at the moment as I’m finding it so infuriating. This isn’t ideal or easy as she lives nearby.

I know some will say I should be flattered but it feels more like an identity theft.

Have others had this experience and what did you do? It seems so childish and petty but it really bothers me and is causing a rift with my husband also now. I’m finding it more and more difficult to bite my tongue but if I say anything it will just blow things up. How can I handle this situation? Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Lookuptotheskies · 04/02/2025 08:29

Do you say anything to her when she turns up with the exact same car or bag?! I would! Just a light hearted or jokey comment pointing out you've noticed. My tone would suggest I found it odd and confusing.

Has anyone else noticed? Is dh an only child?

I know it's hard but try not to let it bother you a massive amount. Approach it with pity and curiosity rather than annoyance - in your mind I mean, not out completely out loud. 🤣 It's a very odd thing to do copying your dil to such a degree as this.

RitaFromTheRanch · 04/02/2025 08:30

Ask her, that's the same as ours/mine, why did you pick it?

BilboBlaggin · 04/02/2025 08:31

If you're not prepared to say anything to her then you'll have to learn to dismiss it. It can only bother you if you allow it to. Likewise, it can only cause issues between you and your DH if you allow it to bother you.

Every time she buys something the same just laugh and say "There's a surprise, exactly the same as I've/we've just bought".

Original poster
shoogal · 04/02/2025 08:37

Lookuptotheskies · 04/02/2025 08:29

Do you say anything to her when she turns up with the exact same car or bag?! I would! Just a light hearted or jokey comment pointing out you've noticed. My tone would suggest I found it odd and confusing.

Has anyone else noticed? Is dh an only child?

I know it's hard but try not to let it bother you a massive amount. Approach it with pity and curiosity rather than annoyance - in your mind I mean, not out completely out loud. 🤣 It's a very odd thing to do copying your dil to such a degree as this.

No, I don’t say anything, just quietly fume. I haven’t even mentioned her new car. Passive aggression probably isn’t the best but I’m trying not to explode. I like your idea of commenting that I’ve noticed.
He isn’t an only child but very much the golden boy.

OP posts:
Original poster
shoogal · 04/02/2025 08:38

RitaFromTheRanch · 04/02/2025 08:30

Ask her, that's the same as ours/mine, why did you pick it?

Oh yes that would be interesting.

OP posts:
Original poster
shoogal · 04/02/2025 08:40

BilboBlaggin · 04/02/2025 08:31

If you're not prepared to say anything to her then you'll have to learn to dismiss it. It can only bother you if you allow it to. Likewise, it can only cause issues between you and your DH if you allow it to bother you.

Every time she buys something the same just laugh and say "There's a surprise, exactly the same as I've/we've just bought".

Yes you’re right. I need to put up it shut up. I want to say something but know it won’t end well. I’m really trying to get over this. Argh!

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 04/02/2025 08:40

Had the same thing except they would buy things BECAUSE we said we wanted them so for example ex was saving up for a specific car it ticked all his "needs" boxes it was just a bit financially out of reach they went out bought themselves an identical car to what he wanted he wanted an Xbox years ago when he was younger they bought themselves one (to sit and collect dust they weren't exactly gamers) then they sold it to CEX for pennies I noticed this fairly quickly after we got together both his parents were like this (divorced and remarried to other people) I had a bit of fun telling them all about these electric bikes that ex wanted us to have they trotted out and bought them a 3D television they bought that too then I think mil husband caught on and he stopped buying as much his dad carried on for a bit longer but the last I heard ex had started doing it back one upping them too

Really glad I'm out of that family so bizarre

fallingupwards · 04/02/2025 08:41

Next time say "Our new XYZ is from X shop if you want to copy/want one the same." she'll soon stop.

Original poster
shoogal · 04/02/2025 08:44

Theunamedcat · 04/02/2025 08:40

Had the same thing except they would buy things BECAUSE we said we wanted them so for example ex was saving up for a specific car it ticked all his "needs" boxes it was just a bit financially out of reach they went out bought themselves an identical car to what he wanted he wanted an Xbox years ago when he was younger they bought themselves one (to sit and collect dust they weren't exactly gamers) then they sold it to CEX for pennies I noticed this fairly quickly after we got together both his parents were like this (divorced and remarried to other people) I had a bit of fun telling them all about these electric bikes that ex wanted us to have they trotted out and bought them a 3D television they bought that too then I think mil husband caught on and he stopped buying as much his dad carried on for a bit longer but the last I heard ex had started doing it back one upping them too

Really glad I'm out of that family so bizarre

Yes it’s all very strange. I have a great relationship with husband, mil is in an unhappy marriage (to my husbands Dad) so that could play a part. I bet you’re glad to be out of it!

OP posts:
AgathaX · 04/02/2025 08:45

Make a jokey comment when you next get something new and before she goes and buys it. Something along the lines of when can I expect to see you with exactly the same item?
She maybe doesn't realise how annoying it is. You need to gently let her know.

Original poster
shoogal · 04/02/2025 08:46

fallingupwards · 04/02/2025 08:41

Next time say "Our new XYZ is from X shop if you want to copy/want one the same." she'll soon stop.

Yes I feel like saying that. Got a new appliance recently and almost sent her the link lol

OP posts:
Frangela · 04/02/2025 08:46

A lot of the times this comes up on here, it turns out, on further explanation, that the ‘copying’ is of very standard brands, clothes or children’s names. Are you saying she’s copying unusual or quirky furnitures or clothes, or is this the equivalent of those posts where someone fumes about their sister copying everything they do, only it turns out she just called her baby George and bought a silver Ford Fiesta?

Original poster
shoogal · 04/02/2025 08:48

AgathaX · 04/02/2025 08:45

Make a jokey comment when you next get something new and before she goes and buys it. Something along the lines of when can I expect to see you with exactly the same item?
She maybe doesn't realise how annoying it is. You need to gently let her know.

Yes maybe she just doesn’t realise. But how can she be so self unaware? I guess some people just aren’t bothered by this stuff.

OP posts:
Original poster
shoogal · 04/02/2025 08:51

Frangela · 04/02/2025 08:46

A lot of the times this comes up on here, it turns out, on further explanation, that the ‘copying’ is of very standard brands, clothes or children’s names. Are you saying she’s copying unusual or quirky furnitures or clothes, or is this the equivalent of those posts where someone fumes about their sister copying everything they do, only it turns out she just called her baby George and bought a silver Ford Fiesta?

Good point. It’s nothing particularly quirky, often standard stuff so it shouldn’t bother me. But if all the cars she could have bought, she bought the exact same, 3 days later. The timing is questionable.

OP posts:
Fucketbucket · 04/02/2025 08:54

My MIL can be a bit like this and immediately wants something that she sees others with (if she likes it) I know now it comes from not having much as a child to call her own and the security now of being able to buy the things she wants.

Jumblebum · 04/02/2025 08:56

What is she like more generally? Copying can be a sign of very low self-esteem, and a poor sense of self or identity. It can also be a neurodiverse trait (a form of masking). You said she is in an unhappy marriage, so perhaps her copying is a psychological attempt to "fit in" to your family.

I'd be hesitant to comment on this in a passive aggressive way until I had a clearer idea of her motivation. If she is generally a lovely woman who loves you both and is present and caring then I'd be tempted to let it go and I would choose to understand that it allows her to cope and function better. If she is generally mean and unkind then I would actually probably still not say anything. Someone having the same thing as me doesn't mean that I don't have it anymore and shouldn't take the shine off of it. Most things are produced in great numbers and lots and lots of people will have the same thing. I can understand why it would bother some people but it wouldn't bother me. If you do feel the need to talk to her about it don't reduce yourself by being snarky or passive aggressive. It's ok to raise this issue with warmth and kindness. "I've noticed that we have similar taste. Would you like to go shopping at the weekend and we can check out the handbags/scarves/shoes/perfumes together". Then you let/engineer that she chooses first. Give her choice lots of praise. It might be a case of building her confidence on her own choices and decision making.

BunnysTailFluff · 04/02/2025 08:57

I’d not wear anything new in front of her when you know you are seeing her. Constantly wear the same old outfit and bag and keep your new stuff for when you know you won’t see her. She will soon get bored seeing you in the same old thing. As for the car can you sell it or part ex. If you buy anything new just don’t tell her or show her. Don’t feed her copying obsession.

Original poster
shoogal · 04/02/2025 09:00

Fucketbucket · 04/02/2025 08:54

My MIL can be a bit like this and immediately wants something that she sees others with (if she likes it) I know now it comes from not having much as a child to call her own and the security now of being able to buy the things she wants.

Yes this could be part of it. She is one of 3 and I don’t think she had much growing up.

OP posts:
FoxtonFoxton · 04/02/2025 09:04

I had a friend like this years ago. She copied EVERYTHING I got from clothes to cars to home decor. I always thought it stemmed from low self esteem and not knowing who she was or wanted to be. She came across as confident (more than me) but underneath I could see she struggled. Add to that the heaps of debt she amassed buying stuff to keep up with people, it's pretty clear now that she was just desperately trying to feel better. We are no longer friends (not to do with this) so I have no idea how she is now, but it was frustrating at the time. Stuff doesn't matter, but turning up at the same event with matching bags/shoes/hair was trying.

Original poster
shoogal · 04/02/2025 09:08

Jumblebum · 04/02/2025 08:56

What is she like more generally? Copying can be a sign of very low self-esteem, and a poor sense of self or identity. It can also be a neurodiverse trait (a form of masking). You said she is in an unhappy marriage, so perhaps her copying is a psychological attempt to "fit in" to your family.

I'd be hesitant to comment on this in a passive aggressive way until I had a clearer idea of her motivation. If she is generally a lovely woman who loves you both and is present and caring then I'd be tempted to let it go and I would choose to understand that it allows her to cope and function better. If she is generally mean and unkind then I would actually probably still not say anything. Someone having the same thing as me doesn't mean that I don't have it anymore and shouldn't take the shine off of it. Most things are produced in great numbers and lots and lots of people will have the same thing. I can understand why it would bother some people but it wouldn't bother me. If you do feel the need to talk to her about it don't reduce yourself by being snarky or passive aggressive. It's ok to raise this issue with warmth and kindness. "I've noticed that we have similar taste. Would you like to go shopping at the weekend and we can check out the handbags/scarves/shoes/perfumes together". Then you let/engineer that she chooses first. Give her choice lots of praise. It might be a case of building her confidence on her own choices and decision making.

Thanks for this perspective. She isn’t a horrible person and would do anything to help our family. She adores her son, rightfully, and wants him to be happy. There are issues with self-esteem and sense of self I would say. I don’t like being snarky, it’s just not me. The shopping is a good idea but I don’t know if I could as I just feel mad at her. Interestingly, I mentioned I liked something of hers, out of making conversation really and she then went and bought me it for Christmas. So she can’t see a problem with having the same thing.

OP posts:
user1492757084 · 04/02/2025 09:10

This is so funny.
What an odd woman.
She is eccentric. Don't mind her.

You could say funny things, such as ..

I'm so glad you bought the boots just like mine; they look even better on you.

That dress is much better in size 20; it suits you.

I really am thrilled that you admire my style and bought that jacket.

Oh my God, we could be twins, you and me!

Look, my car had a baby. It's exactly the same DH, look!

You like it, MIL, well my perfume is Tiramisu Tuttotondo or Sugar Kisses by Lorenzo Pazzaglia but remember it smells different on different people's skin! (But keep the name of your real perfume a secret in brown paper packaging.)

Original poster
shoogal · 04/02/2025 09:12

BunnysTailFluff · 04/02/2025 08:57

I’d not wear anything new in front of her when you know you are seeing her. Constantly wear the same old outfit and bag and keep your new stuff for when you know you won’t see her. She will soon get bored seeing you in the same old thing. As for the car can you sell it or part ex. If you buy anything new just don’t tell her or show her. Don’t feed her copying obsession.

Yes my mum says this- keep it all out of sight. I shouldn’t have to though. That’s funny, wearing the same old stuff. I don’t always know when I will see her as she lives very close by. Which is another issue in itself. I love the car so don’t want to trade it but might eventually.

OP posts:
Original poster
shoogal · 04/02/2025 09:14

user1492757084 · 04/02/2025 09:10

This is so funny.
What an odd woman.
She is eccentric. Don't mind her.

You could say funny things, such as ..

I'm so glad you bought the boots just like mine; they look even better on you.

That dress is much better in size 20; it suits you.

I really am thrilled that you admire my style and bought that jacket.

Oh my God, we could be twins, you and me!

Look, my car had a baby. It's exactly the same DH, look!

You like it, MIL, well my perfume is Tiramisu Tuttotondo or Sugar Kisses by Lorenzo Pazzaglia but remember it smells different on different people's skin! (But keep the name of your real perfume a secret in brown paper packaging.)

Edited

Ha ha this made me laugh. It would be funnier if she was an old lady but she’s only 17 years older than me so not ancient.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 04/02/2025 09:18

Offer to go shopping with her to choose some new stuff as you seem to like similar things.

TeaAndStrumpets · 04/02/2025 09:21

My MIL could never persuade her DH to spend any money on household things that she wanted (a very fraught marriage) but it was different if she told him WE needed something. He would spend freely on his beloved son!
Really bizarre. One Christmas we were given a brand new bedroom suite which we neither wanted nor liked. Had to look pleased and grateful! Next thing we knew the in laws had the identical one. She had obviously really really wanted that style for herself and once we had one she persuaded her husband it was worth them buying the same. Ditto a nest of tables, silver cutlery, you name it.

I have never worked that one out....it was always little things she wasn't "allowed" that were OK if we had the same first. Sort of a seal of approval. She never wanted things we chose, though, so not the same as you OP.
Maybe it was a confidence thing, although they were a couple who my DH remembered had a bare bulb in their sitting room for years because they had argued about what shade to get.