Why does my MIL copy everything?

[shoogal]

My mil has always copied us. Whenever we get something, she then gets the same- cooker, bed, bedding, windows, tv etc. But lately she seems even worse.

We just got a new car and 3 days later she went out and bought the exact same make, model and colour. But newer. I’ve noticed she now has the same bag and boots as me. She asked me what perfume I was wearing.

I’m trying to ignore it but I find it so annoying. We don’t have lots of spare money so it’s not often that we buy things. And then the shine is taken straight off as she has then got the same as she has lots of disposable income.

When I say to my husband, he says she just didn’t think or didn’t realise they were the same. I don’t think that’s true at all.

It’s a bit confusing as she has always been good to us but I’m really wanting to keep my distance at the moment as I’m finding it so infuriating. This isn’t ideal or easy as she lives nearby.

I know some will say I should be flattered but it feels more like an identity theft.

Have others had this experience and what did you do? It seems so childish and petty but it really bothers me and is causing a rift with my husband also now. I’m finding it more and more difficult to bite my tongue but if I say anything it will just blow things up. How can I handle this situation? Am I being unreasonable?

Yes I get what you’re saying are saying re research. Especially for expensive items but she didn’t even ask about the car, just rushed off and bought the same one. I could have been thinking it was rubbish for all she knew. Yes I need to be vague. But she’s sometimes in our house on her own, attending to pets so can easily see. I do lock my room though!

One of my elderly in-laws was like this. If we got a new TV, she got the same. A new phone, the same. A new vacuum cleaner, the same. Eventually even clothes, but at least in different colours.

Eventually I asked her why? She thought she was being sensible because, if she had problems with her TV or tech, etc, I would know how to fix it and could talk her through it on the phone.

As for clothes, she said she thought I always looked nice. I ended up with lots of her duplicate clothes when she realised that they didn't suit her.

My dm does this too, not to the extent of yours, but it can get a bit irritating.

I would be fine if dm said "I like those boots, I might have to copy you, and get some too." She doesn't though, she'll look at them, make a mild sore of depressive compliment, then go out a day or two later and buy the same ones, and not tell me, or even worse show me them like she has found them first, and had no idea I have them too.
I will spot stuff in her house, and think goodness they're what I just wore last week when I was wish her.

If she buys me an item of jewellery, she will always get one for herself too. It seems like an identity issue, and some sort of insecurity, as dm often buys excessively to make herself feel better. She could have 10 pairs of boots, and will still go out and buy yours. She will also try to one up you too, and know you've just gotten something you really like, then show you what she has, and say "but do you not like mine?", etc. I never show her everything I buy, and display it like she does and seek compliments, and then raves that everybody admires it. It is OTT.

I think maybe a MH issue on dm's part so I'm trying to let it go. She just has to have everything other people have.

I can imagine the level you discribe it would be annoying, but if she is genuinely nice is it flattering you?

She knows that you both will carefully research the items you buy so takes a short cut.

I'm on a large sports whatsapp group that I play with.
My washing machine died.
I stuck a quick message up asking had anyone bought one in the last year, family size and happy.
Got an immediate recommendation and just went with it.
Delighted with it, installed 24 hours later. Painless.
Researching stuff can be a dose for some people.

I totally get asking for recommendations from people and following up on it. Why wouldn’t you when spending lots of money. But this is different. It’s buying something/an appliance even when it’s not needed, just because we have got a new one.

That must be irritating. Ironically if my own mum did this I wouldn’t be bothered. It’s something about the mil/dil dynamic maybe? Mil has always been too involved for my liking so maybe this is part of it.

I don’t think she is doing it maliciously. I should ask her why.

Maybe she thinks you have great taste? Maybe she's lonely and it's a way of feeling connected? Might be more helpful to think of it sympathetically rather than as an attack on you.

My dh really wouldn't like it if mil wore the same perfume as me. I think of all the examples you've given that's the one where I'd have to say something.

She wants to be you. I would loathe her copying every little thing especially same car three days later! Sounds like a thriller plot and a bit creepy. I would actually distance myself more and move further away so she knows less about your business. Why doesn’t your DH support you and see what she’s doing?

I can understand if you're close to your Mum. Dm, and I aren't close, so maybe this is why is irks me so much 😂I might be closer to a MIL, but I don't have one!

Im wanting to move further away but can’t in the v short term. It’s v creepy. He’s just says she doesn’t think and just rushes into things. Hmmmm

Why don't you ask her

"If I got a nose piercing would you too?"

"How about a tattoo?"

"An e-bike?"

"Trailer tent?"

Am so surprised by these answers.
You should be mad!! 😡
She's continuously ripping off your ideas, work, joy and taste.
If you were a brand you could sue her!!
Next time say something sarcastic or "don't you like being unique, freak?" That should stop her 😉😉😉

Why do you care???

Actually, maybe you should mention that you’re getting a tattoo of your husband’s face on your arse or across your chest and see how long it takes until she does it…
That ought to make your husband stop minimising your feelings about how intrusive and weird it is, and she might stop when you laugh at her and tell her that she fell for the ultimate prank.

@Aroundthetwistyvines its so interesting that you mention your DM telling you about people admiring her (your?!) things. I experienced the same: ‘everyone was looking’, ‘I was the best dressed at the party’. It’s like they’re seeking validation somehow.

It's silly to trade in the car just because your mil has it....do you dislike her that much??
Lots of people will have the same car as you anyway....

I'm sure she hadn't elevated her own son to "partner status"...that's quite spiteful of you actually.

Print out the forms for emigration to Australia, tell her you are excited over a new life. Sit back and hope.

I'd sell my car, rent one for long enough for her to buy the same model/design, then rent another one and observe what happens, etc., then finally buy the one you want. I'd borrow/swap bedding/coat etc from a friend then return it when she buys the same one. Repeat as above. OK, a tad extreme, but she'll get the message.

Jumblebum What a brilliant lovely post and great advice. Yes we have this in wider family group/ friends and it s a form of ND masking. it’s also about not having very happy relationships and thinking mistakenly that ‘things’ make up for that.

It’s not worth your time getting het up about this, in short, OP. In my experience people who ‘copy’ have much bigger issues going on than you do, if you are just feeling a bit put out that someone else has the same blender or car colour that you got. It doesn’t matter does it, just take a breath and move on. If it’s too hard for you to move on, then be kind to yourself but check in with yourself about why you are needing to impress other people with your own purchases. Nothing is being taken away from you here, in reality.

Sympathy, OP - My DMIL does similar. DH's work gave us a very generous gift for our wedding, and for her birthday just after she asked him and his siblings to buy her the exact same thing (even though she had a perfectly good version of it already, albeit a cheaper one). Or when we finally re-booked our honeymoon a few years after it had been originally cancelled due to COVID, she got brochures for the same type of trip but the more expensive options we hadn't been able to do.

I think there can be lots of different motivations for it. In my DMIL's case I think she has pride in how much money she has now versus when she was growing up, so material possessions, and particularly knowing she can afford more expensive brands or versions of things, help to reinforce that. I'm not going to interfere with that so whenever she does it we don't say anything, but I totally get that it takes the shine off the treat, OP, particularly if it's something you've spent a lot of time looking into/cost a lot of money, and then someone else can just snap it up seemingly without the same level of thought.

I think it’s one of those things that if you’re on the outside you don’t quite get it and would just say why does iy bother you. But when it’s you and she turns up with same bag, same boots, same perfume and same car it’s so blindingly obvious and creepy.

Yes I think you only get it if you’ve experienced it. You are right- lots of issues going on and not for me to get involved with even though it’s super annoying!