Why does my MIL copy everything?

[shoogal]

My mil has always copied us. Whenever we get something, she then gets the same- cooker, bed, bedding, windows, tv etc. But lately she seems even worse.

We just got a new car and 3 days later she went out and bought the exact same make, model and colour. But newer. I’ve noticed she now has the same bag and boots as me. She asked me what perfume I was wearing.

I’m trying to ignore it but I find it so annoying. We don’t have lots of spare money so it’s not often that we buy things. And then the shine is taken straight off as she has then got the same as she has lots of disposable income.

When I say to my husband, he says she just didn’t think or didn’t realise they were the same. I don’t think that’s true at all.

It’s a bit confusing as she has always been good to us but I’m really wanting to keep my distance at the moment as I’m finding it so infuriating. This isn’t ideal or easy as she lives nearby.

I know some will say I should be flattered but it feels more like an identity theft.

Have others had this experience and what did you do? It seems so childish and petty but it really bothers me and is causing a rift with my husband also now. I’m finding it more and more difficult to bite my tongue but if I say anything it will just blow things up. How can I handle this situation? Am I being unreasonable?

My son is ND and thought it came from fil but actually now wondering about mil as she is very anxious. Lots of issues going on there and not for be to get involved with. I don’t think I try to impress with purchases. I don’t buy many things and usually out of necessity. Our car was 15 years old and falling to bits. When we finally got a new one I was a bit miffed of the timing of mils 3 days later. It was like she didn’t want us to enjoy it and had to get one straight away. I don’t know, it’s strange.

That’s interesting about the ND in the family. Women in particular have been under recognised for their ND until very recently. Loads of undiagnosed elderly people about, both male and female.

I agree it’s strange and it can be annoying behaviour as the person being copied but it’s very unlikely to change as a strong need of the person who is copying. Whether it’s arising from ND or trauma or MH issues or all of those things.
That is, unless or until another significant person to for them to copy becomes bigger than you in their life. But you don’t have control over that.
Just worth trying to find a way to reconcile with it in your own mind OP short of expecting the behaviour to change any time soon. I wish you well with it.

With my parents it was because they lacked confidence in their own decision making and trusted DB and mine more! This carried into holiday destinations, which optician to use, furniture and household appliances and cars
Used to drive my SIL mad, I would just divert them by helping them choose
Thankfully it didn’t apply to things like perfume or clothing

One of my adult DDs is living with her boyfriend at his parents house at the moment. They've got the space, DD and boyfriend are paying rent but saving to get a house, so it's lovely of them ect ect nice people. The mum is a retired nurse. She only has sons, 4 of them, the older ones have all moved out now and she openly expresses how she is enjoying having my DD living there with her youngest son for a bit of womanly company. Which is v sweet.

However things have taken a weird turn.
DD wanted to start a bit of yoga, bought a mat and followed a you-tuber. Asked to use the spare bedroom floor. Bit of space, bit of peace, all ok. Because DD works full time she aimed at after tea. MIL bought a mat and started being in there doing it after tea. DD changed times and MIL did too! The room is not big enough for 2 mats. DD stopped (and actually goes to the leisure centre class after work now) and MIL's mat is now gathering dust ....

Last summer DD bought herself a recliner deckchair as she had noticed a certain spot in the otherwise shady garden which gets a bit of sun. She adores the sun. This little patch is teeny. A tiny spot right down the bottom of a long terraced garden, out of sight of the house, which happens to catch the sun between the trees and a high fence. She would read or sleep in the sun. MIL, who had honestly never bothered sitting in the garden AT ALL, suddenly began to do the same. DD would get in from work and find her already in the spot, so that was that for her during the week and she aimed at going down if the sun was out on the weekend. 2nd weekend DD got up and began getting her chair out of the shed and saw MIL see her out of the kitchen window. MIL shot out of the house and literally legged it down the garden and just sat on the bit of grass!
DD went back in and won't bother this summer she says it drives her too mad.

It's lots of little things. DD bought a book on Japanese skin care. Didn't even mention it to MIL but read it in the living room once. She couldn't afford the range. Couple of days later the whole range was delivered to the house for MIL !

It happens with clothes. Nails. Even a certain style of glasses, which DD was very pissed off about. Shes wears glasses full time and had splashed out on a lovely pair of frames which suited her well. Guess who got the same !

She tells me and we laugh about it. This woman is retired and the things she is doing is not to do it with DD because there isn't the space. She's just getting in the way! It's costing her a lot one way or another - I don't know what's going on in her mind.

DD and BF expect to move out next autumn so it's not for much longer.

You say that overall she is good to you and that she is unhappy with her husband. Therefore, I’d let this go.

Oh isn’t it strange. Like you say it’s lots of little things that add up! I bet you DD can’t wait to move out! Interesting as my mil has 2 sons no daughters, granddaughters that she doesn’t see v much so I’m the only female nearby really. It’s infuriating but you have to laugh, it’s sad really.

My MIL does this, but with everyone. A friend started learning piano so she bought an electric keyboard.

I got into Asian cooking...so did she.

Her daughter bought a new piece of tech...so did she.

Her sister bought a new Gin....so did she.

It's predictable, laughable and very odd. Like she has no taste or opinions of her own.

My mum had narcissist:borderline personality tendencies (never dx’ed of course.) One of her weirder quirks was putting people on a pedestal and then trying to be them. If she admired their style, she copied the same thing… to the point where she nagged Dad to have the house entirely renovated in the style of her idol - black marble, red glass, stark white, chrome. (Tres early 90’s) and then when she went off that person, put in expensive parquet floors, giant, resort-style basket weave ceiling fans and dark, oriental-inspired (knockoff) furniture. It was just so, so obvious and uncomfortable. She would also wear “their” clothes, buy a car the same, etc.

Looking back, I know my mum had no true concept of her own identity or how she was actually perceived. She changed the story to become the style icon/hero and was the only one whoever believed her narrative.
*She did a crapload of far more harmful things, but this I think was very much part of her psychology.

I think some people sort of lack imagination on how something will look and so look to others for inspiration. My DM does this a little bit -- but she does ask first and spreads it out across acquaintances. Her friend had a very particular jacket and she liked it and asked if she could get the same. They just added some home decor recently which their other friend had.