Why does my MIL copy everything?

[shoogal]

My mil has always copied us. Whenever we get something, she then gets the same- cooker, bed, bedding, windows, tv etc. But lately she seems even worse.

We just got a new car and 3 days later she went out and bought the exact same make, model and colour. But newer. I’ve noticed she now has the same bag and boots as me. She asked me what perfume I was wearing.

I’m trying to ignore it but I find it so annoying. We don’t have lots of spare money so it’s not often that we buy things. And then the shine is taken straight off as she has then got the same as she has lots of disposable income.

When I say to my husband, he says she just didn’t think or didn’t realise they were the same. I don’t think that’s true at all.

It’s a bit confusing as she has always been good to us but I’m really wanting to keep my distance at the moment as I’m finding it so infuriating. This isn’t ideal or easy as she lives nearby.

I know some will say I should be flattered but it feels more like an identity theft.

Have others had this experience and what did you do? It seems so childish and petty but it really bothers me and is causing a rift with my husband also now. I’m finding it more and more difficult to bite my tongue but if I say anything it will just blow things up. How can I handle this situation? Am I being unreasonable?

“Oh damn, we were laying bets on how long it would take you to buy the same thing. DH guessed four days and I guessed five.”

“Looks like DH lost the bet this time!”

”If I wanted to get away with a murder I think it would be pretty easy. I’d just do it in your neighbourhood. You’ve got the same hair as me, the same car as me, the same clothes, etc…. Everyone will assume I’m you.”

Start choosing a few unique things that can’t be replicated and take joy in them.

But mainly, enjoy the complement. A few people have given really good insight to the root of the behaviour. Better to feel sad that she needs to do it, than cross.

You don't have to show her or tell her about your new stuff.

Stop fuming. It's bad for your health.

Laughter is good for you.

Start taking the piss instead and let it out. Roar with laughter at her next time she does it.

Feign concern. 'This is becoming a habit, MIL! Are you feeling ok?'

i think it does stem from insecurity. I cringe at the thought of turning up someone and we have matching outfits!

I feel this would fuel the fire and she would think I was ok with having the same stuff. And I cringe at the thought of turning up somewhere and we have matching outfits. Just seems sad to me.

I don’t show or tell her. She just sees them if I’m wearing them. Then asks me where they are from. Husband definitely tells her too much so I’ve told him to limit what he says about me.
Fuming is definitely bad for health and I need to stop.
i should make light out of it like you said.

Good idea.
I do think there is a lot going on there in terms of self esteem/unhappiness. She has no confidence in her own decisions and is way too swayed by my husbands opinion.

Send her a picture of a tattoo you are getting to surprise dh... When she inevitably gets hers done just tell her you changed your mind...

People are so strange. I do think it may be a seal of approval thing. Mil is very swayed by my husbands opinion, much more so than her husbands. And so maybe she thinks if it’s good enough for son it’s good enough for her. Very weird. Probably stems from unhappy marriage and elevating son to partner status. Odd.

If you took her shopping it would need you to make the point of stopping being the identical things to me. I'll help you find things that look great on you instead.

If she asks where something is from and it’s from Next tell her it’s from M&S, or say you can’t remember, if she likes your perfume say it’s YSL when really it’s by Dior. She will soon get fed up on a wild goose chase all the time.

Start buying really ugly stuff you'll never use/wear and snigger at her copying you!

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery !!!
it is a bit odd , but try not to leave it bother you so much …x

My sister does this but she’s always got to go one better. I think it’s a jealousy thing - she thinks I have a perfect life (I don’t) and she’s got to one up me.

I got a new flat once and she came to help me shop/settle in. I was returning from travelling so I was starting from scratch - think everything Ikea. I went to visit her a few weeks later and her bathroom was a carbon copy of mine.

Later when we had a young family, we took a rental on a weekend cabin - nothing fancy - and she rented a luxury lodge on the same site.

We really wanted a camper van for a while but couldn’t afford it. She phoned me about a month later and was champing at the bit “guess what we’ve just bought???”. I just said “lucky you, that was DH and I’s dream”.

We had a favourite holiday destination (not particularly popular) that she started going to with her family even though it was in her words “so boring” until we stopped going.

It did cause me to hold some resentment - the feeling that she took pleasure in outdoing me - then I thought of it as just being a bit sad really.

I now just joke that if I lost an arm, she’d need to end up with no legs in a wheelchair.

My awful mil decorated her front room identical to ours! Same paint, wallpaper and even furniture!
Seems to be a weird mil thing - when questioned why it was identical she said she didn't realise it would be an issue and that she thought I'd be happy & flattered she'd copied. 😂

Ah I can see how they would be super annoying. I feel mil is the annoying sister I didn’t have (only 17 years apart so not massive). It’s difficult with family as you can’t choose them etc etc. Definitely all smacks of jealously in both our situations.

Lol. Yes maybe some people don’t give this a thought. Even though it’s so weird. I’ve never questioned the copying, maybe I should.

I said it yesterday on the thread where it's the best friend copying-information diet. Yes, your DH needs to stop telling her everything. Buy Single White Female for her next birthday. Keep puppies away from her.

As she’s clearly from your comments not doing it maliciously, I think there’s a few things going on here:

• she trusts your taste and research process: for something like cars/electricals I might well buy what a family member had researched and said was good.
• she doesn’t see an issue in the two of you having the same stuff. I’d maybe try and be overt about the things that you DO mind her having the same of and let some go. Eg make it clear you don’t want to accidentally wear the same things to an event; make it clear you don’t want her to copy your wallpaper but let the hoover go.
• be vague. Forget the model name or where you’ve bought things, or get it wrong - don’t make it easy for her!

I feel a bit sorry for her. I get it would be annoying, so so irritating. To the point ur like wtf!

I'd probably just joke about it and say oh come on u cld have at least got a different colour with the car! Then gauge her reaction. I have a feeling if u said something in a non jokey way she might get upset or just look a bit sad. I think u wld end up feeling like the bad one.

I'd genuinely start making it up where I bought things. Aw the curtains, eh I think it was Next, no Dunelm or what is the range. God I can't remember I was in so many shops! Perfume, oh it's a sample one I got can't remember. She might soon get the picture!

Does she go to the shops regularly and by herself? I hate shopping so usually the only new things I see are things friends and family are wearing. That might be my prompt to go online to buy something.

Maybe when you are out or shopping take some photos of a few things and send them through to her. "Was in John Lewis the other day and me and DH saw this and thought how You it was" point her in a different direction.

Doesn't have to be high effort if you take 2 things into the changing room just show her the one you rejected. If she thinks it has your DH approval she might be even more likely to take the bait

I feel a bit sorry for her. I can't imagine caring (or noticing) if someone "copied" my bed or windows. It's hardly unique, thousands of people buy them. Who cares if she has the same bedding or car, or books holidays you've been to. I don't think it's that big a deal.

Reminds me of when teenagers buy the latest fashions and get annoyed when peers copy "their style". If you want to be unique, find bespoke items and don't go for the most popular styles. If you like it, chances are thousands of others will too.

The only thing I wouldn't be comfortable sharing would be perfume, strictly for selfish reasons. Who wants to smell exactly like their husband's mother?

Just let it go, and don't volunteer information if you're so concerned about it

Yes I get what you’re saying. If my friend was saying that I would say similar-just let be, it’s her issue, it’s just generic stuff etc . But when it’s constantly happening to you it’s super annoying.
Yes very weird having wife and mum smelling the same!

Good point. She used to shop a lot but now just online. We both have Next accounts so that probably doesn’t help matters lol

Yes I’m often wtf lol. I would end up looking/feeling the bad one. The sample perfume is a good idea.