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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think she should help out without the attitude?

101 replies

BottomlessBrunch · 03/02/2025 21:28

Dd 18 in her last year of school takes my younger dd to school usually twice a week.
She drives past younger DD's primary so it's not out of her way and younger DD (age 10) gets out the car and walks in so it's not like the older one even has to park up and take her in.

Anyway she has an attitude about it and quite frankly treats the younger one as an inconvenience.
I've always said I don't expect her to play with her or be her best mate but I do expect her to treat her with respect and help out as part of a family.

Aside from this oldest dd works hard at school, has a PT job and pays for her car and insurance herself and am very proud of her but this is a frustrating situation.

Breakfast club isn't open at the time I leave for work and it's too far for her to walk safely at this time of the morning.
I don't ask older dd to help out round the house this is what I ask her to help with instead and I don't feel like I'm asking too much. I give her petrol money every month as a contribution as i am saving money on before school care.

Any advice - AIBU or is she?

OP posts:
Raindropskeepfallinonmyhead · 03/02/2025 21:30

I think yanbu.
If that is all you are asking of her she has had a result, not even going out of her way!! Hope she doesn't make it obvious to your 10 year old xx

Rocksaltrita · 03/02/2025 21:31

She isn’t the DC’s parent though. You’re making her take on that role. What would you do if she wasn’t there?

RoastDinnerSmellsNice · 03/02/2025 21:36

Have you tried talking to your eldest DD about why she doesn't like doing this OP? Do you tell her how grateful you are, and show her appreciation? Admittedly from what you've said, she's not going out of her way, but she IS saving you a job, so appreciation might make a difference. I know you're giving her money, but perhaps, a small treat, box of chocs, something that you know she particularly enjoys, maybe a special bubble bath or something like that, out of the blue, with a card saying 'Thank you SO much for helping out with your sister, I truly DO appreciate it'. You never know, it might work.

Sometimeswinning · 03/02/2025 21:37

Rocksaltrita · 03/02/2025 21:31

She isn’t the DC’s parent though. You’re making her take on that role. What would you do if she wasn’t there?

Maybe assume she is as that’s the question being asked 🤷‍♀️

My oldest needs a lot of convincing to help out with younger dd. I do point out it’s what you do in a family. I want her to have that value in life. (I assume she will, she’s just going through a selfish stage I’m sure!)

lilytuckerpritchet · 03/02/2025 21:39

I agree, you're not expecting her to parent her sister . It's literally a chore.

My DDs helped out with ds who is 13/16 years younger than them. They would play with him so I could do jobs . Take him to the park to give me a break. I never asked them to do house jobs. I cooked their meals, did laundry etc. this was their contribution.

But it's crap for your younger dd if she is being treated like crap for something that isn't even her choice.

ServantsGonnaServe · 03/02/2025 21:41

If breakfast club isn't open whe you leave, is your eldest also responsible for getting the 10yo out the door on time, making sure she's ready etc?

Regardless of whether I think it's right or not, it's damaging their relationship and DD will resent you as an adult, more so when she has her own child and feels like you didn't take responsibility for 10yo.

Catza · 03/02/2025 21:42

Rocksaltrita · 03/02/2025 21:31

She isn’t the DC’s parent though. You’re making her take on that role. What would you do if she wasn’t there?

When I give my partner a lift, I am not parenting. I don't parent my mum when I offer to make her a cup of tea. I don't parent my grandmother when I pick up her shopping or take her to the doctors. I am also not parenting my cousins when I babysit for my aunt. I do these things because we are a family and people do things for each other in a family. Doing things for others is normal and should be default attitude, especially if it doesn't actually interfere with your own life in any way.

Rachmorr57 · 03/02/2025 21:45

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Rocksaltrita · 03/02/2025 21:45

@catza - true, but this is ruining their relationship. An older sibling really shouldn’t need to be responsible for taking a younger one to school. That is the job of a parent. What happens if she wants to stay over with a mate one night? Or has different holidays? Or didn’t have a car (given this is her own, not one provided by OP)? It wouldn’t be my choice, personally, unless in absolute extremis. That’s not that we’re not a helpful family, I just wouldn’t expect one of my children to get another to school on time.

Catza · 03/02/2025 21:54

Rocksaltrita · 03/02/2025 21:45

@catza - true, but this is ruining their relationship. An older sibling really shouldn’t need to be responsible for taking a younger one to school. That is the job of a parent. What happens if she wants to stay over with a mate one night? Or has different holidays? Or didn’t have a car (given this is her own, not one provided by OP)? It wouldn’t be my choice, personally, unless in absolute extremis. That’s not that we’re not a helpful family, I just wouldn’t expect one of my children to get another to school on time.

She is only asked to do this twice a week. Mum gives her petrol money and free pass on not doing anything around the house to compensate. I am not saying she should be forced or that she has to do it in her holidays. But she is driving past the school anyway. Her attitude is not justified and certainly giving someone a lift a couple of times a week does not qualify as parenting. Even if the OP finds alternatives, her daughter's attitude still sucks.

Bobbie12345 · 03/02/2025 22:02

Would it be worth laying it out as more of an option so that she feels she has some control?
Say to her that you can see the current situation is frustrating her.
Ask if she would prefer to stop doing the drop-offs, but make sure she knows that she will then not be getting the cash for petrol and that there would be another family job you would ask her for instead (such as being in charge of unloading the dishwasher). Tell her that if she chooses to drive her sister, then a part of the job description is to make her sister feel okay about it. If it is much more black-and-white then suddenly the drop-offs might appeal more.

Dollshousedolly · 03/02/2025 22:05

Just ignore the attitude, don’t engage with it.

Quiinkong · 03/02/2025 22:07

Rocksaltrita · 03/02/2025 21:31

She isn’t the DC’s parent though. You’re making her take on that role. What would you do if she wasn’t there?

Take on the role of dropping her sister to school? Laughable

Flossflower · 03/02/2025 22:11

I agree with some of the PPs. You chose to have your younger daughter. Your older daughter is not responsible for her. It is not just a drop off. She has to make sure her sister leaves on time and have her company in the car. There is a big age gap. Are they full sisters? They might not even be that friendly.
I think your older daughter is doing enough with her job and school work.

Quiinkong · 03/02/2025 22:14

Catza · 03/02/2025 21:42

When I give my partner a lift, I am not parenting. I don't parent my mum when I offer to make her a cup of tea. I don't parent my grandmother when I pick up her shopping or take her to the doctors. I am also not parenting my cousins when I babysit for my aunt. I do these things because we are a family and people do things for each other in a family. Doing things for others is normal and should be default attitude, especially if it doesn't actually interfere with your own life in any way.

Show quote history

I found her comment laughable too. Some people act like asking your kids to do things is a crime. Drop your sister on your way turned into parenting

Quiinkong · 03/02/2025 22:20

Some of these comments are just laughable. So, does DD1 not do favours for her friends? Her bf? Colleagues? And yet, dropping her sister to school twice a week turned to parenting. If boyfriend or husband needs dropping off at the station every morning and it is 5mins out of her way, will she tell him "why are you asking me? I'm not your mother". Reply like you've got some common sense. This is her own sister for crying out loud and some of you are making it sound like OP is burdening her. OP, I'd be wondering if DD1 has no love for DD2 which is why she finds 2 days a week such a chore.

SummerFeverVenice · 03/02/2025 22:29

I think you’re both a bit u

YANBU to expect your DD18 to help out and take DD10 to school.
But YABU to expect your DD18 to be all happy about it and only have acceptable emotions.

Your DD18 is being u to have a rotten attitude, but most teenagers have rotten attitudes all the time and at least she is doing what you ask. Perhaps thanking her for what she does instead of criticising how she’s not being respectful or cheery enough while doing what you ask might get her attitude to improve.

smallchange · 03/02/2025 22:30

God, can you imagine her on Mumsnet in 20years time.

"I'm NC with my family because my mum made me drop off my younger sister by car, part of the way through a journey I was doing anyway. Twice A Week."

My 18 yr old takes his brother to school and collects him 3 days week, except if he's got other plans when I shuffle things about and do it myself. I bung him some Greggs money occasionally. YANBU.

Eyerollexpert · 03/02/2025 22:30

My DS1 used to take DS2 on the bus to nursery occasionally, his school was 3 mins away. There is a 11 year age gap so DS1 was14/15. There was never a problem, we are a very close knit family and have always supported each other and always will. It's what we do.

Original poster
BottomlessBrunch · 03/02/2025 22:51

I think I'm just stuck about what to do going forwards - I don't necessarily think dd1 needs to be happy about it but I don't want her taking it out on dd2 and dd2 starting the school day feeling like crap for something that's not her fault.
I'm a single parent so struggle on the days I'm in the office - the days I'm at home I can get her there in time no problem.

Just me telling dd1 to change her attitude towards her younger sister isn't going to help, if anything that'll probably make her feel more resentful as she'll feel that her sister is 'telling' on her.

It only needs to be till June as then dd will finish school for good. I just don't see it as a big ask overall when being in a family . It's my view that you should help each other out - I truly believe this then extends on to adulthood. Maybe the responsibility for leaving on time is another thing to think about and set dd2 a couple of alarms so she knows to have coat and shoes on ready to go.

OP posts:
Original poster
BottomlessBrunch · 03/02/2025 22:55

Maybe the previous suggestion of offering her an alternative job round the house might work to make her realise it's really not that bad of a job, although it's a bit of a gamble if she goes ahead and agrees she'd rather clean bathrooms as then I'll be stuck!

OP posts:
NattyTurtle59 · 03/02/2025 22:58

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

What a ridiculous comment. Family members do things to help each other out all the time, it's part of being a family. YANBU OP, and please ignore the usual MNers who feel they must insert their nonsense comments onto every thread.

I often see older kids dropping off their siblings here.

Eenameenadeeka · 03/02/2025 23:27

This is a tricky one. I do think family should help each other and it would be nice if she would see how hard you are working and just be willing to help you. But I've always thought that older siblings shouldn't be responsible for younger, and I do see school drop off as a parenting job. If you were asking a neighbor to do it because "they're driving right past anyway" a lot of people would say you're taking advantage and drop your own child off. I have a similar age gap but my children are younger and I think in the future if I want this sort of help I would offer them a payment for it, but also in that case she should help with tasks at home since she should contribute to her home as well.

Calochortus · 03/02/2025 23:40

I was your eldest DD and completely resented having to “help” with my younger siblings. My elder sister and I left home we got so sick of it and we ended up NC with our parents. We were happy enough to help out around the house cleaning etc but we didn’t want to be responsible for our younger siblings. If parents choose to have more children they shouldn’t rely on the older siblings to help out with the younger ones imo, it’s a parents choice to have more children afterall. I refused to do school drop offs as did my sister as the younger ones were always making us late for work because of one thing or another, we had jobs to hold down and it was constant stress. What are you going to do in June when your eldest DD finishes school?

HeddaGarbled · 03/02/2025 23:45

Maybe the responsibility for leaving on time is another thing to think about and set dd2 a couple of alarms so she knows to have coat and shoes on ready to go

This is worth exploring. Is DD2 making them late?

I completely agree that an 18-year old should be making a contribution to the household but that would normally be household chores not ‘parenting’, especially if there’s a bit of naughty-little-sister-when-mum’s-not-here-to-see-it going on.