To think she should help out without the attitude?

[BottomlessBrunch]

Dd 18 in her last year of school takes my younger dd to school usually twice a week.
She drives past younger DD's primary so it's not out of her way and younger DD (age 10) gets out the car and walks in so it's not like the older one even has to park up and take her in.

Anyway she has an attitude about it and quite frankly treats the younger one as an inconvenience.
I've always said I don't expect her to play with her or be her best mate but I do expect her to treat her with respect and help out as part of a family.

Aside from this oldest dd works hard at school, has a PT job and pays for her car and insurance herself and am very proud of her but this is a frustrating situation.

Breakfast club isn't open at the time I leave for work and it's too far for her to walk safely at this time of the morning.
I don't ask older dd to help out round the house this is what I ask her to help with instead and I don't feel like I'm asking too much. I give her petrol money every month as a contribution as i am saving money on before school care.

Any advice - AIBU or is she?

And who pays for all the other bills that enables her to earn enough to pay for it. If she's benefitting from a household and she's old enough to work then she can assume some responsibility in ensuring others in that household have their needs met. It's not helping her to let her believe she has a right to take without putting anything back

I disagree, this 18 year old is being expected to drop a 10 year old at school, what 18 year old want to be doing that? My parents decided to have more children - those children weren’t my responsibility whether my parents liked it or not, I did not want to be responsible for them, the OP’s daughter probably feels the same. We have a few children and we never expected the older ones to help with their siblings, as parents that was our job not theirs.

OP do your children both help around the house generally?! They really should be doing.

Do they tidy, wash up or put away, clean anything, take out the rubbish, etc etc? Even a very young child can help in some way around the house but it sounds like neither of your dd's do?? The fact they don't may be influencing your eldest's attitude regarding helping you with these morning school runs.

We were brought up with the view that a family is a team and we all pitch in, and I've done the same with my children.

I think you should have a family meeting about household chores, team work, etc. They both need to be pitching in and viewing things differently. Don't link this to the morning school run situation directly.

I also think you should take your eldest out for a coffee or something and lay out the situation around this morning help you've asked for. Ask her what her main issues with it are and actively listen to her answers, explain the various problem solving suggestions you have, AND lay out all the alternatives and what they look like. Not in a guilt trip way, just which of these scenarios would you prefer. These are our options as a family.

I would just ignore the moaning or say- we're a family and we all muck in to help each other. If you don't help here, I will have to change my work hours, which will mean less money coming into the house and less treats (or whatever) for us all.

It doesn't sound like a big ask as long as dd2 is up, ready and not making her sister late.

My DS used to drive my DD to school.

Both the same age but he passed first.

She was fucking nightmare. Always late, never ready. He hated it.

After a while I drove her because hi early it wasn't fair to give him that level of stress.

A lift is one thing.

If she's got to make sure her sister is ready and chivvy her through morning routine that's something else.

Your dc isn’t going to be going in until June. They have study leave and then exams. Realistically it will be coming to an end Easter ish time anyway, what’s your plan after that.
Can you get to bottom of eldest’s issue with it. Is it financial? If she’s paying several thousand in insurance a year and you are giving her £5 petrol a week maybe she thinks it’s unbalanced. Or is it interfering with her studies eg mine would go in earlier or later some days.

This thread is another where the professionally obtuse are out in force. The rest of MN mollycoddle their DC when they go to uni, help out their student DC with housing and cars and deposits for houses and so on, but on this thread, an 18 year old is supposed to muck in as a stand in parent, work, attend college, pay for her own car, get her younger sibling to school on time and all without so much as a moan. Wow! Talk about double standards.

It’s unfortunate that OP’s job doesn’t allow her to do the school run, but surely you take that into account when you take on a job. You don’t take on a job and then expect someone else to facilitate the basic parental job that getting your DC to school on time is! Look at all the threads on here where people are up in arms about a neighbour or friend asking for regular help with the school run. There’s always a unanimous no to those! How interesting that this thread has gone the other way… Also, shame on all the posters saying that her phone should be cut off or money taken away from older DD if she doesn’t help out. Why? It is simply not her job to get further children her DM chose to have to school! Sure, give her chores but this one isn’t fair or reasonable. OP should have arranged her job around the school run or sorted out before/after school club. That’s what most people do.

Another thing to think about is the feelings of the younger DC who must start every day in a fluster, feeling like a burden to her older DC because her own mum doesn’t have time to take her to school! Poor kid! The school run is a great time to have a chat about what’s coming up and to revise spellings for a test etc. Who does all this? Remembers PE kit? Finishes a last minute project? Remembers homework or a musical instrument? These are all the jobs of a parent and something a ten year old might need help with. OP hasn’t said why DC’s DF can’t help out either - which could be another solution here (providing he’s alive and well, clearly things are different if the OP has been widowed, then I really would expect older DC to chip in).

Have you asked her why she hates it so much?

We had a situation where DS1 was dropping off DD1 and DD2 and absolutely hated it, and asked to stop, because the constant chatter in the car was distracting him. He didn't like it as he felt it distracted him from driving, and then he found the worry about being distracted was impacting his sleep.

DH used to get stressed in the mornings as DD3 is a faffer and could manage to be late no matter how early she got up.

If there's something that makes it difficult for DD1 then start by addressing that and go from there.

People should pitch in on a household, but you do need to find out if there's a reason she's unhappy or if she's just reluctant to help out generally.

Household chores are actually a separate issue as DD1 should be doing these regardless.

School drop off isn’t a household chore it’s a parenting chore.

I'm a bit on the fence with this one. I think its completely fair to expect an 18 year old to help out a bit. But I'm also mindful of the unfairness of pushing parental responsibility onto older siblings.

I'm also conscious that I didn't have it so difficult as I did at 18 until I became a parent. Other people will have other experiences, and I'm sure someone will do the Yorkshireman act about how the raised her 6 younger siblings, did their nappies etc, took them to school, then did a nightshift 7 nights a week and got straight A*'s all with a smile on their face. Bully for them!!

Juggling A levels and the associated exams, homework, coursework, revision, with a job, plus an expectation to help around the house. An an expectation that you're supposed to be an adult now, but teachers and family don't treat you that way. And god, forbid, you try to have some kind of a social life. So much pressure and very little time to scratch ones arse. That couple of years with A levels and a job is quite a challenge. She does run the car herself which means she must do quite a few hours given how much car insurance costs for an 18 year old, and an 18 year old part time worker is hardly going to be raking it in.

I would try to be a little less confrontational, explain how such a small action from her takes a huge amount of pressure from your shoulders, and it frees you up to do the things that supports her, such as meals, washing, etc. that she might otherwise need to do for herself. Don't phrase it as a threat, but explain how her help ultimately benefits her.

And I'd cut her some slack on the perceived attitude. Like I said, 18, doing A levels (properly, and fulfilling ones potential) while being employed to the extent she can run a car on shite wages is not easy, and being a stand in parent is a step too far.

YABU to let her get away with doing zero in the house in return for dropping her sister off twice a week! Real life will be a shock for her. Why isn't she doing housework/making meals sometimes? I used to stay over at my aunt's and take all three to school if necessary/if the weather was bad etc then look after them after school. Surely it's just what family does? It's a very minor thing to ask her, unless little sister is constantly late or making big sister wait.

Exactly this. Helping out once in a while in a bind is fine.

but regularly dropping a child to school or childcare is a parents or someone acting in a carer/guardian role.

your children should not be used as regular childcare.

But she is there.....

I agree with both of these.

Yes an 18 year old should be helping at home with reasonable house chores, but school run is not a reasonable house chore it is a parenting task.

School runs are stressful, not to mention driving to do a school run is bloody horrible, the other drivers are awful, everyone is stressed, kids run out onto the roads etc etc- i wouldn’t be asking an 18 year old to do it regularly. As a one off /emergency then that’s ok, but asking her to do it regularly is not fair.

She’s yr13 at school.
She may want to meet with friends before school to socialise or study. Teachers sometimes put on extra revision classes. She may not need to be in that early those days if she has free period. If teen is literally having to drop primary school age child, then park at her school and run to class she may be late and feel rushed/disorganised all day. Parking and traffic near schools is dire. If there’s no breakfast club presumably she can’t drop sister off too early.
I wouldn’t assume the 18 yr old is going to school same time each day and if she is it definitely won’t be until June with study leave and exams.

Taking a younger sibling to school 2 days a week is no more "parenting" than a 3 year old being asked to fetch a clean nappy for the baby. It's called "helping" which is what we teach kids from an early age is it not?

What utter nonsense.

Doing a school drop off isn't "parenting" for fuck's sake.

Everyone should be contributing to the smooth running of the household. This daughter should have this duty and more to do her fair share.

Or move out and see how she likes supporting herself.

@BettyBardMacDonald - swearing doesn’t make your (unfounded) point any more effective 🤣

No wonder we have a "child behaviour crisis". There is another tread that primarily blames the parents.

The attitude that children and young people should not have a responsibility in 2025 is tbh BS.
I was 13 years old then I took a neighbour's 6-year-old to school. Every day. By train and bus. It was normal. Parents were working to provide for the children.

When we were 18 yo no one had a car. We took public transportation or walked. An 18 yo with a car (paid by whom?) should be able to help in the family by dropping of a sibling. It's a luxury problem.

Young people today are completely shielded from the real world.

I don't think that is fair. She is working, and based on running a car on minimum wage for an 18 year old which is something like £8.60ph. 20 hours a week only brings in £688. Plus A levels, which are anything but a walk in the park. I think she is already juggling a lot of responsibilities. Just because some people have had it worse, it doesn't mean it is fair to pass on parental jobs to someone who is already stretched, probably beyond what OP has on her plate.

Of course she should.

I knew reading this people would come on and say it is too much

this honestly is what is wrong with modern society.

Your 18 year old is taking on a chore as part of helping out at home - it's not inconcveniencing her, she is not 'being a parent' - she is fully supported and cared for at home and is helping out

this is where western culture is so insanely individualistic.

I think 50 years ago nobody would have thought twice at a child living at home being expected to help their other familiy members.

we have lost sight of normal family commitments.

this is just all linked to the absolute infantalisation of modern teenagers.

Look back at WW2 - people aged 17 were flying planes over occupied europe or being dropped off in france to go undercover and fight the nazis.

I mean honestly I know I sound like dave the daily mail reader here - but - the comments here that it is too much responsibility for a teenager to drop their sibling at school ON THEIR WAY to work...

.... in a car.

On her way to school actually, before she gets to come home, do coursework then go to work too. She might even get some downtime before midnight before she does it all again the next day!

I don't disagree that she should do it, I just have sympathy for the "attitude" given how much a working A level student has on her plate.