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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think she should help out without the attitude?

101 replies

BottomlessBrunch · 03/02/2025 21:28

Dd 18 in her last year of school takes my younger dd to school usually twice a week.
She drives past younger DD's primary so it's not out of her way and younger DD (age 10) gets out the car and walks in so it's not like the older one even has to park up and take her in.

Anyway she has an attitude about it and quite frankly treats the younger one as an inconvenience.
I've always said I don't expect her to play with her or be her best mate but I do expect her to treat her with respect and help out as part of a family.

Aside from this oldest dd works hard at school, has a PT job and pays for her car and insurance herself and am very proud of her but this is a frustrating situation.

Breakfast club isn't open at the time I leave for work and it's too far for her to walk safely at this time of the morning.
I don't ask older dd to help out round the house this is what I ask her to help with instead and I don't feel like I'm asking too much. I give her petrol money every month as a contribution as i am saving money on before school care.

Any advice - AIBU or is she?

OP posts:
Notgivenuphope · 03/02/2025 23:46

Catza · 03/02/2025 21:42

When I give my partner a lift, I am not parenting. I don't parent my mum when I offer to make her a cup of tea. I don't parent my grandmother when I pick up her shopping or take her to the doctors. I am also not parenting my cousins when I babysit for my aunt. I do these things because we are a family and people do things for each other in a family. Doing things for others is normal and should be default attitude, especially if it doesn't actually interfere with your own life in any way.

Show quote history

This is spot on.
She sounds very immature, looking for problems where there are none. It’s not like this is making her late, stopping her meeting with a friend etc.

jannier · 03/02/2025 23:48

Rocksaltrita · 03/02/2025 21:31

She isn’t the DC’s parent though. You’re making her take on that role. What would you do if she wasn’t there?

What rubbish nobody is asking her to parent she doesn't have any chores she's got it easy.

TeenLifeMum · 03/02/2025 23:48

I hated the school run, and that was with my own dc! I think forcing a young adult to do parenting tasks regularly is not okay. Helping around the house, yes, but teens aren’t to be used as a nanny. Dd will babysit her sisters on occasion but I ask her and pay her. For me, it’s outside the family responsibilities for living in the same house.

Weddingbells6 · 03/02/2025 23:49

Flossflower · 03/02/2025 22:11

I agree with some of the PPs. You chose to have your younger daughter. Your older daughter is not responsible for her. It is not just a drop off. She has to make sure her sister leaves on time and have her company in the car. There is a big age gap. Are they full sisters? They might not even be that friendly.
I think your older daughter is doing enough with her job and school work.

Full sisters? FML.

Spendysis · 04/02/2025 00:06

Have you tried talking to her? Saying you get it a pain in the arse for her to take her sister to school but you really appreciate her help and for being mature and responsible getting her there on time. Remind her in a joking way of some of the things you do for her that you don't really want to but do to make her life easier and because that's what families do for each other

RickiRaccoon · 04/02/2025 00:08

I don't think it's an unreasonable ask twice a week when she's given petrol money and not doing anything else. I agree with offering her an alternative chore like cooking 3-4 nights. Children really should be contributing to some cooking and cleaning anyway. I'd also outline (in plain terms, not guilt-tripping) that, if you do need to spend more on before school care, that you will need to adjust your budget to allow for for this.

AnotherNameChange1234567 · 04/02/2025 00:09

BottomlessBrunch · 03/02/2025 22:55

Maybe the previous suggestion of offering her an alternative job round the house might work to make her realise it's really not that bad of a job, although it's a bit of a gamble if she goes ahead and agrees she'd rather clean bathrooms as then I'll be stuck!

But then what is the plan for June when DD1 leaves school?

takealettermsjones · 04/02/2025 00:14

Bobbie12345 · 03/02/2025 22:02

Would it be worth laying it out as more of an option so that she feels she has some control?
Say to her that you can see the current situation is frustrating her.
Ask if she would prefer to stop doing the drop-offs, but make sure she knows that she will then not be getting the cash for petrol and that there would be another family job you would ask her for instead (such as being in charge of unloading the dishwasher). Tell her that if she chooses to drive her sister, then a part of the job description is to make her sister feel okay about it. If it is much more black-and-white then suddenly the drop-offs might appeal more.

I agree with this. Spell everything out, let her choose.

HellofromJohnCraven · 04/02/2025 00:21

Yanbu.
I had a large age gap. One of mine walked the other to school literally for a week when I was recovering from surgery. It is mentioned frequently. It was 11 years ago!

Snorandrepeat · 04/02/2025 00:29

My eldest daughter dropped off my youngest at school,it really wasn’t an issue,just normal behaviour,never crossed my mind it would be a problem 😳

Frozensun · 04/02/2025 00:36

I think you’ve given the older a free ride (pun intended). Leaving your main issue alone, she’s part of a household, you are a sole parent who works and she’s not expected to help in the house? You don’t ‘offer’ her something else to do, you work out what both daughters do to help in their home (fine to come to an agreement) and require them to do it. Currently, my 8 &6 yo empty dishwasher, feed dog, help take bins out, put their stuff away. 3yo helps to empty dishwasher, ‘helps’ with getting lunchboxes ready and puts her stuff away.
I’m hoping you’re in an ok financial position, but if you need to reduce your hours or employ someone to take sister, then obviously that impacts on consumables in the house (whether it’s reducing snacks, internet or whatever).

Shelby2010 · 04/02/2025 00:36

I would frame it that DD1 is an adult so should be doing a third of the adult chores in the house (assuming you have a partner). As she is in school, she doesn’t make a monetary contribution, although you may be claiming child benefit to cover some of her costs.

Ask her which third of the cooking/cleaning/shopping etc she wants to take on. Or would she prefer dropping DD2 off on her way to school? Sounds like the easy option to me!

Also point out that if you have to reduce your hours or pay for after school childcare, then there will be less money available for the household. May mean cut to her phone, the internet or no food treats for a few weeks.

🌻

DaniMontyRae · 04/02/2025 01:48

Have you asked your eldest why she dislikes dropping off her sister? Is there a problem with your youngest playing up, not being ready on time etc? If your youngest is behaving fine then I don't think there's anything wrong with asking your eldest to do this. It's very reasonable given she does nothing else around the house.

MumChp · 04/02/2025 02:23

Who paid the car dd1 drives?

belleager · 04/02/2025 02:37

This must be a cultural thing. Everyone I know who had a younger sibling walked them to and from school at some point, until the youngsters reached the age of 7 or so. I genuinely don't recall any angst about it, presumably because it was the norm. There's no need to work children into the ground but it seems strange not to let them develop responsibility in such ways.

femfemlicious · 04/02/2025 03:00

She IS there so she should help out. Everyone in the family has to muck in for things to work.

Jacquette · 04/02/2025 03:15

“She is not the parent you need to parent the children you chose to have”

I get that. I was older than my 6 siblings by many years. I was a second mum really and it was pretty shite so I was careful not to make my oldest child a caretaker for the youngest.

However, life is about helping each other out and dropping off her younger sister to school twice a week is not a big ask. Younger one has the responsibility to be ready.

No one eats if OP can’t get to her job.

Jacquette · 04/02/2025 03:16

femfemlicious · 04/02/2025 03:00

She IS there so she should help out. Everyone in the family has to muck in for things to work.

Yay. And much more succinct than I was.

SD1978 · 04/02/2025 03:38

Have you ever offered petrol money? It's her car, she pays for, and you have an expectation that she watches her sister and drops her off at school twice a week. To expect her to do this, but do you acknowledge that it's for you and your younger daughter, and you appreciate it? Because if you had to have a childminder do the same it would cost you, maybe bunging her a tenner every so often instead of telling her she's ungrateful to not be jumping for joy helping you out might go better

WiddlinDiddlin · 04/02/2025 04:19

@SD1978 OP gives her older daughter a petrol contribution monthly in recognition of the fact this drop off is saving her money. It's in the first post.

LostittoBostik · 04/02/2025 04:23

Hmmmm. From an adult perspective I see your point and I bet if she was just a few years older she would do it without the 'tude , but also from her perspective at 18 it's not her job to meet your younger DD's needs.
I think I'd get around this by paying her tbh. Then she'd be grateful and it would end up being a bonding time for the two of them rather than something she resents (which your younger DD will be picking up on)

LostittoBostik · 04/02/2025 04:24

By payment I mean more than petrol money. Less than a cab but more than she's getting. So it's worth her time.

LostittoBostik · 04/02/2025 04:26

ServantsGonnaServe · 03/02/2025 21:41

If breakfast club isn't open whe you leave, is your eldest also responsible for getting the 10yo out the door on time, making sure she's ready etc?

Regardless of whether I think it's right or not, it's damaging their relationship and DD will resent you as an adult, more so when she has her own child and feels like you didn't take responsibility for 10yo.

I do think that second par is a realistic risk because of the vibes elder DD is giving off

LostittoBostik · 04/02/2025 04:29

Shelby2010 · 04/02/2025 00:36

I would frame it that DD1 is an adult so should be doing a third of the adult chores in the house (assuming you have a partner). As she is in school, she doesn’t make a monetary contribution, although you may be claiming child benefit to cover some of her costs.

Ask her which third of the cooking/cleaning/shopping etc she wants to take on. Or would she prefer dropping DD2 off on her way to school? Sounds like the easy option to me!

Also point out that if you have to reduce your hours or pay for after school childcare, then there will be less money available for the household. May mean cut to her phone, the internet or no food treats for a few weeks.

🌻

This is all well and good but OP can't follow through with most of that - she works from home (needs internet), she has a v young adult DD who drives (she's not going to leave her driving at night without a mobile) etc etc

AllosaurusMum · 04/02/2025 05:19

Did you give DD1 lifts to school at that age, or did she have to make her eat there herself? Does she feel like you often do things for DD2 that she was expected to herself at that age?
The attitude could be resentment.

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