Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think she should help out without the attitude?

101 replies

BottomlessBrunch · 03/02/2025 21:28

Dd 18 in her last year of school takes my younger dd to school usually twice a week.
She drives past younger DD's primary so it's not out of her way and younger DD (age 10) gets out the car and walks in so it's not like the older one even has to park up and take her in.

Anyway she has an attitude about it and quite frankly treats the younger one as an inconvenience.
I've always said I don't expect her to play with her or be her best mate but I do expect her to treat her with respect and help out as part of a family.

Aside from this oldest dd works hard at school, has a PT job and pays for her car and insurance herself and am very proud of her but this is a frustrating situation.

Breakfast club isn't open at the time I leave for work and it's too far for her to walk safely at this time of the morning.
I don't ask older dd to help out round the house this is what I ask her to help with instead and I don't feel like I'm asking too much. I give her petrol money every month as a contribution as i am saving money on before school care.

Any advice - AIBU or is she?

OP posts:
beAsensible1 · 04/02/2025 05:41

DD isn’t just giving her a lift though she is enabling you to go out and work as you’d either be doing something different or paying through the nose for wraparound.

and clearly if she stopped doing you’d be in a bind.
I do think it would be better for her to have more chores around the home and you sort drop off yourself.

every parent on here complains about the school run, but now that it’s the teenagers job it’s not that big of a deal 🙄

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 04/02/2025 05:47

Give her a list of alternative chores and ask her to pick.
Tell her contributing nothing is unacceptable but she can choose what from the list she wants to take on.

arcticpandas · 04/02/2025 05:48

Wow! I fetched my little brother from nursery after my school day when I was 10 and he was 2 years old. Walked him home, gave him a snack etc waiting for mum to come home. I considered it natural in a family to help out and I quite enjoyed playing mummy. YANBU

TemporaryPosition · 04/02/2025 05:50

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Ridiculous

Shelby2010 · 04/02/2025 06:36

LostittoBostik · 04/02/2025 04:29

This is all well and good but OP can't follow through with most of that - she works from home (needs internet), she has a v young adult DD who drives (she's not going to leave her driving at night without a mobile) etc etc

Show quote history

I imagine the OP would be able to figure out the specifics. We don’t know if DD1 has a part time job or if she gets an allowance, for example.

The bottom line is that she’s an adult who should be contributing in some way. The contribution that OP has asked for is to drop her sister at school, which isn’t even out of her way.

Whaleandsnail6 · 04/02/2025 06:47

What exactly is the attitude?

You say in your second post that maybe it is the responsibility for leaving on time and setting your youngest alarms to get ready...I can see where the attitude is coming from if youngest is potentially making oldest late (or even just faffing when oldest is ready to go) I get frustrated at my kid if I'm ready to go and they are not!

I agree everyone in a household should help out so I don't think asking her to do this is unreasonable, as long as younger daughter also makes it the simple job it is supposed to be.... literally being in the carr at set time and hopping out at designated place.

Zanzara · 04/02/2025 06:48

YANBU. I'd be having a very firm word with her. She's getting away very lightly with this contribution to family life, and having access to a car at her age is a real privilege.

Lulu1919 · 04/02/2025 06:48

Asking her twice a week to literally drop off her sister on her way is not asking her to parent...it's asking her do help out and be a big sister !
YANBU !

Lurkingandlearning · 04/02/2025 06:54

I am baffled why an adult dropping their sibling off at school is considered a bad thing, especially if they are actually passing the school. When did helping each other out become a bad thing? Why wouldn’t an adult who still lives at their mum’s house help ou?

But I guess all families are different and some must live as independent units solely interested in their individual wants and needs under the same roof. What joy. If children expect to always have their parents’ undivided attention and never have to contribute anything to family life it’s not really surprising they end up no contact. It’s probably best for them and although their family might be sad about that, their sadness might be tinged with a slight (or massive) feeling of relief.

Does your daughter ever give lifts to her friends? Maybe asking why she feels her sister is so different might focus her mind a bit.

MushMonster · 04/02/2025 06:55

Family life is teamwork.
Sit your DD1 down and tell her what you have said here.
She is acting spoiled and childish! She needs to grow up.
She is lucky to have a few minutes to chat to her younger sister and ask how her day is going and build a connection there. Instead, she is acting like a toddler.

PerambulationFrustration · 04/02/2025 07:00

How is their relationship generally?
Being in a family means you do things for each other, you help out and you're a team.
I'd have a chat along those lines, tell her you're thankful and it helps the family as it helps you to get to work on time so you can earn money.

TaggieO · 04/02/2025 07:02

I think the trouble is you’ve allowed your 18 year old to get away with murder and have no responsibilities so she’s balking at this one thing as if it’s a massive inconvenience. Time to reevaluate how things run at home with both your DDs. Is there a reason they don’t do a thing around the house? It’s not doing them any favours.

My parents had 6 teenagers and between us we did everything. Guess who got to uni and was the only one who knew how to change a lightbulb or cook a full meal…..?

TaggieO · 04/02/2025 07:03

Also, you say your DD pays for the car and insurance - who actually bought the car?

peachystormy · 04/02/2025 07:04

RoastDinnerSmellsNice · 03/02/2025 21:36

Have you tried talking to your eldest DD about why she doesn't like doing this OP? Do you tell her how grateful you are, and show her appreciation? Admittedly from what you've said, she's not going out of her way, but she IS saving you a job, so appreciation might make a difference. I know you're giving her money, but perhaps, a small treat, box of chocs, something that you know she particularly enjoys, maybe a special bubble bath or something like that, out of the blue, with a card saying 'Thank you SO much for helping out with your sister, I truly DO appreciate it'. You never know, it might work.

get real that's total overkill

Zingy123 · 04/02/2025 07:11

It's your responsibility to get your younger child to school. Why should your daughter be responsible for her sister?

rookiemere · 04/02/2025 07:35

It sounds from OPs second post that DD2 is often not ready on time, maybe DD1 is worried about getting in late, which is a perfectly valid concern.
OP I don't know what time you leave at, but can you wake up DD2 before you go and make sure she is on track to be ready to leave on time?
I think it's fine that DD1 gives her a lift, but it shouldn't be her responsibility to chivvy her to be ready on time.
At the age of 10 are there any alternatives like a bus if she isn't ready when DD2 needs to go?

I think you need to sit down with DD1 and ask her why she has attitude about this. It's all very well saying she has to do it, but there is probably some aspect that is frustrating her - I suspect it's DD2 not being ready to leave when she needs to be. If that's the case you need to have stern words with DD2.

Bornnotbourne · 04/02/2025 07:37

Don’t offer her to change something else. You need to have stern words that she’s an adult and this her (only!!!) contribution. My six year old does more housework than her. He is responsible for hoovering the sofa, sorting and putting away washing and hoovers his room.

gannett · 04/02/2025 07:39

Not sure why so many posters are fixating on whether the older daughter should help out by taking her sister to school. She should, and she does. The OP's issue is with her "attitude" and I'm not sure it's a reasonable issue to have. You can't demand someone does chores with a cheerful smile on their face. This isn't customer service.

If she's being actively nasty to her sister, with concrete examples, then by all means pull her up on it. If she's just being untalkative and not smiling first thing in the morning, leave her alone.

stichguru · 04/02/2025 07:49

I agree with people who say talk to your daughter about what's going on and why she finds it hard. If your younger daughter is polite and pleasant, gets herself ready nicely and is on time, and your older DD isn't having to go out of her way to do it, then it's a reasonable expectation while she lives under your roof, and she's no need to grumble about it. If actually your younger daughter drags her feet, doesn't get ready, makes the older one late, is rude, then no your 18 year old's mornings should not be ruled by a naughty kid, it's your kid, you need to do the parent duties.

jannier · 04/02/2025 08:14

It's no wonder we live in such a selfish society with so many bringing children up with an only do it if it benefits me, I get paid, its not my child so why should I attitude....I bet it doesn't apply to parents offering granny childcare but reverts to helping elderly parents.
What an awful world we are creating.

Codlingmoths · 04/02/2025 08:28

Calochortus · 03/02/2025 23:40

I was your eldest DD and completely resented having to “help” with my younger siblings. My elder sister and I left home we got so sick of it and we ended up NC with our parents. We were happy enough to help out around the house cleaning etc but we didn’t want to be responsible for our younger siblings. If parents choose to have more children they shouldn’t rely on the older siblings to help out with the younger ones imo, it’s a parents choice to have more children afterall. I refused to do school drop offs as did my sister as the younger ones were always making us late for work because of one thing or another, we had jobs to hold down and it was constant stress. What are you going to do in June when your eldest DD finishes school?

It’s a pretty minor ask. Helping someone else out occasionally is a basic quality in a decent human and kids should do that with their family as an excellent start to adult life. Rubbish that ‘you don’t mind chores or cleaning tasks which are to help your family but you do mind actually doing anything for your siblings’ your actual experience may have been more than helping, but the op is not asking for more than a little help.

Gogogo12345 · 04/02/2025 08:29

AnotherNameChange1234567 · 04/02/2025 00:09

But then what is the plan for June when DD1 leaves school?

Show quote history

Id imagineDD2 would be able to take herself from Sept

VodkaCola · 04/02/2025 08:31

Tbh I'd rather clean the bathroom than take a small child to school.😆

(Sorry, not helpful!)

Janbluesuary · 04/02/2025 08:37

OP you’re being perfectly reasonable its a small ask in the scheme of being part of a family. Tell DD1 she needs to quit the attitude, she’s 18 and whilst she’s still under your roof she helps out

Flossflower · 04/02/2025 08:47

Shelby2010 · 04/02/2025 00:36

I would frame it that DD1 is an adult so should be doing a third of the adult chores in the house (assuming you have a partner). As she is in school, she doesn’t make a monetary contribution, although you may be claiming child benefit to cover some of her costs.

Ask her which third of the cooking/cleaning/shopping etc she wants to take on. Or would she prefer dropping DD2 off on her way to school? Sounds like the easy option to me!

Also point out that if you have to reduce your hours or pay for after school childcare, then there will be less money available for the household. May mean cut to her phone, the internet or no food treats for a few weeks.

🌻

No we are expected to look after our children and provide for them until they finish school. Don’t have children if you don’t want these responsibilities. A child in the last year of school will be coming up to the most important exams in their life. This child is already going to school, doing a paid job and loads of homework/ studying for their exams. Cut this child some slack. What did OP do before her child could drive?