How to make your vulva clamp shut: a tinder story

[stayawayyyyyfromdatingapps]

Hi ladies!

I'm after your funny / horror / tinder or date stories or something that made your vulva clamp shut from men. Fucking men. I want to stay away from men and dating apps and in seeking to be completely put off for life!

I'll go first.. I got an absolute shiner off of tinder say to me 'I really want you to be my girlfriend, so you can see to my trouser cannon every day.

Fucking TROUSER CANNON.

Another: got to an organised drinks first date, and the guy had those white stringy bits all around his crusty lips. I kept licking my lips in the hope he'd do the same and kept thinking fuck me if he kisses me im going to have to see the hygienist.

Another took screenshots off of my social media, and told me that im wearing 'too much makeup' and he likes his 'girls' (yes girls) to dress modestly and be more natural. The photo he picked was me at a concert, covered in glitter.
Note: this bloke has botox. But told me off for wearing glitter.

Lastly: met a bloke in the supermarket of all places. Asked me out for a drink and I agreed. Exchanged numbers. (I was 18 at this point). He said that he was Russell brands cousin and he had RB and katy Perry coming round that evening for drinks and would I like to join? I was SO EXCITED. Funnily enough, I'd just seen her on tour the week before and knew for a fine fact she wasn't in the country. But anyhoo I thought I'd play along. Anyway, he said he would pick me up at X time on the back of his motorbike. (I wouldn't have gone.) when he told me he was on his way, apparently in the 10 minute journey his Nan died, and he also got pulled over for speeding and immediately lost his license and asked if he could come to mine.

I am so happy to be out of relationships. Men can fuck off. Posting for traffic.

I only had one OLD and he is now my DH. Disappointingly unfunny, apologies!

However, I once met a guy in real life who seemed nice, we chatted for half an hour or so and swapped numbers. Had a bit of boring texting back and forth over the next couple of days then it petered out.

He messaged me a week later to tell me that he'd stayed up all night carving me a wooden love spoon complete with our names. I was quite concerned by this, so was still mulling over how best to reply when I bumped into him later that day in town. He was with his parents and introduced me as the woman he'd been telling them about! They were shaking my hand and telling me how excited they were to get to know me and how welcome I was in the family home etc. I've never had a stronger urge to run away from a conversation in my life 🙈

@AngelinaFibres I call it ' old man goop'. Lots of my husband 70 plus year old relatives have it. Absolutely revolting

OK, so I think the above illustrates my point well.

Jesus fucking Christ!

Exactly this.

@shuggles just lost the tiny fraction of moral high ground she had. And it WAS miniscule! 'If you mock other peoples afflictions, I hope you get that same affliction.' Nasty! 😖

I bet she also thinks if you don't go on the donor register - and give blood - that you should never receive an organ, if you need one, (or any donated blood if you needed it...)

Oh and she doesn't even know if that man had anything wrong!

That’s hilarious! I am sorry I don’t know why but that would be so off-putting to me too.

I still haven't quite got over the one who actually killed off his grandmother so I couldn't complain that he cancelled yet another date (i.e. claimed it was her funeral). We met again about five years later and she was still alive and well.

Years ago, back in the late 80’s. I wasn’t looking for a date. I was swimming in the local swimming pool. A bloke with his daughter latched on to me, encouraging his daughter- she was about 4/5 years old- to talk to me.

I got out and never went back to pool.

Presumably she'd date someone with rotten teeth, foul breath, food in their beard, dead fish syndrome because # be kind. I'm not kissing someone with stringy goop in the corner of their mouth regardless of how much of a medical condition it is.

@BatchCookBabe I bet she also thinks if you don't go on the donor register - and give blood - that you should never receive an organ, if you need one, (or any donated blood if you needed it...)

I never said anything vaguely on those lines. There are valid reasons for not donating blood or being on the donor register.

All I'm saying is that people should show compassion towards those who have certain medical conditions. Apparently this is a radical idea on mumsnet.

To be fair that wouldn't put me off (unless he was a creep.) Sounds like he had style. 😎

Compassion does not extend as far as joining lips with that person. Dating someone more than once generally suggests that you might be open to the kissing situation. No one wants to kiss that no matter how saintly you might think you are.

Well done that woman? What lying, catfishing and deceiving someone and wasting their time - wtf is well done about that?

Don't feed any trolls people, the anecdotes are far more fun!

Who said it was humorous, I didn’t see anyone say that.
People are allowed to find that disgusting, because it is .

You are hilarious

😆 Dead fish syndrome! 😆

I don't even know what that is, but it made me LOL!

Shame @shuggles is selective over her #bekind mantra. Saying she hopes someone who laughs at an affliction basically deserves to get it themselves is reprehensible.

Dry lips are usually indicative of medical problems?

Where did you read that?

You make wildly sweeping generalisations and assumptions. You know nothing about these people, and are content to wish all manner of horrible things on them.
It isn’t a great look either. I’m not saying we shouldn’t have empathy, because of course we should, but if I’ve ever met someone with that, it hasn’t been because they are on chemo.

Shuggles is a man and he loves derailing threads telling women how having standards is wrong

This. ^

A gay male friend once hooked up with a guy on Grindr, met in a pub, went OK, then back to this guy's place. Turns out this guy was a Trekkie and his hobby was making Star Trek mannequins, he used to blow up balloons to make the head, then glue on photocopies of HIS OWN FACE.

These figures were all round the bed, staring down on them as they did the deed. Kirk, Spock, Scott, Uhuru etc, all with weird guys face. My friend said he had never been so convinced he wouldn't make it out alive.

Dead fish syndrome is caused by an enzyme deficiency. I worked with a man with it. The sufferer can't smell themselves. For everyone around them it smells like a tray of fish that have been dead in the sun for days I'll leave you to imagine that smell.

Yep, I reckon you're right. Probably hit a raw nerve with him! 😬

He was a really nice guy and we stayed friends, he remains some sort of fashion wizard