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Original poster

How to make your vulva clamp shut: a tinder story

695 replies

stayawayyyyyfromdatingapps · 03/02/2025 17:54

Hi ladies!

I'm after your funny / horror / tinder or date stories or something that made your vulva clamp shut from men. Fucking men. I want to stay away from men and dating apps and in seeking to be completely put off for life!

I'll go first.. I got an absolute shiner off of tinder say to me 'I really want you to be my girlfriend, so you can see to my trouser cannon every day.

Fucking TROUSER CANNON.

Another: got to an organised drinks first date, and the guy had those white stringy bits all around his crusty lips. I kept licking my lips in the hope he'd do the same and kept thinking fuck me if he kisses me im going to have to see the hygienist.

Another took screenshots off of my social media, and told me that im wearing 'too much makeup' and he likes his 'girls' (yes girls) to dress modestly and be more natural. The photo he picked was me at a concert, covered in glitter.
Note: this bloke has botox. But told me off for wearing glitter.

Lastly: met a bloke in the supermarket of all places. Asked me out for a drink and I agreed. Exchanged numbers. (I was 18 at this point). He said that he was Russell brands cousin and he had RB and katy Perry coming round that evening for drinks and would I like to join? I was SO EXCITED. Funnily enough, I'd just seen her on tour the week before and knew for a fine fact she wasn't in the country. But anyhoo I thought I'd play along. Anyway, he said he would pick me up at X time on the back of his motorbike. (I wouldn't have gone.) when he told me he was on his way, apparently in the 10 minute journey his Nan died, and he also got pulled over for speeding and immediately lost his license and asked if he could come to mine.

I am so happy to be out of relationships. Men can fuck off. Posting for traffic.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
shuggles · 03/02/2025 21:25

@AngelinaFibres Compassion does not extend as far as joining lips with that person.

Literally no one said otherwise.

BatchCookBabe · 03/02/2025 21:25

AngelinaFibres · 03/02/2025 21:24

Dead fish syndrome is caused by an enzyme deficiency. I worked with a man with it. The sufferer can't smell themselves. For everyone around them it smells like a tray of fish that have been dead in the sun for days I'll leave you to imagine that smell.

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Thanks a bunch mate! 😂

shuggles · 03/02/2025 21:26

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Saggyknickers · 03/02/2025 21:26

TwistedWonder · 03/02/2025 20:41

Ignore - he’s our resident forum mainsplainer who loves scolding women

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Spot on 👌

BatchCookBabe · 03/02/2025 21:27

Ketzele · 03/02/2025 21:24

A gay male friend once hooked up with a guy on Grindr, met in a pub, went OK, then back to this guy's place. Turns out this guy was a Trekkie and his hobby was making Star Trek mannequins, he used to blow up balloons to make the head, then glue on photocopies of HIS OWN FACE.

These figures were all round the bed, staring down on them as they did the deed. Kirk, Spock, Scott, Uhuru etc, all with weird guys face. My friend said he had never been so convinced he wouldn't make it out alive.

This thread is not making Star Trek fans look good is it?! 😆

Poor trekkies! Sad

Agapornis · 03/02/2025 21:28

Went on a few dates, then back to his a couple of times, had a nice time, met his very cute cat. Afterwards he texted me saying he was going to move away. Whatever. Covid was about to kick off so not practical anyway.

Bumped into him in Sainsbury's a year later 😁 Said nice to see you, asked how his cat was doing. He was polite enough.

Saw him another week later again in Sains, he quickly made sure his face mask was on properly and studiously avoided me😂

niadainud · 03/02/2025 21:29

stayawayyyyyfromdatingapps · 03/02/2025 18:12

Ahhhh this reminds me of a V recent one! (Note, this is trouser cannon guy.)

When I said I wasn't looking for anything further, he asked if we could be FWB. I declined.

He then called me a melt.. for not wanting to shag him. So I called him out on it and got a very similar reply to what you got. 'It's a jooooke.'

Cor they have a lot of nerve done they, with a sprinkling of gaslighting.

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He deserves to be binned for "you've took" if nothing else.

JHound · 03/02/2025 21:30

TwistedWonder · 03/02/2025 21:23

Shuggles is a man and he loves derailing threads telling women how having standards is wrong

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Aha!

Makes sense now.

I did not even see any mention of a medical condition - merely somebody finding somebody’s dry lips unappealing.

Annielou67 · 03/02/2025 21:31

It’s a few years ago now…..
one guy, I’m sure had teeth in his profile picture, but in real life just had those little pegs that crowns push onto. I couldn’t look at him.
one guy said he was a bit overweight. Probably by about 20 stone. What was more offputting was that he told me in the first few minutes that he could breathe out of his nose and mouth at the same time and proceeded to demonstrate. Yeeuch.

JHound · 03/02/2025 21:32

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Where did you read that dry lips are usually indicative of a medical problem?

Saggyknickers · 03/02/2025 21:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Confused
Doubledded123 · 03/02/2025 21:37

Haha there have been so many... the 65 year old who cancelled with anhour to go then appeared back on the app as a 55 year old,

The one who said i likea size 12 or smaller...

The one who became abusive when I wouldn't drive an hour to meet up...

Fuck me it's a cesspit
Out there..

shuggles · 03/02/2025 21:38

@JHound Where did you read that dry lips are usually indicative of a medical problem?

It isn't something I read from a random website. I have knowledge in this regard. I already listed a small number of medical conditions linked to dry lips and dry mouth.

AwardGiselePelicotTheNobelPeacePrize · 03/02/2025 21:40

CharlotteStreetW1 · 03/02/2025 19:37

Totally off topic but my first car was a Volvo and my cockney mate shouted across to her boyfriend in our local "ere! Charlotte's got a Vulva!". Well yes...

Sorry, as you were.

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My husband mixed up vulva and valve several times in conversation recently. Haven't laughed so hard in ages.

RaveToTheGrave1 · 03/02/2025 21:41

This is how we go down tonight hens, dry lips and dry mouths

Haffiana · 03/02/2025 21:42

I went on an internet forum and read an amusing thread about people's experiences dating. Then some bloke came along and made it all about him.

r/woosh

LillyPJ · 03/02/2025 21:43

shuggles · 03/02/2025 20:34

You're being silly. No one is obliged to kiss anyone who they don't want to, but that's not an excuse to ridicule an issue online that is generally related to various medical problems.

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I don't think there was any ridiculing - just that she didn't fancy kissing him like that. (And even if it was a medical condition, couldn't he just wipe his mouth occasionally - especially on a first date?)

Doodleflips · 03/02/2025 21:43

Haffiana · 03/02/2025 21:42

I went on an internet forum and read an amusing thread about people's experiences dating. Then some bloke came along and made it all about him.

r/woosh

Who’d have thought it, on a post about how crap men are lol

shuggles · 03/02/2025 21:43

@Haffiana It's not about me. But fair enough, I will stop commenting now on this subject. Perhaps some day, some of you may grow up a bit.

JHound · 03/02/2025 21:45

shuggles · 03/02/2025 21:38

@JHound Where did you read that dry lips are usually indicative of a medical problem?

It isn't something I read from a random website. I have knowledge in this regard. I already listed a small number of medical conditions linked to dry lips and dry mouth.

Ok can you cite a source for the claim that dry lips are typically indicative of a medical problem?

I am not asking about medical conditions that can cause dry lips - but your claim that dry lips are usually signs of a medical problem.

BatchCookBabe · 03/02/2025 21:45

Haffiana · 03/02/2025 21:42

I went on an internet forum and read an amusing thread about people's experiences dating. Then some bloke came along and made it all about him.

r/woosh

😂

Saggyknickers · 03/02/2025 21:45

Haffiana · 03/02/2025 21:42

I went on an internet forum and read an amusing thread about people's experiences dating. Then some bloke came along and made it all about him.

r/woosh

Quite ironic on a thread about male entitlement and their bizarre behaviour!

Another basement dweller is my guess.

JHound · 03/02/2025 21:46

shuggles · 03/02/2025 21:43

@Haffiana It's not about me. But fair enough, I will stop commenting now on this subject. Perhaps some day, some of you may grow up a bit.

It’s not about you….except when you said you had direct experience of some of the medical causes of dry lips.

Callipygion · 03/02/2025 21:48

Saggyknickers · 03/02/2025 21:45

Quite ironic on a thread about male entitlement and their bizarre behaviour!

Another basement dweller is my guess.

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He saw the word “vulva” in the heading and was on here like a dog on a bone.

MadCattery · 03/02/2025 21:49

I am also too long married and have no stories of my own, BUT my close friend was communicating with a man, back and forth in anticipation of a meet and date, but he told her he wanted her to visit a website to see what he really liked. She went, and it was a site for men who dress as babies (frilly dresses, that sort of thing) and like to have their (am American) diapers changed! Needless to say, no dates. Or further communications.