How to make your vulva clamp shut: a tinder story

[stayawayyyyyfromdatingapps]

Hi ladies!

I'm after your funny / horror / tinder or date stories or something that made your vulva clamp shut from men. Fucking men. I want to stay away from men and dating apps and in seeking to be completely put off for life!

I'll go first.. I got an absolute shiner off of tinder say to me 'I really want you to be my girlfriend, so you can see to my trouser cannon every day.

Fucking TROUSER CANNON.

Another: got to an organised drinks first date, and the guy had those white stringy bits all around his crusty lips. I kept licking my lips in the hope he'd do the same and kept thinking fuck me if he kisses me im going to have to see the hygienist.

Another took screenshots off of my social media, and told me that im wearing 'too much makeup' and he likes his 'girls' (yes girls) to dress modestly and be more natural. The photo he picked was me at a concert, covered in glitter.
Note: this bloke has botox. But told me off for wearing glitter.

Lastly: met a bloke in the supermarket of all places. Asked me out for a drink and I agreed. Exchanged numbers. (I was 18 at this point). He said that he was Russell brands cousin and he had RB and katy Perry coming round that evening for drinks and would I like to join? I was SO EXCITED. Funnily enough, I'd just seen her on tour the week before and knew for a fine fact she wasn't in the country. But anyhoo I thought I'd play along. Anyway, he said he would pick me up at X time on the back of his motorbike. (I wouldn't have gone.) when he told me he was on his way, apparently in the 10 minute journey his Nan died, and he also got pulled over for speeding and immediately lost his license and asked if he could come to mine.

I am so happy to be out of relationships. Men can fuck off. Posting for traffic.

Another friend one. She went for a date in a local pub that did nice food
They sat down and looked at the menu then the guy said ‘ooh this is a bit more expensive than I was expecting’

So she replied it’s fine we can split the bill and he said ‘that’s still a bit much for me’

She felt a bit embarrassed and said ‘shall we find somewhere else’ and they left without ordering.

They went for a walk along the canal as as they reached the main road there was a bakery and he said to her ‘let’s get a pie’. So he bought a take away meat pie (she declined) and ate it on a bench by the canal

There was no second date

Chakotay, maybe. He was Maquis though, you could tell he wore that under duress.

@Haffiana Having a performative virtue signal wank on an online forum. Lovely.

I'm not a virtue signaller. Just someone with a strong dislike for those who are ignorant of other people's medical problems.

And to prove I'm not a virtue signaller, I will freely admit that my wish is that when people mock medical problems, those same problems will be inflicted upon them later in life.

Medical problems, wee man just needed a chapstick

I was OLD to "get out there", finding a boyfriend would be an added bonus, but I wasn't actively Looking For A Boyfriend.

When I said this to a man on a first date, he literally flounced out of the bar when I was mid-sentence.

Looong before the internet.
Spoke to this really gorgeous guy in a pub a few times. He eventually asked me out and I was beyond excited (I was only 17).
First date we start talking about what we did for a job, I told him I was a dental nurse and he proceeded to take his false teeth out to show me 🤢

I had a first and last date with one who started whinging that a woman came on her period in his bed staining the mattress then proceeded to ask me back to his (of course didn’t accept).😫

Never fucked off and blocked someone so fast. I bumped into him in Tesco a few weeks later. 😂

Met a guy for coffee from OLD. I thought he had a visual impairment as he was constantly looking ever so slightly to the left of me. No problem, I was enjoying his company and conversation.

As we got up to leave he looked me straight in the eyes that he had a great time and would like to see me again. I turned around. He had been checking himself out in the large mirrored wall behind me almost the whole time.

Having read these stories I'm very relieved that I haven't had any personal experience of OLD!

I can share one story from a friend. This was over 15 years ago and so it was a website rather than on the apps. She met him on a dating site for single parents, they messaged on the site, then via text and talked on the phone for a while. This seemed to be going well so they met for a lunch date. She was unavoidably a few minutes late but she apologised and explained. The date went ok although she said to me afterwards that she felt there was something about him that didn't feel quite right and she wasn't sure if she should see him again. He took the decision out of her hands as he rang her, said he had been very annoyed that she had been late, and that she wasn't what he was looking for. It was his loss though as my friend is genuinely lovely in every way. She had a bit of a nosey online about him shortly afterwards out of idle curiosity. What she discovered was that 'what he was looking for' was someone young enough to be his daughter, who looked very much like one of his daughters and who was a similar age to all his kids who were teenagers and young adults. My friend wouldn't have wanted to be with any man who thought that was ok, so she had a near miss there. She was about 5 years younger than him but that obviously wasn't anywhere near young enough for his ego or whatever, plus there was his odd and lasting over-reaction to a few minutes unavoidable lateness. Her spidey senses were tingling for good reason. Don't ignore your spidey senses folks, however you meet someone.

Once dated a guy who had a look of Ian somerhalder and admittedly I think I tolerated him for as long as I did because of his looks. The more comfortable he became around me, the more he let his weird creep out. He’d do random things like suddenly cackle like a witch while we were in the middle of a bar or a cinema and then would carry on like it hadn’t just happened. One evening while he was at my house, we’d been chatting and he excused himself to go to the loo. But when he came back downstairs he laid on the floor in the lounge and just stared at the ceiling making popping noises. It was really bizarre. Then he got back up and restarted the conversation again like that weird little interlude hadn’t just happened. The last straw came one day when we were collecting bits for a picnic from the supermarket, and mid-sentence he suddenly shrieked like a fucking ape and punched a packet of muffins and calmly walked away. Myself and other shoppers stared between him and the assaulted baked goods in bemusement. I finally realised at that point he either needed psychiatric intervention or my sense of humour just wasn’t aligned to his… even if he was fit.

Another guy, (who I met after chatting online for a while) asked to take me out for a drink. I liked him so agreed. It was a sunny day, so we sat in a beer garden and I’d really enjoyed myself in his company. But then as we were about to leave, he suddenly wrapped his arms around me from behind and whispered in my ear “please let me keep you forever” it instantly stamped out any beginnings of a spark between us.

Met a guy OLD. After a few dates stayed overnight in a city hotel. I came out of the bathroom to find him wearing my tiny black dress I had hung up to wear. Nope. Not for me mate.

Last one, I promise.

Last summer I matched with a man on Bumble who immediately invited me to his house "for dinner". I politely declined a first meeting at a stranger's house.

He said "I'm in a wheelchair, I can't jump you". I had no idea if this was true or a bad taste joke, but I reiterated that I wasn't going to a stranger's house.

He then said "good choice, I'd have tried anyway". Unmatch & block.

Cut to last week when I was walking into town & a man in a wheelchair was rolling towards me. Out eyes met & I KNOW WE RECOGNISED EACH OTHER because we both did that double take thing when you can't place someone. Then he just rolled right on, apparently not so brave in real life.

It's a shame as he was actually a nice looking guy, but there is absolutely no way I'd look at him in real life after that first set of messages.

@stayawayyyyyfromdatingapps

Another: got to an organised drinks first date, and the guy had those white stringy bits all around his crusty lips. I kept licking my lips in the hope he'd do the same and kept thinking fuck me if he kisses me im going to have to see the hygienist.

Yeah this. ^ I would have vomited if I had seen that man ... 😖 I wouldn't have licked my lips, I would have run!

Yes, you did. It may be medical, and I am unaware of a condition that could cause those symptoms, but could also just be because he doesn’t take care of himself.
I’m sure you’re going to enlighten me though …

Young , single teaching colleague on a date. Met him in Waitrose cafe in Cirencester. He was nice looking and chatty. They were chatting about ordinary stuff when he suddenly asked her about nipple clamps and how she felt about them. Followed this up by announcing that he had a variety of paddles of different sizes and would want her to spank him with them. She left.
I'm in a social group for people aged 50 plus . Every single one of the single women has been sent dick pics randomly whilst having a normal conversation.

😂

In the days before apps, my friend used a newspaper’s contact site. (Several of the newspapers used to do it in the 90’s.) She met a guy in a pub for a meal, first date and all was going well until they discussed what ideal job they would prefer if they could start again from scratch. His ideal job was to be a hangman……she ran for the hills…

Regardless, it is utterly vile to wish that on people. Awful.

A hangman?! 😂 He was clearly taking the piss! There's no such thing in 2025, (not in the Western World anyway.)

I call it ' old man goop'. Lots of my husband 70 plus year old relatives have it. Absolutely revolting

I am disbelief that you are unaware that dry lips and/or dry mouth is a manifestation of various medical conditions and treatments.

• High doses of vitamin A
• Vitamin B deficiency
• Chemotherapy
• Certain antibiotics
• Sjogren's syndrome

(Just to throw a few examples out).

I have direct experience with a couple of the above.

Indeed. He just wished he could be one 😱😆

They clearly don't like it when the tables are turned on them!

Well done that woman!!!

@Doodleflips Regardless, it is utterly vile to wish that on people. Awful.

Logically, anyone who thinks a medical condition is humorous shouldn't have any issue if they had that same condition.