Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to make your vulva clamp shut: a tinder story

695 replies

stayawayyyyyfromdatingapps · 03/02/2025 17:54

Hi ladies!

I'm after your funny / horror / tinder or date stories or something that made your vulva clamp shut from men. Fucking men. I want to stay away from men and dating apps and in seeking to be completely put off for life!

I'll go first.. I got an absolute shiner off of tinder say to me 'I really want you to be my girlfriend, so you can see to my trouser cannon every day.

Fucking TROUSER CANNON.

Another: got to an organised drinks first date, and the guy had those white stringy bits all around his crusty lips. I kept licking my lips in the hope he'd do the same and kept thinking fuck me if he kisses me im going to have to see the hygienist.

Another took screenshots off of my social media, and told me that im wearing 'too much makeup' and he likes his 'girls' (yes girls) to dress modestly and be more natural. The photo he picked was me at a concert, covered in glitter.
Note: this bloke has botox. But told me off for wearing glitter.

Lastly: met a bloke in the supermarket of all places. Asked me out for a drink and I agreed. Exchanged numbers. (I was 18 at this point). He said that he was Russell brands cousin and he had RB and katy Perry coming round that evening for drinks and would I like to join? I was SO EXCITED. Funnily enough, I'd just seen her on tour the week before and knew for a fine fact she wasn't in the country. But anyhoo I thought I'd play along. Anyway, he said he would pick me up at X time on the back of his motorbike. (I wouldn't have gone.) when he told me he was on his way, apparently in the 10 minute journey his Nan died, and he also got pulled over for speeding and immediately lost his license and asked if he could come to mine.

I am so happy to be out of relationships. Men can fuck off. Posting for traffic.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
Saggyknickers · 03/02/2025 20:25

shuggles · 03/02/2025 20:22

@stayawayyyyyfromdatingapps Another: got to an organised drinks first date, and the guy had those white stringy bits all around his crusty lips. I kept licking my lips in the hope he'd do the same and kept thinking fuck me if he kisses me im going to have to see the hygienist.

Ridiculing medical issues on an online forum. Lovely.

WTF?? 🤣🤣🤣🤣

billybear · 03/02/2025 20:28

years ago went on a blind date, he turned up in a hearse in black undertaker suit just finished work there was no number 2 date

TitusMoan · 03/02/2025 20:28

Simonlebonbon · 03/02/2025 19:20

I’m not changing or altering a bloody thing about this story and nor do I care if it’s outing, I’ve wanted to tell this story for the longest time. I can remember it like it’s happened today despite being easily over 10 years ago now.

I’m young and single and relatively skint.
I’ve taken some holiday from work and my son is in after school club until 5 so I have a mooch on pof and this very cool looking firefighter starts chatting. He asks me what I’m up to, I explain I’ve a few hours to kill and he offers to buy me lunch.
I agree because - bored and skint. So he picks me up outside my local pub.
I get in the car and it’s a very dull day and he has sunglasses on, like he did in the picture. But he’s about 20 years older than the picture.
He also smells of cigarettes, stale boozey smell and massive BO. But he’d driven off almost immediately. I realised I’d just gotten into a car with a stranger who could be anyone. He takes the shades off to reveal two extremely small and inverted eyes which didn’t bother me, I felt I understood the glasses a bit more but he takes one look at my 23 year old self (he’s easy hitting 50) and says that he thought I’d be slimmer.
I change the subject and ask about work. He volunteers as a firefighter. Allegedly. I ask about his interests. He (not even the biggest red flag) likes Bernard manning and chubby brown. He asks did I like comedy. Yes indeed, but more George Carlin/Dave Chappell. Tells me he doesn’t know who they are so they can’t be that funny. (idiot) then he tells me, a woman who at this time works with musicians, who can play an instrument herself and has spent all my leisure time watching bands or going to festivals that he hates girls who like music or football. Fucking peach this fella was. We’re getting further away from my house and we’re driving past a McDonald’s that’s on a retail park and there wasn’t any busses home from there, but he pulls over and asks do I want to go the drive through. I say not really and out of nowhere he tells me he’s still sleeping at his exes for the kids sake so if I wanted to fuck him it would have to be in the woods. I tell him that’s not a concern, I won’t be fucking him. He asks do I want to be bent over the bonnet of his car and I didn’t feel unsafe, he wasn’t threatening, just an idiot. But I obviously wasn’t happy. I told him he needed to drive if he wanted lunch with me and gave him directions to a pub near where I both had my gran, friends local and my mums work place. He reluctantly agreed but carried on the sex talk. Over the car park of this pub my grans was in running distance and I said I had a headache and asked could I go into the the shop for paracetamol. This is when I felt a bit uneasy because he said he had his uniform to wear to fuck me senseless in and knew where there were woods locally we could go, he really didn’t want me to leave the car when I said I wanted to get some medicine. So I gave him a pound and asked him to get it. He agreed. But locked the door of his car. So I hop in the back seat, roll the window down and climb my self out, then run towards my grans for my bus fare home. He was in a good sized lunch queue and because I’d got out the back of the car he didn’t see me run off. He then messages me, still on pof luckily not my number, asking me was it because he was ugly I legged it and to apologise can he drive me home?! Cheeky prick, his looks weren’t the reason I fled from his stinking and filthy vehicle. I’m okay with anyone no matter how they look, but not knowing who George Carlin is was a cardinal sin.
I replied with his face being nowhere near as ugly as his personality and to never contact me again.
Anyway my lovely grandma made me tea and toast and gave me a lovely cuddle. So a lovely way to spend my day off.

If he’d been pleasant, not a liar, an genuine firefighter, actually single, not smelly, willing to go somewhere other than maccies, not sexually aggressive in conversation, not rude about my looks and passions and interests, had he not awful taste in comedy and not been a massive creepy misogynist who was taking 20 years off his age and didn’t leave me worried I was about to be discovered by a dog walker in the wooded area next to my grandmas, he’d have still not been a catch 🤣

OMG

That’s terrifying

shuggles · 03/02/2025 20:29

@Doodleflips How is that medical?

Are you actually asking this question because you are unaware that issues with dry lips and dry mouth are caused by a range of medical issues and treatments? Did I read that right?

ExtraOnions · 03/02/2025 20:29

I thought of another …

..in my 20s, single, works night out .. hooked up with some guy from work. I didn’t particularly fancy him, but I had had a couple of drink, we shared a taxi etc.

Anyhow, we were in my bedroom, and I had this full length mirror on the front of my wardrobe. He jumped naked, out of bed .. and started posing in front of the mirror - like judo or muscleman poses .. staring at himself saying “I’ve got the most amazing body” “do you not think I’ve got an amazing body” - erm no.

Managed to bundle him off in a taxi.

Monday morning comes .. Off into the office, remembering with horror, that he sat opposite me, and I had to kept looking at him .. remembering his awful posed nakedness

VodkaCola · 03/02/2025 20:29

shuggles · 03/02/2025 20:22

@stayawayyyyyfromdatingapps Another: got to an organised drinks first date, and the guy had those white stringy bits all around his crusty lips. I kept licking my lips in the hope he'd do the same and kept thinking fuck me if he kisses me im going to have to see the hygienist.

Ridiculing medical issues on an online forum. Lovely.

So you kiss him then. 😆

holrosea · 03/02/2025 20:31

Second or third date with a guy I thought I quite liked... until he proudly showed me his membership card for a very right-wing political party & (despite my protestations) spent the next 45 minutes telling me about the upcoming civil war.

ExtraOnions · 03/02/2025 20:32

shuggles · 03/02/2025 20:29

@Doodleflips How is that medical?

Are you actually asking this question because you are unaware that issues with dry lips and dry mouth are caused by a range of medical issues and treatments? Did I read that right?

Or .. he could just be skanky

shuggles · 03/02/2025 20:34

VodkaCola · 03/02/2025 20:29

So you kiss him then. 😆

Show quote history

You're being silly. No one is obliged to kiss anyone who they don't want to, but that's not an excuse to ridicule an issue online that is generally related to various medical problems.

Agapornis · 03/02/2025 20:36

Scirocco · 03/02/2025 19:12

Original series, TNG or DS9?

(Let's be honest, nobody's going to bring out Enterprise or Voyager)

Show quote history

I wouldn't kick Chakotay or Seven of Nine out of my bed...

VodkaCola · 03/02/2025 20:38

shuggles · 03/02/2025 20:34

You're being silly. No one is obliged to kiss anyone who they don't want to, but that's not an excuse to ridicule an issue online that is generally related to various medical problems.

Show quote history

You are taking a post on a jokey thread way too seriously.

And women are allowed to not date a man for any reason they choose.

Stop being so judgemental and holier-than-thou about it.

Polkadotbabushka · 03/02/2025 20:38

Moier · 03/02/2025 18:45

Took a train to meet a guy ( he asked me out for lunch). We went to a cafe ( just your average cafe) and sat down to look at the menu.. l said oh I will have the jacket potato with tuna mayo. £ 5.50. A fanta orange £1.60.
He took ages looking at the menu .. then stood up and said " come on we are going I'm not paying these prices".
I was so hungry having had no breakfast and was an hour train ( cost me £12 )..
We ended up walking round town.. l thought we were looking for another cafe.. just as we were passing a Greg's he gave me a pound coin and said " here get in the queue and buy yourself a sausage roll on me"
I threw the pound back at him and walked off in the direction of the train station.

Wow that’s so funny! What a tight arse! Even the first place sounds stingy!

ExtraOnions · 03/02/2025 20:40

Scirocco · 03/02/2025 19:12

Original series, TNG or DS9?

(Let's be honest, nobody's going to bring out Enterprise or Voyager)

Show quote history

I would have been 93 or 94 .. still whatever was about at that time.

i never actually saw it .. 😂😂

shuggles · 03/02/2025 20:41

@VodkaCola You are taking a post on a jokey thread way too seriously.

Not at all. If you had severe eczema on your face or psoriasis, and some man made a comment about it on an online forum, would you be comfortable with that?

And women are allowed to not date a man for any reason they choose.

Literally what I just said then?

LookItsMeAgain · 03/02/2025 20:41

Threewheeler1 · 03/02/2025 18:51

😂
When I was a teenager (early 90's) I met up with a guy who'd looked normal in daytime, but he turned up to the pub (average jeans & t-shirt type of village pub) wearing a velvet fitted single button jacket with nothing underneath. He'd floofed his hair up so it was really bouffant on top.
Think he was after a David Hasselhoff look, but his skin was the colour of mushroom soup and he looked like he was making a slow recovery from consumption.
Such a whiny attention-seeking idiot too.
Twas a long evening.

Show quote history

Was he wearing trousers with this velvet jacket or was it more like a tuxedo dress look that he was going for?

LunchtimeNaps · 03/02/2025 20:41

Some years ago in a night club I met a guy, don't remember much of him but I do remember he asked to come back to my accommodation (I was in a two week training course) but had to let me know I needed to be bald down there because he doesn't fuck hairy pussy, but it's ok he will shave me first.

VodkaCola · 03/02/2025 20:41

shuggles · 03/02/2025 20:41

@VodkaCola You are taking a post on a jokey thread way too seriously.

Not at all. If you had severe eczema on your face or psoriasis, and some man made a comment about it on an online forum, would you be comfortable with that?

And women are allowed to not date a man for any reason they choose.

Literally what I just said then?

Oh chill out. I can't be arsed with you any more.

WarrenPearce · 03/02/2025 20:41

witwatwoo · 03/02/2025 18:13

He said 'boom' at the end of sentences - 'I'm going into town - boom !'
Also used 'I'm on fire' a lot. Pity he wasn't

In my head I heard that in the voice of Barry Scott. 😂

Zone2NorthLondon · 03/02/2025 20:41

stayawayyyyyfromdatingapps · 03/02/2025 18:12

Ahhhh this reminds me of a V recent one! (Note, this is trouser cannon guy.)

When I said I wasn't looking for anything further, he asked if we could be FWB. I declined.

He then called me a melt.. for not wanting to shag him. So I called him out on it and got a very similar reply to what you got. 'It's a jooooke.'

Cor they have a lot of nerve done they, with a sprinkling of gaslighting.

Show quote history

Melt, I always hear that in a Danny Dyer accent

TwistedWonder · 03/02/2025 20:41

VodkaCola · 03/02/2025 20:38

You are taking a post on a jokey thread way too seriously.

And women are allowed to not date a man for any reason they choose.

Stop being so judgemental and holier-than-thou about it.

Show quote history

Ignore - he’s our resident forum mainsplainer who loves scolding women

shuggles · 03/02/2025 20:43

@TwistedWonder Ignore - he’s our resident forum mainsplainer who loves scolding women

Not at all. I would call out anyone who has an empathy bypass.

Haffiana · 03/02/2025 20:43

shuggles · 03/02/2025 20:22

@stayawayyyyyfromdatingapps Another: got to an organised drinks first date, and the guy had those white stringy bits all around his crusty lips. I kept licking my lips in the hope he'd do the same and kept thinking fuck me if he kisses me im going to have to see the hygienist.

Ridiculing medical issues on an online forum. Lovely.

Having a performative virtue signal wank on an online forum. Lovely.

holrosea · 03/02/2025 20:44

Just remembered: a FWB (more B than F) who said mid-shag that he wanted us to have a baby because I am "fierce" so would "give him a son".

Besides the total lack of GCSE biology knowledge, he continued to tell me how we (me, him, son, his ex & their daughter) would all move to Bristol where he'd open a restaurant & we'd all live as one happy family in his commune... 🙈

Wendolino · 03/02/2025 20:45

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 03/02/2025 19:34

Cinema date 1990’s. Arranged by phone after we had met in a bar.
He was late and when I got in the car there was a box of Maltesers on the seat. He had pre-bought them in the shop to ‘save’ buying them there.
When we got there we were late, the film had already started and he suggested going to a very fancy bar.
Then told me I could get that drinks in, as he was the transport… and had bought cinema snacks.
Three rounds in I asked to go home.
As I went to get out of the car I took the Maltesers and he was fuming - he wanted to take them back for a refund. £1.99!
I went in and had a cuppa with my mum and we scoffed the lot. Told everyone in work the next day.
Years later he randomly came into my work to do a presentation to a hundred of us, I’d told one friend and then it got round. And just as he got all his gear ready she shouted…
‘Welcome to the stage, Malteser Man!’

Edited

That reminds me of someone who came to do a presentation at our company. She was the ex of one of our workmates, who in a moment of madness had told the office gossip that she was crazy for an*l sex and demanded it constantly.
Of course, gossip told everyone and I'm sure we were all thinking about it throughout the presentation.

Scirocco · 03/02/2025 20:45

ExtraOnions · 03/02/2025 20:40

I would have been 93 or 94 .. still whatever was about at that time.

i never actually saw it .. 😂😂

Show quote history

TOS or TNG then, possibly early DS9. Later stage DS9 is vastly superior, so unless it was a vintage TOS blue shirt with the kickflares and period-accurate accessories, I'd probably prefer to just have a nice cup of tea. Earl Gray. Hot.