How to make your vulva clamp shut: a tinder story

[stayawayyyyyfromdatingapps]

Hi ladies!

I'm after your funny / horror / tinder or date stories or something that made your vulva clamp shut from men. Fucking men. I want to stay away from men and dating apps and in seeking to be completely put off for life!

I'll go first.. I got an absolute shiner off of tinder say to me 'I really want you to be my girlfriend, so you can see to my trouser cannon every day.

Fucking TROUSER CANNON.

Another: got to an organised drinks first date, and the guy had those white stringy bits all around his crusty lips. I kept licking my lips in the hope he'd do the same and kept thinking fuck me if he kisses me im going to have to see the hygienist.

Another took screenshots off of my social media, and told me that im wearing 'too much makeup' and he likes his 'girls' (yes girls) to dress modestly and be more natural. The photo he picked was me at a concert, covered in glitter.
Note: this bloke has botox. But told me off for wearing glitter.

Lastly: met a bloke in the supermarket of all places. Asked me out for a drink and I agreed. Exchanged numbers. (I was 18 at this point). He said that he was Russell brands cousin and he had RB and katy Perry coming round that evening for drinks and would I like to join? I was SO EXCITED. Funnily enough, I'd just seen her on tour the week before and knew for a fine fact she wasn't in the country. But anyhoo I thought I'd play along. Anyway, he said he would pick me up at X time on the back of his motorbike. (I wouldn't have gone.) when he told me he was on his way, apparently in the 10 minute journey his Nan died, and he also got pulled over for speeding and immediately lost his license and asked if he could come to mine.

I am so happy to be out of relationships. Men can fuck off. Posting for traffic.

Holy freedom,that’s an oxymoron - This is so not about holy freedom. Your post is literally incoherent. No idea what message you think you’re imparting

Well thats a weird stream of conciousness... from someone with little grasp of English and apparently, barely concious!

Google translate or similar tool perhaps?

Sounds like a Nigerian Prince to me. Offer of share of inheritance incoming.

Oh dear, in between the word salad it seems this Incel poster is suggesting that we will screw around with anyone as much as we can if we get the chance. And that our mothers would have been the same if they had the chance too. Oh, and that we have to be "taught" how to clamp their vulvas.

News for you kiddo - I am around 15 years celibate by choice because I can't be naffed with men's egos, their entitlement, their overall sense of superiority. Added to that, I need to actually fancy a guy to have sex with them physically as well as mentally - that doesn't mean they have to look like a Greek God, just that there has to be a spark.

Women aren't being "taught" how to clamp up - the behaviours and attitude of some men make it an autonomous reflex action.

@HisHororable

I think I speak for us all when I say WTAF are you rambling on about?

Anyway ladies as we were…..

Why do dating story threads always attract the poor menz brigade or actual men themselves?? So tiresome!

I reactivated my tinder just to see if I had any funny messages to report back here, and I was met with 'I would like to eat a cheese toastie out of your arsecrack.'

Ladies, I absolutely cannot hold myself back. THAT is romance. What I've been waiting for. I will certainly organise for this bloke holding a rather large fish as his display picture to come over to my house, who I've never met. And I will be on the sofa bent over with a lightly toasted grilled cheese sandwich positioned between by two cheeks.

I cannot wait for the BV to follow.

Arent we lucky!?!?

"I reactivated my tinder just to see if I had any funny messages to report back here, and I was met with 'I would like to eat a cheese toastie out of your arsecrack.'"

Chivalry truly is not dead, @stayawayyyyyfromdatingapps! Though I assume from the deletions that it (and perhaps manners, decency and respect) are on the Critical List chez @HisHororable).

And, on a practical level, would it be a luke warm toasty (nasty) or are you getting first degree molton cheese burns on your arse?

The deleted messages were yet another random bloke mansplaining where we’re all going wrong which is apparently we should not be turning down any of these useless blokes. Instead we should shagging then all like unpaid porn stars and our mums would all be doing the same if they had the chance.

Bless him

Ahhh - thank you, @TwistedWonder. So definitely no manners, decency or respect then.

"Why do dating story threads always attract the poor menz brigade or actual men themselves?? So tiresome!"

Terror of women having high standards imo. It's obviously important to them that we take shit and be grateful for it. How dare we talk like we might reject them for their words or their behaviour. Why should they have to be decent people.

It's frightening really how angry some people get when a woman has clear boundaries and will walk away.

Yep. The original mansplainer from this thread was on another one recently scolding women for having any sort of standards and telling us the ONLY criteria we should require is being male and being a nice person

Any other requirements means we’re ‘picky’ and have ‘unrealistic expectations’

How dare we!

Although I bet that sort of man has an exact image of the kind of woman they 'deserve'.

Yes,they'll always be rumbled eventually!

You missed out the part where he was trying to mansplain in such a weird, convoluted word salad that his first post was indecipherable without getting a severe migraine, and his second wasn't much better - hence me trying to translate what he'd tried to say in my first paragraph!

I think I'll go straight for a bare back Camembert, I'll be honest.

Many years ago I was sitting on an early morning train to a work meeting and quickly put a bit of make up on , just a little mascara , blusher and lippy . Half an hour later I got off the train then changed tubes twice. While I was waiting on the platform for the second change a man came up to me , gave me a piece of paper and walked away. It was a poem about me putting my make up on. He’d followed me all that time without me realising it !! Shudder.

Hi I would like to offer a guy's perspective here. First off before I even go there the whole world of online dating (particularly Tinder, Bumble, Hinge etc) has hugely skewed the way people interact and probably to the detriment of lasting and meaningful relationships. That does not mean that they cannot be found but there are a lot of people on them who are there for one thing only and if that is also your thing, then go for it, but otherwise I would proceed very cautiously.

I like to think I was one of the genuine guys there who had a brief spell in 2020 dating before I abandoned it completely. In truth I was not ready for any relationship at that point but I did enjoy meeting ladies, if not to break the monotony of a single life staring at the walls etc. Sex-wise I never talked about it or pushed for it as I was not really after that anyway (that could follow after rapport was built in my mind).

However the whole "situationship" culture has only grown because of these apps. There are a whole load of men, and women, out there after an undefined, open and sexual relationship without committment. The problem is there will often be one in that (initially attractive) scenario that seeks committment. Many men out there will not follow through and then run off. What this does to your spirit in the long run is probably not a good thing in my opinion but you may differ.

Finally just to offer my horror stories up one lady only would meet me if she could wear a strap-on and peg me up the backside before I was ever allowed to have regular sex with her. This was all made very clear within the first few minutes of chatting with her.

Another woman, who worked and lived in a nursing home and on her 4 day break made it clear that she needed relentless sex to satisfy her immense libido which I think only a rugby team could have satisfied. To get me hooked in she sent unsolicited explicit videos of herself masturbating. Again these were sent almost immediately.

Never met either of them by the way. I don't do "crazy". Just thought I would balance out the threads above as they were a bit biased one way!

Gosh, that's exactly what women needed - a man entering the conversation.

I wonder just how many times that woman had been asked (or not even been asked, just had it attempted) for anal? Seems like an effective way of filtering out the twats who are obsessed with the whole idea since it's featured in so much online porn, along with choking.

Oh thank God! A man is here!

The woman who apparently insisted on pegging the bloke before he could shag her, is an absolute genius. 😂
So many creepy pervs think anal is normal sexual activity - mostly because they watch too much porn. She's very cleverly turned the situation around and Man Here (trademark) fell for it, bless him.

This thread is depressing.

If you vetted your dates more thoroughly, you could avoid many of these awful situations!

I chose Tinder because it meant one less night in alone with the cat.

In fairness, I’m not sure how women can avoid being sent dick pics by men they are chatting to online. Unless you put on your profile “Do not send me dick pics” - it should be obvious but it seems that it isn’t.

Boom! There we have it. Blame the woman for what a man does

Don’t over burden men with responsibility for their own actions- Of course it’s the woman fault for not choosing a more suitable suitor

Some men they have a good social veneer,present as capeable,write dating narratives that omit their nasty predilections. But it’s the woman fault for lack of vetting

Faiilure to adequately vet, that’s up there with shouldn’t have gone out wearing that…shouldn’t be out so late. All statements that apportion blame to women for the inappropriate behaviour of men