How to make your vulva clamp shut: a tinder story

[stayawayyyyyfromdatingapps]

Hi ladies!

I'm after your funny / horror / tinder or date stories or something that made your vulva clamp shut from men. Fucking men. I want to stay away from men and dating apps and in seeking to be completely put off for life!

I'll go first.. I got an absolute shiner off of tinder say to me 'I really want you to be my girlfriend, so you can see to my trouser cannon every day.

Fucking TROUSER CANNON.

Another: got to an organised drinks first date, and the guy had those white stringy bits all around his crusty lips. I kept licking my lips in the hope he'd do the same and kept thinking fuck me if he kisses me im going to have to see the hygienist.

Another took screenshots off of my social media, and told me that im wearing 'too much makeup' and he likes his 'girls' (yes girls) to dress modestly and be more natural. The photo he picked was me at a concert, covered in glitter.
Note: this bloke has botox. But told me off for wearing glitter.

Lastly: met a bloke in the supermarket of all places. Asked me out for a drink and I agreed. Exchanged numbers. (I was 18 at this point). He said that he was Russell brands cousin and he had RB and katy Perry coming round that evening for drinks and would I like to join? I was SO EXCITED. Funnily enough, I'd just seen her on tour the week before and knew for a fine fact she wasn't in the country. But anyhoo I thought I'd play along. Anyway, he said he would pick me up at X time on the back of his motorbike. (I wouldn't have gone.) when he told me he was on his way, apparently in the 10 minute journey his Nan died, and he also got pulled over for speeding and immediately lost his license and asked if he could come to mine.

I am so happy to be out of relationships. Men can fuck off. Posting for traffic.

If I were you, @stayawayyyyyfromdatingapps, I would reply - "This is not a joke, you are harassing and scaring me. Do not contact me again."

Stay safe & don't hesitate to report the creep if he keeps on! xxx

@stayawayyyyyfromdatingapps Please report. As an ex cop I can guarantee he'll be the office perv. He'll likely be harassing his colleagues but it's very difficult due to the culture to for a female to actually report. The perv in my team ended up sexually assaulting me but when my Sgt was told it was all treated as a big joke. (Asking on parade if I wanted to be paired up with the perv and when I said 'no' the response was 'so you don't fancy a bit of a grope tonight?') accompanied by uproarious laughter. I was only taken serious when the Sgt witnessed an incident but even then perv got a bollocking but I was never even spoken to.

Sorry. Derailing what was a generally amusing thread.

I'd report it already. He's unhinged and may well be a danger to women in his police role (whether officer or civil). You met him once, and now he's saying you've been by his side through the most difficult parts of his life?! Wtf.

I'd send a final message saying 'never contact me again or I'll contact the police' first, then if/when he does, report him. You can report it anyway though, but as I understand it, when reporting the police find a 'never contact me again' message clearer than blocking.

Thank you! I am currently writing a thesis and have lost a bit of 'writer confidence' so this is a very nice compliment (of course being good at academic writing and being good at writing about incompetent gross blokes may well be a rather different skillset, though)! 😂

Ah thats good to know. I'll unblock, send that message, then block again. Thank you!

It sounds like he is police staff, not an officer but you should report him

Bit harsh to banish all men , all your stories seems like it’s YOU who picks the wrong bloke , seems you have a type haha

Men are just like moths to a flame to this thread.
Jog on

After coming to the conclusion that I had become invisible to the opposite sex I had three approaches in a fortnight. One was a trainer for a software company, who on my last training session and test asked me if I would like to celebrate in a different way. The sub-text was blindingly obvious. I was taken aback and declined the offer. The next had the looks of Marty Feldman. I would have appreciated the "exercise" but couldn't face it. The third just asked for a shag over a coffee. I decided to stick at being single even longer, sinking back into invisibility and enjoying it.

I was out in a nightclub with my DH some years ago and heavily pregnant at the time. My DH went to the toilet and a guy sidled over and tried to pick me up. I can’t remember what he said, I was that gobsmacked. I mean, I would have thought that the huge beachball size protrusion sticking out in front of me would have been a hint that he was barking up the wrong tree!

Met a guy in the pub who was missing a front tooth. He was trying to get me to go home with him and decided the best way to tempt me was to offer to suck my nipple through the gap in his teeth.
Also had a colleague who met a guy who asked her back to his for a bowl of stew 😆
Both gentlemen were unsuccessful and went home alone.

@Bibliopuss72 a bowl of stew 🤣🤣🤣 don’t know why but that’s really made me laugh .
the other bloke 🤢

Yep, spot the incel. 😆

What a creep coming on women's forums..

But weird really. This thread shouldn't make you feel offended u less you're one of those disturbing creeps

So are app the 400+ women on here picking the wrong one?

No, it's you and your breed. Blokes who think their 'it' with their cock constantly in their hand

Off you fuck

I went on a date years ago with a guy from POF (maybe showing my age 😳). I realised quite early on that there was no chemistry, but I got drunk and he stayed sober. We were in an indie bar and started chatting with a married couple, she kept telling me how much this guy liked me and I was just not interested. One of my workmates came in with his mates, so I said to my date that I was not interested and going to see my friend instead - he stayed for ages staring at me then tried to kiss me before he left - i was so flipping glad to be with a group of blokes!!!

I’d have went for the stew ! 😂😂

Nice to know Basil Brush is still single 🤣

Your stories are so funny, have you ever thought of writing a book with illustrations?

Trouser cannon 😬🤣🤣🤣

for me it has to be the guy who thought it was ok to send dick pics after just one date . And being honest I’ve seen bigger cocktail sausages 😂😂😂

I've always thought that if I ever went on a dating app I'd be too boring for anyone to be interested. After reading this thread I now think I may be more 'normal' than other men!

Internet dating is a minefield for both sides, a male friend recalled the following (same girl) :

1. First phone call, after a few online text chats, going well but a noticeable lull in conversation, she's obviously distracted and when asked she replied "sorry, I just came".
2. First meeting, he arrived at hers early afternoon to go for a meal, 2 steps up she was obviously shorter than she said, blinked her eyes and asked "the tables booked, but do fancy a shag first or afterwards"
3. First country walk, she was looking furtive and replied "I'm wondering if the trees are thick enough to hide us from the road if you want a shag".

Persistent he said and in need.....

Can't believe he met her and more than once. I'm afraid that says rather a lot about your friend as well as the woman concerned.

Omg that it so weird.
I used to see a guy every day whilst walking to work. I was aware that he was looking at me all the time. One day he cornered me and asked if I would take off my shoes so he could suck my toes!
I said no and walked off quickly.