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Original poster

How to make your vulva clamp shut: a tinder story

695 replies

stayawayyyyyfromdatingapps · 03/02/2025 17:54

Hi ladies!

I'm after your funny / horror / tinder or date stories or something that made your vulva clamp shut from men. Fucking men. I want to stay away from men and dating apps and in seeking to be completely put off for life!

I'll go first.. I got an absolute shiner off of tinder say to me 'I really want you to be my girlfriend, so you can see to my trouser cannon every day.

Fucking TROUSER CANNON.

Another: got to an organised drinks first date, and the guy had those white stringy bits all around his crusty lips. I kept licking my lips in the hope he'd do the same and kept thinking fuck me if he kisses me im going to have to see the hygienist.

Another took screenshots off of my social media, and told me that im wearing 'too much makeup' and he likes his 'girls' (yes girls) to dress modestly and be more natural. The photo he picked was me at a concert, covered in glitter.
Note: this bloke has botox. But told me off for wearing glitter.

Lastly: met a bloke in the supermarket of all places. Asked me out for a drink and I agreed. Exchanged numbers. (I was 18 at this point). He said that he was Russell brands cousin and he had RB and katy Perry coming round that evening for drinks and would I like to join? I was SO EXCITED. Funnily enough, I'd just seen her on tour the week before and knew for a fine fact she wasn't in the country. But anyhoo I thought I'd play along. Anyway, he said he would pick me up at X time on the back of his motorbike. (I wouldn't have gone.) when he told me he was on his way, apparently in the 10 minute journey his Nan died, and he also got pulled over for speeding and immediately lost his license and asked if he could come to mine.

I am so happy to be out of relationships. Men can fuck off. Posting for traffic.

OP posts:
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Original poster
stayawayyyyyfromdatingapps · 09/02/2025 14:06

Lovelycupofcoffee · 09/02/2025 10:13

for me it has to be the guy who thought it was ok to send dick pics after just one date . And being honest I’ve seen bigger cocktail sausages 😂😂😂

Why do men do that? Why do they think we're foaming at the mouth for their penis? They just assume that we're gagging for it. When in reality blokes with cock in hand are just a huge turn off! I think men are more obsessed with their dicks than women are.

Honestly these men are so gross. Showing off their little cocks like some prized art exhibition..

OP posts:
Original poster
stayawayyyyyfromdatingapps · 09/02/2025 14:07

SolsticeGuy · 09/02/2025 10:19

I've always thought that if I ever went on a dating app I'd be too boring for anyone to be interested. After reading this thread I now think I may be more 'normal' than other men!

We welcome normality with open arms.

The other blokes who have commented have literally proven our points on this thread!

Normal is nice, stay normal :)

OP posts:
Original poster
stayawayyyyyfromdatingapps · 09/02/2025 14:12

FenixWinda · 09/02/2025 11:44

Internet dating is a minefield for both sides, a male friend recalled the following (same girl) :

  1. First phone call, after a few online text chats, going well but a noticeable lull in conversation, she's obviously distracted and when asked she replied "sorry, I just came".
  2. First meeting, he arrived at hers early afternoon to go for a meal, 2 steps up she was obviously shorter than she said, blinked her eyes and asked "the tables booked, but do fancy a shag first or afterwards"
  3. First country walk, she was looking furtive and replied "I'm wondering if the trees are thick enough to hide us from the road if you want a shag".
Persistent he said and in need.....

The obvious difference between the two is there's a huge power imbalance. Men are stronger than woman and statistically way more likely to abuse women, than women do men.
A woman would find it quite difficult to pin down a typically built bloke. A woman cannot rape a man in the eyes of the law, but blokes rape women all the time.

He must've been enjoying the ego boost if he kept meeting up with her over and over. And I bet my life savings he didn't say no to the shags.

OP posts:
TopOfTheFlippyFlops · 09/02/2025 14:44

Not OLD but in my late teens back in the 80's, i hooked up with a slightly older bloke who i'd met with friends a few times in a local pub. After a bit of a tot the one day he asked if i wanted to go back to his. Feeling warm and tingly as you do i said yeahh, why not. Anyways, back at his after having another drink or 2 things heated up a bit with a little snogaroony... and then progressed to more eating me alive snogging with wandering hands. When all of a sudden he full on belched into my mouth, the gas filling my lungs and puffing out my cheeks!!!! How i didn't vomit i will never know. Needless to say, i never hooked up with him again

Noshowlomo · 09/02/2025 15:38

@TopOfTheFlippyFlops im so sorry but I laughed at that! 😂😂 just awful

AngelicKaty · 09/02/2025 16:27

Fluffydino21 · 03/02/2025 19:03

I know someone who had a second date with a guy who asked outright if she would be willing to rim him ‘in principle’ because that was a real deal breaker for him and he didn’t want to waste his time.

But then the same guy also had the nerve to tell her that she wasn’t really the kind of girl he would want to introduce to his mum.

MN really needs to add a 😱 emoji to the "react" button!

Alltheyearround · 09/02/2025 16:41

Feelinghurt2 · 06/02/2025 15:09

I'm too old to ever have used OLD (see what I did there) but I have a few tales. There was one bloke I met who was in the navy and we had a few dates. He wrote to me when he went away with the navy and included a letter from his ex-girlfriend, the letter she had sent to him to dump him. So weird. I never knew quite what to make of it. It also included a photograph of her. Absolutely bizarre.

I went on a date with a bloke who said he would take me out for lunch. He ate the leftovers from the table next door to us in a pub. Black pudding, fried egg and half eaten toast. I paid for my own lunch as there was no offer from him to do so. He kept telling me what great value for money the place was. 😂 He tried to kiss me and he had a drip of snot hanging off the end of his nose. I later found out that he was married. What a catch.

Another one told the most massive stonking lies. He said his Dad was the Bishop of Portstmouth. He said that he had met Kylie Minogue and turned her down. He owned the house he lived in but it turned out he was the lodger. So so weird.

Another bloke who wanted to break into a manky old abandoned outhouse on the edge of a children's play park and have sex with me in there. We had gone for what I thought was a nice walk and he actually climbed through the window to check it out to see if there was something like a manky old mattress to lay on. It was like something out of hell in there. Crumbling walls and abandoned TVs. I waited til he'd climbed inside and ran in the other direction. 😂

Bishop of Portsmouth. That is hilarious.

You did the right thing to run. Manky old mattress in a derelict building. Jeez. The soul of romance. Not to mention dangerous, he could have done anything. Yikes. A lucky escape there.

pinkyredrose · 09/02/2025 17:58

Bibliopuss72 · 08/02/2025 19:37

Met a guy in the pub who was missing a front tooth. He was trying to get me to go home with him and decided the best way to tempt me was to offer to suck my nipple through the gap in his teeth.
Also had a colleague who met a guy who asked her back to his for a bowl of stew 😆
Both gentlemen were unsuccessful and went home alone.

Omfg!😆

SweetBabyCheesus · 09/02/2025 21:47

Deverthing · 08/02/2025 19:18

I was out in a nightclub with my DH some years ago and heavily pregnant at the time. My DH went to the toilet and a guy sidled over and tried to pick me up. I can’t remember what he said, I was that gobsmacked. I mean, I would have thought that the huge beachball size protrusion sticking out in front of me would have been a hint that he was barking up the wrong tree!

I was out for a couple of (soft) drinks when I was about 8 months pregnant with my daughter, over 25 years ago.

Some guy, that we sort of knew from Friday nights in the pub, said - "I'd like to feel that baby from the inside"

What. The. Fuck. Who says that??

Deverthing · 10/02/2025 15:23

SweetBabyCheesus · 09/02/2025 21:47

I was out for a couple of (soft) drinks when I was about 8 months pregnant with my daughter, over 25 years ago.

Some guy, that we sort of knew from Friday nights in the pub, said - "I'd like to feel that baby from the inside"

What. The. Fuck. Who says that??

Show quote history

Just ewww! I have no more words for that one.

NPET · 10/02/2025 16:39

Well I can immediately tell you that the worst date EVER for me was the one where the guy told me I used TOO MUCH TOILET PAPER !!!!

Can you f--king believe it?
I couldn't at the time.

One of my mates said I should have used it all and made him use newspaper.

O M G

AnnWalkersLeftSlipper · 10/02/2025 17:12

Dinsalia · 09/02/2025 07:11

Your stories are so funny, have you ever thought of writing a book with illustrations?

Show quote history

Did you mean to quote the OP @dinsalia ?

Also I'm sorry but the bowl of stew one has totally cracked me up. So random and probably the least romantic food ever! 😂

AnnWalkersLeftSlipper · 10/02/2025 18:03

Bibliopuss72 · 08/02/2025 19:37

Met a guy in the pub who was missing a front tooth. He was trying to get me to go home with him and decided the best way to tempt me was to offer to suck my nipple through the gap in his teeth.
Also had a colleague who met a guy who asked her back to his for a bowl of stew 😆
Both gentlemen were unsuccessful and went home alone.

The bowl of stew guy has reminded me;

Some years ago my then girlfriend got a weekend job in a rather 'sawdusty' pub-a huge bar more accurately that was a nightclub at night and a bar during the day. Rough as hell. I was studying at the time so I took to taking my laptop in whiel she worked and doing my coursework.

She never wanted me to go in, always tried to put me off, said it wasn't safe but I liked people watching (she was very rough round the edges, old-school bouncer, butch as ken so wasn't feeling unsafe herself)!

i got chatted up by ALL sorts in there! Notably one guy told me he'd just got out of prison and had been given a flat-the shower didn't work but it didn't matter because he had a single bed and his mate had lent him a duvet cover, did I want to come back?

He was wearing an ill-fitting suit jacket and a T-Shirt with a picture of a pint of Guinness on it.

I didn't take him up on his offer, in case you were wondering.

mauvish · 10/02/2025 21:50

I used to work in GUM clinic.

I (and other staff) were occasionally asked out by various of our patients. I could say more, perhaps about a diagnosis of multi-drug resistant gonorrhoea not being the best chat up line imaginable, but it might get a bit too outing (for the patient!)

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 11/02/2025 12:26

It's hard to imagine their thought process, @mauvish - 'Hmm - I am riddled with gonorrhoea, and this person knows I am. I bet she'd date me!!' 😂

NakedCivilServant · 11/02/2025 13:04

This reminds me of Jeremy in "Peep Show" when he goes to give sperm and asks the receptionist if she wants a private donation.

- YouTube

Enjoy the videos and music that you love, upload original content and share it all with friends, family and the world on YouTube.

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Louisa58 · 11/02/2025 20:10

Please report to protect yourself and others he may come into contact with. This is no way for anyone to behave let alone someone working in public services.

TheGhostsOfMeAndYou · 11/02/2025 23:16

I had a couple of horror stories but none quite as bad as some of these!

There was someone who matched with me on Tinder, whose profile picture was of a well known, in his genre, musician, the singer wasn't a household name so many woman wouldn't recognise him. I happened to be a big fan of this musician so asked why that was his profile photo and he blocked me!

There was the married man, who was just with his wife for the kids but didn't love her and didn't have sex. Quickly unmatched with him.

And there was the guy who described himself as a courier business owner. Turned out he actually worked for Amazon. No shade on that job but the lying and trying to make himself sound batter than he was, that was a big red flag.

Then there was this guy who I matched with on Tinder and we've now been married 10 years!

Not all bad out there. But you do have to kiss a lot of frogs!

HisHororable · 11/02/2025 23:18

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LillyPJ · 11/02/2025 23:24

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Well, that was certainly a lot of words...

Original poster
stayawayyyyyfromdatingapps · 11/02/2025 23:40

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Are you on glue?🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

OP posts:
Bibliopuss72 · 11/02/2025 23:50

Incel incoming.....

Undrugged · 11/02/2025 23:57

That’s not an incel. It’s a random word generator. Looks like something produced when I go to sleep lying on my phone keypad…

DurinsBane · 12/02/2025 00:25

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I’m confused……

HisHororable · 12/02/2025 01:22

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