How to make your vulva clamp shut: a tinder story

[stayawayyyyyfromdatingapps]

Hi ladies!

I'm after your funny / horror / tinder or date stories or something that made your vulva clamp shut from men. Fucking men. I want to stay away from men and dating apps and in seeking to be completely put off for life!

I'll go first.. I got an absolute shiner off of tinder say to me 'I really want you to be my girlfriend, so you can see to my trouser cannon every day.

Fucking TROUSER CANNON.

Another: got to an organised drinks first date, and the guy had those white stringy bits all around his crusty lips. I kept licking my lips in the hope he'd do the same and kept thinking fuck me if he kisses me im going to have to see the hygienist.

Another took screenshots off of my social media, and told me that im wearing 'too much makeup' and he likes his 'girls' (yes girls) to dress modestly and be more natural. The photo he picked was me at a concert, covered in glitter.
Note: this bloke has botox. But told me off for wearing glitter.

Lastly: met a bloke in the supermarket of all places. Asked me out for a drink and I agreed. Exchanged numbers. (I was 18 at this point). He said that he was Russell brands cousin and he had RB and katy Perry coming round that evening for drinks and would I like to join? I was SO EXCITED. Funnily enough, I'd just seen her on tour the week before and knew for a fine fact she wasn't in the country. But anyhoo I thought I'd play along. Anyway, he said he would pick me up at X time on the back of his motorbike. (I wouldn't have gone.) when he told me he was on his way, apparently in the 10 minute journey his Nan died, and he also got pulled over for speeding and immediately lost his license and asked if he could come to mine.

I am so happy to be out of relationships. Men can fuck off. Posting for traffic.

I got a taxi.

Thank you for the tip! I have followed him and laughed my head off already xx

At least he’s one of the more polite ones, seems harmless enough just has mummy issues 😁

@Poppymeldrum The absolute arrogance of these clown shoes never fails to amaze me! I wouldn’t let someone I’d been with 20 years tell me what I can and can’t wear, never mind some randomer on a dating site. So many are like this though… I like my women to wear- insert item of clothing, usually something revealing mini skirt or low cut top 🤮

Blimey. You do pick them!!
There are nice ones out there too. I reckon about 1 in every 10!!

I had one who kept asking me why my marriage ended, he just wouldn't let up. For most people it probably wouldn't have been an issue but I wasn't going to tell a complete stranger why. He then kept going on about how he had lost loads of weight, then became pushy about meeting up. I ignored him for a couple of days then blocked.

Another was obsessed with me wearing a red lacy thong and sending me a dick pic. It came across really creepy 🤢🤮. He got blocked.

I had one offer me money for sex if I met up with him. That was a block straight away (after I reported him).

Thankfully of the two I met, one was honest and genuinely lovely and kind, made me feel safe and did give good hugs! We saw each other regularly for about 7 months. The other was a complete mess, shouldn't have been dating at all but wasn't creepy just not ready to date.

Chad is an incel term, @Pippyls67. A Chad is a popular, handsome man who can easily 'get' women. The counterpart to Chad is Stacy.

The urban dictionary defines them like this:

"Originally associated with so-called incels, Stacy is pejorative slang term for a woman stereotyped as extremely good-looking, but also vapid, vain, rude, and only interested in sex. She is as the female counterpart to a Chad, or a successful, sexually accomplished alpha male."

I didn't have this but one guy asked for pictures of all my heels and then offered to buy me shoes! I declined.

Another guy also asked if he could come round and wank on my feet....when I seemed less than enthusiastic he followed it up with 'don't worry, it won't hurt'?!?! Um..thanks for that, funnily enough that wasn't why I wasn't interested! 😂

Oh good God! You've just unearthed a very deeply buried memory of something similar to this happening to me at Leicester Square underground station on the train platform, many moons ago. The bloke in question was mortified and muttered something about how he couldn't help it and then jumped on the next train and I never saw him again. I remember thinking he's got quite a long journey home in those trousers! Didn't know whether to laugh or cry. 😂 So glad you never bumped into said bloke again!

I'm too old to ever have used OLD (see what I did there) but I have a few tales. There was one bloke I met who was in the navy and we had a few dates. He wrote to me when he went away with the navy and included a letter from his ex-girlfriend, the letter she had sent to him to dump him. So weird. I never knew quite what to make of it. It also included a photograph of her. Absolutely bizarre.

I went on a date with a bloke who said he would take me out for lunch. He ate the leftovers from the table next door to us in a pub. Black pudding, fried egg and half eaten toast. I paid for my own lunch as there was no offer from him to do so. He kept telling me what great value for money the place was. 😂 He tried to kiss me and he had a drip of snot hanging off the end of his nose. I later found out that he was married. What a catch.

Another one told the most massive stonking lies. He said his Dad was the Bishop of Portstmouth. He said that he had met Kylie Minogue and turned her down. He owned the house he lived in but it turned out he was the lodger. So so weird.

Another bloke who wanted to break into a manky old abandoned outhouse on the edge of a children's play park and have sex with me in there. We had gone for what I thought was a nice walk and he actually climbed through the window to check it out to see if there was something like a manky old mattress to lay on. It was like something out of hell in there. Crumbling walls and abandoned TVs. I waited til he'd climbed inside and ran in the other direction. 😂

You have the most glorious frigging turn of phrase 😂
I'm laughing even though your encounters are mentally scarring me!

Spot the incel.

How can a girl resist That Charm 🤑

I am glad to be amusing people! I must ask though, I have been told that before but I can't see an amusing turn of phrase in that particular post?

I have many a tale about that bloke!

@AnnWalkersLeftSlipper
Yep, it's all your posts from further upthread too! You have a gift for helping the reader create a strong mental image 😂

Well things have taken a bit of a turn here. I blocked trouser cannon guy, he had then since tracked me down on SM. He said he was going to turn up at my house with flowers, that he is 'beside himself' that I blocked him, begging me to unblock him. He has sent me numerous messages saying 'you were on tinder so why didn't you want to date me?'

This is actually scary. He works for the fucking police too.. I've met him once. (The trouser cannon comment came after we met) there was no spark for me and told him that. Which led to the 'I want you to be my girlfriend so you can tend to my trouser cannon each day' I declined this and then he asked if he could just be FWB, I declined this and he called me a 'melt, because I didn't want to shag him. So I blocked him and now he's harassing me on other social platforms!

What on earth?? What does he think I owe him? A police officer who thinks it's okay to harass women who aren't interested in them, and call them derogatory names when they don't want to shag?

Jesus Christ.

Fucking hell. I would be straight down the station to report that.

Aren’t police the worst at In appropriate behaviour . I mean who is going to stop them.
Unless you do OP.

Id put a stop to this today .

Is it worth me reporting this?

If so I'll do that.. is it report worthy?

I told him this was inappropriate and he then downplayed it all by saying 'it was a joke, I was being jovial' - this ain't a joke is it..

The police (lol) call persistent communication when you have asked for none to be harassment /stalking .

You have met this man once !
Make it clear you do not want him coming bear your house or you .
No communication that you blocked him for a reason!

OP he is a bad one ! Mind games . You know what he’s all about . What harm will it do to report and ask the police to have a word to make sure he stays away.

If anything you have reported this early . If he steps out of line again it’s all being kept noted . He really wouldn’t be doing himself any favours. .

He is gaslighting you ! You are already questioning yourself !

There's been so many cases recently of police being done for rape & assault etc, that (depending on which force he's in) they do tend to take things more seriously now. Plus he's definitely sexually harassing you, as you've made it very clear you aren't interested.

I'd make sure I have copies of all the messages, both yours and his, then tell him that and state very clearly that if he does continue then you'll be reporting him - that's probably the only way he will stop. And if he carries on then yes you DO have grounds to report him. To be a crime rather than misconduct, it has to make you feel upset, scared, humiliated or unsafe - as he is a police officer, and there has been so much news about bad behaviour by police, then you can definitely class this as making you feel "unsafe" especially as you use the word "scary" above.

That's not funny is it. Looking like harassment to me.
You alright OP?

I've blocked him on Facebook now.

If he contacts me on any other media platform I will be reporting it to the police for harassment.

Honestly!! Fucking men!