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How to make your vulva clamp shut: a tinder story

695 replies

stayawayyyyyfromdatingapps · 03/02/2025 17:54

Hi ladies!

I'm after your funny / horror / tinder or date stories or something that made your vulva clamp shut from men. Fucking men. I want to stay away from men and dating apps and in seeking to be completely put off for life!

I'll go first.. I got an absolute shiner off of tinder say to me 'I really want you to be my girlfriend, so you can see to my trouser cannon every day.

Fucking TROUSER CANNON.

Another: got to an organised drinks first date, and the guy had those white stringy bits all around his crusty lips. I kept licking my lips in the hope he'd do the same and kept thinking fuck me if he kisses me im going to have to see the hygienist.

Another took screenshots off of my social media, and told me that im wearing 'too much makeup' and he likes his 'girls' (yes girls) to dress modestly and be more natural. The photo he picked was me at a concert, covered in glitter.
Note: this bloke has botox. But told me off for wearing glitter.

Lastly: met a bloke in the supermarket of all places. Asked me out for a drink and I agreed. Exchanged numbers. (I was 18 at this point). He said that he was Russell brands cousin and he had RB and katy Perry coming round that evening for drinks and would I like to join? I was SO EXCITED. Funnily enough, I'd just seen her on tour the week before and knew for a fine fact she wasn't in the country. But anyhoo I thought I'd play along. Anyway, he said he would pick me up at X time on the back of his motorbike. (I wouldn't have gone.) when he told me he was on his way, apparently in the 10 minute journey his Nan died, and he also got pulled over for speeding and immediately lost his license and asked if he could come to mine.

I am so happy to be out of relationships. Men can fuck off. Posting for traffic.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
TwistedWonder · 05/02/2025 12:41

Has anyone on OLD come across the guy who wants to clean women’s shoes?

Agentscullyandmulder · 05/02/2025 12:46

Jasmine82 · 04/02/2025 12:15

Not tinder but online dating site -
Was told by some charmer that he usually dates blondes with big boobs ( I’m brunette with small boobs) but MIGHT make an exception for me - no thanks negger
Another asked if I had a sense of humour or was I miserable like the rest of the bitches on the site.
Met one, got on great online- spent the date looking at his phone and asking my opinion on other potential dates from same site!
politely turned someone down ( before I learnt it’s best to ignore if not interested) got told they only sent me a message because they felt sorry for me 🤣
Got told I looked a bit like Davina McCall by one, said thanks he said, don’t like her, she’s a minger.
First message from one- I would be proud if you were my mum! thanks ( I think)
Got chatting to another, said I’d just started gym and loved the weight training, said eww I like feminine women not geezer birds.
Best one was from a very average man, saying if we were to go on a date, he would like me to wear thigh high boots and a mini skirt as he likes to “ show his women off” not to pick all the expensive things from the menu and then not give anything in return ( think we all know what that meant) and to walk in front of him so he could watch my bum wiggle.
I’m not on a dating site anymore!

The proud to be your mum wasn't on free dating was it? Pretty sure it's the same man, had him say it quite a few times to me on there

FasilBalti · 05/02/2025 12:50

Not OLD, but a colleague on a night out thought he was gods gift to women. He nudged me and pointed out a young girl in the bar. He announced he was ''going to get that'' and went to try and chat her up.😳

I had someone online become unpleasant as I'd politely declined his request to meet. He seemed to be online every time I was and kept trying. Eventually he berated me for not giving him a chance. I told him that becoming aggressive towards a woman who has already said no would not increase his chances of success. Prick😡

DucklingSwimmingInstructress · 05/02/2025 13:01

ThisFluentBiscuit · 04/02/2025 22:19

But imagine if our clitorises were located inside our vaginas? If that was the case, we might well be offering a kneetrembler round the back of Asda, lol!

Why do men act as if PIV is as good for us as it is for them when our knobs are located miles away from the inside of our vaginas???

They can't cope with the fact that their penises are not the only way to an orgasm. Their penises dominate their thoughts (most of them at least) and they simply cannot comprehend that other people don't find them as important.

Male researches used to say that a clitoral orgasm was lesser than a vaginal, and that only a vaginal orgasm was a proper mature one.

Sunflowergirl1 · 05/02/2025 13:05

mallorytowers8282 · 04/02/2025 12:00

Surprised to see so many people saying this.

As a pp said, the vulva absolutely could clamp shut. Like a clam. Protecting everything within, including the vagina.

I think I have previously been able successfully keep it clamped shut…..I then need to be seriously tempted to let it open and my DH to be at the time did a very good job of tempting me but took time 😂

AnnWalkersLeftSlipper · 05/02/2025 14:03

I remember a post where an OP had been on a date where the guy kept saying 'Serious alligator' after every sentence.

Am I allowed to give a lesbian's online dating perspective or is that a thread derail?

I did date guys in my late teens and early twenties so until I get an answer to that question I'll furnish you with experiences of those (not online, I'm too old)!

One guy, seemed great at first and I was with him a while.

Then the issues started. Of the things I remember most vividly;

I woke up one morning and he was naked in bed next to me, scratching his bits. Each time he did a horrid cheesy smell seeped up through to my nose.
He worked with my Mother (I'd helped him get the job as he'd lost his) and she rang me one day to say people in the office had been complaining about the smell of his feet. I was eating my dinner at the time and remember thinking 'You'd not ring anyone else's partner about this problem?'
She then rang me back later and said 'He doesn't wear underpants does he, perhaps It's not his feet, perhaps It's his trousers!'

He was a complete and utter knob-but that one sticks out so to speak.

Another one, regularly didn't flush the loo. I remember going for a bath once and being greeted with a huge floater in the lavvy. I decided to leave it there because he'd often come to talk to me while I were in the bath and he could deal with it himself. He indeed arrived in the bathroom, I saw him peek in the toilet, say nothing and flush it. I asked him why and he said there was a bit of paper in it.

Another one, lived together briefly and I dumped not long after after I realised he had a much more serious drink problem than I'd realised.I thought he just drank a bit too much sometimes, and we both liked to go out and get drunk so it didn't seem a huge issue-it was.
I told him it was over and I'd move out as soon as possible. He was naked, sitting on his leather computer chair. He told me that I'd never find anyone better as 'When it comes down to it there is no better'. As this sentence left his mouth he stood up to walk across the room and there was a white plastic bag stuck to his arse, or more accurately, stuck up his bum crack.

Another one, used to pick me up from work (I worked as a waitress while in college) no matter whether I wanted it or not. I was quite happy to get the bus and often wanted a few drinks with my colleagues first. Colleagues picked up on his controlling nature and said that he hd no right to insist he picked me up and we went straight home-I had weak boundaries back then and I listened to them and stopped doing what he wanted and leaving with him. Followign this, If he turned up and I was at the bar having a drink he'd illustrate his disapproval by squatting down on the floor with an indignant look on his face. One of my older male colleagues once looked at him and said 'Ere, toilet's over there, mate!'

Another one, turned up to my house drunk when I was ill and sore from a procedure. Proceeded to sit there staring at me, grinning and wanking all day.

I realised I was gay in my mid-twenties and writing these down has made me so grateful it is unbelievable! And reading the rest of them!

However as my first question exists, I am sure you can gather I have a few tales of my own.

AnnWalkersLeftSlipper · 05/02/2025 14:17

ThisFluentBiscuit · 04/02/2025 23:00

This is completely disgusting and not something I'd ever want to read. Some of us are eating while we read MN! Can you please put a trigger warning if you're going to write something so vile? Plus, I don't believe you. No way would police just let a guy keep spiking a woman's food like this, and as for your description of what he did, he'd end up really ill each time.

Edit: Argh, it posted the whole previous message! I can't do anything about that. Sorry, everyone!

Edited

This is hilarious. Both your post and the fact that you quoted the post you didn't want to read.

AnnWalkersLeftSlipper · 05/02/2025 14:18

AnnWalkersLeftSlipper · 05/02/2025 14:17

This is hilarious. Both your post and the fact that you quoted the post you didn't want to read.

Having worked for the police for some years until recently, I can assure you that they 'let' a lot of worse things than that, happen.

Proudofmynane · 05/02/2025 14:49

FFS I'm sitting myself in Greggs, cackling like a mad Woman 🤣🤣🤣

Jasmine82 · 05/02/2025 14:59

Agentscullyandmulder · 05/02/2025 12:46

The proud to be your mum wasn't on free dating was it? Pretty sure it's the same man, had him say it quite a few times to me on there

Yes it was! Not on there anymore. Did you get the guy who would accuse you of being married and cheating on your husband and being generally abusive? He kept getting banned and coming back under a different name.

madisoncat · 05/02/2025 15:07

*Sparkleybanama mentioned "The Special Ops" talking sht type.

Years ago single friend and I were out in a pub in my home town for a catch a couple of blokes started chatting. Interested in single friend, good I'm happily married.

Then we got the "Can't tell you or I'll have to kill you". My friend smiled so we carried on. We asked what sort of aircraft they had they flown in as that wouldn't give any secrets away :-)

After some of BS and no real answer we'd had enough then she said that's funny her DH flys C130 and often transports the secret squirrels. At the time he was really was doing some of that, happily retired now him and the aircraft :-)

Never seen two blokes leave a pub so quick. I love it when crappy blokes get their comeuppance. Just sad what some ladies have to put up with.

Poppymeldrum · 05/02/2025 15:21

I forgot the bloke who I matched with online

Chatting normally and I happened to mention that id saved up and finally bought some ugg boots (I'm going back about 15 years and they had taken a lot of saving up for as I was a skint single parent at the time)

God only knows why the word 'ugg' set him off,but I was treated to a string of messages telling me I wasn't to wear them ever 'or else'

I was to bin them-and a list of other clothes I wasn't 'allowed' to wear and another list of things he wanted me to do

It read something like 'you will come to see my football team play on a weekend'
'You will support my team'
'You will watch them on tv'
'You will buy me my season ticket'
'You will never fancy any of the players'
(I hate football)
'I will never be a new dad to your kids' (I never mentioned anything of the sort!)
'You will give me a shag 5 times a week and a blow job on the other two days'
'You will do whatever I want in bed even if you don't want to'

I blocked him,so he started on sm,was blocked on there,he hunted down my brother (whos a narcissistic twat and im nc with him-bro agreed i was unreasonable and started where this bloke ended) and ended reporting them to the police as I was genuinely scared for my safety

And I still have the ugg boots

Agentscullyandmulder · 05/02/2025 15:26

Jasmine82 · 05/02/2025 14:59

Yes it was! Not on there anymore. Did you get the guy who would accuse you of being married and cheating on your husband and being generally abusive? He kept getting banned and coming back under a different name.

Omg yes I did, we've had the same bunch of bloody nutters. Did he keep saying he was going to find your husband and tell him??

Jasmine82 · 05/02/2025 15:43

Agentscullyandmulder · 05/02/2025 15:26

Omg yes I did, we've had the same bunch of bloody nutters. Did he keep saying he was going to find your husband and tell him??

Yes 🤣 I said ok you tell my imaginary husband I’m on here, he will be heartbroken. Word of warning if Stephen from Melton Mowbray contacts you- block immediately! He’s absolutely vile.

AnnWalkersLeftSlipper · 05/02/2025 16:27

AnnWalkersLeftSlipper · 05/02/2025 14:03

I remember a post where an OP had been on a date where the guy kept saying 'Serious alligator' after every sentence.

Am I allowed to give a lesbian's online dating perspective or is that a thread derail?

I did date guys in my late teens and early twenties so until I get an answer to that question I'll furnish you with experiences of those (not online, I'm too old)!

One guy, seemed great at first and I was with him a while.

Then the issues started. Of the things I remember most vividly;

I woke up one morning and he was naked in bed next to me, scratching his bits. Each time he did a horrid cheesy smell seeped up through to my nose.
He worked with my Mother (I'd helped him get the job as he'd lost his) and she rang me one day to say people in the office had been complaining about the smell of his feet. I was eating my dinner at the time and remember thinking 'You'd not ring anyone else's partner about this problem?'
She then rang me back later and said 'He doesn't wear underpants does he, perhaps It's not his feet, perhaps It's his trousers!'

He was a complete and utter knob-but that one sticks out so to speak.

Another one, regularly didn't flush the loo. I remember going for a bath once and being greeted with a huge floater in the lavvy. I decided to leave it there because he'd often come to talk to me while I were in the bath and he could deal with it himself. He indeed arrived in the bathroom, I saw him peek in the toilet, say nothing and flush it. I asked him why and he said there was a bit of paper in it.

Another one, lived together briefly and I dumped not long after after I realised he had a much more serious drink problem than I'd realised.I thought he just drank a bit too much sometimes, and we both liked to go out and get drunk so it didn't seem a huge issue-it was.
I told him it was over and I'd move out as soon as possible. He was naked, sitting on his leather computer chair. He told me that I'd never find anyone better as 'When it comes down to it there is no better'. As this sentence left his mouth he stood up to walk across the room and there was a white plastic bag stuck to his arse, or more accurately, stuck up his bum crack.

Another one, used to pick me up from work (I worked as a waitress while in college) no matter whether I wanted it or not. I was quite happy to get the bus and often wanted a few drinks with my colleagues first. Colleagues picked up on his controlling nature and said that he hd no right to insist he picked me up and we went straight home-I had weak boundaries back then and I listened to them and stopped doing what he wanted and leaving with him. Followign this, If he turned up and I was at the bar having a drink he'd illustrate his disapproval by squatting down on the floor with an indignant look on his face. One of my older male colleagues once looked at him and said 'Ere, toilet's over there, mate!'

Another one, turned up to my house drunk when I was ill and sore from a procedure. Proceeded to sit there staring at me, grinning and wanking all day.

I realised I was gay in my mid-twenties and writing these down has made me so grateful it is unbelievable! And reading the rest of them!

However as my first question exists, I am sure you can gather I have a few tales of my own.

Remembered another one. I went for a meal with friends and came home to the bloke I was seeing. We stuck a film on and I fell asleep on the sofa.

I woke up and the stick blender (immersion blender thing) was next to me, plugged in.
He'd attempted to use it on me as a vibrator, after using my actual vibrator on me while I slept, and the battery dying.

Undrugged · 05/02/2025 16:38

@AnnWalkersLeftSlipper yes please do post any and all stories. There are dickheads and weirdos among all sexualities. Am so enjoying this thread while at home not particularly well - keep em coming!

Utterknowitall · 05/02/2025 18:10

@Agentscullyandmulder @Jasmine82 I've had the proud if you were my mum guy too

Gloriainextremis · 05/02/2025 18:17

TwistedWonder · 05/02/2025 12:41

Has anyone on OLD come across the guy who wants to clean women’s shoes?

My DH cleans my walking boots for me, but it's unlikely to be him. I don't think he's ever tried OLD - he has trouble booking cinema tickets online, let alone anything else!😂

MadamePeriwinkle · 05/02/2025 19:04

There was the one that wanted to 'steer his tugboat into my harbour'...

And the one who asked if I would mind the fact he was a naturist. My answer was 'not necessarily' but it was clear he was just a 50-something exhibitionist when he offered to put a strip show on for me via video call...

The one asked if he could see my tits, and when I replied 'I'm not sending you a photo of my tits' he replied 'I meant for real 😜'

And the endless fascination some men seem to have with bum sex...🤮

NormasArse · 05/02/2025 19:20

RaveToTheGrave1 · 03/02/2025 20:51

Medical problems, wee man just needed a chapstick

Or a big drink of water. He sounds dehydrated.

Zone2NorthLondon · 05/02/2025 19:24

This really is a boak and what the fuck thread - all very well told I must say

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 05/02/2025 20:02

Scirocco · 05/02/2025 12:03

I once had a guy try to serenade me irl with Enrique Iglesias songs.

I'm getting Luke MAFS vibes....

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 05/02/2025 20:06

ruethewhirl · 05/02/2025 12:40

Aww, sounds like a case of right place wrong time, how frustrating! 😄Sounds like you backed the right horse with your DP though.

Mate I couldn't believe I was saying thank you I'm flattered but no can do.... That's why I had to leave because if I'd stayed and continued to drink with them, I was going home with them and I thought DP didn't deserve that and that I should do the right thing (sort of for once 🤭).
But yeah, 15 years. We still can't believe it lol

Pippyls67 · 05/02/2025 20:21

Bobbingaroundthesea · 03/02/2025 20:07

Can someone please explain the ‘chad’ thing? I’ve seen it on here a few times, used in the same kinda way ‘Karen’ is used to stereotype a certain type of woman, but I’ve never met a Chad in real life and I’ve no idea what ‘type’ of bloke it is implied would be called Chad 🫣

I think it’s an older very uncool guy trying very hard to look young and cool by dressing and behaving in a way that was flashy and considered ‘cool’ perhaps in the 80s or 90s

Saggyknickers · 05/02/2025 20:38

Doodleflips · 04/02/2025 20:42

Has another man arrived…..

Probably shuggles bestie!

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