How to make your vulva clamp shut: a tinder story

[stayawayyyyyfromdatingapps]

Hi ladies!

I'm after your funny / horror / tinder or date stories or something that made your vulva clamp shut from men. Fucking men. I want to stay away from men and dating apps and in seeking to be completely put off for life!

I'll go first.. I got an absolute shiner off of tinder say to me 'I really want you to be my girlfriend, so you can see to my trouser cannon every day.

Fucking TROUSER CANNON.

Another: got to an organised drinks first date, and the guy had those white stringy bits all around his crusty lips. I kept licking my lips in the hope he'd do the same and kept thinking fuck me if he kisses me im going to have to see the hygienist.

Another took screenshots off of my social media, and told me that im wearing 'too much makeup' and he likes his 'girls' (yes girls) to dress modestly and be more natural. The photo he picked was me at a concert, covered in glitter.
Note: this bloke has botox. But told me off for wearing glitter.

Lastly: met a bloke in the supermarket of all places. Asked me out for a drink and I agreed. Exchanged numbers. (I was 18 at this point). He said that he was Russell brands cousin and he had RB and katy Perry coming round that evening for drinks and would I like to join? I was SO EXCITED. Funnily enough, I'd just seen her on tour the week before and knew for a fine fact she wasn't in the country. But anyhoo I thought I'd play along. Anyway, he said he would pick me up at X time on the back of his motorbike. (I wouldn't have gone.) when he told me he was on his way, apparently in the 10 minute journey his Nan died, and he also got pulled over for speeding and immediately lost his license and asked if he could come to mine.

I am so happy to be out of relationships. Men can fuck off. Posting for traffic.

I was working in a shop, male customer came in and asked me out. We met and he said ‘I’ve forgotten my wallet, but I just live around the corner’. We got to his apartment and he went in bedroom to get it. 20 seconds later he appeared completely naked. I rushed out of the apartment. Next day he appeared at my work, apologised and asked if we could go out again. Unfortunately I didn’t know how to say FO in Arabic.

🤣

This is so funny, thank you ))) Almost a comedy sketch!

I met my other half off a dating site so there is hope and we are married now been together nearly 4 years .

however along the way encountered the usual frogs

1. also the backward hat wearing 40 plus year old who I gave a chance and every date some kind of “disaster” would happen that would make him late. This went on for about 7 weeks of 1 date a week til I got sick of it and ended at which point he couldn’t accept it and started bombarding with messages. Blocked 🚫
2. one Italian who seemed really nice , lots of good conversation prior however when we finally met “half way” for the date ( 5 mins from him 40 mins on train for me ) clear he was disappointed (fine it happens) but spent the whole date looking around at other people who he thought was on dates and said I could never date someone like that girl (pointed to someone across the pub) Apparently eating food with knife and fork in wrong hand was a big reg flag? ( I do that sometimes fyi ) got on the train and never looked back
3. one police officer who was obsessed in the run up to meeting that I was a “catfish” and repeated it constantly tried to “test me” by ringing at random times (twice) then when I couldn’t answer ( was away with family and sent a pic to show said I’d ring later) said he was blocking me . I said unlucky mate beat you. Bye.

Just thinking about my OLD days. I actually had very few dates because most of them were binned at the chatting stage usually fur being monosyllabic and unable hold a conversation.

There was one guy who literally answered every question/message with ‘you’re gorgeous’ etc. For example I’d ask him what his plans for the weekend were and he’s reply ‘wow you’re so sexy’ - errr that’s not answering my question mate!

Another who turned my every attempt at a conversation around to ask ‘do you fancy tall bald men?’

And finally the one who was so scared of being catfished he asked me to send him some ID! I thought he was joking and said ‘you want to see my passport before you’ll go on a date’ and he replied in all seriousness ‘yes please or your driving licence’

I had arranged to meet a guy in a cafe in the city centre. The day before he messaged asking to change to him picking me up from my house in his car and driving us for a day out.

I explained that although that sounded lovely I would rather meet him somewhere neutral for the first time.

He kicked off saying that I obviously didn't trust him and what was my problem.

Red flag alert!

I had a guy who said for a first date he’d come over to mine fir a cuppa

I said I’d rather meet for first time somewhere public like a pub beer garden and he kicked off saying I was accusing him of being a rapist

What did the one who sang to you sing?

That thing that is said about men having sex on their minds most of the time.
I was in London, in Harley street, for an appointment, this was before mobile phones and I wasn’t sure what the time was. There was a film set with some filming going on so I asked one of the tech/roadies if he had the time please.
He replied, ‘I’m sorry, but I can’t leave the set!’. I then realised, after pondering on his response, that he thought I was asking for a quick F.ck!

changed UN. he was a "doctor" and sadly his card had been corrupted because he took it into the xray room that day and forgot to leave his wallet outside. No cash either so coffees were on me. I was amazed he didn't have a colleague he could ask to lend him cash - surely far less embarrassing than turning up on a date with a stranger with no means to pay for anything. I mean obviously it was bollocks. But anyway. He was of course 10 years older than his pictures and half a foot shorter than stated. He wore the strangest grey plastic shoes with laces (this was actually the most off putting thing, they were hideous). Then he went on to spend the entire time talking about how his ex owed him money and I gave him professional advice for free about what he could do about it given my professional experience. It was like talking to a client so perfectly fine and I treated it as such at that point, no spark, no romance obviously- just a very matter of fact chat about his ex and how she screwed him over and used him for money, was a gold digger etc. He didn't understand why I didn't want to meet up again and kept asking for months, months later every now and then. I didn't block him, just said thanks but no thanks. He wasn't rude or aggressive, no weird sexual advances. Just a sad short middle aged man who who was still obsessing about his ex (who unashamedly made me pay for coffee and then got hundreds of pounds worth of advice for free).

I'm sorry you had bad experiences when you were younger. I'm a bit older than you (47) but I remember my friends at 15 going out with men! Like wtf does a roper adult man want with a minor??
Well, we know now that manipulation and abuse is rife but back in the 90s, no one really questioned it really. Terrible.

I was diagnosed with ADHD last year after recognising that my son has it and seeing myself as a child in him. I also understand that I have autism traits (which I'm actually over the moon about). It's not been easy for my DP of 15 years so I get where you're coming from. Do you have a support network for you? xx

If ever there needed to be a shocked reaction option, it's now (I'll just use an emoji) 😲

Met a bloke for drinks after chattering online for a while. Took me to a lovely bar and ordered wine and tapas, but when it arrived he went to pour and said, "shall I be mother?" 🤢

Don't help that he was six inches shorter than he'd said in his profile and had failed to disclose that he had started smoking again.

Decades ago I replied to a lonely hearts ad in a farming magazine. Guy seemed lovely. He said he wanted someone with certain values and interests like country loving, enjoys certain aspects of farming, liked her keep, training sheep dogs, could ride, loved everything about producing and cooking good food, enjoyed hosting and socialising etc etc. Much of it was rather farming specific though. It seemed a long list but surprisingly I fitted the bill. We seemed perfectly matched! What were the chances! I was very very intrigued. So I wrote back.
I began the letter with the great ‘coincidence’ of our similarities. “ I think I’m everything you want” etc etc. All very lovely and innocent and optimistic. I was so excited.
Well!!!
I got a letter back the next post. It began- in capitals ‘you absolute cow, how the hell can you dare say to a man you are every thing he wants. You’re just like all the other women in the world / you think you’re Gods gift to mankind and you’re made of toffee! I can’t bear women like you. You make me sick etc etc etc. It was a 2 page rant in which he told me he’d only read the first line of my letter and was now so angry he practically wanted to hunt me down and burn me at the stake. It was scary !!! Suffice it to say I did not reply. Clearly an absolute bloody psycho. Thank God it was all done through old fashioned PO Boxes so I could hide!

I went on a date with a guy I’d chatted to online. He claimed to be 54 and 5’11

We met in a town midday between us. As he walked towards me first thing I noticed was how short he was - I’d say 5’8. He was attractive though so I let that go and we went to a nice cafe bar.

As he took his jacket off I saw his arms were both covered in the worst tattoos I’ve ever seen. Honestly they looked like a child had scribbled in him in his sleep. And there was almost no skin left on either arm that was visible. I can’t say what the tattoos were as it will be outing but they were just shockingly bad.

We started chatting and I will be honest see seemed really nice and I was prepared to give him a chance. We started talking about holidays and he said he was going away later that year for his 60th - I said ‘but your profile says you’re 54’ which he denied so I got my phone out and showed him his tinder profile. He claimed it must have been a typo (as well as his height I presume) - however his user name was something like Dave1970!

So I’m starting to think let’s just enjoy the date and then he starts telling me about his ED but how it doesn’t matter because he’s great with just tongue! This was within first half hour of meeting.

And finally he said although this is a lovely bar could we find another pub as the West Ham v Chelsea game kicks off at 4 and we can watch it together.

I told him you go watch football and I’ll go home and we can chat later.

So he reluctantly agreed and walked me to the car park - where he proceeded to push me up against the wall and ram his tongue down my throat and attempt to grope my breasts - in broad daylight in full view of other people out shopping.

Finally later that evening he messaged me saying he was on the train home, what a fantastic date we’d had and he couldn’t wait to get home and have a wasn’t thinking about my amazing breasts!

They was the point I came off OLD and decided to stay single forever 🤣

OMG how frightening! Clearly an incel even though the concept probably wasn't around at the time.

Met my now husband OLD and very happily married, so it can also work out sometimes!

Pre meeting my now husband, the two stories that come to my mind are.

Went to meet a guy for a coffee, started off ok and we got on well. He then proceeded to slate his mum and tell me how awful she was, (she may have been but not really first date appropriate). There was other things in the date that made me doubt our compatibility but I was young and didn’t know how to let him down or I didn’t want to hurt his feelings.
He continued to text after the date asking me have I eaten, as I need to make sure I look after myself, (don’t know how I survived the 20 odd years before meeting him) I didn’t text back for a few hours and he sent a lot of messages, asking where I was, what I was doing to not be replying. I explained I had been busy and he said sorry he was just so worried about me. At that point I told him it wasn’t going to work out.
He then said he was devastated as it was the best date ever and had told all of his friends and colleagues about me, saying I was very special to him and he saw it going places, after one date…. I blocked him after that.

Second one, not online but in work. A doctor nice enough but he would constantly tease me and others in work, he left for a new job. He messaged me a few months later saying he teased me because he “liked me”. He asked for a date that weekend and I said I was really poorly with the flu so couldn’t. He then said that I must book a GP appointment and that he would come with me as a doctor to insure I was listened to. I obviously declined. He then said he would sort out a “care package” to make me feel better at his house which involved us getting naked wrapped in blankets “snuggling” and drinking wine. I ignored and got so many messages so I blocked him.

I've just remembered something that wasn't specifically about men but definitely had me clamping shut so to speak. I'm bi and at one time before I met DH I answered an ad from a woman. She waited until our date to reveal that she was married and that she and her DH were actually looking for a 'third'. Apparently if I was interested she could bring him to the second date or I could pop back to theirs now and meet him(!) Erm, no and no. There's no judging going on here btw, well not of their sexual choices anyway. Plenty of judgement for the dishonesty though.

I remember one date; he was a wrestler in his spare time and he said I could be his 'manager bitch' and that I could staple his head.
I did see him again.
We got busy and he loved going down. Really wasn't interested in getting a blowjob. It was heaven lol but after we did the do, I didn't want to get involved with him romantically or even as a FB so I told him I wasn't interested in us going forward and that was that.

Trying to remember if this was pre my narc ex or after to gage age.... If it was pre I would have been 20-22 years old. After would have been 26-28.
Fuck knows I can't remember but yeah, Ioan his name was.

Some urdu songs...can't remember exactly

You just nudged my memory.

Not a date but.....
I was in Nice with my dad visiting his mum for her 90th birthday back in August 2010 and I'd decided to go for a walk one afternoon to find somewhere to drink and watch a football match.
I was in my early 30s and in my opinion, I looked hot. I was hot. Still am lol 🤣 😆
On the way to find this place, the heavens opened and I have never seen rainfall like it still to this day. It was a gorgeous 26-28 degrees but the rains came hard!

By the time I get to the pub, I'm soaked. I could wring my hair, my clothes were stuck to my body and I looked pretty sexy lol 😅

Anyhoo, I'm sat watching the football, glancing through a newspaper while having a drink when a man and a woman approach me and ask if they can sit with me. I say sure because I'm happy to meet new people.
We had a drink together and we're making general chit chat when they start telling me that I'm a very sexy lady.
They loved my red lips. They were sensuous.... I'm thinking, oooookaaaaaaay.... Are they coming on to me??? Omg I can't believe this is happening to me.
And then they said it. They said they both find me attractive and would I like to have some fun with them that afternoon. The excitement I had going through my body was electric and if I'd been single, I probably would have agreed 🤷🏼‍♀️

I'd only been with my DP 8 months at this point and I was really enjoying the relationship, seeing where it was going to go and I thought that he didn't deserve to be cheated on so I made my excuses and left feeling absolutely gutted as I could have just turned down the best sexual experience of my life to date! I'd had a threesome before which I loved and the idea of doing it with the man and woman was such a turn on as they were a good looking couple but I was keen to not mess things up with DP.

DP and I are still together with 2 DC.

I once had a guy try to serenade me irl with Enrique Iglesias songs.

This time last year, a year after my husband left me for his fancy woman, I joined Bumble. There was a young man (profile said 45, but he was 25 and liked women in their 40s). He started sending me messages, asking for photos... of deep inside me. He kept on and on. Eventually I asked him if he could handle something hard. He was desperate. I was not.
I sent him a photo of the xray of my titanium hip replacement. Both very hard AND deep inside me. Fair play to him, he was very impressed and then backed the fuck off 🤣

Aww, sounds like a case of right place wrong time, how frustrating! 😄Sounds like you backed the right horse with your DP though.

You just won the internet for today. Love it! 😂